'Ere, Norma! Are you that gel what reckoned she was a "chased goddess" or summink? I bin chased by me dear departed hubby, then by Stoopid Bert, then by Rusty Bucket, an' nah I got me boy Fred.

When we've bin ta the Camel, ya's can come ta the Spotted Ferret wiv me an' the gels, cos it's a laff an' it's better than the Camel an' the beer is cheaper..an' I get ta bash a good old toon aht on the pianer! Gotta be worff a visit eh ducky?

I believe it is your turn ta make the panad, Norma me old swee'eart. Mine's milk no sugar. Ta everso.

Lowersinth: Norma!
Norma: Lowersinth! What are you doing here? We can't appear on the same posting! We are the same person - its very dangerous -it could damage the space-time continuum!

Lowersinth: Would like a tuna sandwich?
Norma: Thanks! (exits stage left)

Norma (offstage): Just wait till I regain my powers! I wonder if filing a flight plan would help? Maybe I should write to the CAA?

Are ya's alright Norma, dear? Are ya's talkin' to yaself? Are ya mad? Are ya dead?

*I'm right confoosed by it all I am I'm right confoosed by it all! *

Goddess - undoubtedly! Chased? Not too much in the last few centuries, dear, but I tell yer, them Romans was quick on their feet, in spite of all that armour.

You should hear me faverit toon: "Casta Sugar". that'll show you how sweet I am! Maria Callas and that MonsterRat Cabally have done covers of it, but I think the George Formby version is best - certainly closest to me in real life.

Here's your Panad. Milk and no sugar, I think you said.

Tuna sandwich? I don't know where they came from! I just wish my head would stop hurting. It feels as if I've just fallen from about 18,000 ft!

Norma-Lee Moore-Seine

Stroof Norm! You 'as gotta be the oldest lady in the whole wide weld if you knoo them Romans! You is even older than Madd..an' she's as old as dirt! Fancy bein' chased by a fella in armour..I'll 'ave ta get some fer Fred! Hehe!

I loves that Mary Callous gel an' all. What a luvverly voice she 'ad. Shame she's dead innit? She coulda come to The Ferret wiv us eh? Never mind. I'll sing ya Casta Sugar song instead. Good to you ain't I?

Ta everso for me panad...fancy a cake do ya?

Yeh, Its a shame she's dead. Still I'll pass on yer regards when I next see her, next Tuesday.

Comin' from 50BC probably does make me a tad on the elderly side, but I use that Loriel stuff, cos I think I'm worth it. I get it from Marcus et Spensus in Londinium. They 'ave special discounts for Godesses.

50BC? Where's that then? Anywhere near Bognor?

Addy.... Adddddy!!!

Did yer see that druidy woman just now, she were only 'ere for a minute or two an' then she slipped on that beetroot trifle that you dropped an' never wiped up an' now she's gorn an' left us again. Them daft old bats down there don't seem to geddit that she's one them there druidy people. You ever 'ad doin's with a druidy person Addy?



Lavvy

Liddy,

It is actually in Bognor, it was tied to a piece of string and left just behind the Co-op (or it was - you'll appreciate its a very long time since I was there)

Ooh..ta Norm! I'll go an' 'ave a look see if it's still there! The Co-op 'as got some good offers on at the minnit. I can get some cat food cheap fer me dinner. Ever had Whiskers on toast Norm? It's luvverly.

Give us some of ya Lorry Ell stuff first though please lovey. Gotta look me best when I go aht eh?

Thanks Liddy, I've never tried Whiskas on toast. I Like Felix though. Reminds me of Midsummer Nights Dream for some reason...

(passes over a bucket of Loriel) Help yerself ducks

Norm

I don't fink I rechoir a bucket full of the stuff Norm ta all the same! I ain't that bad fer a gel of 92 87 76 my advanced years!

Hey Liddy who ya going aht with that needs yer to have this lorry 'ell stuff from Norma ??
Not sure I like the sarnd 'o that.
Hey Norma, Ahm gunna be in Sarf'ampton in a cupple 'o weeks ! How abaht yous and me getting tergether eh ?

Fred

Dealings with Druids? I'll say I have Lav. You don't get to go to the national Eisteddfod and not run into a few on the way. Good fun are Druids.

Let's wait until they all go down the Camel and then we can throw pints and nuts and things over them. That'll spoil May's posh red frock.

Addy

Hey girls, it's supper at Maddie's. Pedigree chum and potato layer with parsnip, carrot and mushy pea mash and apple custard for pud. I have some potato wine as well. Then we can go down to the Camel for a game of darts.

I've got here at long last. I got locked into a branch of Woolies on their closing day without me ruby slippers. Eventually, after singing non-stop they realised this was live music and not a case of them leaving the piped music on, and let me out.

Can I have a giant sized Panad Ddu please.

Did no one offer to buy you then Summat?
Want some supper? It's an old recipe of Add's.

Apparently they survived the first 30 seconds of pain, but felt it was too much suffering on top of having lost their jobs that they felt they had to eject you - forcibly!

It was on the welsh news!

Who are you then duck? Not yet another pal of my late sister's? She was very popular. Want a lump of casserole?

Hey Fred!! Freddy darlin'..Freddy what is the luv of me life an' there ain't no-one fer me but you (except mebbe Ludwig and that fella wot is James Bond)...Fred! I ain't goin' aht wiv no-one me old duck! Just tryin' ta keep meself bootiful fer you's dear...

*Blimey Norm..ya got me inter bovver wiv Fred nah... *

I'm the one who's let out of me padded cell from time to time - unlike the rest of you - old bean!

Grounded! Bah!

To make matters worse, I'm leaving a trail of red footprints all across the axminster... What's this on my shoes?... It looks like BEETROOT????

Me wings are still not working - I just get chilly, flappin' 'em about; and now the feathers are coming out. I'm going to write to the CAA about this...

ANALGESIA! Where are you? Bring paper and ink forthwith...

Writes: "To the Chairman, Committee of Aviating Angels, Dear Sir, As a deceased priestess of long standing, I fail to understand why...etc, etc.

... Yours Sincerely
Norma-Lee Moore-Seine".

Strange! What could Fred mean by this so-subtle assignation? What would he with me? Could I? Should I, be the agent whereby the gracious 'damselle Ms Coal Bunker, without a hyphen, is deprived of that love rightly due to her? No! I, who have been so wronged in love, could not possibly do it! not ever....

Confound it! I though I'd got all that beetroot off my shoes.

Just goes to prove that nice Mr Shakespeare was right when he said to me - "Norma, it's not wise to soliloquise in the presence of beetroot."

Stroof you don't 'alf talk weird Norma!

Does this mean you's ain't gonna pinch me Fred orf me then? Ta everso you's a pal ya's reelly are a mate an' no mistake!

Kettle's on ducky!

You really wouldn't want Fred, Norma! He's a doddering old thing and barely able to put one foot in front of the other on a bad day. You should see some of the comments that Add wrote about him in her diaries. I'll show you sometime. She used to rate them out of sixty you know! She was quite a rude old thing at times.

Panad Lowersinth? If you have any more of those mustard creams bring them along. They add a good flavour to the tea.

Hey, did you see the widow Gedacht out and about again the other day? She must have had a discharge again. She's been gone a few weeks this time since that strange incident with the vicar, the library van and the fishing net. Or was that fishnet tights? I can't remember!

It's a nice day today. I am off to do a spot of gardening. The place got into a bit of a mess with all of those Christmas lights around the place.

'ere Addy, who's this odd-bod that keeps turnin' up like one of them bad pennies - 'e were at your funeral Addy, weren't 'e, playin' wi' is organ, an' a raight racket 'e made on it an' all. 'E thinks 'e knows all about playin' t'organ but 'e knows nowt, do 'e, Addy. 'E ought to 'ave some proper lessons, afore 'e goes muckin' around wi' stuff 'e don't understand. Ah bet you could teach 'im a thing or two about organs, couldn't yer, Addy


Lavvy

Lavvy you're not wrong there old spook! He was the one sure enough. Do you remember how he playedn the wedding march by mistake as they wheeled me out? Laugh? I would have died if I hand't beed dead already. I could certainly show him where to put his organ Lav. Who would thought that anyone could reek suck havoc with a harmonium eh?

Shal we throw something at him?

Well 'e reckons 'e can swim so why don't we push 'im in t'river an' see if 'e's tellin't truth or not Ah bet 'e's just braggin' as usual

Mind you, if 'e drowns, we might 'ave 'im up 'ere wi' us then Addy

Well that's true. On the other hand it's a big enough place to hide from him Lav.

Let's just throw a fish or two at him. They have falls of fishes at times. Funny that no one has figured out who flings them down isn't it.

Hurls a few herrings at HG.

'Ere! Wot's this?

I woz wonderin' wot to 'ave for me tea, and now all these 'ere fishes 'ave 'appeared from out of nowhere.

Don't 'ave to go out shoppin' now....



EDIT: Crumbs! Holz Gedeckt finds he's been put in the same padded cell as the rest of them now....

Those fish don't smell very nice Add. Did yer get 'em out of the last week's bin?

The bin? Heavens no. They were leftovers from supper before Christmas. We trien them on the angelic pigs but they didn't go for them. I knew that they would come in handy soon.

Shall throw some more? We might make the news.

Wot do 'is name mean anyways Add? It sounds raight foreign to me. 'Ave yer got one of them dikshun dikkchun big books wi' them long words in to see wot it means. You're raight clever Add, tell me wot it means

It's one of those daft foreign words that is organist's code for his organ pipe Lav. Most folk just say ++++.

Ah've just put 'is name into one of them new-fangled web thingys an' got told it meant "wood covered". So 'is real name's Woodentop by's look of it, and 'e tries to mek out 'e's all posh by callin' hisself summat foreign. Can't be doin' wi' these people that put on hairs and braces, wot say you Add...

Kippers and curtains Lav, kippers and curtains. My old Nain used to say fur coat and no knickers Lav. Too pretend posh for words if you ask me.

Here, have some more of these fish.

Ooo dear, ah fink that last one ah threw 'ad a fish 'ook left in it, Add - ah fink ah'll be off in case 'e chokes on it 'an ends up wi' us

500 pages of chit chat!

[ the fish with the fish 'ook left in 'its PeriWinkle on the 'ead an' knocks 'im aht ... oops ]

We've made 500 pages Ladies and Gentlemen

Chit chat? CHIT CHAT? This isn't chit chat Mrs. It is serious stuff. My late sister Adeline was a famous writer as well as a fantastic singer I'll 'av you know. Her work cannot be described in such a lowly term. The rest maybe, but not the musings and writings of the late, great Add.

Cheers m' dears.

I say Maddie old girl.............Norma's a little odd at times eh?? Thinks she's a Druid or a priestess. I thought they were perfumes by Hester Loadsamoney. Do you reckon she's on something??
May

Well she's on the champagne at the moment. Just look at her lying flat out on the sofa snoring like a grampus. Mind you she's very easy to get drunk so that is worth bearing in mind next time at the Camel. Isn't it strange how some of these old dears think that they can fly? First Summat and now Lowersinth. It must be the caraway seed.

Getting carried away by the caraway seeds..........nice one Madd.
I wouldn't mind getting carried away by a nice young man. Seen any anywhere Madd? They could carry me orf and have their wicked way
I've got a nice chilled white Pinot Grigio here, fancy a glass Madd??

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Gordon Bennet Madd, Doesn't she snore loudly??
Feels like an earthquake
Let's sneak orf down The Camel without her. Shhhhhhhhhhhhssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Psst, May - can I come too?

Whispers Of course dear. Come on. They all tiptoe out and Maddie sneezes violently.

Lowersinth wakes and finds herself alone

Sediziose Voci!

They've Gone to the Camel without me!

I shall get there before them.

[changing into Norma and spreading wings]

I can fly! I will fly!

Maddie's garden looks like a reasonable size for take off!

Now lets, see... 40 degrees flaps, full power and... Here we go!

[Norma hurtles down Maddie's garden, flapping furiously, but to no avail. A splintering crash is followed by a dull 'whump'! Norma's beetroot stained soles are seen projecting from Maddie's compost heap, as the shattered remains of Maddie's greenhouse descend in small pieces all around her]

Norma: "Rats!"

Hello ol gels!
Just got back that ol place over the pond, Germy knee?
Oh well, anyway i found me a feller!
*Points to half dead old man in armchair*
Inny gawjuss!
Anyway, im just gonna go see if me beetroots are outta hibernation

*shrillish scream*

Oh gels! Some elephant has stepped in em! Theres huge footprints in them, must have been some ol bloke with feet like that!
Oh and what the eck was a blimp doing fallin out the sky eh? I saw it near yer house earlier mad as i were comin back from He Throws Airports (what a stupid name, who could throw an airport)