I didn't make you buy nuffink! You wanted that crummy fing. Cor- I just sat on it again. Talk about make me eyes water. This Lino is chock full of things you blow on, pluck or hit wiv a stick. Didn't let me bring me piana though did ya?
I remember Moses Lawn. 'E got 'is beard caught in the rotary blades didn' 'e? Poor bloke nearly mowed 'is face. All 'e could say was "That was a close shave".
Wot we singin' in Chester then? Embalming fluid indeed. I use the finest pickling vinegar to preserve me cords. Sounds like you use battery acid.
Nuffin' wrong wiv a bit a gin on me oats. Old May is still sowin' 'ers. Talk about legga mutton.
I fink Lavvs disappeared again. I heard some right old noises last night, but that was all those puds in me belly. Big diet for me when I get 'ome. I 'ave enjoyed meself in your Lino darlin'. Ta everso for takin' me to all these places.
Cor- I fink I saw one snow flake then. Bet we get a white Christmas this year. What d'you reckon, lovey. Gonna 'elp me build summink wiv this snow flake then? 'Ow about a snow ant? Just about got enough to do a leg or two.

Battery acid? I am very hurt Liddy. We both know that my voice is in wonderful shape and size for its age, as am I. I don't look a day over seventy-four! As to Chester, How about you playing the piano and me singing something from my astonishing repertoire of the past eighty few years? I do a lovely Queen of the Night and you should hear my Exultate Jubilate on a good day. Knocks 'em out at the Purple Camel that does.
We could have played a duet on my crumhorn and that double bass thing of Great May's if you hadn't chopped it to bits for your fire. I still fancy the quartet from Verdi's Regulator though if we do a spot of doubling. I must get my best hat mended too. One of the toads has come a bit adrift and there's a thistle hanging off at the side.
Do you think that I should wear my shell suit in case it snows there? I've got my nice new Prada bag and my welly-boots from our trip to the lakes. Do you think that we will be on the telly Liddy. We'd better get some practice done. You find us a hotel with one of those bobtail bar pianos and we'll have a go tomorrow. They might even book us for the festivities.
"Addy and Liddy Live"! That'll draw the crowds in!
: Good, these yellow things, eh Lidd?

Ah- don't take on so darlin'. You know your old pals only jestin' wiv ya. No idea wot all these toons are ya keep sayin' about. Roll Out the Barrer is about me limit. Can't sing nuffin' in no la-di-da foreign lingo. Me English ain't that good. I still gotta explain to May about 'er double bass, ay. I'll say you run over it wiv the Lino. Didn' 'ave ya specs on at the time did you dear?
Well, it took us all of two seconds to make that snow ant. Now it's gorn and melted. When did we last 'ave a good fall of snow? 1989 it was round 'ere in Kent. I got stuck in me 'ouse wiv the old man and Philma. We made a nice snow man and lady. Philma got right upset cos the lady 'ad all the best clothes. Oh my poor boy. I do fret about 'im summink chronic.
No you ain't wearin' no shell suit to Chester. It's gonna be a posh do. I got me outfit from the Oxfam. I woz 'oping wiv your stash of cash you might splash out a bit so's I could 'ave me 'air done proper. Still, me 'at will cover it up. I'm 'avin' one designed in the shape of a grand piana. Can you imagine it on me 'ead darlin'? It's gonna be a real one you can play. Smashin'!
I saw a bloke from Yorkshire yesterday. 'E reckons 'e knew you from way back. "Ee, aye, Addy, oh" he says "We all fell down wiv 'er". Wot's 'e on about?
You got a likin' for them smiley fings ain't ya sweet? As bright as them bells on that scarf. I can't do no more darlin'. I'm fresh outa wool. Still, I did a good bit for Yantoo so I 'ope 'e's pleased wiv it.
Well, I got us into the 'otel wiv a big piana and everyfing we need to practice. D'you reckon this Chester fing will be on telly? Must make sure they see my best side then. No, dear I said "Best side" not "back side". Give me that wax in yer ears then I can finish me candles before we 'ead 'ome agen.
Just off to practice me arpeggios- whatever they are.

OK, you tell Great May that I ran over her double bass and I'll tell her that your Philma stole her red tart shoes and won't give them back. Then give her a couple of signed photos of us. That'll keep her happy. Well, as happy as she can be rolling around in that old stately mansion place of hers. No wonder she keeps it so full of those men friends of hers. It would be very lonely on her own there. Perhaps she should invite one of our mail voice choirs over to sing to her! She'd be in her elephant element.
We'll both get our hairs done before that Chester thingy. There are some very posh places there so they should be able to do something good for two celebs like our good selves. I suppose we could get new frocks too. We'll have to co-ordinize our colours!
I don't know who that Yorkie fellow might be. I used to know a few from down that way. Was he tall and handsome Lidd? He wasn't old Ma Janus's little lad Hugh was he? I used to like him.
This piano hotel place is good. We can fill this ballroom with our trillings and warblings for hours! I'll find us something classy to sing at Chester. Ay there's a good pile of music in this piano stool. Let's have a sing through some of it.
Look, I've found "Nobody loves a fairy when she's forty" I remember your Philma singing that. And how about this one? "The Best of Scruffy Jenkins" For me it's "Anything Goes" and you can sing "Over There"! Best place for you dear! That'll teach you to make your remarks about my battery acid!

Ooh Addy- you comin' out your shell ain't ya darlin'? Hugh Janus???? You always say about my Philma's name. We called 'im after the dentist fella- Philma Cavity. 'E's already got a pair a red shoes. Don't go encouragin' 'im wiv Mays old tat. Me nerves won't take it darlin'. I'm gettin' right worked up now about this Chester fingy. I'm gonna play my Wiggys Moonlight Becomes You. D'you fink I'll be ok? I 'ad a celestrial message form Lavvy. She's gonna play about saints marchin' around. Is she a saint d'you reckon? Poor old Lavvy.
Yeah, I bet May would love all them mails in 'er pad. I expect she'll be after Barry Tone, as all the girls are. She ain't bin around lately. Where's she gone to Add? I xpect she's worn 'erself out. Still, will give me a chance to stick 'er bass back togevver. It's almost done. Looks like a cross between a veeolin and a bonfire. I found a label sayin' "Strad" summink. Does that mean anyfing? I'll stick it on the back anyway.
My Philma sings a good song. 'E loves "I'm Just the Fairy on the Christmas Tree". Anyfing goes wiv you right enough. Well I've done me garglin'. I'll give ya me first rendation of me song. Tell me ya foughts about it won't ya darlin'?
"Over There"- written, arranged and performed by the one and only Lydia Coal-Bunker.

Why you over there
When I am over here?
Don't ya find it 'ard
To whisper in me ear?
Ya shout ya bloomin' mouf off
Cos we're too far away
I'll have to have me 'air done
I'm goin' far too grey.
Come over 'ere then darlin'
I wanna see ya face
On second thoughts, just go away
And give me back me space.

Will that do darlin'? or does it need a bit a tweekin' 'ere and there? No May- you ain't tweekin' nuffin'.

Well. I have to say it Lidd. That is one of your finer efforts. I tried it to the tune that I know and love but I couldn't get it to fit too well so I sang it to "We Plough the Fields and Scatter" instead. Lovely it was! Far better that that "Wir Pfugen" rubbish! We'll give it a go in the bobtail bar this evening.
I don't think that Strad of May's was anything special. It isn't a name that I've ever seen in the Yamaha shops so it can't be up to much. She couldn't reach up to play it without standing on things anyway so the fact that it is quite a lot smaller now that you have stuck what was left of it back together should be a bonus for her.
Right, that's enough practice done for one day. What shall we do this afternoon? Fancy a trip over the channel to a Christmas market thingy? We can pack a lot more into my limo, it's not half full yet. I'm not going to eat any of those snail burgers though. Your rat and carrot soup was more than enough for me that time!

You're right clever Addy. I wondered what toon to use! Ploughing fits a treat. I take me 'at off to ya. Cor yeah, let's go to Francis for the day hor-he-hor-he-hor! D'you like me accent sweet? I'll transpose for ya while we're over there cos I know you can get in a bit of a muddle wiv ya goo ga goff lingo.
I love a snail burger,me. Them crunchy bits get stuck in me teef though. You 'avin them frogs legs, dear? Make ya jump around a bit eh? Hehe- or is that oui oui!! That reminds me. Must go to the ladies before we set off.
Come on then sweet. Lets get all the gear in the Lino. Off we go. We goin' on the water or frew the tunnel? Ooh I'm so excited- almost as excited as you yesterday wiv ya one snow flake!
Sing wiv me darlin'-
"Sue la pont david ont la la la la la la la la....."

Ay Liddy, that ferry crossing was a bit turbulent! Still it was worth it just to see these lights. I love a good Christmas market, especially now that I have some money to spend. Let's go to one of those posh frock shops and get ourselves something special to wear. I have always wanted a Parisian gown. You can have a red one to match your nose and I'll look for something in pearl pink. We can find ourselves one of those git places to stay in for a day or two. I haven't had a proper abroad holiday since I set out for Bognor that time and ended up in a lay-by in the Outer Hebrides. I'll tell you all about it some time.
Let's pop in to a local tavern and see what's going on. I fancy a drop of something glycolic.

Binjoor Addy! See- I pick up languages very quick, I do honest! Wot a day we 'ad. That water was a bit choppy, ay? I was goin' up and down like I was on a bitta lastic. Ta everso for lettin' me take a photo of ya when you went that green colour. I'm gonna show it to the boys in the DIY shop so's I can get some paint for me 'allway.
Ooh la la! You're a one wiv them French lads. Kickin' ya legs up and dahn doin' the old Can Can. Can Can?? Will Will, more like. Talk about seein' next weeks washin'. Didn't know where to put me eyes Add. Bet you payin' for it today though. You got aches and pains all over no doubt. I went up that Blackpool Tower. Came over all queasy at the top. Ain't 'alf 'igh up innit?
Wot a lovely pair of frocks we got though. I'll feel very grand in Chester in mine darlin'. Never sin such a bright pink. And all them luvverly sparkly sequal fings. Will go nice wiv your yella number. And all that luvverly perfoom. We gonna smell like one of them air freshener fings we got in the 'otel baffroom.
'Ow did ya get from Bognor to the Hibridees? Can't wait to 'ear that tale.
I fink me song went dahn a storm last night ay darlin'. 'Ow good of 'em to throw fings at us like they did. Must be a Francis fing.
Won't be long before the old Lino 'as to go back. So where we off to today? Why don't we go round and find the 'ouse wiv the best lights on the outside, then I can use me peashooter to blow 'em all out! Hehe! OK, I'm only kiddin'. Philmas asked me to get some curlers, cos his and the cats perm is droppin' already. Can't get a decent perm anywhere nowadays. Shall we do the last of our Christmas shoppin' then? I dunno wot I'm gonna get ya darlin'. You got everyfink you need now ya gotta a wad a notes in the bank.
Come on then sweet. If anyone pushes, barges or treads on me toes, they'll get a poke wiv ya crummy 'orn. Knew it would be good for summink.

Bunjuur Liddy. Good little git place this isn't it? I think that they would market them better if they called them B & Bs though' like we do at home. That Blackpool tower was high and that Marble Arch copy too! Why they have to make copies of our monuments is beyond me though. Haven't they got any ideas of their own? They'll be making a bronze of Great May soon. Ooh look! They have already! Up there on that big cathedral. Looks just like her too.
I don't really think that you should paint your passage green Liddy. It's a very council house colour and we are posh old ladies, especially now that we are wealthy with it.
I'm not at all stiff after my dancing last evening either you cheeky fillet. I am very flexible. It's all that leaping on and off my Dobbin that does it. Perhaps we'll buy you a horse when we get back. A big coloured cobby one. Would you like that Lidd?
I know just what I want for Christmas; A big box of those lovely Breton biscuits like the ones that you stole from the couple on the next table in the cafe this morning at breakfast. Lovely they were.
Right, shall we head back to the ferries and stop in one of those cash and carry places on the way or shall we head south to Italy? I love those Latin men! My favourite breed in the universe! What do you think Liddy?

Bijou Add! I dunno why they copied us. We should be right proud though ay? We get the bright ideas and everyone else copies 'em. Musta bin that bloke Nappy Bone-Apart. 'E 'ad a bit of a to do in them oldun days didn't 'e? Did you ever meet 'im? Can't imagine 'im sayin' "Not tonight, Addy". Don't sound the same does it? I don't fink that's bronze. Looks more like plastic to me. Where is May? I get awful worried when she's quiet. Never know what she's up to. Can hazard a guess though.
I fought we might go on to Ostrya and see where me Wiggy fella stayed. I wanna see if old Alf Veeder-Sane still lives there. I took a right fancy to Alf when 'e took me ski-ing. Mind you, 'e kept asking if I was piste. I can hold me gin as good as anyone. How about we go there, and then to see your Italian fellas? I better not risk 'avin' any spagetty as I tie meself up in knots. We can go and get blest by that fella in Rome. Whats 'is name? Benny Dict, that's the fella.
I ain't never bin on an 'orse in me life darlin'. Better get me a good strongun. One of them Shy ones should do. I'll call 'im Derek. Ta everso.
I'll get you a box a biscuits from the duty free on the way back. Good innnit if everyfings free?
Well, lets go. Mind all that soap and slippers you..er..acquired from the old git. Be right embarassing if you get caught by one a them Jen Darmes.
I'm gonna practice me yodelling for when we get over them big hill fings.
"Yoda-loda-loda-loda-lo-he-he" 'Urts ya froat don't it?

Hooray, I'll be able to get myself an Alphorn, and we can go to see where your Luggage-Van fellow lived. Ostria it is then! Should see some snow there Liddy.
I don't think that we should try to yodel at our age dear. Our cartilages have ossified years ago and they won’t be doing with it any more. We can go in one of those cable car things too, if you aren't over the weight limit.
Get in my limo and let's go. Put in "Ostria" as a destination on my sat-nav and we'll see where we end up.
We'll do Italy afterwards. I wonder how Florence is these days. I used to love "The Magic Roundabout".

Righto darlin'! I love Ostrya I do. Let's see where sat navvy takes us. Of course I ain't too 'eavy for the cable car. Bloomin' cheek. What about you on the speakin' scales then? When you got on it said "One at a time please." I ain't gonna let ya rattle me darlin'. I'm 'avin' a great old time 'ere. Woo that's a big 'ill innit? Look- real snow!! Not your pretend stuff like back 'ome. You gonna go on the piste Addy? I'll 'ave a glass or two of Snaps but that about it. What's the point of ski-ing anyway? Why d'you lug two planks a wood up the 'ill for, only to come slidin' dahn again. Don't make sense to me. Still, them instructors can be right good lookers, ay darlin'? I won't be doin' no more yodellin' while we're 'ere cos I don't wanna set off one of them Avylinch things. We could end up in a great big snow ball rollin' round and round.
I used ta like Florence and Zebedee. I fink I ate Brian the snail when we was in Francis yesterday.
You won't be playin' that horn fing 'ere will ya? Silent night? Some hopes.
'Ere we are at Wiggys 'ouse. Didn't take long did it? Oh look at that great big trumpet fing. Fancy 'avin' to stick that in your earole. I'm fillin' up again Add. Me emotions are playin' 'avoc wiv me. Sniif sniff. Ooh pass me an 'ankey. Poor little love. No wonder 'e looked so cross. Wot wiv bein' deaf and comin' from Belgium. Still, the boy done good didn't 'e? You wanna go to Wolfies 'ouse, do ya? Come on then. Sniff sniff.

Well. that was a bad end to an otherwise lovely day Liddy fach. We got thrown out because you sat yourself down at Wiggy's old desk and yelled "Your immortal beloved is here at last me old mucker" and then you leapt over that rope thing and started playing his old piano. I don't think that curator liked your version of "Keep your 'and on yer a'penny" I didn't know where to put myself! Let's go back to the hotel and go to see if we can do some more museums tomorrow, if we are not on a blacklist.
I wonder if they do late light snacks. I've got the munchies after all that excitement.

I'm everso sorry darlin'. I don't know what come over me. Summink just said "get yourself at that old piana, Lidd". So I did. I 'ad to let my old luvver know I was there diddun' I? That coorater fella kept sayin' "Nine! Nine!" That's why I belted out the Ode To Joy like a goodun. 'Ere, wait a minute! What's 'e writin' a song to Joy for? Who is she? I bin let dahn again.
I do 'ope we ain't blacklisted by no-one. We'll 'ave to get the disguises out. Where'd you keep them balaclava fings we always wore to the bank every Tuesday? We'll 'ave to buy some of them sausages while we're 'ere. I love a good long sausage.
So where'd you wanna go today? We makin' our way over the Imalayas to Italy? Good at jography, me. I know the names of all the 'ills round 'ere.
Come on then darlin'. Let's tell sat navvy where we wanna go.

I am not so sure that the disguise idea worked too well either Lidd. Stiletto heels, lederhosen and balaclavas didn't really help the situation much. And nor did your new hat with those edelvice things all over it. We looked a proper sight and no mistake! Still, those museums were good. Wiggy, Wolfie and his gang and that relative of your Bert. It makes you think! I don’t remember a Mrs. Joy Beethoven dear, so he probably wasn’t as bad as he’s made out to be. Pass us another of those wolf chocolates if there are any left, Liddy. We’ve got a merry Ostrian night to spend in the local pub; free drinks if you can yodel and a sausage if you can blow an alphorn so we'll give it another go, and then we'll head on to Italy in the morning. Do you know how to play “The Happy Wanderer”? And no playing “Springtime for Hitler”! You’ll get us arrested.

Well, darlin'. Here we are in sunny Italy. Chow bambino!! He he! Bet your jealous of my languages ain't ya sweety? Cor! them Italian geezers- way hay! Behave yourself Addy. When you threw them coins in the fountain you nearly took that poor boys eye out. It's supposed to be romantic. Did you really have to jump in tryin' ta get the coins out again? Made a right show of yaself.
Fancy building a tower so it nearly falls over. Ain't they never 'eard of a ruler? Shoddy workmanship I call it. And that Colly Seeum. No roof or nuffin'. Very cold in winter, ay darlin'?
Still, we're gonna be blessed by Benny later. I'm right looking forward to that. Don't go makin' eyes at the poor fella, Addy. No, you can't wear bright yella. 'Ave a bitta respect.
Where we goin' for lunch then? All these places outside on the pavement. All very odd. They got a good indoors, but sit outside. Some folk are funny, ay darlin'. Come on then. I fancy a peesa de pizza. He he there I go again. Showin' off. I told ya to get a fraze book diddun I? Ok ok I'll let ya borra mine.
We gonna 'ave a go at the opera while we 'ere? I fancy a good old warble in the opera 'ouse. Yes, I do know me arias from me elbow, darlin'.
Honestly, sometimes I fink you fink I'm fick or summink.

I love Italy Lidd. I want to stay a bit longer. That Pope fellow was ok too. We had a really good look after we'd body-surfed our way to the front. A pity that you kept yelling "Over here Ben" as he was trying to bless us though. You keep forgetting yourself and get us thrown out of places! Verona was nice as well.. That crowd really liked our duet didn't they? I bet that they've never heard "My father swallowed a kangaroo" sung with such style and enthusiasm. I think they enjoyed our stereo version of your song "Over 'ere". It was a clever idea singing it to each other from opposite ends of the arena. That is quite an Italian thing in the big churches you know. They all did it years ago so we were upholding a great musical tradition. We did quite well with all that money that they threw at us. I don't know why that fat American woman threw a banana skin though. Maybe it is traditional over the pond as your Philma would say.
I have booked us into a genuine palazzo this evening; a bit like that Great May's pad but foreign! Tomorrow we'll do a few shops and see if you can behave a bit better! Bona knotty, Addy.

Ladies, I do hope you can both join Hudson and I at my Italian lakeside residence at Garda. My Italian chef is wonderful, and makes the most delectable pasta, and 30 types of ice cream!
I have just got back from a shopping spree in Milan, and have pressies for both of you. Black leather corsets and lacy skirts. Hope you've still got those red stilettos. By the way, can you bring the double bass with you dears?
Great Aunt May.

Ay Liddy, that Great May is having a weekend away with her butler!!!!!!!!!! I'll tell her that you have had her double bass modified a little and that it is now only a single bass and you can think of something to explain what happened to those shoes. Blame it on the dog if you like. Lake Garda is up in the north and we are down in the south so that may be an excuse not to go. What do you think Lidd? I would sooner get back home in time for the Christmas parties and the carol concerts. Hang on....I've got a card here. Let's send her a nice reply.

Our Dearest and Bestest friend Great May,
How very kind of you to invite us to your abode in the Italian lakes. Unfortunately we have to return to the UK at very short notice owing to some unforeseen emergencies at our homes. We are so very sorry not to be in the position of accepting your offer. We will so miss our stay with you. We hope that you and your butler will have a wonderful time and will not miss our company as mush as we will miss yours. We will make sure that your red shoes and double bass are returned to you upon your arrival back in the UK. Do enjoy your stay. With very bestest wishes for a wonderful holiday,
Lydia Coal-Bunker and Adeline Nuffield Owen.

What do you reckon to that then Lidd? Grovelly enough? Right, let's get our limo packed and ready for off. Why you had to buy a four foot high model of the leaning tower of that pizza place that lights up and sings Santa Lucia when anybody walks past it I'll never know, but bung it in the back with all of our other stuff. It will look interesting in your hallway when you have visitors.

Ooh dear darlin'! Wot we gonna do about May and 'er mini bass and shoes? D'ya fink the card will work? I fought she'd done a bunk wiv 'Udson and we wouldn't see 'er no more. Still, just be honest and tell 'er you ran over the bass wiv ya Lino. The singe marks are covered by the Straddywotsit label, so she'll never know it's bin on the fire. Good job she's norf and we souf, eh?
I fink that tower will look good in me 'allway don't you dear? My 'ouse leans a bit since I blew it up so it will go in a treat I reckon. I managed to get the Bile Green paint as well so should look luvverly wen it's all done.
I s'ppose we need to fink about gettin' 'ome now it's nearly Crimble time agen. Mind you, if I get any little darlin's singin' about Carol on me doorstep, they'll get bombarded wiv me old Christmas puds left over from 1942. We 'ad ta go down in the old shelter so the puds got left on the table. 'Ard as rock they are. Bit like your mince pies darlin'. Nearly broke me teef on 'em last year.
Philma rang last night. "Be sure to get me a nice outfit from Milan, ma" 'e says. I says "We ain't nowhere near Milan." We'll get summink in M & S on the way 'ome. 'E'll never know.
It's bin right good bein' in ya Lino wiv ya darlin'. I'll miss ya, I really will. Wot did ya like best on our travels, apart from them Italian fellas? I fink it's gotta be old Wiggys 'ouse for me darlin'. And them great long sausages- ain't never sin anyfing like 'em in me life. I bought one fer Bert to chew on. Keep 'im quiet for the next firty year or so.
Ah well, let's get packed up lovey. Put them slippers back! That MrB is a bad influence on ya darlin'. We'll keep the soap and towels as they'll come in 'andy wen we due a baff next month. My New Years resilotion is to 'ave a baff every three monfs insted of every four. Wot's yours then darlin'? To 'ave proper singin' lessons? Hehe, only joshin' ya sweet'eart. You bought that cristal shandaleer dahn in the opera 'ouse wiv ya top C. Was a miracle no-one was 'urt. Still, I grabbed a few bits ta make a pair of earrings wiv for when we go ta Chester.
Come on then, sweet. Let's put "'Ome" in sat navvy.

We'll sort out that little problem of Great May's bass and her shoes if we hear from her again. Not sure that we will though. Maybe she and her butler fellow will stay put in Italy. Then we can pretend to post them to her and then pretend that they got lost on the way. Maybe she has them on her insurance policy and can claim. Don't think they were worth much though, especially that Straddy bass after you'd chopped it up and then airfixed it back together again.
I think that I liked those carol singers in Ostria best. The beer was nice too. Far better than the stuff at The Purple Camel. That tastes like your old jumper stewed up and boiled a lot!
What are we going to do for Christmas Lidd? There's still pots of money left after I won on that itch card thing. Let's get some Euro lottery tickets on the way back in case we get lucky again.
Let's call in on one of the Christmas markets on our way. We can get presents for our friends back home if they haven't all died off while we've been gone. I'm sure that I heard old Lavvy playing her clarinet the other day when I was in the dining room. I could hear strains of "When the Saints" and I got deja-vu all over again!
Watch my crumhorn Lidd. I don't want to break it now that it has all of those badges on it. Those walkers were well taken with it weren't they. One kept saying Che cosa bella but he may have been looking at your big nose at the time. Only joking Lidd!
Let's put a Christmas tree on top of my limo. Then we can wave to people and shout Merry Christmas in lots of languages at them. X Addy

So, 'ere we are almost 'ome agen. Wot a great time we 'ad, ay darlin'? Them poor peeple in Urope will remember us for a good long time I reckon. Hehe! We 'ad a laff diddun we sweet? I liked them Christmas markets right enuff. Couldn't see none of me glittery mice for sale though. Never mind. Good atmosfere were'nt it? You blew ya crummy 'orn like ya life depended on it, then we 'ad ta run for our lives cos of them Politzyay fellas bein' after us. Ta everso for me O de Colon perfoom. Makes me smell a treat.
Fancy old Lavvy playin' 'er clarinet agen. She must be reserected or summink. Spooky ay? I fink we got away from May.
I 'ope we 'ave some luck on your ticket, darlin'. I'm gettin' right used to the high life, I can tell you. D'you fink we would get away wiv keepin' the Lino? Me naybours would be green wiv envoy. Fancy goin' to the Purple Camel in that! We won't let riches change us though will we sweet'eart? You and me are youneek.
My old mum used ta say "They broke the mould after you wos born, our Lid". My dad always said "Fank gawd fer that".
Well, Philmas got 'is new outfit fer 'is Christmas do next week. A nice green number wiv red spots. Makes 'im look like a tree wiv meesles but ya can't tell 'im anyfink. I scribbled Milan over the M & S label and the poor boy wos none the wiser. Wot you wearin' on Christmas day then Add? I got meself a mini skirt while we wos in Francis. Got me trawler net stockin's an' all so I'm gonna knock 'em dead. I gotta great pressy for ya darlin' but I'm gonna keep it a surprize til the big day gets 'ere.
I gotta song in me 'ead darlin'. We can sing it all day long.
"Santa baby........"

[ ..... dropped from the Fantasy Thread ....]


I'M SAFE!! Oh thank you maggiemay.... What a relief..... Liddy, Addy, Great Aunt May - gosh you all seem so, well, NORMAL!!!!

I'm going to bed while I'm still safe. Perhaps I'll wake up in the morning and discover it's all been a dreEeEaAaAmmm.....

Strange noises are heard from the coal bunker in Liddy's garden.

**Cough cough splutter splutter**
Stroof- it's taken all this time ta climb out me bunker. Fancy 'idin' me front door key in there. Bloomin' lid slammed right dahn on me 'ead. Stoopid old Philma 'eard me bangin' away but fought it woz next door bangin' on 'is drums. I diddun 'alf box 'is ears for 'im. Covered from head to foot in coal dust, I am.
Good job I got me Avon order and me O de Colon perfoom from Francis. That's all I needed after a good old time in Addys Lino. Could do wiv goin' away agen already. Put the kettle on May. It's your turn to be honoured wiv me company for a month or two.

Worse fing is- I missed me old Wiggys birfday on Satday. 236 years old 'e was. Baked a cake and everyfin'. Still that came in 'andy for lobbin' at Philma. Great lump of lard 'e is. I spent all me hours in the bunker 'ummin me penguin piana music to meself.

Wot you lot on about in that Fantasy fing? Dunno wot planet you all from. Sayin' those fings about me an Addy. You wait til you 'ear us singin'. You'll eat your words, I'm tellin' ya. Wot you fantasisin' about anyway? Blowed if I know.

Better go an' 'ave a baff. Wasn't gonna 'ave one til March. Frone all me routine out it 'as.

I'll be back in a minute.

Well Lidd, I am safely back home with the limo parked outside for all to see. I hope you got on all right after I left you at your door. So sorry that I didn't have time to come in for a panad. I really had to dump your things and run as I wanted to see old Dobbin before it was dark. I expect your Philma had a nice hot meal waiting for you. Not had a chance to read my post yet Lidd. There's a huge pile of it here. I'll be in touch tomorrow. Nachty-nacht. See! I picked up some foreign talk too.

More very odd noises from Liddy's coal bunker

That's you lovey. I frew you in there yesterday. Be'ave yaself an' I might let you out agen.

Boonos Deos Addy darlin'. Glad you got 'ome safe an' sarnd. Bet you didn't get shut in no coal hole ay? Now I got old May in me bunker. Still at least we know where the daft old bird is. I'll keep 'er in there til I've fought of an excuse for 'er shoes and single bass Straddywotsit. It's alright fer you bein' back in goo ga goff land. Old May came round like a whirlwind last night.
"Where's me shoes? Where's me double bass?" she kept hollerin'. 'Ad ta frow 'er in the bunker cos she was anarf mad. Ain't never sin nuffin' like it in me life. Fink she needs them men in white coats, lovey. Still, I frew in some needles and wool. She's still knittin' fer Yantoo so that will keep 'er quiet for a while.
Bet your naybours are right jellus of your Lino! I'll 'ave a go in it agen one day. Are we goin' to Chester in it? We can sit in the back and wave like old Queenie.

Ah well, better go and throw some cat food to May. She likes it with suntan lotion on. Strange int she? Give us a few lines wen ya read all ya post sweet. Lucky ain't ya? I don't get no post from nobody.

See ya soon darlin'
Liddy xx

No she didn't throw me in here. Hudson and I are hiding in here From the Mavia.
It's a long story, but Hudson and I are not what we seemed.
I don't like Cat food Liddy, have you got any smoked salmon dear?? And where are my red shoes????
Great Aunt May.

I don't want you bringin' no trouble to me door May. I got enuff of me own. Stroof them Raffia men 'ave big guns an'all. Wot you bin doin' wiv 'Udson? My old mum used ta say "You'll attract trouble like a magnet, Lidd". Well, I don't want no Raffia man on the end of me magnet if it's all the same to you. Be on your way to goo ga goff land. Addys got ya red shoes and double bass. Take that Laura bird wiv ya an' all. Me Philmas taken a shine to 'er outfit.
Oh I need a good long stiff drink. Where's me mug of scrumpy- or 'ave you 'ad that too May?

Addy where are you when your pal needs you? Can't we go away agen?

Liddy dear, we're homeless. Let me explain I was born into the landed gentry, and am related to that Queenie lady. BUT........my dear old Papa, was a bit silly with his investments, and we were very poor, going from one set of cousins to the next to get a meal When I hit the big time with my music hall singing and made loads of money, I bought the pile. Hudson is my brother, he has got a bit of a past , so I gave him a job as my Butler. To cut a long story short, we had a bit of bother with the taxman, and the pile is no longer mine. Also, the stradi double base is not mine, but belongs to a mavia hitman. There is a million bucks hidden in there which will get me and Hudson to the States. But the key to the base case is in the heel of my red tarty shoes. SO WHERE ARE THEY????
Great Aunt May.

Well Lidd, do you believe one word of that? We both know that there was no money in that bass or else you would have found it when you smashed it up for firewood. There might have been a key in the heel of the tart shoes but the case wasn't locked anyway. Do you think that Great May is making up stories just to get her paws on what's left of my money? You take my advice and let them out of that bunker and pack them off home. If they really are hard up she can go to her Majesty and ask for a bed for a few days until she gets herself sorted. I hear that she has a nice place in Wormwood.
I had to take my limo back. The hire people wanted it for someone calling himself Barry-Clarry so it had to go. I do miss it though. It took me ages unpacking all of the stuff that we'd bought. My house if full to bursting point.
I am still working my way through a huge pile of post; I had one from the Euro lottery people telling me that I had a winning ticket but I thought that it was one of those spam things. You come over and have a look tomorrow Liddy. I could be wrong. We can have a run-through of our song for the Chester thingy at the same time if you like. There's a do on at the Purple Camel tomorrow evening so we can go there afterwards if you like. I'm off to scrub out my fridge now. It got a bit fluffy and grey while I was away and now it smells quite bad. See you tomorrow Lidd. X Addy.

There you are Add. What a palaver to find meself in. That May can 'alf shout when she wants to. I don't believe wot she says darlin'. Like you say, we woulda found 'er money. I fink she's after yours right enuff. Send 'er off to that Wormy place then she'll be sorry. I fink I'll go back in the bunker meself- I ain't 'ad a minutes peace since I got 'ome.
Then that Harry Clarry wants ya Lino. Wot's 'e want it for? I dunno- season of goodwill. Humbug! Yeah, I fink I'll come over and 'ave a warble wiv ya darlin'. We need to practice our toon.
Cor- you still goin' frew ya post lovey? Mighty popular aren't you sweet? I get letters in nice red writin' wiv Bill written on 'em. Dunno who this Bill is. I keep sendin' 'em back sayin' I don't know no Bill. Still will be good if you gotta ticket. Surely someone as clever as you knows the difference between a ticket and that 'orrible Spam stuff? I'll explain it to ya when I see you later.
Well, me Philmas gone off wiv Mays pal Laura. Seems they share the same taste in outfits. What a boy 'e is. Bert's suckin' away on 'is sausage what I bought back from Ostrya and the cat's got 'imself a blue rinse. Sometimes I don't believe what's goin' on around me darlin'. We could write a book couldn't we? What shall we call it? "The Trails and Tribilations of Lydia Coal-Bunker- Read Til You've Addy Nuff". Wot d'you fink? best seller I reckon.
Put the kettle on if you can fight your way out of ya post lovey. I'm on me way.

That took you ages Lidd. Still, the kettle is still on and the mince pies are warm and all is well with the world. Here, you take a look at my lottery letter. What do you think? It isn't asking for any money or for my piggy bank details or anything like that.
I do miss the limo. If I have enough money left I might buy nyself a nice new car. Do you think that I could get one painted like a cow dear? It would fit in so well here.
Best seller? Yes I think so! We get so many people reading us that we should be published in a real book. My great Great Uncle Rufus was an author you know. He wrote "For the Sheer Halibut" the ultimate book on the cooking of halibut. It outsold Mrs Beeton in its time Liddy. I have a signed copy somewhere. I'll find it later when we've had a panad and a go through our tune for Chester. Do you like my top Eflat Lidd? Good and strong innit! Here, have a welsh cake.

Mornin' darlin'. I ain't so quick on me old pins as I used ta be. Seemed like it took me forever to get 'ere. It's a long walk from Kent to Anglesey you know. I stuck me fumb up for a lift, but did anyone stop? No they didn't. I see that Harry in ya Lino goin' past on the uvver side of the road. Even 'ad the cheek to wave, 'e did. I tell you, I waved back an' all, but not in a very ladylike fashion if ya get me meanin'.

Where's that panad darlin'? I'm gaspin' 'ere. Let's 'ave a look at ya ticket sweet. Ooh yeah- looks good ta me. Cor how excitin' lovey. You were born under a wanderin' star right enough. You can 'ave a car wiv a cow on, sweet. You'll look right good in it. Let's book a trip fer the New Year, ay darlin'? I fancy seein' them Viagra Fools. What about you sweet?

So you reckon our book will make us right rich? I diddun know you come from writin' stock darlin'. Ain't no Coal-Bunker wrote nuffin' as far as I know. I'll be the first one! I fink I'll write one about me boy, Wiggy. I'll call it "Get yerself a beetroot from me garden- and other well known Toons".

I 'ope you can manage that top Eflat darlin'. It makes me fret in case you do yourself a mischief. Still, we'll 'ave our panad, then we'll go an' 'ave a practice. 'Ere, put a drop of brandy in it. Warm an old girls cockles. Hehe. That welsh cake went dahn a treat. Got any more?

It took me ages to get here, to sunny Whales There was money in the double bass, and if you chopped it up for firewood, then the mavia will be after you too. We'll all have to go back to Liddy's and spend the whole of Christmas in the coal bunker They can be quite narsty when they want to be. Are you sure you didn't see the little compartment in the inside of the bass?? I don't want your money Addy, you are even scarier than the mavia
Are you having me on?? Have you got it safe for Aunty May?? Please, please.
Great Aunt May.

Stroof- 'ow did you get 'ere Great May? I've 'ad that Straddywotsit bass to pieces and I ain't sin no money. I fink you're losin' your marbles darlin'. You livin' in some fantasy world where ya keep on about Rushuns and fings. I fink you need 'elp darlin', I reely do. If you go to the end of Addy's field (about forty mile away) there's a well. Instead of frowing coins in, you 'ave ta throw yourself in. You swim for a little bit then you come out somewhere near Bermooda right in the middle of a great big Oshun or summink. Do you the world of good darlin'. Send us a card when you get there won't ya.

Boon Voyagent Darlin'.

That's it I'm telling the Mavia that you have their money, and the stradivirus. Me and Hudson are going to Beemooda fro Christmas, and Gawwwd elp you and Addy.
Disgrunteldly
May get a suntan very soon,

Well Lidd, if Great May really were homeless and penniless how can she and the so-called brother of hers afford to go to Bermuda for Christmas? I still don't believe the story about the money; it would be in a thundering great parcel, not a little packet too small to see hidden in a double bass. Why are the raffia after them anyway? Is she a drug runner for them so you suppose? If anyone comes around here asking for a straddy bass or a parcel of money they'll be sad and sorry because we don't have it.
Here, have another welsh cake and a panad. We have to sort out my euro lottery winnings if I really do have a winning ticket and then we have serious shopping to do. I don't think that we can plan another holiday until after that Chester event thingy. That petrat person will be so upset if we don't get there so we can't let her down. Our fans must be looking forward to it so much, Let's get some more practice in today after I've fed my old Dobbin and taken him out for a burn-up. I'll go down to the village and get us a couple of papers to read.

............................................................................

Right, that's all done. I got us two papers. Do you fancy the News of The World or the Daily Post Lidd?

GREAT RUBBER DUCKS Liddy! Have you seen the headline? What do you make of that then?

No I ain't sin no 'eadlines! Tell me what you so excited about darlin' for gawd sake. Steady now you'll 'ave one of ya turns.

Here, bung youe eye glass in and have a look! "Husband and Wife Scamsters Arrested at Border" and there's a picture of that Great May and her so-called butler. What are scamsters Liddy? Are they those little furry rodent things that run about in wheels and keep you aware in the night? You read it to me, dear.

Cor stroof darlin'. 'Ang on a minute while I find me specs.

**Rummages in bag- pulls out used tissues, tin of cat food, Yantoos scarf, bottle of gin, clean undies, a sandwich made in 1941...**

Ah- I knew they woz 'ere somewhere. Now let's 'ave a look at what you're so excited about. Ooh yeah- would you believe it. Our May and 'er whatever 'e 'is caught like rabbits in a headlight! Look at 'er face! hehe- never sin such a look of surprise on anyone in me life. Let's see what it says:

"Today an old lady called May and a man claiming to be her brother were picked up by border police in Cuba. "Put me down at once". She screeched, but police had a good firm hold. These two hideous looking people were caught with 50gms of the finest drugs money can buy.
"I fought it was tobacco" Screeched May Pole, 95 from Nowhere In Particular, England. "It's a set-up! I've been framed!" (That's a good idea, ay Add? We'll get a fine frame for that picture! Right what else does it say?)
"Her "brother" denied all responsibility saying that his "sister" had not been well for a "long time" and kept on about Russians invading England on Friday. Ms Pole said she was told to swim to Bermuda by Lydia Coal-Bunker ('ere! I'm in the paper Add!) and pleas for the safe return of a pair of red shoes had been ignored by Adeline Nuffield-Owen (Ooh- you an' all Add! Excitin innit?). Police said they would question these two ladies at a later date. (Oh blimey Add- we better get our stories right!)
Police have decided to keep Ms Pole and her sidekick in custody pending psychiactric reports. This is likely to be in July 2007 "What about me turkey and Christmas pud?" screeched Ms Pole "What about it?" replied the police."

Woo Add- old May in jail til next Summer. D'you really fink the polis will come lookin' for us? Better get a new dress and 'airdo just in case, ay?

Poor old May! That'll teach her to tell stories, eh Lidd? Drugs too! I wonder what she had. If the pigs police do come around we can just show them this document as evidence. Then they will see just what May is all about with that "brother" of hers and we will be above suspicion. If the case goes to court some-one will have to read out our posts as evidence! Then we might get rich and famous and get asked to appear on all those chit-chat show things.
I feel a bit sorry for her having to spend all that time in jail though, but I expect that she'll make the best of things. She does like her men in uniforms too so I hope that their guards won't be bribed by her.
Right, enough about that. I'm going to phone about my lottery ticket. Pass us the number. Oh dear, I am picking up your language Liddy
Pass me the number please. Hey, it is ringing................. "Hello, I have ticket number 223781663/89A. ......Yes, that’s right. IT IS? BL====DY GREAT. FLIPPIN' WONDERFUL! There is a dog after all! ....................

LIddy, they are going to send a man from the company around to make arrangements for a presentation. Fancy some toast with jam and mustard to celebrate? We might get our pictures in the local rag.

Ay Add- that's bloomin' marvellous darlin'! Ho Ho Ho- Merry Christmas eh? I wanna go on that Parky show. I'd love ta give 'im a good slap on the thigh! hehe! Full of Christmas Spirit, that's me. Wheresh the gin and a shtraw.. hic

Lishen Liddy, perhapsh we shhhhhould go a little eashier on this bottle of whatever it is. I can feel it taking hold and I don't want to mishhhh the nice man from the Euro thingy. Perhapsh jusht one more tiny glassh?
Hic hic oops hic. Thish is quite dishgraceful behavior for thish time of the day! He he he he hic he. Oh, that'sh my phone ringing. Will you get it Lidd? You are nearer to it.

Who's been drinking my scotch?? Ha! You thought I was banged up in Cuba eh?? Well, I managed to bribe the jailer and we got a flight home double quick. The mavia boss has died from eating too much Panettone, and so we are all off the hook. Except that Hudson and I have no where to go. SO. We'll be living with you 2 friends for a while. Until we can rob the next bank........ sorry I mean win the lottery
Pass the scotch dear.
Great Aunt May.

**Slaps Addy on cheeks**
Come on darlin'. Sober up quick. We ain't got ridda Great May after all. She's like one of them Vampire Bat fings. Every time you fink she's gorn- boom!- there she is right back agen. Well, I've gone and changed me name just in case. I'm now Apple Blossom. Sometimes I could be Liddy though. Gawd- I'm gettin' right confused. That 'phone call sed we can get the ticket from the newsagent. It was only a tenner after all darlin'. No Viagra Fools for me next year. And you won't be gettin' yer car wiv the silly cow on neiver.
Ah well, it woz good while it lasted. Me good lookin' fella wiv the boxes is givin' away a fair bit over Christmas. I'm gonna try me luck there, sweet'eart.
By the way, you can 'ave May and 'Udson between now and June and then again from July til next Christmas. Does that suit you darlin'?
Have fun wiv ya new 'ouse mates. I'm off 'ome agen. See you next year lovey xx
Love Apple (or am I Liddy) xx

Well. I have had enough of this Lidd. They have made themselves really at home here; they have kidnapped the remote controller, eaten me out of house and home and used all of the hot water so I can't even have my monthly bath and on Christmas eve an' all! They have to go! I have called the local policeman and he is coming round later to see what can be done.
My Dobbin is quite upset too. They've had his Christmas carrot cake and now he will have no treat tomorrow. They've got to go!
I know.....I'll sing to them all night. That'll fix them.

Good to 'ear you havin' such fun lovey! Trust you to call the men in uniforms now I'm 'alf way 'ome. Never mind. I got me turkey in the oven so you never know. I might blow me 'ouse up agen. Get one of them fire lads to pull me cracker. Hehe! keep an old girl 'appy. If he's 'andsome enough 'e can pull me wishbone an' all!! Hehehe. I'm gonna 'ave a fine old time. Sorry you got no food left lovey. I'll bring a food parcel in January. D'you fink you can 'ang on til then? Give ya a chance to fit in ya new frock.
Merry Christmas to you and Old Dobbin. Tiddles 'as got a new fairy outfit from Philma and that Laura gel. Berts ready for a good dollop of stuffin' so we all set.
Have a good day, sweet. Cheers darlin'. xx
Lidd x