A panad would be lovely Add, and you can tell me just what has been going on. Where are my shoes and clothes and furniture dear?? Why are the police after you and Lidd??
Carrot cake??
May.

Have a large panad may and a very large parsnip whiskey chaser. (that may help a little.)

The police told us that you were dead after they thought that you had been eaten by a whale and we got a death certificate and did everything properly; well, almost!
Lidd and I assumed that you would have left us all of your worldly goods so we sort of ...er....sold some of them on eBay. We did rather well too. You'll be pleased to share it with us I'm sure. We did all of the hard work after all. Those red glass earrings and gold plated ring went for three hundred pounds and that old vase in your hall made over £20. Good eh? The old books went as a job lot, we didn't get much for them, and your clothes went to a lovely lady from Clackton who is a club singer. She gave us £450 for the lot! You can buy lots of new stuff with that lot. The funny desk thing did best. That made £26,000. Not bad money fro something so old eh May?

Your red shoes did the best though. Why do they call the shoe section "feetish" and not just shoes I wonder. Still, sole old fellow in a big coat called for those and seemed very excited with his buy.
So all in all May we've done rather well for your old rubbish.

I am not sure why the police were after us but once I explained it all to them they seemed quite happy. They said that they would leave it to Mrs Pole to decide whether to take action or not. We told her that you were fullof action and they went off laughing. Don't know why. Lidd kept their dog because it took a fancy to her and they said that it wasn't much good at police work, being just too friendly.

More parsnip whiskey May?

A very large one Add.
Firstly, I am not Miss M Pole, but Miss Maybelline Ponsonby Smythe............ so the police are concerned that it was fraud on your part.
The red "glass" earrings were Russian Royal family heirlooms from my side of the family and worth £500,000 . The vase in the hall was Ming and worth £100,000. The funny little desk thing was laquered Chinese and worth £1,000,000.
Now you'd better get them back Addy Nuff, or you'll be in Anglesea Jail pronto.
What's even worse is you've let some old weirdo have my Jimmy Choos. Is there no limit ???
May in a very bad mood.

OOPS! Where are when I need You Lidd? Shall I just plead insanity now?

I can tryto get some of your things back May but the buyers might not want to part with them. You can get some very good chinese desks and things in flat packs now. I'm not sure where we can find you a new Ming though. I'll ask next time I am in Oxfam.

Yet more parsnip whisky May?


LIDDY.... HELP!

Hello girls! Has anyone missed me, or even noticed that I've been away? What's been happening?... Still misbehaving in true style?

Struth Greenie, what a mess Lidd and I are in. Mostly Lidd as it was all her idea, as usual of course. We thought that May had been ate by a big whale that wasn't Winford and had a funeral and everything. Then we raided sorted hor house for her and sold a few things on eBay. She's come back and isn't too pleased but she is almost blind drunk on some old parsnip whiskey that an Irish traveller gave to me and seems a bit less cross now.

How is the haggis harvest this year?

Flop the haggissessia. Hic. Where are my Jimmy Choooooooooooooze? Hic
May.

Are you under the affluence of incahol by any chance May, ?

Who.........meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? Never.
May. Hic.

You gave them away, May. Can't you remember old thing? You gave lots of your other rubbish antiques away too and ran off into the sea, a bit like that Reginald Perrin fellow. He pretended to be dead and gone too. Perhaps you should give up the drink May? It really is starting to affect you quite badly. Here, have a tomato juice.

It's a sad thing when the memory goes! By the way, what are Jimmy shoes? Are they those plastic flip floppy things that the kids wear on the beach?

I most certainly did not give them away you old bag
Jimmy Choos are beautiful shoes, NOT flip flops you country bumpkin.



I suppose you'd put them on the mantlepiece to look at them Add??
May.

Heavens May, you'd be in trouble if you fell off those Jimmy shoes. Stick to croc shoes; they're far safer and there are usually a couple of pairs in the charity shop. If you scrub them up a bit with Dobbin's body brush in the old sink by the back door they'll be good as new and so much safer.
Are you sure that you don't recall giving them away? (Worth one last try at conning May.)
Perhaps we did put them on eBay after all, but it was for the best May. You were dead and your place needed sorting.
Now that you aren't dead you can buy some nice new ones if you like. They may still have some left in the Shoes R Us place.

Panad and lots more parsnip whiskey May? I might put you in a better mood.

Stroof would ya take a look at them shoes Add! I fink May is too top 'eavy ta wear them anyways..she'll fall over as soon as she tries ta walk in 'em..

*'Ere...put 'em on May...let's see ya fall over!! Hehehe!*

Don't be wicked Add...that ain't nice dear. Anyways, what kind of trouble 'ave ya got us into now May was dead but now she ain't? Are ya gonna get 'er stuff back off ebay or what? Shame she ain't dead innit? I was 'avin' fun sellin' er rubbish highly tasteful items an' 'avin' a chat wiv Lavvy in the great beyond...

What we gonna do nah then ta pass the evenin' away? Nights are drawin' in eh? S'ppose I'll 'ave ta get me knittin' aht agen an' get some drawers on the go. D'ya want me ta knit you's a pair of drawers then Add? Let me know soon 'cos it'll take me a while ta knit yours seein' as you's a bit on the wide side dear.

I'll 'ave a panad if you please ducky. Ta swee'eart.

I think that May wil forgive us soon enough seeing as she doesn't have any other friends.
Those shoes were horrors though. The man who bought them was so pleased too. Perhaps he was a drag queen with huge feet like Great May with her great flippers.
I have thought about what to do in the evenings Lidd. I am going to knit lots of hens and put explosive charges inside them and then dot them all over the field. The real hens won't look at them but the next door doggies will. Good plan eh?

That's a fine plan Add! The best you ever 'ad Add!

'Ere Add...I fink I've upset me boy Fred some'ow...'e ain't bin rahnd ta rub the cream in me back Typical innit? I'll 'ave ta look on the Weld Wide Webby type fingy whatsit where I can find meself someone what is desperate lookin' fer a fine spessymin of an' old lady such as meself. Wanna take a look an' all Add? Be a laff eh?

Well, we've still got May's computer thing so I suppose we could. Shall we lie about our ages and put OTAH at the end?

OTAH? What's that then dear?

OHAT? It's Own Hair and Teeth! Pity that you can't put that on yours!

Bloomin' cheek..you's can go an' put OLDBAG on yours

GSH is all ya need duck..an' judgin' by the looks of some of these fellas we is gonna need it Add I say we is gonna need it gel...

Stroof..is that picture upside dahn or what?

im sad 'gels...
im leaving t'day at 2220, 1720 ere.
Had to say bye to two of my Cousinish's today (friends who may aswell be family)

I'm sad an' all gels..Gert's on 'er way back Bring us back a man each Gert there's a love. Ta ducky. 'Ope ya trip back ain't too good bad swee'eart.

Kettle's on..

O good! I have got to like the tast of beetroot and custard quite a lot. Those flattened henchiladas were pretty good too. Just the thing to do with a hen that the postman has run over. Tasty! I suppose they are vegetarian too as the hen has been flattened?
Panad anyone?

YOu are forgiven girls. I've got my things back, after the policeman explained to the people on Heeboy what you'd done. So I've got the things back, and now they will be popping around to you for the money. Easily sorted eh??
Now then, to more important matters......................there;s a woman called Carolpianna who is after Bigmac in his cycling shorts I saw him first and everyone else can get in the queue. Remember me saying that Add, a year ago in Scotland when we went haggai hunting whisky drinking.
What a blooming cheek
I say old beam any chance of a small parsnip whisky dear
Why are you two on the internet??


May.

It's a good pic of us isn't it May! Lidd is the one with the stick by the way. I am the beautiful one. We are in the internet on a site called Find-a-Feller. We have had several replies so far and some are quite promising although Lidd did get one asking if she was a. very wealthy and b. Very old and unheathly. The writer was twenty-six so she chose to ignore that one as he was a bit young.

That Carrolpianner had better watch herself if you are on the war-path May, that's all that I can say; and if there's any chance of a scrap let us know and we'll be there to film it. (That'll make us a packet if we get copies done Lidd. We'll get that eBay money back yet. )

This parsnip whisky is actually whiskEy, May. It was made by an Irish traveller and that was how he spelt it. Have the rest of the bottle dear, and a long straw.

Parsnip whatever Add. Do I look bothered??
I spotted those legs in cycling shorts first Add, and there will be a showdown with Carolinajoanna if necessary. May whispers I don't mind telling you Add, I fight mean
Where's Lydia then. I've put the kettle on. A wee dram in your tea Add???
Have you found a feller then Add. I find them all the time, I just can't keep them
May.

I have found a few that I like the look of. I am going to spend a day with each one and mark them out of 50. Highest scorer wins the thrill of taking me on a holiday.
Lidd was here earlier having a panad but all that talk of eBayers wanting their money back frightened her off.

You might have added the full quote and included "on a holiday" you rude fellow. That puts your score for charm right down mate!

What are ya doin' wiv Fred, Add?

What are ya doin' wiv Add, Fred?

Fine friends you are I say fine friends you are an' all right enuff.

I'm certainly not keeping him on my list. He scored 3 out of 10 for looks, 2 out of 10 for being wealthy, 1 out of 10 for dress sense and style and a miserable 1/2 out of 10 for general impression. I did not get as far as marking the final section!!!! (And he has a secret hidden away wife too so that's him right out!)

Sorry Fred but you just aren't what I am looking for old bean.

Oh well - and I drove all the way down the A55 as well only to be ridiculed !
Still variety is the spice of life

Yes, Add, but is he in full working order That gets quite a few points in my book.
I also give quite a few points if they are breathing
If she doesn't want you F the lesser then you can drive down the M5 instead
Sorry Lidd.
May.

Ooh now that might be an offer I can't refuse !

Oh Fred, you've got me going all unnecessary Be still my beating heart, but not too still.



More champers Fred??
May.

May old thing, he's all yours! Well, partly yours at least. You can have the bits that Mrs. Fred the Lesser doesn't like.

Sorry about the wasted trip Fred, but it the clinical trial was great fun.

Panad and a nice, calming egg butty anyone?

Is he married Add?? Oh no. Heavens above. You stay right where you are Fredless.
Good job you warned me Add.
Panad please, but no butty, I've just had some soup.
May.

Postcard from Somerset:


Maybeline Dearest, I kept telling them you were not dead. They even tried to get rid of me by pretending I was a long-loat Romanov, then burning the ruby slippers. But they burnt the wrong shoes, your Jimmy-choes I'm afraid, and I got back after a few mishaps. Anyway my Grand-daughter and her family have whisked me away to recover for a couple of weeks. I'd take care of the tea if I were you.

I've been listening to an audio book by a nice Mr Pratchett, and as my alter ego is an agony aunt, am thinking of re-stocking my handbag and going on a training course next week. I do hope they haven't made too much of a mess of your place.

Elsie

I'm goin' over that A55 agen next week...watch aht Add..I got me stick wiv me



You is welcome Maybeline Pole...I know when I is not wanted...


Dear alto eagle of Summats what is an agony aunt,

Me supposed pals 'ave tried ta take Fred orf me. An' Fred seems quite pleased wiv the idea. I am in agony, agony aunt. What's a old lady gel ta do when 'er pals 'ave let 'er dahn an' 'er fella don't love 'er no more? I's gonna see me "pal" Addy next week an' I's gonna 'it 'er over the 'ead wiv me stick. Is that a good idea or what? Gis an' answer soon duck.

Ta everso,
Ms Lydia Coal-Bunker.

For heavens sake Liddy, we don't want your Fredless Wonder He's a married man, and if you've met his wife, she'll tell you all his annoying little habits, so you won't want him either.
I hope Elsie doesn't get lost down Wookey Hole...............maybe she'll find my red shoes
Tea anyone?
May.

Tea would be good Great May, but I'd like mine in a jamjar please. They you wark your hands at the same time as getting a very large drink.

I was talking to Fredless's wife the other day and she told me some tales that I shouldn't repeat, but I will of course.
She says that he picks his nose over supper, drinks his tea from the saucer, takes his false teeth out and puts them to rest on his napkin when they eat out and snores dreadfully. She said that any of you lot are welcome to borrow him but that she'll be round to duff you up good and proper! It doesn't sound very proper to me though, not any of it.

Fancy Summat being an angry alto eh girls.

Its all lies!! I have no false teeth, and its Mrs. who snores , not me. I do make some other noises in bed though. And I dont drink tea from a saucer, only through a straw. No comment on nose-picking though.

Bet he picks his nose at the traffic lights Add. Most business men do
An angry alto eh?? I thought she was a sopraaaaaaaaaano. You never can tell with these opera types Add. Do you think she has tattoos and piercings too?
Great Aunt May.

I hear that Summat has the famous for and hounds tatoo but I don't know for sure. As to piercings, she does have a lot of strange looking items in her jewell box that aren't for the ears unless one is a Dumbo look alike so a strong perhaps is the answer there.

And yes, Fred does pick his nose quite a lot, probably left his set of teeth behind in some resturant or other and sings very loudly in bed, so Mrs Fred said. She said that she has to wear ear plugs to get any sleep. Otherwise it was like the old joke between them. He would say "Do you want to go to sleep or what?" and she used to ask "What"?

Funny old life eh May.!

That was funny Add.
Poor Mrs Fred, I'm quite getting to like the old dear.
Of course Add, being deaf, I don't hear any snoring at all. Once my appliances are out of my little lug holes, then I am oblivious to the world. I've even slept through my own burgler alarm going orf.
Quite handy if you are next to a pneumatic drill of a man
Great Aunt May.

Really May? I'm impressed! Put him on the the Find-a-Feller site asap and point him in my direction. OhI see, May. You meant the noise!! In that case don't bother Old bean.

Ome thing is bugging me May. Just why do you have your own burgler alarm? Are you worried that someone will steal you in your sleep and that you won't know about it until you wake up and find yourself gone?


Panad and a hedgerow butty?

Panad and a butty would be nice. Thanks.
Always had a burgler alarm, helps me guard the Ming and the Jimmy Choos, except when your friends steal them
So have you finished with Fredless? Is it all over for the A55??
Will Lidd whack you when she comes to Anglesey dear??
May.

Yooee gels..I's bin ta sleep agen..me tablets are a flippin' noosance.. An' me 'ead is still spinnin' like a top

What's bin goin' on then? I see you is well ackwainted wiv Mrs Fred then Add. Poor lady...I reckon I 'ad a lucky escape there eh?

May dear, lend us one of ya fellas will ya duck? I don't want any old fella mind. 'E needs soft 'ands ta rub me cream in me back. An' they's gotta be warm 'ands an' all.

I don't fink I'll be givin' Add a wallop next week. She ain't so bad reelly. Besides, she'll make me sleep in the stable agen...an' Eddie don't 'alf make a pongy smell every five minnits..

I'll 'ave a panad if you's please dear. ta swee'eart.

She well might, May. She has a very violet temper. (the sort that makes her turn purple!!) If she does I'll set my goldfish onto her. He'll sort her out and no mistake. Alas poor Fredless, I just had to send him back up the A55 and home again. With a score as low as that what else could I do?

And we didn't steal your stuff May; we just claimed what we thought would be rightfully ours had you really died. You are going to leave your things to Lidd and me, as your only best friends aren't you? We just had them a little too early, that's all.

Want to try some pickled parrot in your butty? Old Mr Jones, the butcher's parrot died when it fell into the jar of pickled eggs on the counter so he gave it to me when I called for a bone for the dog. Do I have a dog, May? I can't remember!


To Great May: She tends to butt in on conversations too.

I ain't takin' no notice of ya Add...bm bm bm bm bm bm..I's doin' me singin' exercises so's I can serrynade ya next week. Be nice for ya won't it dear? Lookin' forward ta seein' ya Big Roland an' all!!

'Ere Add...I could murder a chip butty gel...

Evenin ladies, this time from belgium!