Yoooeeee good lookin' fella what is dressed in a suit!! I'm all yours duck!

sorry ole bag, your not my type
[...not gert. but her grandson HC...]

Why are you telling him to duck? Are you going to throw something at him?

Oooh Harry...you do look everso luvverly in your suit darlin'..

Obviously you like an orange jacket together with green trousers and a purple shirt then

Mmmm...luvverly! (If not a little odd!)

Are yous colourblind Harry dear?

He probably is, Liddy. Have you heard his latest song? It goes something like this:

Roses are green, violets are brown,
the sky is bright orange and so is the ground.


Quite bad really!

Dear me Add!!! Even I wouldn't write nuffing as bad as that!

Are you's 'avin' a party at ya friend Petras 'ouse next week? I 'ear everyone is away! We can go an' smash the door in..or whatever it is when ya turn up uninvited like Be a laff won't it? Mebbe she'll invite 'er noo fella so's 'e can play 'is organ We ain't bin to a party fer ages an' ages an' ages 'ave we Add? Come on Add..let's 'ave a party gel

Kettle's on..

If that Petra's lot are all away they'll have set the burgular alarms and set those dogs too. No chance of partying there. We could have one at Addy Towers though. We haven't had a good party for several hours now.

Party, did someone mention a party? There will be men and drink there
Oh dear, my head..............
Alka seltza please
MAy.

*rummages in bottom of handbag*

Here you are May.... Never travel without them.
..........NO!.... Don't just drop them in your Guinness!

Guiness, Alka Seltza and a greasy bacon sandwich are the perfect antidote for a hangover , don'tcha know??
May.

oh my god i want a bacon sarnie now.
Shall be getting one after work tomorrow no doubt

Here Gert, have this chum butty. If you think pig as you eat it the taste will be much the same.
It's a bit wet to have a barby cue so I have arranged a buffet in my polytunnel instead. Who's for a pint of apple brandy or a swig of blackberry and tea wine then? I've had them bubbling away in my shed for months.

Yes please Add. I'll try anything once
Hic
What's for supper then??
May.

I'll just nip out to the all night Tesco for more Alka Seltzer.
Are you going to need a bowl May? You've gone a funny colour !

Don't worry feather. It's just rouge. May picked up the green eye shadow pot by accident and we didn't want to tell her because we think that it looks quite funny.
Supper is a fondue with a mixture of cheeses and cider and loads of stick bread cubes. To follow we have cider cake and some iced cider sorbet and then some truffles that Lidd made. They look rather pink though so I suspect that Gert has been at them with the beetroot juice.

Did i tell you about the time i won a beetroot growing contest?
Well i shall.
It was the summer of 1841. I was just a young girl, 14. I was outside in the garden when i was approached by a man, his mouth was wide open and he said he liked the look of my melons. Alas, i sold him a pair, as promised by the sign i had out on the path that i was selling my big juicy melons. Anyway, he turned out to be the curator of the NBAM National Beetroot Growers Museum. When they painted the sign they made an error, and so its the NBAM. Anyway, he said he like the look of my beet, and he said it was the largest, greyest one hed ever seen (color wasnt invented then, so he didnt call it what is now known as 'pink') Anyway, i won the contest, and here i am now growing my prize Granny Gert Beetroots.

Anyway, i do have some beetroot souffle behind the radiator, tell me when your ready. The cream i put with it seems to have soured. Oh well, just adds interest i guess!

LIDD!!! yer not meant to stick yer 'and in the fondue to fish out the bread when it falls off the stick......
I'll stick to the sorbet... I forgot to put me bottom set in.

Actually Feather, you didn't! I found them in the fondue pot this morning when I went to tip the rest of the cheese goo out for the hens. Here it is. One of the cockerels had a bit of a peck at it but it looks ok to me.
Panad anyone?

Yes please.
Just drop me teeth in the mug for a soak.

Oooh Feaver..you is right uncoof darlin' I say you is right uncoof an' no mistake! Get ya teef aht me bestest mug 'Ere Add..give Feaver's teef ta the dog..it'll make 'is smile even more luvverly!

I'll 'ave a panad ta everso ducky. Then I needs ta get ready 'cos I'm orf ta Lundun tanite ta see that group wiv the big bellies an' the pox! I dunno what ta wear... What d'ya reckon then Add?

You'll need a wet suit like the divers wear Lidd, and a pinny and a nice hat of course. Don't bother to do your hair because it will be so waterlogged by the time that you arrive that no one will see a difference. Taks some really noisey sweets too. Wrapped toffees are best and a carton of soup to slurp in the interval or anywhere else if you get bored. Don't forget to change the batteries in your hearing aids too so that they will whistle nicely.
Have fun.

News report

An elderly lady by the name of Lydia, was arrested at the theatre for eating toffees in a noisy manner. She was also throwing the wrappers at the orchestra.
In defence, she said they were flat and needed a "good seeing to".

i thought id give you a pic of my beetroot lab, with my outfit on.

but apparently you cant develop film made of beetroot.

Gert, you really are stupid with all of this beetroot stuff and that's all about it. Beetroot lab indeed! We all know that beetroots grow in the gardens at the back of the supermarket in glass jars and that they get watered with vinegar every day. Tut tut Gert you old duffer.
Lidd, did you get yourself an ASDA for behaving so badly?
Panad anyone?

'Ere May! I's 'ome agen! Bloomin' racket what that crahd made on Satdy! Call 'emselves moosishans??? Me an' you an' Add coulda made a better din!

Weren't my fault me toffees stuck ta me plate was it? Some hoity toity old gel next ta me kept shushin' me an' tellin' me ta be quiet. She was makin' more row than I was. I put me top set on 'er lap as a joke!! Hehe! Should of sin 'er face. I fought she was gonna 'ave a seizure or summink.

Ah well...I enjoyed meself anyways.

Oooh..where's that foter of Gert gorn then?

Yoooeee Add! I got meself a fing called a bail so I fink they want me ta go an' play cricket wiv the police fellas! I'll rub the ball up an' dahn their legs for 'em! Hehehe!

I'll 'ave a panad ta everso ducky.

that ole gel next to ya was me!
You were at em toffees like raccoons in the trash cans!

yes the orchestra was indeed flat dear, would you rather they were on a hill?!




then whats are those green lumps from the breadbin ive been putting in my dishes?! i thought that were beetroot!

Those were mouldy bits of bread. If you keep them long enough they turn to dust and are easier to clean out. Usually a quick once over with the hoover is all that you need.
Here Gert, have a pint of sherry before bed. (It will stop her adding any more mouldy things to our food.)

today is gerts first time getting the bus!
:S

The first time on a bus Gert? You haven't lived woman! Don't try to get up on the top deck; your knees will never make it.
Now who wants to come down to the skips for a spot of bargain hunting?

Skips Add?? Skips. Do you remember Skippy Add? He was a favourite friend on the Tv in my youth.
Remind me not to go to Gert's for tea
Lidd, put your teeth back in there's a dear, or you won't be able to chew your beetroot
May.

If yer not using 'em pass 'em over 'ere... mine are givin' me some gip!

Look at this May! It's a pile of old rags vintage clothes. They'll do very nicely indeed for the next season. The vintage look is back don't you know. Dig about a bit May. You might find some more red shoes to add to your collection.
Any sign of Lidd? I am sure that she was here earlier. Perhaps she fell in to the other end. We'll go and look in a minute.
Was Skippy that old sea dog who used to fish off the end of the pier before the fateful day when he fell in and was never seen again? Fancy them making a programme about him May.

Old rags? Here that's me best coat... I just took if off cos I was getting a bit hot rummaging....

No you daft old twerp, Skippy was a kangaroo in Australia. He always saved the day when people got caught in a mine, or trapped in a cave with the tide coming in.................an animal version of the Famous Five all rolled into one kanga. He used to make clicking noises Add.
I like this vintage stuff Add. Look I've found a lovely red velvet smoking jacket and a trilby.
May.

What was very generous of you to donate it to the less fortunate amongst us Feather. What a gem! A coat in swap for a set of old teeth eh? Thanks old thing.

Eddie and Dobbin are an animal version of the famous Five May, except that there are only two of them.

Nice hat May!

Let me have a look.....

Oooooo......... Isn't that Batty's?

Oh. look He's still wearing it.......

I like my hat Add.



Add, why have you got Feather's coat on?? She looks very cross I say Feather, grab another coat form the skip.

She gave it to me in exchange for Liddy's teeth May. Do keep up dear. She is looking quite cross but it is the way those dentures are lying I think. A bit on the narrow side I would say. You need to get busy with the modelling clay, Feather.

Seen Winford lately Add?? Feather seems to thionk she saw Batty Clarri. I think she's been at the sherry again. Wouldn't catch me doing that. oh no indeed.

I haven't seen Winford for a while now May, or that batty fellow Harry Parry for that matter. I expect that it was someone who looked like him.

You and sherry May? Perish the thought. Nowt but best scotch! I've seen you downing bottles of the stuff on a good night.

Panad anyone?

It was definitely him... I'd recognise that jacket anywhere.... look... there's seaweed in the pockets.

Ooooh yes please Addy, I could do with a cuppa. Earl Grey please, semi skimmed milk and no sugar thanks.
I've got some bits and pieces of cake here Add, do you fancy a bit of crumpet Add??

Who left me here????

See, I told yer........

Pass us a crumpet....

Like a bit of crumpet do you Feather??
What are you doing here Larry??

No idea! *fishes seaweed out of pockets*

Always ready for crumpet May.
What is Harry P doing here by the way? I bet he's come to steal that clarinet of Petrat's. Let's go and warn her.

Just give him a Panad and a crumpet and shove him back....