Eh up Add. They are swinging from the chandeliers, and Lidd has one stuck on her head now

Yes I miss yer, she'd have sent Gert packing with that Umbrella of hers before we had a wasp problem, and not made the stupid cow daft old bat wait until she broke her finger trying to dodge the things whilst juggling vinegar bottles and making eyes at the paramedics who were looking after my Grand-daughter.

When Liddy is back it'll be safe to bring the great grand sons round and play cowboys and ancient egyptians. Apparently its all the rage, its a PC varient on an old game.

Addy, are you there. Lidd's sent the odd message by semaphore after falling off a chandalier and hurting herself. Fine hubby that harry parry is turning into. She'll be laid up for the next few days.

Honeymoons are like that Summat old thing. Was it too long ago for you to remember dear? My first three husbands and I were walled up together for several days after we got married. Not all at once though you must understand.
Any more of that Harrow muck left or has that Gert bunged something else totally unsuitable in it?
Just a panad will do if not.

Still no sign of the happy couple. I wonder if Lidd will make harry adopt her name instead. Harry Coal-Bunker.........hm, yes, not bad at all.
There is a talent contest in the Spotted Ferret this evening. Shall we all go? Ther prize is a weekend for two in a health spa. If I win I could just go twice on my own!

Panad and a stewed prune butty anyone?

Oh blast it. I've dropped the Patti in the trifle.

More Harrow Mess. Should be a good'un There's the best part of a bottle of sherry in that Trifle, cream custard, boudoir fingers, cream, mixed summer berries pavlova Patti base, more summer berries and more cream


Addy I think ever since the chandelier landed at the bottom of the stairs, they've been forced to extend their honeymoon.

I expect that the daft pair have had to work all week in the kitchens washing dishes to pay for it.
This Harrow mess is good stuff Summat.

Hello ladies, its Fred here.
I dont know what all this rubbish as about a fella called Harry. Liddy is in my care, and I have been in touch with her this morning! Its probably going to be a couple of weeks before she's fully OK, and she's very disappointed not to be able to make it up to Ripon for Thea's recital, and more importantly to see me !

No, no, you old twit! That's DC, her great niece that you are talking about! We mean Lydia Coal-Bunker who has run away with Harry Parry and married him. They are on honeymoon in Italy. Keep up old bean.

Now look 'ere Fred. I know you're disappointed she married Harry and not you, but don't go nicking some other man's wife!

So Ticklish is playing that organ thing again... what a Ripp-off.


We did tell Harry Parry she had a penchance for Chandeliers.


Awh sorry Lidd. Gawn and hurt ya self girly. So it was Harry that ended doing all the washing up... oh and he's been asked to re-plaster the ceiling too.

Add, Addy

I've received a text message from italy. They've built some scaffolding in that hotel Liddy and Harry Parry.

As Liddy is experiencing sympathy pains for her grand-niece. Harry is recreating the ceiling of the sistine Chapel where that Chandelier was.

Be nice when it's finished.

I told you Larry Clarri had nice artistic hands
Add, we've won the Health Spa week. We can go. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeee. They loved our version of, "Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington".
May.

*finishes copy of Sistine Chapel ceiling*

Looks just like the real thing, doesn't it...

Add, I must have got Clarri mixed up with that Barking Thomas chappie. Have you seen what he's done to the Sistine Chapel??
Newsflash.................Italian police are looking for an English graffitti artist who has defaced the Sistine Chapel with cave drawings. The Mafia are calling for his head

Oh dear Add, we may have to rescue Parry and Lidd
May.

Don't panic May. It was the hotel ceiling that Harry Parry-Coal-Bunker painted with those little Dozen-a-Day people and not the real Sistine Chapel. It was some larger louts who did that. I don't think that they need to be rescued, at least not yet.
We should go off to the health spa before they change their mind May. I could just do with a nice mud pack and a massage.

Thank good ness for that Addy. Whew.
The health farm is tomorrow then. I'll meet you at the station and we can travel together on the train.
Hopefully we'll have a great time with no weird happenings
May.

I was planning to take Eddie but perhaps the trip would be a bit much for him. The train it is then! See you at first light May.

This spa place is great, Great May! The food is healthy but loads of it. I had expected them to put you at least on one of those detox diets but now. I really enjoyed the lunch with all those lumps of exotic fruit and the home made veggie pate and bread. You stink of garlic now May.
We have facials booked in later this afternoon. We'll look years younger when we get back. We'll knock 'em dead at the Purple Camel.

Thanks a lot Add, garlic is very good for you, clears the sinuses( and the room).
Add, I know the food is healthy, but that strawberry mash stuff was a face mask, and you've just gobbled the lot
Come on, let's go and do a work out in the gym. Have you got a sports bra Add??
May.

A sports bra, May? All of my bras are good sports! They have to be! I'm going to try out this fixed bicycle for a bit. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Goo eh May? Look; it tells you how far you have travelled on the computer thing and you can see the road on the screen in front of you. I am going to click on the "Tour of the Alps" button.

This is great!

What are you going to have a go on then Old Thing?

Yooee gels! Ya pal is back for a little while! *Don't anyone mention the word "back" *

What on earf 'as bin goin' on I would likes ta know?! I believe I is married ta Larry Parry?? 'Ow did that 'appen then? No offence Larry darlin', but I don't remember you's wooin' an' courtin' me like a fee-on-say should if ya get me meanin' ducky! An' why did ya go an' paint a picture of yaself on the Cistern Ceilin' then? 'Ave I 'ad a knock on the 'ead or what?

What abaht me boy Fred? Why are we not wed, Fred? Was it summink I said, Fred? Your words I will dread, Fred. I'll go an' 'ave some bread, Fred.

Could someone what is of sahnd mind please fill me in on the last few days events. ta everso.

Kettle's on.

I'm of sound mind if you don't mind Liddy. You and Harry Parry just ran away and eloped a while ago. Then you went to Italy on honeymoon, swung on one of those glass shandel chandlea n chanderleer lamp shade things, broke it, and then pulled half of the hotel ceiling down. Harry replastered it and then decided to paint pictures all over it. He wanted to make it look like the Sistine Chapel but it didn't. It did win an arawd for the best cistern in Florence though. Your prize was another week there. Harry came back without you though. he was on the jeremy Kyle show yesterday with two other ladies on his arm. (Well, actually they weren't on his arm so much as screaming at him for the entire show about having got married in secret whilst still being wed to them.)
May and I won a trip to a health spa and we now look absolutely fabulous. That crowd in the Spotted Ferret won't recognise us. That's because we don't go there any more. The ones at the camel will though, or rather they won't if you see what i mean.
Nice to have you back Lidd old bean.
As to Frederick Sharp the Lesser, the lesser said of him the better. He ran off with haddock Lil. !!!!

It's all lies Liddy, I never heard of 'haddock lil'. Sounds like there's some fishmongering, sorry rumourmongering going on. I'll have to have a quick trip down the A55 with my gun on the hunt for Ynys Mon chickens.

No chance mate! There is no such thing as a quick trip down the A55 today. We have a fuel price protest and rthe best you'll manage is 20mph after a several miles long tailback. That's your little plan foiled Fred. So there Fred! Anyways her at number 8 saw you with Haddock Lil so that proves everything. So there Fred! You are as bad as that Harry Parry if not worse.

Hey Lidd, do you remember writing out My Country, tis of thee. on an old pad of mine a few years ago? I used the back to draw a flower or two and I sent it to my third cousin twice removed by marriage in New York one Christmas. Some twit has just bought it in a flea market and thinks that it is another of our famous original manuscripts. It was on the news today. I recognised the scrawl of yours and my flowers. Tee hee eh Lidd?

Fred, we know you were at Haddock Lil's, and you were not battering her cod. No, you were Lil's catch of the day. Goodness knows what you've caught Fred
I lurve the rowing machine Add, makes me think of that loverley Steve chappie who won all those gold medals in the Olympics. Whoarrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
May.

May sitting all alone at the table with a lonely bottle of Scotch.
Is there anybody there??

Having re-created the Sistine Chapel ceiling, it's time for my next masterwork.

A copy of the Mona Lisa.

Here it is.



That'll look good on Lidd's wall...

It's......................interesting Clarri, but is the smile enigmatic enough, or has she in Lidd's words, "Got the wind behind her" ?
May.

She's smiling - good enough for me! Looks just like the real thing, don't you think?

Maybe, slimmed down a bit

Addy dear, dear Addy!! Woe is me, woe woe and thrice woe and one more woe for good measure!

Me Fred 'as gorn off wiv a stinkin' great 'Addock! 'Addock Lil of all people!! Now 'e says I needs ta slim dahn a bit...like 'is noo love Moanin' Lisa.

I am dead Adeline..Adeline I die...

I bin watchin' 'Amlet wiv that luvverly Melvin fella what comes from dahn under.

Ah well...kettle's on.

Lavvy x

Ooh what a luvverly cake..wherever did that come from? Tuck in gels

(Ta everso, Lavvy! xx)

It could also be an Easter Bonnet !

His Moaning, Lisa, will have a special new border of "dozen a day" figures" apparently its now all the rage.

Grand-daughter still is mainly off the net, but should be back soon.

Now the tennis is over and Lidd is back, I've mad a trifle out of some wedding cake.

'ello laddys
Why waz sumwan sik ahn lav's post

Flippin' 'eck..Gert's back! Where ya bin then? Whatta ya mean someones bin sick? Don't ya know a good old cake when ya sees it? Stroof darlin'..better get you's eyes tested.

Ooops don't trip over me feet dear..ya might just break ya finger or summink..

ey o you ol' carw!
incidently... someone told me i 'smelled of ugly'

I's believe they is right an' all! Tell me where they are an' I'll shake 'em firmly by the 'and. Then I'll shake you's firmly by the ne....nearly time fer tea. Make yaself useful an' stick the kettle on Gert.

Mind you's finger don't bend back dear....

oops split the boiling water on you

Twit...

Oooh..you's tripped over me walkin' stick..that's gotta hurt

Teas done... enewan forra bik?

*hands over plate of custard cremes. offers them to lid last. Eats hers just as she takes it*

Pig....

When is it you is orf ta Americky Gert?? Don't you's be in no 'urry ta come back ay dear?

Stroof an' blimey gels. Where are yas all when I needs ya? I'm bein' right abused 'ere an' not a one of ya's 'ere ta 'elp. Ta everso I say ta everso...

[... slaps the cello from h*ll on the back by way of a friendly greeting but unfortunately that makes him choke on the custard cream... ]




Lavvy

20th of joolaye.
Then orf to tha Buhamas fuh forr daze.

Try to not to choke on me custard cream darlin'.

Mebbe you's will be swallered up in the Bermoody Triangle type fingy whatsit!

*Gawd gels..'ow many days is it ta the twentyiff? *

twelv an carntin
nar aint gonna let nose moody triangle ta swaller me.

[... gets String-English dictionary out to translate... ]

I'll just look in me dicshunerry ta see what you is sayin' Gert. I ain't gotta clue what you is on abaht dear...

Why don't ya speak proper like what I do then?

oh my god..
that is actually my grandmother!!!