Those two are having a right old time in thet hamster jam hotel place. We're well out of it Liddy, even if they are making lots of money. Still no sign of that brother though! I am a mite concerned as to what they have done with him.
The mud is so bad out in the fields at the moment that I have brought old Dobbin indoors for the rest of the winter. He wants his pal Neddy to join him so he'll be coming over tomorrow, and so will a couple of the bantams who are feeling the cold. I told them that you might knit them some woolies Liddy. That'll keep your old fingers in trim for all that piano bashing playing that you do.
That reminds me, we haven't been back to the Purple Camel for a while. Fancy a pie and a pint there later?

'Ello darlin'. Good to see ya back on form me old pal. Feelin' be'er are ya sweet? You got ya four legged friends in wiv ya, ay? Good ta see ya care for 'em darlin'. I got me Bert 'ere. Right old beast 'e 'is, but a girl 'as to take wot she can get at our age, innit?
Don't know where Great Mays bruvver 'is. Maybe 'e's in Hamsterjam too, working as a Pump or summink. You 'ear all kindsa fings goin' on don't ya?
Stroof darlin' I gotta lot to do. I ain't got no time fer no knittin' no more. Blimey sweet'eart. That Lavvy wants me to play for 'er and 'er pal on Satday but she ain't sent me no music. I'll 'ave ter make it up as I go along. Then Can'tsinganotemum said summink about the two of us. They talkin' be'ind our backs darlin'. Still, you an' me can 'ave the bananas ourselves ay?
I diddun know yer do was called The Banana Concert darlin'. That saxfan fella told us. Why diddun ya say nuffin' then? D'ya want me ta do a poster for it ? I got some old narnas 'ere- and they ain't all got yella skins.
My Philmas a right narna. I got me outfit fer Satday and 'es gone an' run off in it. Gotta start again now. As if I ain't got enuff to fink of.
OK darlin'. Let's go down the old Camel.

You gettin' 'em in then? Mines a pint of that rummy stuff ya make wiv narnas. Ta lovey.

'Ere Dilly. That was a hoot. Your Dutchman is quite hunky. Has he got a friend??
My bonk account is very healthy, but I'm not accounting for it when we go home. Think I'll hide the readies in some clogs Then hang them on the wall, no one will think of looking there. You see Dilly, my brother has gorn on an extended holiday, and won't be home for around 10 years.
Ohhhhhhh look. It's Han's friend, Hans Van Der Bigwon I'm looking forward to this slap up meal.
See you soon Addy and Liddy.
Love Great Aunt May.

Oh...great Joy! Whoever she is! Fought you woz gonna stay put in Hamsterjam fer the rest of the year. Your bruvver bin banged up in a cell darlin'? Fought it woz only a matter of time 'e'd be doin' time! Time and time agen I fought e'd be doin' time at some time. Is 'e avin' a good time doin' time?
Talkin' of time- whats the time? Time I got the kettle on.

Time ta go
xxx

Right May
I've got some business to attend to today. My new friend Baron von Klapstuk wants me to meet the Count Van Hagenblomenmaasgraag - 'es a diamond merchant. Summink about takin a little parcel back to England for him.....an' there might be summat in it for me. Nice piece a Gouda wouldn't go amiss. Told me to wear some big bloomers

See you at the restaurant later. Don't go eatin' them dutch doughnuts all day long else you'll spoil yourself. Lays 'eavy on my stomach them things.

Tell you what Dilly, do nuts won't be the only thing laying heavy on you, so will the hand cuffs and chains they attach when they arrest you for diamond snuffling It isn't worth it for a piece of cheese, you want a whole lot more than that. Trust me, I'm from a gangsters family, where do you think Hudson has gorn????????
S'pose we could get a boat and come back to a quiet beach and do it, but not on the ferry or the plane, no way, Believe me I've been there and got the knickers
BTW, Hans Van Der Bigone is very generous, and I am so looking forward to New Yorkers, maybe we could go to San Franciscob too, with flowers in our hair??
Great Aunt May.

Ay Liddy, do you think that there is any chance at all of those two being home and dry by Saturday? I very much doubt it. If they do I hope that they bring some very large and very sparkly bits and pieces with them for their old pals. Those Prada mice were nice while they lasted, which wasn't very long really Lidd, but not the real thing. I know that I did well with my lottery itch card win but by the time we'd had our grand tour and I'd set up the pension funds for Dobbin and for myself there wasn't much left at all for fine jewelry and I have always wanted a really big diamond on my paw. Ah well. Some things are not to be.
Shall we have one final run through my solo Lidd? No? Well you may well be right. We cannot improve on perfection after all dear. Those forumites and their friends are going to be so thrilled when they hear us perform. No need for banananananas for us!
I feel rather sorry for that brother of May's though. In jail for ten years for something or other. It's a long time and no mistake. Well, probably there was a mistake and he was caught out because of it, but you know what I mean Lidd.
Let's tell Daft Dilly and Great May that the venue has been moved to the Purcell room or somewhere like that and then they won't bother us!
Are you all set for the trip to the big apple? I wonder why they call it that. I expect we'll just find lots of pips and a big fat maggot when we get there. Did you know that we are to appear on the Ned Sullivan show there? It seems that our reputation has gone ahead of us. Fancy a panad and a welsh cake Lidd? Here, shove old Dobbin out of the way and pull up a chair.

OOOOOOOOOOOOh - me head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Av you seen 't'time??

"My Old Man (hic) said Follow the Van Hagenbloomen".....whatever

I keep 'earin this chinking sound from me nether garments......and sumthin's chafin'. I'll check when and bloomin IF I get back t't 'otel. Which street is it - all these red lights are makin' me dizzy?

Ooh that looks like a nice little room - I wonder if she'd mind sharing? Looks as though she's ready for bed in any case.

(shouts throu't winder) I say, luv. Sproken zee Lancashire - or cockney (depends 'ow much gin I've supped) Can ya find room for one more? Eeee........them's pretty knicks - did ya buy 'em at my party?

Ooooooooh, sorry luvvie, didn't see ya husband there - bit young in't 'e??

Alright, alright, stroppy cow, I'm going!!!!!

Boo hoo, sob sob, I want to go home to me own bed.....I'm lost

Help!! this thread is TOTALLY scary !!!!

To think that some of your actually CHARGE people to teach them an instrument.

Do they know you are all crackers ??????

Quick send for the men with white coats

Addy lives with a man in a white coat deary! Nothing wrong with her. She's as sane as the next musician. It is petrat who charges people for lessons so I would worry about her if I were you. Here, have a glitter mouse. I bet that you haven't actually read the whole novel thread sunshine!

A triumph Dears, an absolute triumph and no mistake. Under your exceptional musical direction we gave a splendid performance in Chester Lidd. Your mastery of the triangle was masterfull! No other word for it Lidd. And what about that Great Aunt Sally on the piano then? Great and no mistake! She could go far if she sticks with us. Your hat went down a bomb too. That Zoda fellow loved it didn't he? Do you think that we should start our own fashion house Lidd? Add and Lidd Designs!
I can still do my top notes as well as ever too. We made the Chester Chronicle and Classic FM. What next Liddy? A prom concert maybe? We'll be able to buy our own limo at this rate dear. Off to bed now. I'll talk again tomorrow. I really need my beauty sleep now. Shove old Dobbin to one side, he's taking all the heat from the fire.

I love this thread!

Are you wonderful people going to Leeds?

I must bring my autograph book!

do i qualify as Old???? I'm already entering my 3rd decade!!

They're talking about going to Singapore as well ....

Singapore??? I've got to get out of Rotter-amster-maas-edam-gouda by the sea "detention centre" first.........thank you very much!!!

Dilly in the Sky with Diamonds!!!! Got caught at Skip Hole Hairpot with Dimonds in me drawers. All them bells and sireens goin' orf and these men wearing uniforms and dutch caps grabs me and starts friskying me round me polders...........that wert good bit............then they carts me orf to this ere Descension Centre I ere I been ever since. Never did get to that restaurant for a good slap and a meal wot this bloomin' COUNT promised me. He only wanted wot I got in me drawers - and them 'ave been confisticated.

And to dutch cap it all, it turns out they were cheap crystal wot you can buy from H. Samuel or B & QVC

If I'm not given hard slave labour in one o' them work 'ouses in Hamsterjam, I'm gettin' on the first plane back to Blackpool Interdemoninational Airport, and tell all me pupils that I'm teachin' again......all this 'as bin too much for old Dilys.

Until then

I'M A CALAMITY - GET ME OUT OF HERE

So sorry to hear about your plight Dilly. We're bound for the big donut aardvark with the male voice choir very soon so we can't help you yet. Do you think that New York is ready for us yet Dilly? It seems to me though that all you need is a good lawyer. If those rocks were nothing more than fakes what is the problem? We met a good lawer in Chester yesterday. If you play the recorder nicely to him he will love you forever and help with your case. Don't sing though Dear. After hearing me he will be spoilt for any other singers for ever. Off to the Purple Camel with my pal Lidd now. We'll send you a postcard from NY. Maybe!

Just a quiet word for the lawer from Chester. Don't help with her case. You don't know what's in it and I do. A big box of Buzzing Badgers. Quick Dilly, let's get out of here, and go back to my cottage, and then decide what to do from there. Woo, I am so sad to be leavin' Hans Van der Bigone , still, some things have to be left behind. In my case they are all behind
Great Aunt May, who wishes so much she was at Chester to hear Addy and Liddy do their stuff. Maybe I could have done, "My Old Man Says Follow The Van", but then Dilly couldn't have dallied could she??

'Ello me darlin's!! Stand by ya beds. Old Liddys back in tahn!! Cor that was a long walk 'ome from Chester! Just got in and am soakin' me feet in a nice 'ot bowl of water. I guess I shoulda taken the washin' up out the bowl first, but wen a gels gotta soak 'er feet, she's gotta soak 'er feet! Ain't that right ladies!

Well, Add, wot a fine old time we 'ad ay darlin'! You and me went dahn a storm diddun we? I could see all the ladies were mighty jellus of our fine attire. Specially me 'at on me 'ead! You looked stunnin' darlin' ya reelly did. A fine night shirt and no mistake. Wot a lotta clever peeple swee'eart! All playin' or singin' summink. Wot about old Lavvy back from beyond the grave (or is she from the back of beyond then?) playin' a toon on 'er Cabby Net fingy. Wot a looker that George fella is an' all!! 'E was singin' a song to Apple Blossom. I fought she was inside? 'As she gone, is she 'ere, there or everywhere? I dunno. It puts me 'ead in a spin to fink about it. Some funny old foters goin' about in't there??

Ooo- ta everso for drivin' me round ya village on Sundy darlin'. Quaint aint it? If I could just say though, you drive fine on the roads but then ya 'ad one of ya turns and decided to drive on the field! What d'ya do that for then, hen? The wheels on the bus went round and round but we woz goin' nowhere! Bloomin' mud flyin' everywhere. And your language darlin'! Not very appropriate for a Sundy mornin' if ya don't mind me sayin' so sweet. 'Ere- I did laff at them sheep though!! He he!! First they runs up the field. Then they runs dahn the field. Then they stands starin' at us like we were daft or summink. Mind you, that little one come over and I fought it woz gonna try and push us out! I s'ppose we should say "fank ewe!!" Wot a laff we 'ad though darlin'. Mind ya, the trek back to ya 'ouse neerly did fer me. I woz 'uffin' and puffin' so's I nearly blew ya 'ouse dahn!

Ah well, back to the reel werld now. S'ppos I better go. Berts goin' on about wantin' a dinner plate out the bowl. I'll fro it at 'im if 'e ain't careful. Oo would ya look at that!! I gotta fork stuck in me big toe! Still, no sense no feelin'. That's wot they say innit?

Take care of yaself Add. See ya in that Leeds place I s'ppose.

Cheerio swee'eart
Liddy xxxxxxxx

Watcha Lidd. Glad you got home safely. Yes, that was rather an amazing performance that we gave in Chester. That Katyjay said that she had never heard anything quite like it in her life so it must have been special! I'll see you well before Leeds though Lidd 'cause we are going to New York very soon with the male voice choir. I am packing my case as we speak. I've lent old Dobbin to the local huntmaster to ride when he takes his doggies out for a walk and the hens are booked into the local cattery. How's your Bert going to manage when you go away Lidd? Are you going to trust him staying in your place again? I suppose that he could babysit your Tiddles. We need some stunning dresses for our next concert. Do you think we should hire a dressmaker or shall we just hit Oxfam again? We got some great dresses for Chester there Liddy. And that hat of yours was stylish beyond belief. Heard anything from Great May or Daft Dilly recently? It's that Hudson fellow that I feel a bit sorry for. The other two can look after themselves but he was too dopey to do much. Off now for a wild dinner with a mystery date. X Addy

Hello Liddy and Addy,
Well we managed to get away from the Dutch, and what's more , we are coming to the USA at the same time as you two Bet you are really pleased Addy
Dilly and I have auditioned for the remake of the musical "Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Farthington", and we'll be doing our music hall style stuff for a week on Broadway. Ohhhhh, the lights, the make-up, the music, the men, the wine............... Wonderful. My fans have had far too long without me
So, Dilly and I are off to Harrods to get some clobber, and we'll be seeing you soon. Come on Dilly, what size shoes are you dear, a 10!!!!!!!! Cor blimey. Don't know if they do those red stilletos in a 10
Great Aunt May.

Liddy, those two old has-beens may have auditioned but have they actually got the parts dear? I suspect not! Some of us have it and some of us don't and it would be a miracle if they were anything near as talented as our good selves. After our triumph in Chester, and my superb solo spot with the male voice choir, not to mention our regular slots at the Purple Camel we are true pros and they really are not. That's all about it Liddy. I will be amazed if they do make it to NY but time will tell.
Harrods ay? No Oxfam shopping for them then. I told you that I didn't believe a word that Great May said about being poor, penniless landed gentry. Still no sign of that brother of hers though!
How is your Bert now Liddy. Surely you could have found yourself a fellow with a better name than Bert Skuttle Liddy? You haven't asked me about my mystery date yet Lidd. Just pretending not to be interested are you?
Will chat again Lidd. Must take old Dobbin out for a burn-up down to the village.

Hey Dilly, isn't it great that we can spend some of our ill-gotten gains in Harrods. Bet Addy is green with jealousy Those red shoes do suit you dear, pity they are so big, I can't borrow them
Now then , I ordered the tickets from 1st class, and we have shampagne during the flight, but don't you go getting tiddled now, we need to be alert in case the plane crashes in the sea and we have to get in one of those life crafts You'll have to take those stilletos off because they'll puncture the ship.
Don't forget to pack all your tablets, but don't take your water tablet on the morning of the flight, you won't be able to make it from the airport to the plane in the air without an accident
I am so proud of you getting the Mrs Farthington role Dilly, and me as your daughter. Life is bliss sometimes. I wonder if those 2 old reprobates will come to see us on Broadway??
Great Aunt May.

Good afternoon May, its Elsie here. I feel like a new woman now I've had that hip done. Sorry I haven't visited for a while, its taken me ages to get back on my feet again.

Gordon Bennet Elsie, you did give me a turn, we thought you'd gone and died
Glad you are back with a new hip. Will you be going back to the Salsa class where you broke it, or now that you have a new one, will it be the BB Sea and that dancing programme. You might find a toyboy there you know
Great Aunt May.

Hello Elsie. Who are you then Dear? You aren't that old has-been ballet dancer that used to pop in for a pint to the Purple Camel are you?

Hells Bells Addy, what are you doing up at 0521hrs, you should be asleep
May.

I had an early night and went to bed at about ten oclock but then realised that I didn't actually need an early night so I was wide awake by five. So I got up and did some work, had a cup of trick tea, (that is milk and hot water. Tea without the tea!) and wrote out some music on the computer. We aged ducks don't need our beauty sleep you know. I couldn't do any singing at that time though as it would have frightened the hens.
Going down to the Purple Camel later any one?

Addy. I'd love to come down the Purple Camel with you. Didn't think you'd want me there, being just a music hall singer Can I really come with you. What do they sing in there?? Is the landlord scrumptious??
Is Liddy coming too? BTW, I would need to stop over, any room at yours or the Pub??
Talking of sleep, I need loads my dear, at least 8 hours per night
Great Aunt May.

Of course you can come to the Purple Camel Great May. They let anyone in! Liddy and I have a regular spot in the limelight there at least once a month and when we are on the audience tends to be a little more highbrow but I expect that you could give them a song or two if you still have any voice left. I know how you music hall singers hammer your chest voices but I suppose you could manage to churn something out! The Landlord is now a landlady since his recent operation and he really isn't scrummy in any way, although he stroke she is quite popular in certain quarters. I don't advise stopping over there. You can share old Dobbin's stable if you like but as he snores a bit I would stay at the Grange. It is a rather exclusive place where you might find yourself some more work if there is a conference on. Some of those reps might enjoy your company.
Liddy has not been around for a few days. I think that she and her old Bert may have eloped but more than likely she is just busy working on our pieces for the New York trip. She is coming as my musical director you know so she is spending several hours each day with her copy of "Teach Yourself Conducting" in one hand and a long twig in the other waving her arm around to recordings of Lily Ponds (Do you remember her May? She was a fair singer in her time but nothing like myself).
That Elsie seems to have vanished again. Back to say hello and then gone again. I bet you upset her! You are so tactless at times, asking her back to the salsa dancing indeed!
I must go now as I have some dusting to do.

Oh no Addy, I didn't mean to upset Elsie It was just that she was so good at the salsa. That woman could bend into positions that would make your eyes water and your false teeth amongst other things, fall out
I hope she comes back to chat with us
THanks for letting me come down the Purple Camel, I would love to see you and Liddy sing, hearing , well, that's another thing
The Grange sounds a nice place. Do they have roaring log fires and cut glass??
I'll call by for you and Liddy then, what time?? Do you dress up or down at the Camel?
Great Aunt May.

The Purple Camel can be quite a rough place at times so we don't tend to overdress. My shell suit and a nice hat is about right. They search you for weapons at the door as you go in and if you haven't got one they'll lend you one for the evening.
The Grange is full of log fires and cut glass so it will be a bit like a home from home for you as you say that you and that "Brother" of yours are landed gentry. By the way, Liddy and I never did really believe that story. And we are concerned as to where that Hudson fellow went too! Still don't trust you entirely Great May
You can call for us at around eight next tuesday evening if you like. We have our grand opera night then and I will be singing some of my best dramatic arias as well as the quartet from Verdi's Regulator. Liddy and I double up a bit for that one and we are going to end with our version of the Anvil Chorus where I sing with a chorus effect on the Karioke machine and Liddy plays some old scaffolding poles with a mallet. It always goes down a storm.
Sorry that I cannot invite you to stay at my place May, but I do have my reputation to keep and you do have something of a name after your trip to that Hamster Jam place if you don't mind me saying so.
Wear a hat Great May. That one with the silver kipper and the poppies on is quite nice.

I think I'll put my new leggings on with a red tunic top and my high heels, that will match the hat with the red poppies on, although I lost the silver kipper last Tuesday after the window cleaner had been. Heavens knows what he's going to do with it, although it might have something to do with unpaid bills
I won't be mutton dressed as lamb will I Addy??
Shall I bring some Welsh cakes with me Addy? They are my speciality. The flour was out of date, but I remember Liddy saying that it was just a joke to get us all to buy more. Can't see what would be wrong with flour in date untill 2001 anyway
I did them on the griddle, although there may be some ginger cat hairs in them as Tiddles was on there having a warm before I cooked them
Great Aunt May.

Well me dears, that Salsa Class was wonderful, but I was so disappointed... Mark Ramrakash was not there in he spangly sequinned shirt. I might go to that Latin Class and learn how to Tango, after all we know what that Arlene off that BB Sea programme said about the tango, and I'd like a bit of that.

May dear, the Welsh Cakes are wonderful. I'm still using flour I saved from rationing. It's got a few weevels in it but they just add to the flavour of my Steak and Kidney Puddings.

And Addy, I don't think you had had your cateract operation before I had my hip done, so you might not have known who I am.

Must go, I've got to collect my pension from the post office.

Elsie

No, no Elsie you twit! I wasn't having a cateract op, it was my cat that was having an op to stop her having kittens. I stopped having kittens many decades ago! Nothing wrong with old flour my Old Flower! Liddy has some stuff from before the war that is still going strong. She has bags of it in her cellar. And Great May, why exactly was Liddy's old Tiddles warming herself on YOUR stove? Some things are beyond me. I think that Lidd must be busy with her conducting still as she hasn't been writing to us for a while.
Mutton dressed as lamb Great May? Yes, of course you will. I thought that was how you wanted to look!
I'm off for a look at the radio now. There are some good things on later in the evening. See you all at the Purple Camel tomorrow. Addy.

Look at the radio Addy?? You are supposed to listen to the radio
You are thinking of Liddy's Tiddles, this one is my tiddles, he's a lovely BIG ginger tom. Gorgeous, bit like Damian Lewis or Toby Stephens
Ooooohhhhhhhh men, don't you just love 'em??
Liddy went to the loo last week and hasn't been seen since
I'll pick you up in half an hour Addy. Elsie, will you be coming too??
Great May.

'Ello ladies! Tryin' to sneak out wivout me were ya??! I can see ya now you know! I woz indeed stuck- "Oh dear what can the matter be- my old Liddys stuck in the lavatory!". That woz all the 'elp I got from stoopid Bert! Mind ya, a good excuse to get them luvverly fire boys out agen. Hehe! You missed a treat there May!

May- what on earf do ya look like darlin'? We only goin' to the Camel! You fink old Oscars gonna be there? Oscar's a fing on the telly, ya great wazzock! It's a statue fing ya get fer actin'. You get one every time fer actin' so daft.

Addy me old pal. I'm right sorry I ain't bin in touch. I tried to write from the loo, but the paper ain't so fick as it woz is it darlin'? D'ya remember the fick old paper we used to 'ave, do ya sweet? Cheap old stuff we got now. Me pen nib went right froo it. Still, I'm back now in time fer us to go to that Big Plum place in Americka! Cor- I'm right lookin forward to that sweet. Are we gonna 'ave anuvver big Lino to travel abaht in? I fancy one of them Yella Cabby fings.

Mean time, I'm gonna go and jump on that Jack Oozy fella! 'Ow many tins a baked beans do you 'ave to eat before goin' in there then? That's 'ow you get the bubbles, innit?

Laters loveys
Liddy xxxxxx

If you eat all those baked beans Liddy, you'll be back on the loo before you can say"Trumps".
We're all up the Purple Camel Liddy, are you coming too...... go on, be a devil
Cor blimey Addy, that landlady is a bit odd, so's that smell from those funny cigarettes Glad I don't smoke Still, the beers good, and that hot pot was interesting, what was the meat in that Elsie?? I wasn't too sure. Very tasty though.
Lovely singing Addy, if you like that sort of thing. Not sure what the bikers thought of it. That big one with all the tatoos liked my leggings, he couldn't believe I was only 49
Oh, I am having a nice time Addy.
Great Aunt May.

Oh no, you didn't eat the hotpot did you Great May? It isn't fit for man or dog! Chef uses road kill so it could have been badger, hedgehog or anything! Don't ever, ever try his ratatouille!
My solo spot was another triumph, as usual. I did a lovely top E flat in Chester, but my top G at the Camel had to be heard to be believed. I can still do it after all these years.
You only 49 May? I don't think so Dear! I looked you up on the WWW interweb thing and read all about you in the Who's been Who section. You are 88 if you are a day! And you've got some rather unsavory songs listed in your repertoire too if I may say so May. I may, may I May? I can't imagine that your concert programme "My Mule and my Elbow" had many takers! You should have stuck to birds and bees like that Katyjay. There's a lady who knows about programme building. You could learn from her Great May.
(Even at your age, Dear.)
Liddy! Glad you could make it too. We had been wondering where you had got to. An evening at the Purple Camel just would not be the same without you. That Great May was a bit of an embarrassment to tell the truth. She kept chatting up the men, asking them if they wanted to drop in to see her Tiddles! And she was drinking pints all evening too! Gin on your porridge is one thing, but a lady drinking pints really is not on, even in the Camel. Only a few days to go until we jet off to the U.S. of A now Lidd. Come over tomorrow and we can look at the music in more detail. We need to produce some of our usual stunning performances there. I have told my agent that we will need another limo so we'll see what he manages to get for us. Oooo, I am looking forward to it. X Addy.

I was there Addy, and I still can't believe it. Your top G that is Don't think anyone there had ever heard anything like it in their lives Did you have to sit on a hedgehog to get that high?? Ok, OK, just asking
Yes, New Yorkers is coming up, and I have been practising with my co-star, Dilly, who I think may have also fallen down the loo and been flushed away Anyone know anything???
Had a bit of a gippy tummy this morning Addy, I'll remember what you said about the hot-pot. Hedgehog pie isn't quite my cup of tea. Thought it would be like Betty's in the Rovers
Must go and pack , have to leave the Grange in the morning. One or two little things to do before I go................... just coming Hughie dear
Great Aunt May.

May- what are you on abaht swee'eart? You ain't comin' to that Plummy place wiv me an' Add surely? Tell me it ain't so Add, fer gawd sake. I can't cope! I'm gonna shut meself in the loo agen, I reelly am.

I just 'ad a fine old time wiv that Jack Oozy, now I'm all stressed agen. Ten tons a baked beans won't make enuff bubbles to calm me down if May's comin' wiv us Add. I wanna go to 'ave breakfast at that Tiffany's place. Nice gel so I 'eard. That May will make a right show of 'erself. Can't we just pack up an' go Add? Ay Add? What d'ya say Add? Say nay ta May Add! Please darlin'.

Ah well, sweet, we can still 'ave a good time eh? We can run orf agen when she ain't lookin'. We can take 'er to that Cape Carnival place and 'ave 'er blasted up to the moon!! She'll 'ave a fine old time floatin' around by 'erself. Mind ya, she'll probably get hitched to the man in the moon!! Hehe! That sounds like a plan Add!

I gotta song, darlin' we can sing:

"We're gonna ride in a Yella Cabby fing, a Yella Cabby fing, A Yella Cabby fing!" Sing along swee'eart!

"We're gonna ride in a Yella Cabby Fing...." Can ya sense me excitement Add? Can ya Add? Can ya reelly? I'm gonna start packin' right now!

Love Liddy xxxx

Watcha Lidd. Great May says that she and daft Dilly have parts in a Broadway show but I still don't believe them. Another of her scams I expect. If it is true though they will be so busy in rehearsals that they won't have a spare minute for man-hunting let alone tagging along with us. We superstars must keep together. We'll ask or a few bouncer type body guards when we get there. The choir are flying out on friday but I have told them that we will meet them there and that we wil make our own way there. They are paying all expenses so we have first class flights booked for the night flight this evening. We need to be at Manchester Airport for the check in at 6.00p.m. so finish your packing quick as you can and we'll make a move. Have you got your own Tiddles sorted out? That May has even copied your cat's name! She'l be calling herself Liddy-May next! Don't let her anywhere near your Bert! Unless you want to get rid of him once and for all of course Lidd.
I am off now to finish my packing. I have developed a taste for jellybeans so I'll put in a bag of those too. See you soon. X Addy.

p.s. get the first class express train into London and then you can take a hop-on flight here. We have a nice little airport a couple of miles away. I'll bring Dobbin to collect you.

Gordon Bennet Elsie, they are a bit behind in Wales! Addy's taking Dobbin to get Liddy, a horse I hope she doesn't put Liddy on to Dobbin, poor thing'll collapse
Dilly and I are going on the private jet belonging to Brichard Ranson. He is a big fan of mine and loves music hall style We are having champagne and caviar on the way, and there are big comfy lie back arm chairs to sleep in if we have a bit too much. There is room for Addy and Liddy, but get the feeling they don't like us much, and probably wouldn't come if I asked.
Full scale rehersa;s for a week, and then the show. Afterr that the world is our oyster Dilly, shall we go to San Fran for a week. I've always wanted to ride the trams since "The Streets of San Francisco" was on telly, when I was a little girl.
Be prepared Dilly, for complete adoration from the fans, hopeyou are quick with a pen for autographs. Now then, I wonder if that tall dark handsome pilot is the same one as last time........................
Great Aunt May.

I think I'll risk the road kill stew. During the war a good bit of road kill always went down OK. Mind you round this way it was mainly pheasant, but beats powdered egg anyday.

That was venison - munkjack wasn't killed on the road just hit, I got that nice local farmer to finish it off with his shotgun then went 50/50 on the meat. The young man driving his 4 x 4 didn't fancy getting rid of the dear so I got him to put it in the boot and drove it to the farm.

The handsome young service man will take me to the music-hall in his Apache. He'll do anything for a jar of marmalade that young man. Thinking of inviting him to the "latin" class... after all it does take two to tango and now I've got rid of the Zimmer frame, I want to take full advantage.

Elsie

Oi! Oo you insultin' May?! You tryin' to say I could lose a pound or two?! What about you then? That Richard Brazen runs a company named after summink you'll never be agen. Bloomin' cheek- I'll get me boys on ya. I will, gawd 'elp me if I don't. Ya better 'old me back Add. I'm gonna do for 'er one a these days. I needs me Jack Oozy more than ever now.

I 'ad a fine ride on that Dobbin when I woz in Wales. Solid as a rock the old boy is. More than I can say for Hughie. Limp as a lettuce 'e is. You livin' wiv the cuckoos you are.

Blimey Add, me bags are packed and I'm ready for the off sweet. Can't wait ter get out of 'ere. You gonna stick up fer your old pal or what. I'm cryin' real tears 'ere. Never sin such a wet 'ankey in me life. She won't ever be as good as us. She's jellus and don't we knows it?

Anyway, we got all them Welsh fellas singin' to us all day long. That'll be smashin' won't it darlin'? You gonna warble a toon or two along wiv 'em are ya Addy darlin'? I got me 'ands all manured so they look good ta play the piana. Lovely red nail polish an' all. Got me 'air done special, though I'm gonna wear me Chester 'at as it went dahn a storm diddun it darlin'? I got me boy Wiggy in the middle. You wearin' ya pink wig again are ya darlin'?

Well, I'm almost ready darlin'. I'll just wipe these tears agen....

Be wiv ya soon lovey
Yours ever so upsetly
Liddy xx

Ay Lidd, comfy seat these! I like these first class plane things. We'll be taking off any minute now so let's get our seat belts on. Old Dobbin did well getting us back from Mona airport with all of your bags. Just as well that he has learnt to pull a cart otherwise we'd have been a bit short of space on his back.
That Great May is still pretending that she and daft Dill are in a show. We'll go to see it while we are there to check it out. Still don't believe it though.
They'll be getting drunk and disorderly as we speak I expect. We both know what they are like don't we! Man mad and no mistake. I am surprised that they drink so much too. I hardly ever do. I have my vocals to consider and I hope that they will last a few more years yet. My public needs me. Old May's voice left her years ago! And as to Dilly, well, words fail me, they really do.
Ah well. They are off to San Fran after the show so we won't be going any where near there, where ever it is.
Ay, we're taking off now. This is better than the ride on the helecopters at Menai Bridge fair.
I wasn't wearing a wig at Chester Lidd. That was my new styled pink rinse that I had done at that posh place in the city. Good though wasn't it? As to your hat, I'll bet that it is better than anything that those NY designers can make. I've put in my new one with the aardvarks and anthill on, and a tea cosy incase it turns a bit nippy. We can get some new things there if we want to. I've still got some cash left from my scratch card win.
Oh goody. They are bringing us a meal now. Let's sit back and enjoy it and then we can watch one of these movies. Which one do you fancy Liddy?

Oo-er darlin'. Ain't never bin in a plane before! 'Ow does it stay up in the air then? Clever innit? We can watch a film an' all ay darlin'? Cor- this is grand livin' swee'eart.

I fancy that film wiv that Jenny Dipp fella in. 'E wears long 'air and make up. Almost the dead spit of my Philma when 'e's done up posh. Mind ya, don't wanna get near the bloke wiv the hooky hand darlin'. Could do ya a right mischief there.

Ooh would ya look at them clouds! 'Ope we don't get none of that flatulence stuff- I 'ear the plane wobbles all over the place! Bit like Great May wiv 'er foundation garments off. Hehe! Can you imagine it! Shall I open the winda a bit love? It's a bit stuffy for my likin'. There don't seem ta be a winda opener fing. Why's that then?

Cor Add, I'm right excited. Bein' up in the air like this! Whoosh!! Hehe! I'm like a big kid ain't I? I 'ear the loos ain't sa big though. I fink I'll wait til we get ta Big Plum else I might get stuck agen. I don't wanna show you up Add, as you're my bestest pal an' all.

'Ere Add, that wing just fell off! Is that supposed to 'appen.......?

That wasn't a wing Liddy. It was just one of those trolley things reflecting in the window. Stop getting so jumpy! All is well, the pilot said so. I did enjoy that supper. Especially the strawberry shortcake pud. A pity that we had to pass on the free champagne though, but we must remember our voices. No good going all the way there only to get dry tickly coughs is it? Pass me a pineapple juice instead lidd. We can enjoy that just as much.
I fancy watching that film with the queen in. How they got her to play herself I don't know. It must have cost a fortune. I wonder if she will win an Oscar for looking so much like herself?

Oooh- you right clever you are Add. Fancy knowin' that was one of them trolley dolly fings! Don't they look funny wavin' their arms about, tellin' ya you ain't gotta hope if the plane crashes! Don't fink I'll be 'eadin' fer the exit if we fallin' to earf faster than a stone, ay sweet? Sorry- am I depressin' ya a little bit?

'Ave a drink wiv me Add. Go on Add. Just one won't 'urt ya. I drink to your good elf! Bottoms up! 'Ere, that Pilots got a nice rear ain't 'e? 'Ave ya sin 'im darlin'? There's summink about a Pilot ain't there? 'Ere, what's this Mile'Igh Club people told me abaht? "Ya gotta join, Lidd" they sed. "Ask the Pilot fer details". Shall I ask 'im Add, eh Add? Is it safe fer 'im ta take 'is 'ands off the steerin' wheel?

'Ere, Add. I wanna go to the loo lovey. Will ya come and stand outside in case I get stuck agen? Come on then, ducky. Don't fink I can wait any longer...

Just sing loudly when you get in there Lidd. You'll be fine. Don't get stuck in there again though. We land in a few minutes so there really isn't any time to ask the pilot about joining his club. Perhaps we'll find out about it on the way home.
The choir is flying out this evening and I told their conductor that I would meet up with them for a rehearsal on Saturday afternoon. I'm going to sing Rose of Bangor and You'll Never Walk Alone with them as my backing group as well as a few solo items. I hope that all of that Teach Yourself Conducting work has paid off Liddy. We'll be a sensation, that's what we'll be. Was it the copy that you found in that Harry Clari's dustbin Lidd?
I hope that they have got us a nice big limo at the airport. I asked for one. We have to look out for a man carrying a sign with our names on when we get there. He is going to take us to our hotel. We have our own penthouse suite. Do you know what a penthouse is Liddy? And don't tell me that it is where the pent lives!
Come on Lidd, hurry up. Time to fasten our seatbelts for landing. Exciting this isn't it?

Stroof darlin'! Them loos are no bigger than a tin of corned beef! fought I woz gonna need a tin opener to get out agen! Ain't goin' in there on the way 'ome even if I'm desperate.

I bin 'avin' a right good time while you bin warblin' wiv the Welsh Rarebits Choir! I bin to a big field in the middle of Big Plum. Central Heatin' or summink it's called. Some young gel went flyin' past on a pair of them roller blade fingys so I got meself a pair! Ain't never moved so fast in me life! Woz a bit wobbly at first, and me poor old derry air took a few bashes. Good job I'm well padded innit? I'll lend 'em you when we get back 'ome.

I bin in a yella cabby fing an' all. I reelly wanted ya wiv me darlin' but couldn't wait, so there! "Where to, lady" says the fella! Me- a lady!! "Dunno" I says "Just hit the road Jack!" Clever of me to know 'is name innit? We bin all round sweet. I gotta right crane in me neck from lookin' up at them tall buildin's. Fink I'm gonna spend the rest of me days lookin' up peoples noses! Blimey, darlin'. What a fought ay?

'Ere Add!! We got our own show on that Ever So Wide Way! It's a moosical called "Two Old Ladies and a Lino". We gonna be stars Add! Some bloke saw us at Chester! You can do your toon, and I'm gonna do me "Over There" number! Good innit? 'Urry up then darlin'. We gotta choose new 'ats and frocks! Put them men dahn fer a minute, do! Our public await! hehehe!