laughs so much she "accidentally" knocks Liddy's cuppa whisky tea out of her hand

'Ere...me tea's all in me lap...eiver that or me "plumbin'" ain't what it was...best see me doc a bit quick..

Sorry to say Ladies, but either you are all drunk, or we are being HAUNTED
Here you are Addy, Liddy and I will help you get rid of the stones.
That's better, all gorn to the beach now
Very odd..................the stones and the tea
Here's a quick scotch to pick you up.
May.

Us drunk, May? Never!!!! Anyway I don't believe in haunts. Just pigments of the imagination, that 's what they are. No, that dreadful woman from the end cottage had to be the hole filler. She is the only one daft enough to be working at building a rockery in this weather so it has to be her. Just to voice my disapproval I dumped two large sacks of manure on the drive this afternoon, right by her front door. That'll teach her to block up my new pond.
Anyway it is all ready for some of Maud's carps now so tonight is the night for a spot of nifty work with the landing net. I made one earlier today from a pair of old knitted tights and a coat hanger. I'll take a big bucket too to put them in when I have netted a few choice specimens. I like carps. They look good when they rise to the surface and blow bubbles. They remind me of-------of-----No, no good! I can't remember!
Now stop tipping tea all over the plaice Lidd and get your coat on. You too May! We have work to do.

Add, ADD, you're standing on my foot you great wassock
Hisses Liddy, get the bucket quick........Add has caught something.........CRASH BANG WALLOP...........oh no Add, Liddy's kicked the bucket. Quick........RUN

Come back May! I have only got one carp and he's not very big. I need a few more to make a decent shoal of them in my new pond. Let's try for one of the big orange ones. Where did Lidd go? She could help at a time of need like this. I wonder if she fell in. Let's try the pond next door in case that dreadful Maud is up and about. remember the trouble that we had with her last time when we tried to rescue that Harry Parry, or was it to steal her clothes? I forget. Don't sing! We are supposed to be undercover agents on a mission. A fishin' mission.

'Ere Add...can I 'ave some chips wiv Maudes crappy fish an' a dollop of ketchup? Mmm yummy...ta darlin'.

Lidd old thing, please stop trying to gum your way through that fish and put him back in the bucket. These are to make my mud flats garden look beautiful when I put them into my new pond, not for your supper. (Great twit!) Now let's get going and take these to their new home before they die of something nasty that they have picked up from you!


Later that evening, well actually in the dawn's early light.


There! All happy in their new home. Don't they look good in the sunshine! Let's have a panad and some eggy bread after our night's work. I'll raid the hen house. You lot bung the kettle on and make some toast. there is a new loaf there fresh from Asda's skip.

That was close Add. I thought Lidd was going to get caught by the old bag,hag girl next door.
Lidd, the egg is running down your chin dear gal.
May

Those carps have settled in well now. I have named some of them; Rover, Fido, Spot, Towser, Goofy and Pluto. Good names eh? I don't know what to call the last one. I thought of Paddington but that's a bear's name so it won't do at all.

Panad and a sing-song anyone?

Panad would go down a treat Add.
Sings loudly. And on Saturday I'm willin' if you'll only take the shillin', to make a man of anyone of you........
Hic

Add, any particular reason why you have named the carp with doggie names. Just wondering
Oooooh, look, isn't that Jeannie in the distance?? Have you got your specs Add?? It is isn't it. She looks very trim and rather fashionable
May.

Hola ladies and Liddy. (Why have you got a fish in your mouth? )

Gosh, don't look so surprised to see me, I was always going to return at some point! Anyone would think I'd been carted off in the back of a white van to see you look at me like that! Oh wait, that is what happened, isn't it? Well, enough of that. I am a reformed character now, thanks to those patronis... lovely women, Trinny and Susannah. That's to say nothing of my elocution lessons. By the way, they've offered elocution lessons to the three of you as well, should you wish to subject yourselves to torture learn to speak proper like.

So, what have I missed?

They have guard dog names May, GUARD DOG NAMES!!! I am going to train them to attack the postman if he tries to deliver any more bills. They'll be like fighting pyrrar pyrex pooraner people-eating killer fish by the time I've finished. Anyway I don't know many fish names apart from Wanda and Jaws and Moby. But he was not a fish but a richard. No use at all!

Just why might I need elocution lessons then Greenie? My speech is beautiful. Not so much as a trace of accent anywhere. Not that Liddy could do with help though. All of those Gawds and Dahn Sarfs of hers. She really does need sorting out.

Panad with a chaser anyone?

Don't mind if I do Addy. I've just got back from a concert dear, went to see Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. Very nice they were too Add. Sang in harmonies they did old girl. Nothing like he was in the old days when I was middle aged a nipper, with his heavy rocking.
Another snifter Add??
Have you seen the state of our Jeannie?? She was only wearing leggings and a black bin bag
MAy.

And what is wrong with a bin bag May I may ask, May, may I? I think that it is a wonderful example of making do and mending. I went to a party once dressed in a bin bag with a loo chain as a belt and very fetching I looked too.
We had several chasers too many last evening May. Time for something a little more healthy I think. Would you care for a pint of white wine with a lettuce leaf in it?
I have a gig at the village hall this afternoon. I don't want to turn up drunk. Disorderly yes, drunk no!

Wine and lettuce sounds wonderful dahling. No slug in mine thanks , I'm going veggie today.
I've never seen you drink dear, well only on moderation.............nothing wrong with having just one is there........one glass, one bottle, one case
Do you want me to page turn at the hall this after noon??
May.

Hic oops!
Well perhaps just one more glass then. This vin blanc is lovely with the leaves in. (Bother! May noticed that slug!)

You could turn pages if i had any but I am singing from memory. You can sit at the side of the stage and be my prompt though and whisper the words to me if I forget any. Hic... hic.. Oops again. This is good stuff. I'll just have a little refill to lubricate my old vocal bits.


Fluffy floppy puppy, Fluffy floppy puppy, Fluffy floppy puppy, Fluffy floppy puffy, fluppy floffy puffy, ploppy pluffy pluppy, plooooffly ploppy fpluu. Oops. I used to be able to sing that ever so well!

Add. ADD
Oh Gordon Bennet, she's passed out. Quick, send for the fire brigade

Flippin' 'eck yous lot, and May. What ya's bin up to then? Get up do Add, before I steps on ya fingers.

*Fish...fingers...get it?? *

I ain't bin no where dears. Me fella what teaches me ta bash abaht on the pianer told me orf fer not practisin' me scales.

*Fish..scales...get it? *

Never mind..I'm orf ta the 'ospidal soon fer me fella to look dahn me ear'ole. I SAID...

Forget it...I 'll get meself a cuppa...

LIdd, your jokes will be hte death of me.............no seriously
Hope your ear hole as you call it, is OK Lidd. Let us all know OK??
Add, ADDY stop snoring and practise this song
May.

'Ere Add...speakin' as one of ya bestest mates (probably you's only bestest mate!) in the weld, I suggest you's go orf an' 'ave a baff 'cos you stink gel.

Kettle's on

Thank you too, you old skunk! It is all May's fault. She got me drunk and I gave a very spirited recital yesterday. She was prompting too, and the line about her Aunty Mary and a canary fitted in very well to The Lost Chord. They loved it so much that we have been invited back to do a repeat performance next week. (That, and because their speaker from the fortune teller's guild cancelled. Unforseen circumstances!!!)
Panad?

Who you callin' an' old skunk ya great turnip? May says you was on the floor snorin' ya 'ead orf 'alf the time. No change there then ay?

Unforeseen circumstances!!! Hehehe! You's can be very funny fer one that stinks the 'ouse aht. Get yaself in the baff an' I'll make the panad if it's all the same to you. Don't want no 'orse manure 'air in me tea. Mind ya, might make the tea taste better!

Hey Lidd! Don't knock that tea. It was fresh from the skip only last month. Best Yorkshire brew. Yes, you're right. It is a bit orf. Stick some coffee powder into the teapot. That usually helps it.

I did rather need that bath. Shame that I forgot to take my new hat off though. It's a tin helmet that I found in the church bring and buy last Saturday. I added the rose to give it a touch of class. Good innit!

Add...ya look a right sight gel. You's got a daft old tin 'at on ya head, wiv a wiltin' rose, a smile on ya face and nuffing else!!! Did yous forget ta get dressed swee'eart? Go on quick before ya put me orf me dinner...

We did go down rather a treat Addy. I am looking forward to next week.
Can I sing after you dear?? I thought a little rendition of "I'll make a man of any one of you" would go rather swimmingly
Don't pull the plug out Adeline, Lydia needs a bath too, you must conserve the water. And save on the water meter bill.
It's half day closing at Waitrose, shall we go and do the skips there this afternoon?
May. Goes off singing "Oh oh oh what a lovely war".

"Up to your knees in water, up to your eyes in grub"


Good idea of yours May. There is some really good stuff in here today. I don't usually do the Waitrose ones but I've been missing out. Look, here's some ready made custard. Let's see what we can find to go with it. Lidd is coming round later for supper and she is very fond of her nosh. How about these stir fry packs with something? And look here! Flowers for the table too.


"What do we want with eggs and ham when we have plum and apple jam"

Hey look Add. A bottle of bubbly. They've got rid of it because the label is tatty. Woo hoo old girl.
Shall we have this Steak and ale pie to go with the custard Add?? Lidd likes pie and custard
Form fours, right turn, how shall we spend the money we earn?
Great Aunty Maybeline.

Why should a soldier grumble, why should he make a fuss?

That does look good May. We'll have it if the steak pie is a veggie one. If not you have the steak bits out of it and I'll have the ale bits.

I have found some grapes and chocolate gateau too, and a cheesecake. That should make a great supper for us all. I expect that Lidd has laid the table already so let's get back fast. Trot on Eddie old mate.

Who is it says the sargeant has better grub than us?

Where's me dinner then? Will soon be time fer me bed!

Oh I say old beam, that was a slap up meal for for a king/queen.
Lidd looks quite cute when she's asleep Add I take that back.............snores like an earth tremor
Night Add and Lidd.
May.
WHen Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser.........

A real feast that was May. Well done us! Lidd might look cuter if her wig hadn't slipped over her eye. It makes her look like dead-eyed Richard. And the row when she snores!!!

Why are we singing war songs May? Is it in preparation for that concert of Petrat's over in Moelfre? Lidd and Lavvy are going to that you know.

Run, rabbit, run rabbit, run! run! run!

I don't know why we are singing war songs Addy, but they are rather jolly
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile smile smile
When exactly do you think that Liddy will wake up Addy?? It's been hours!
May.

When the lights go on again all over the world


I don't know May. At least she has stopped snoring and passing wind. Let's throw the vase of water left over from those flowers at her. That should do the trick.

Addy flings the contents of the vase over Liddy's head. Liddy stirs a little, then a little more and then yells loudly.!



Sorted, May!!!!

Oi you lot!! I do not snore, fank you I do f*rt though! Hehehe!!

Got me 'air all wet. What ya doin' frowin' water over me then? What's fer breakfast?

Breakfast Lydia It's lunchtime, and you can get your own. I'm a laydeeeeeeee, and your manners leave much to be desired What with your snoring, trumping and general misbehaving
It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go
And when Liddy becomes a lady, at the equator there'll be snow

Keep the home fires burning



Got any matches Lidd? We are going to start the barby to cook some lunch.

You do look a bit of a sight old thing. Do you want to dry your wig over the flames once it is going? May and I hit the Waitrose skip last night so we have plenty of supplies to burn to cinders roast. I wonder if roast lettuce is nice, or roast custard.

You is right wicked to me you lot are....

I'll get me Stoopid Bert back from Lilac Lil or mebbe I'll run orf wiv Off His Head Tim when 'e goes ta Noo Zeeland, or Dilly Dally when he/she goes orf on that big boat fingy.

You's be sorry if I weren't 'ere ta take the pi mickey aht of all day long.

I'll get me own dinner if it's all the same to you's lot.

[Aaww... gives Liddy a hug... ]









[eugh, wonder what that was on her pinny ]


Lavvy x

I say Addy, did you see that odd shadow over by Liddy. Very odd look on Liddy's face.........or did she just have the wind again
Liddy dear, Mad Tom may be barking, but he's not that mad to want you dear, unless you have another bath......then maybe
You have a very original way with cooking Addy. Dollops of custard rolled in lettuce and BBQ'd are quite yummy. We could roll dates in pointed cabbage leaves and cover them in BBQ sauce.Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Fancy some of this alcohol free punch??
May.

[... tips a few bottles of Mackeson brown ale into the alcohol-free punch ....]

I say old beam, I'm begining to feel a bit squiffy

Aunty Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers
She.................................Hic.

Come on Addy, Liddy lesh have a shing shong.

*burp*

[... starts playing Knees up Muvver Brown on Addy's harpsichord... ]

Addy, Liddy Look..............it's Larry. He's come to the party.
Been swimming lately Clarry??
There's a draught in here.

[.... pours another draught of Taddy Nut Brown into the punchbowl.... ]

Here Larry, did you here that spooky music??
Have another punch Clarri, and take no notice

punch is lovely *burp*

Addy dearest, I think that Liddy and Clarri should really get married. She trumps and he burps. A union made in heaven
Hic
May.