Look I need you lot to Samba to provide some Barlines wor the Rum Bar-lines, and Lidd... keep Gert away from any puddings. I put disgraceful amount of Rum in Rum Bar-lines.

Did someone mention disgraceful, alcohol and ladies in one sentence??
I'm here girls.
Here's the cheese and bread for the chutney.
May.

Ooh, did someone say cheese? Oi couldn't 'arf do wiv a tasty bit o' cheddar now. Hide the smell of 'is indoors'es feet it would!

Poor Humber. Has he got smelly feet dear?? Never mind...........have some stinky stilton, that'll help. Port with it??
May.

Well, Summat old bean, where has thou bin? I sent you a telegram on my mobile thing and got a delivery text back an hour later and that was the last I heard of you. I must assume that you are still on the mountain chatting up the rangers and the air crew of the helicopters.
May and I were all set to do the terrapin song in your honour too.
Ah well.
Large panad anyone? I have some new mugs to try out from the charity shop. They used to belong to Vernon Darnell from the Close but he had them monogrammed and then his wife made him give them away. The shop sold them off very cheaply. Dunno why!

VD Mugs eh Addy.......maybe his wife thought they meant Very Dodgy.
Panad, yes please.
I am sinbathing in the back garden Addy. I hope Bryn the Bread doesn't deliver to the back door, or he'll have a shock and think someone else has already thrown 2 baps over the fence
May.

Struth, May! You'll frighten the sheep Old Bean.



(Hey Bryn, over here quick! Come and have a laugh look at May and then tell all of your friends!)



Panad coming over. Mind you don't spill any. It's very hot.

Talking of hot things, I just made some ice cream. If you have any fruit ripe you can come over for supper later. Don't bring any of Harry's greenflies though. I tried one earlier and they are horrid.

[... leaves present for Addy and her chums...]


Lavvy x

Addy my dear, I got your message but was powerless to reply. Some ruddy mountain in the way called Y wyddfa. So whilst my Grandson was Carrying on up the khyber walking the beginning of the Watkins Path, I could not get through, and on the day of your return we had to do an emergency dash to Aberystwyth.

If I'd have checked for messages there we might have been reunited. However having been in the Gwynant valley two little Welsh Dragons have escaped to England Gareth Geraint, and Iwan Ydris.

After such adventure there is only one thing I want Panad Du.
Dioch an Fawr.

Boring da gels!!

I is gonna see me pal Addy on Fursdy! She's gonna ride 'er 'orse all the way over to my 'ouse then ride 'im all the way back agen to 'er 'ouse wiv me an' 'er on the back of 'im 'Ope 'e's a big strongun eh? I's gonna 'ave an 'oliday in Angel See fer a few days...good innit?? I got me bag packed already..but I ain't put no drawers in cos it's too bloomin' 'ot ta wear any

I'm right excited I'm tellin' yas I'm right excited. I got me stick so's I'll bash anyone on the 'ead wot says anyfing they shouldn't to me bestest pal in the weld.

An' no, you's ain't comin' Harry lad. You's gotta look after the 'ouse when I ain't 'ere. An' make sure ya feed Tiddles 2 an' all. I'll leave a "To do or else" list for ya's ta keep ya busy while I'm gorn.

I can't wait..I'm right excited abaht it.

Kettle's on gels.

Did I tell ya's I'm right excited? I fink I mighta done..just checkin'..

Lovely clementines May. Well done! That looks like a good and successful skip hunt to me. They'll be good with my home made ice cream. Those two on the top will have to go in the marmalade pot. They'll be fine after a good wash,
Lidd, I have got Dobbin primed and ready for off and we are going to trail Eddie behind us on a lead rein. You can ride him back them. Two of us on Dobbin might be rather slow going.
I told you that Summat was stuck up a summit! I knew it! She was on the Welsh news that evening making a real spectacle of herself, just like that tart Isobel. She was an optician's daughter and she would make a spectacle of herself after just two glasses.
Anyone for a nice quiet drink in the Camel this evening?

Clementines Add??? That wasn't moi. I brought these strawberries
A quiet drink in the Camel sounds perfect, I love sitting outside on a barmy balmy summer's eve.
How will we cope with Lidd in Doo Dah land Add??
May.

Nice 'ere innit May as Lidd would say. Strange that she is so very excited about coming back here and leaving her new husband already but we all knew that it wouldn't last. What else can you expect fron that Harry Parry eh May? Behind closed doors eh........... (I expect that we'll get Lidd to talk with some gentle persuasion. )

A lovely warm evening. Just right for sipping coctails, or quart tankards of Old Peculiar in our case.

Another glass Old Bean?


Gosh, was that your guts rumbling m'dear? It was very loud and rather indelicate of you, you know.

There you go again.........o dear..........no you don't. Thunder! Let's get inside quick!

I say old flower..............that's a bit wet.
Never mind, lesh hav annuver Old Perculiaar. I feel a bit peckuliaar Add. Add why have you got 3 heads Add??????
Sings wildly Roll out the barrel, we'll have a barrel of fun..............

Roll out the terrapin. let's 'ave a turtle of fun......

I say May. This Old peculeleliar ish going down rather nicely. Just one more glash I think before we amble homewards. Why didn't we bring Eddie and the cart down? Ah well.

Roll out the Liddy.......... Hic hic hic. Oops, I fell

Tell you what, May. Let's go down to Horsefaced Loach lane and sing loudly to bug that old crow.. If she has been daft enough to leave her washing out in the rain we could steal it and make a scarecrow for the arts festival next week.

OH yesh......let's.
Addy and May sneak up the garden path very quietly, knocking over plant pots and generally making a h*ll of a racket.
Add, do you think anyone heard us??

No, I would say that we got away with it rather nicely, May. Where are we by the way? I remember getting some things off a washing line and starting to make a scarecrow by stuffing lots of pairs of knickers into a shirt and a pair of old jeans and then it goes a bit blank. Did we actually finish our scarecrow May, and what did we do with it?

Perhaps the Arts Festival exhibition have it on display already?

Fancy a fry up?

Yooeeee gels! I'm right excited I reelly reelly am right excited...

Wot on earf 'ave ya's got on May? ya looks like a scarecrow darlin'..


Eeeee I'm right excited....

O look! There it is May. We did a good job eh?
Sad isn't it just how pleased Liddy is to be leaving Harry Parry. It is no time since the wedding. I wonder what he did wrong this time.
Do you think that she has designs on that Fred again. I don't trust him at all. His eyes are too close together.
Another fry up?

THe full works please Add.
Yes, I reckon she likes that Fred the lesser
May.

Yes, but would Fred's wife object if he ran away with Lidd and she left Harry Parry? Perhaps Mrs Fred and Harry might get on well together and leave the bra star crossed livers lovers to it eh May?
It's all too much for me. I'm off to see old Dobbin and if it isn't raining we might even go for a midnight ride to the skips.

No use! It's raining! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Addy Nuff Now's ad enough now!

Utterly off topic, but I love that smiley!

Look at that May!!!! Harry is chatting you up now. Shameful and disgraceful behaviour I call it. Lidd only just planning to go away and he's back to his old ways. Kick him with your red shoes May, Old Bean. Send him off to chat up Fred the Lesser's wife and then Fred will sort him out.
Now how about a nice cup of something soothing and a mushroom butty? I found some lovely big mushrooms growing in the corner of Dobbin's stable this morning. Hardly any maggots in them at all. I'll get the bakestone going.
By the way, have you seen the arts section of this month's Cambria magazine? Our scarecrow is there with a wonderful write up. They didn't mention us though. They have attributed it to some twit called Joyce Warren would you believe? They recognised her style apparently.
Oh look at this big maggot May. Would you like him with some extra butter?

Addy, if you mention maggots once more I shall be sick, and I can you know.
I like mushrooms in a bap though, preferably with some griddled old fashioned bacon
Let's have a ride along the beach to the pub at the far end, and sit outside for lunch now it's stopped raining
May.




Glad you like it Harry Parry Clarri.

OK, no more talk of maggots then May.

(Sneaks a big fat one into the bap hidden under some bacon!)

When you've finished that we'll get Eddie and Dobbin tacked up and go. The pub does a good dish of pasta and roast veg. We'll take nosebags for the boys.

The water sports fellows will be out today with those kite things that they use with their skate boards. You'll enjoy that!!

Let's go! Walk on boys.

I don't want a nosebag

Oh I say Adeline. That poor young chap has fallen orf his kite thingy. OH dear, he has a groin injury. Do you think he will want any massage to make him better Add


Add..how are you going to keep the nose bags on the boys?? Clarri doesn't like it

May, do stop that! You'll get yourself arrested again.
Actually you both seem to be getting on rather well together so perhaps I'll just finish off my meal, bung yours in the nosebags and head back home.

Ignore what Harry Parry said about not wanting a nosebag. He does really.

Addy bungs a large nosebag on Harry's head.

Oops, Sorry HP. I thought that you were my old Dobbin. It must have been the long face!

Walk on boys. Back to base camp.




Several hours later...........Still no sign of Great May. She's gorn orff again. Up to absolutely no good at all I'll be bound. Lucky thing!

Post card from Great May

Hello Addy dearest,
Have popped down to Cornwall with my new friend......Bruce. He's from Aussieland, but has come over here for the summer to surf and whatnot.
We are doing the surfing competitions in Cornwall for the next couple of weeks.
Will send a postcard or two when I have time.
Best Wishes
Great Aunt May.

Surfing eh May? We called it scrabble in my young days.

Have a good time Old Thing and keep a look out for Winford. He was down that way a few weeks ago.

I wasn't stuck up a summit, I was watching a reinactment of the legend of how the Red Welsh Dragon sent the White Dragon of Wales packing. One of the brave souls flew over to the Gwynant valley and was duly sent packing. Unfortunately two baby Welsh dragons who were spectating to a shining to my great grandsons, so Gareth Geraint and Iwan Ydris have come to reside in Cambridgshire. They miss the hills, but love the attention they get.

I also came to realise that I was not a number and picked up a very nice butter dish at the seconds shop in Portmerion.

Well done that number!

Too wet to go off to the skips this evening so I'm just off to The Close to steal a few of the prize marrows and some sprouts for tomorrow's breakfast.

Panad anyone?

Postcard from May

Hello Addy and Gang,
Saw Winford this afternoon (was asleep all morning after being up all night with a virus ).
Winford wanted to say Hello to Barri Clarri and say if he needed a lift anywhere, he is available
Learned a new game called sand dune rolling. Very sandy Add
Orf for a cream tea.
May.

[... drags piano across Addy's attic floor...]


dee dee dah doh doh dee dah dum duu duu dum dee deeee du-dum <<< Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, Ode to Joy


Lavvy

Flippin' noisey bats in the attic today. They've been bashing and hammering away all night! What a row! And that Liddy was up and about too playing a piano somewhere too. Time she went back to Harry Parry if that's how she's going to behave.
Great May seems to have struck lucky with Bruce and his boomerang yet again. Will she actually be able to keep her man this time? Probably not. Perhaps if she would stop playing jazz on that double bass of hers at four in the morning to them it might help.
Panad anyone? Maggoty mushrooms anyone?

*runs*

Postcard from Great Aunt May

Hello Girls

Had a great time sand dune rolling yesterday Lidd................trouble is it gets in your knickers
Having a whale of a time learning to surf, and have bought some new clothes from the Weird Fish shop
Going for a cream tea now.
Winford is coming around the coast to Kent Clarri
May.

*runs faster*

Dear Addy.

Gareth and Iwan appear to have made friends with a Chinese Dragon and assorted Dinosaurs together with some long green sweedish Dragons from IKEA land and our own resident dragon Joan.

They miss the Gwynant Valley but seem to be settled Burwell,
Summat Else.

I'm popping over on the flying carpet to retrieve my ruby silppers.

When I get there a Panad Du would go down rather well.

Flippin' 'eck Add..Summat's on 'er way over

Get them 'orses saddled so's we can make a quick run for it...only yours won't be so quick after that cheesecake what you ate this afternoon. Still, we's can go at a slow trot or summink eh? Grab them slippers an' all then we can frow 'em in the skip when we go's by. I'll bring the matches then we can burn 'em once an' for all.

That's a good plan innit?

It's a brilliant plan Lidd.

Trot on Eddie. Trot on Dobbin.

Here we are at the skips. You throw those old manky shoes in and I'll set them alight. There they go!! That'll be the last that we see of them. That Summat Else really thinks that she can fly. It's very sad but she shouldn't be eating those mushrooms at her time of life. She has so few brain cells left; she can't afford to lose any more by smoking and eating things that she shouldn't. Tut tut Summat Dear!

We'll try to get that old mat of hers later too. Let's go back and make her a panad.


Hello Summat Old Bean. Good trip Dear? Have a nice panad. I've left the milk out just as you like it. Actually I left the tea out too because we ran out.

(I've slipped several of Herpert the band leader's sleeping tabs into it, just to add a bit of flavour! )

Drink up Summat.

"Build a bonfire, build a bloomin' great bonfire!"

Whooo!!!! Look at them shoes burn Add! Got anyfing else ta stick on it 'ave ya duck? What abaht that old mat fing over there? That'll keep it goin' for a while eh? Weeehhheeeeee!! Look at it go!!!

Watch aht ya nearly singed that 'air in ya chin! You's reelly need ta find ya tweezer fings dear...

Don't look so stunned Summat dear...'ere's ya panad doo dah what ya wanted swee'eart.

'Ere Add...she's snorin' 'er 'ead orf! Where's that brahn paper we got from the skip taday? The bit what says "Handle Wiv Care. Diplomatic Old Bag. Send to Russia Wiv Luv from Addy and Lidd"

Only one roll of brahn tape??? We needs free at least. That's it...make sure it's nice an' tight! Goodoh duck..we's can post it dahn ya village tomorrer. I'll take it cos I knows ya don't like the woman what's in there an' ya wrote nasty fings on 'er ceilin' in ya yoof! Reelly, Add ya should be ashamed I said ya should be ashamed! Mind you, she is a bit odd eh?

Kettle's on...

We don't need to wait until tomorrow Lidd. She's out for the count. In fact she's out for a fair bit more than that, and we've packed her up well. Let's put her into the back of Eddie's cart and take her down there now.



"Er, Bore Da Madam! We want to send this packet today by special delivery. It doesn't need stamps because it is OHMS and the Queen has already paid for it.


There Lidd. Job done!





Several days later........

Hey Lidd. Come in here and listen to this.



It is possible that a member of the Russian Royal family has been found. A spokesman from Moscow said today that a very old woman had walked into a police station talking in a strange dialect. She had been recognised as bearing a strong resemblance to the youngest of the Tsar’s children, all of whom were believed to have been shot at the time of the revolution. The bones of these children were discovered and DNA tested recently but it is widely believed that this lady may be Elsina, a daughter of Tsar Nicholas and one of his palace cleaners. The family never spoke of this child but the Tsar brought her into the palace to live with his other children. The lady told officials that she was called Elsie but dental records show that she has silver fillings and a jaw shape resembling those of her older half-siblings. She will be taken to a place of safety until it decided on what to do with her.

'allo?

Ooh stroof Add! Old Summats gorn an' got 'erself shut up in that Looby Anka place where the mad Russians go. Is she really a Russian then Add eh Add is she Add? Mebbe they'll put 'er face on one of them Fabber Jay egg fings. Is she famous then Add is she..or is she just orf 'er 'ead?

I fancy an egg wiv some soldiers Add. You put the egg in an' I'll go dahn the barracks for the soldiers. Hehehe!!! May'll be 'oppin' mad when we tell 'er we've bin wiv the soldiers!

Wonder what she's doin' wiv Bruces boomerang. Mind boggles eh?

'Ello 'Umber dear...fancy a cuppa do ya? Kettle's on.

I think hat we have frightened Humber away by offering her a panad. No one will want to take tea with us ever again after drugging Summat and posting her off to Russia. That was just a bit evil and nasty of you Lidd, if you don't mind me saying so. You do get some very bad ideas sometimes.
Tea cake and a pint of nettle rum Dear?

Oh my head Lidd! That nettle rum was a mite strong for a bedtime tipple. Remind me to only have it for breakfast next time.
Let's put the radio on to see if there is any more news of Summat. Fancy her being connected with those Russian Royals eh Lidd.


This is the news. Blah blah blah.........and an elderly woman had to be rescued off the Cornish coast earlier today when she was seen running into the sea shouting for someone my the name of Winford. An air-sea rescue was launched but there was no sigh of a second person in difficulties. The lady, Mrs Maybeline Pole, retired stripper, said "I wasn't in difficulties, you great fools......I was looking for a whale." She was taken to Truro Psychiatric unit for tests but was later released. When last seen she was heading to the beach again. It is believed that she leapt into the water and was eaten by a large whale but this has not been confirmed.

Not much in the news today then Lidd. No news of Summat yet.

Nah..pretty usual stuff eh Add? Fancy our May bein' swallered by a whale. I never noo she was a stripper Add. Stroof...if we saw 'er in the nuddy nah we'd never eat again.. Still, would be good fer our waistlines eh? If she ever comes back, we'll get 'er to strip orf at the Camel.

What we up to taday then Add? If ya's get on ya's bike, I'll run along be'ind while ya dog smiles at me outta the trailer type fingy whatsit. Then when I is knackered, we'll frow the dog aht an' you's can put me in the trailer instead. Sahnds like a plan innit?

I told ya to go easy on that nettle stuff didn't I eh? Ya wouldn't listen though. Ya started ya singin' and larkin' abaht. Wouldn't mind but you's only 'ad one sip! Can't ya 'old ya drink then Add? Still, ya warblin' diddun wake the neighbours so's they musta got their ear plugs in or summink eh? Or was it them I saw in the removals van yesterdy?

Wonder 'ow Summats gettin' on in Russia. D'ya fink she can talk the lingo yet? I wonder what is Russian for "I am a lady singer what comes from England and I needs ta get back ta see me pals what is called Liddy and Addy an' I needs ta get back right nah!" Any idea 'ave ya Add seein' as you is reelly reelly clever?

I'll stick the kettle on while ya's fink abaht it.

LOOK lidd. That's her on Sky News.


Я певица Englih. Мне нужно получить назад к тем 2 horrid старухам, Addy и Liddy, котор нужно убить их.


She is very fluent Lidd. What a shame that there is no translation on the screen. I expect that she is saying how nice we are and how much she enjoyed our little joke.


Panad and a pickled egg?

Gawd I've got singed slippers and I've woken up in a place called "The Church of Spilt Blood" in St Petersburg.

Don't Addy and Liddy know that they've proved that all the Romanovs were killed together and that Anastasia cannot be Summat Else! Oh well. I might as well do some sight seeing whilst I'm here. Lets see if them slippers work.

<Click Click> The Matisse Room in the Hermitage please.

Well that worked. They say it takes 10 days to do this place justice. I wonder how long I can stay hidden in it before the museum guides find me. At least the slippers will allow me to slip out for Blinis with smoked salmon and Caviar. The girls didn't realise I had my pockets stuffed with hard currency, and a little hard currency goes a long way around here.

Maybe I should send them a postcard.