Elsie Dahling. Can you sing?? Oh good. Get your bottom around here fast. We have a problem with Dilly. She has Dallied in the loo for too long, and has disappeared off the face of the earth.
The director wants you in the show, "Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Farthington".
Can you do it dear?? We need to know very quickly as we fly to the Big Plum tomorrow
Great Aunt May.

Addy......Addy......say it's not true......Addy....

May day ! May day!

I'm goin' off me 'ead Addy. I'm 'allucinatin' or summink. I coulda swore I saw.......GREAT MAY!!

Help me darlin'....I'm fadin' fast......

I needs the kissa life Addy...get me a doctor or fireman or the saints above....and get 'em NOW!!

Of course I can sing May, but we must get hold of Dilly. I'll understudy, but if she gets herself back in time its her performance her show!

Wow, Elsie, I didn';t know you could sing like that dear You were wonderful. Bet you could give that Addy a run for her money, not that she's got any left nowadays. Spend, spend, spend A trip to Hamsterjam would do her good
The director says you are in, and we fly in 2 hours in Brichard Ransom's private jet. You had better pack a few things. Whatever you miss , we can buy whilst we're there.
Did you hear those 2 old biddies going on about the mile high club???
Joined years and years ago, I got in by using my Green Shield Stamps. Are you in it Elsie??
See you at the airport dear. US Hay, here we come
Great Aunt May.

Oooh, my gussets and garters!!! I'm a working gal ya know. It's all taken off since New Year......not that I'm taking anything off

I've bin asked to exam some students - they 'avnt said what equipment I'll need........any ideas? EEEEEEEEEEE what an old biddy does to supplement 'er ink hum. Should I wear me red foundations what I bought in the Neverlands
I've got that many pupils, they're kewing up at the doors. An they all want to play old Dilly's organ and piano.......whole world has gorn mad for music lessons.

And as for me Adult Edification lessons - 8 hours a week - I'm ker-nacked already!!

Wot's this show I'm producing - or am I the star? GAAAAWWD - have I forgotten? Do I 'ave ta sing or play or wot?

Must fly - left the broomstick revving up at the door

Well Lidd, we must do a tour with the choir again sometime. I have never had so much fun in my life! Well at least not since I went to Blackpool than time with the young farmers from the club, but that was a very long time ago. I'll tell you all something about it sometime. Did the conducter sort you out with some resuscitations then Liddy? You look well enough now dear. Yes, I am afraid that it was Great May that you saw. It seems that she is here after all. Shall we go and see her in that show this evening? Was it "Annie, Get Yer Gin" or "Seven dwarfs for seven sisters" or something like that? You ask the door keeper man if he can find some tickets fro us. Right in the front row would be good, and then we can boo and shout things at them: .

Well Dilly and Elsie,
are you ready for the first night? Break a leg dears. I am so excited. It was perfect that he could get us all in the show. I hear from Addy that she and Liddy are coming to see us this evening. I'm sure they will enjoy themselves
See you all at the champagne party before the show.
Great Aunt May.

Hee hee hee Liddy! They are going to a party BEFORE the show! That Great May cannot hold her drink at the best of times, and as to Dill and Else. Well, they are something else I can tell you after they have downed a few. I have told them to stick with pineapple juice but will they listen? That Elsie is on her hip flask as I write!
Two Ladies and a Lino sounds good. I am not sure about the "Old" though. If I can sing my song with the top E flats in and you can sing "Over There" it will go down a real storm. Fancy someone talent spotting us in Chester eh Lidd. We didn't need any of those casting couch methods did we Lidd?
What are you going to wear this evening Lidd? I brought my shell suit just in case, and my pound shop pearls but I am afraid that my new hat with the crab apples and the octopuses got squashed somehow so I will just have to go hatless. It will show off my pink rinse a treat though.

Now girls, my secret is out. We pretend to down G and T's , but really only have the t's. OK Elsie and Dilly?? You must be good, and we can have a knees up after the show. We'll show those two old dears a thing or two. My cancan has to be seen to be believed
I hope that Addy hasn't got one of her pink rinses, she looks like one of those pampered poochy poodle things, especially when she has that diamond collar necklace on from Claire's Accessories. I really think she thinks it is real, Liddy got it in the church hall jumble sale, but told her it was from Cartier's.
A quick cup of Rosie Lea, and we'll be on stage.
Great Aunt May.

This is a lovely seat Liddy. Right in the front. I had a bit of a fright this evening Lidd. I was going to wear that lovely diamond collar that you got for me but when I went to look for it there it was, gone! No sign of it anywhere. I spoke to the hotel manager and he told me that nothing like that had been handed in and could only apologize. He did mutter something about the new chambermaid handing her notice in in rather a hurry though! But all is well as he thought that it was covered by the hotel's insurance, which indeed it was. I wasn't too sure of its value but knew that you had said something about it being of lovely quality top blue white stones and enough carats to feed a big rabbit so tomorrow we are invited down to Cartier's to choose a replacement. Actually I had thought of getting two slightly less expensive ones so that we can have one each Lidd. Would you like that dear?
Oooh Look! They are about to start the show.

OOH Add! I'm right excited I reelly am! I got so much to tell ya swee'eart! I 'ad a scare in the big Plum when I sees that Great May headin' straight for me! Saints above- if I didn't fink I woz 'eadin' strait fer the Pearly Earring Gates! I fell over- bam! Right there and then. Next fing I 'eard was nee naw nee naw!! A bloomin' great big fire engine pulls up beside me!
Dahn comes the hunkiest fella I ever did see in me life!
"Fear not, madam. I will breath new life into you!"
"Who are you then?" I says
"I am George and I hold the Golden Helmet Award for saving gracious ladies such as yourself!"
"Way hey! Get on wiv it then, lad!" says I
Next fing, 'e's breavin' dahn me froat like an 'urricane!
Stroof Ad! I ain't bin the same since! Feel like I'm walkin' on hair lovey!

What d'ya reckon this show pallaver will be like then Add? Shall we be polite an' cheer or honest and boo the'ouse dahn? Ah give the old gels a chance ay darlin'? Then they can come and see us and learn a fing or two. I must say, you've done yaself up a treat darlin'! Never sin ya look as good. Shame abaht ya jewels though innit? D'ya reckon 'Udsons abaht agen?

Ooh- shush now darlin'. Show's abaht ta start. BOO! BOO! hehe! Sorry love. Couldn't 'elp meself!

No, you're right Lidd. It's terrible! BOOOOO, BOOOOOO, HISSSS HISSSSS. This is the worst thing that I have ever heard!!!!!!! Oops, it was just the safety curtain going up!
Ah, that's better. Look, there's Great May dancing across the stage, and that Elsie with the new hips. Oops, looks as if she might be needing some more new ones now. That May just fell over and landed right on top of her. And here's Daffy Dilly, singing. She's quite good really if you can look beyond the red corsets and those huge feet of hers. Do you think that she is wired up or is she really that loud Lidd? I've heard of projection but that really is beyond!
There goes May again. I think that she has had one or two tonics too many! The leading man is rather dishy though. I bet that Great May has had her claws into him already. You know what she can be like.
Not much of a storyline is it Liddy? Fancy a few jellybeans? Here, pass your hand over and I'll pour some in.
Let's yell some more!

BOO! BOO! Get off you're rubbish! BOO BOO!!

'Ow am I doin' Add? Gis a jelly bean lovey. Can I 'ave a red one? Ta fer the sweet, sweet! Hehe! I'm 'avin' a fine old time me! You reckon Dilly Dally can sing do ya? Fink you need ya ears cleanin' aht. I SAID...oh never mind.
That poor fella May's after! Must be 172 if 'e's a day! More wrinkles than a prune 'e 'as. Looks like Trevor, my old tortoise.

Shush darlin' Elsies on agen! BOO! BOO! Kindly leave the stage! BOO BOO!

You're right Lidd. He does have a bit of a look of Trevor about him.
BOO, BOOOO. THIS IS THE WORST SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN! GERROFF!
We're doing well Lidd. Do you think that they will invite us to the party after the show if we yell some more?
IT'S BEHIND YER!

OLTVA hips fine but my young granddaughter Joanna (well she's under 40) went and put her SI joint out doing the Laundry. These young whipper snappers no stamina. When do I get a chance to dance that Tango. That Arlene from Strictly Come Dancing appears to recommend it.

Else

'Ere Add! Else wants ta dance wiv a canna drink!! She's bin tango'd! Hehe!

BOO! BOO! We want our money back! BOO BOO!

What d'ya mean we diddun pay nuffink, Add? Oooh we ain't gotta make a run for it agen, 'ave we gel? I'm fulla jelly beans- I can't run nowhere! Blimey Add...wait fer me darlin'.

No, Lidd, calm down Old Bean. We didn't have to pay because we are famous stars and they love to see people like our good selves at the theatre. That's why they let us in for free Lidd. You can sit down again, we're fine for a while.
It isn't very good though! They can't sing, they can't dance and they don't even look like Ginger Rodgers! I'm going back to the penthouse place soon to watch some telly. Fancy some toasties wnd cherry brandy Liddy? Perhaps their show will get better towards the end of the week.

Ok sweet. Let's go. We'll come back when we drunk as skunks then it will sahnd bloomin' marvellous! Funny fing this Pant'ouse innit? Long way up in the sky an' all. Makes me go all wobbly at the knees, darlin'. Stroof will you get away from that winda! You'll go flyin' out of it! Why can't they live on the ground like what we do at 'ome? Why'd they 'ave ta be so bloomin' 'igh up?

I saw that Statoo of Liberty Bodice when you was away wiv the fellas. Bet 'er poor arm aches 'oldin' that fing up. Don't 'ave much ta say for 'erself do she? Just stares at ya. Gave me the heeby jeebys she did.

I ain't bin in ya Lino yet since we got 'ere! 'As that Barry Larry Harry Clari gorn off wiv it agen? Where we goin' tomorra then darlin'?

I'll call for the limo at first light Liddy. I think that it is safe in the car park. I haven't seen that Harry Parry fellow here at all. I expect that he is at home playing with his repertoire!
I don't have a rehearsal at all tomorrow so we can do just what we like. We have an appointment at Cartier in the morning to choose my replacement necklaces after mine went missing and then the day is all ours. How about the museum of modern art Lidd? That should be good for a laugh.

Oo-er darlin'! Sounds good ta me! Game for a laugh me! Don't you be tryin' ta make me giggle in front of all them lardy da arty types like that Brian fella off the telly!

Can't wait sweet. I'll see ya in the mornin'. Make sure the winda's shut in case ya go fer a bit of a walk in ya sleep. You be splattered all over the street below lovey.
Night darlin'.
Liddy xxxxx

I've ad all the daily papers delivered this mornin' and there in't ONE revue 'at show. Mind you, someone spiked me pineneedle juice so I can't remember a bloomin' thing.

I think someone told me to sing out ...........or was it get out

Did I do me novelty strip??? - ya know, the one where I use me suspenders as catapults and fire fishermens friends into the audience

I'd bin practisin in front of the cat - shame if I didn't get ta do it. Mind you theres a few fishermans friends in me knicker turnups this mornin so I probably did.

Praps I can do it at a Four Room concert.................................or ow about in the Cafe as an after-dinner Cabarette?

Well Liddy my old pal, we now have two rather nice pieces of jewelry in place of that lovely necklace that went missing. I know that you got it in the local jumble sale but what a good thing that you had the good sense to have it tested and valued before you gave it to me. Full of good ideas you are Lidd. I would not have recognized the Cartier mark but you did. That daft old duck thought that the "C" stood for "Claire's" from the kiddies play jewelry shop in the high street!
And doubly lucky that I had a photo of me actually wearing the necklace in Chester. The nice man at Cartier said that he recognised the piece and it had been made for a rather well known lady client, now deceased, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. That must have been how it ended up in the jumble sale.
I am going to wear mine all day.
Let's get to this modern art place and see what there is to point and laugh at, Liddy and then we can go somewhere posh for lunch. It is all expenses paid remember so we'll treat ourselves.

Well done Elsie and Dilly, you both sang and danced beautifully. Can't believe you didn't see the review Dilly, on the front page of the New Pork Times Were you only looking in the stage section?? You should have seen the front.
Well, those two old dears showed themselves up somehthing rotton didn't they? I thought the leading man was going to bust a blood vessel Glad when they chucked the pair of them out though, it was so embarrassing seeing two elderly ladies, and I use that term loosely, making a right twit of themselves
Elsie and Dilly, we have to perform until the end of the week , and then are you all up for a visit to San Fran with me??
Dear Addy and Liddy, would you two like to come to San Fran too, it could be a laugh if you can both get over the fact that we were a TRIUMPH last night.
My leading man was VERY grateful to me last night, so you'll have to excuse me, I need a little nap before tonight's performance
Great Aunt May.

Have you regained your composition yet after all that laughing Dear? I have never seen a reaction to a review like that ever. That show was terrible, and when that daft Dilly started her strip dance and began flicking fisherman's friends around the place I didn't know where to look! It was worse than a stag do at the Purple Camel and that's really saying a lot!
And they were all rather intoxicated too, and blamed it on spiked pineapple juice! I suspect it was that half ton of fermenting banananas that they ate that did it. The show will play to full houses now because the people will flood in just to see if all that the writer said is true. Alas, they may well find that it is.
What did you like at the gallery Lidd? The sunlight room? The Representation of Chaos? Or maybe just that rather nice quide that bought us coffees? Don't tell Great May about him. Poor fellow was half her size and age. He'd never cope! Another concert tomorrow Lidd. I hope that your conducting skills are in good shape. How you manage to wave your arms around and play the triangle at the same time is beyond me but the choir certainly seem to understand every twitch and flutter. It is nice having a good backing group.
By the way Lidd, why are you carrying two water melons and a cricket bat? I meant to ask you earlier.

Ooh darlin'! What a Scream!! Good picture by that Munchy bloke innit! Looks like me sometimes when stoopid Berts bein' more stoopid than someone wot's very stoopid! I gotta print of it ta stick on me fridge door. Then I'll just shove it in Berts face when I've 'ad enuff of 'im! Job ta see wot some of this art caper is all abaht ay Add? My Tiddles could do better if you ask me. Looks like ya need ta stand on yer 'ead to work out wot it's supposed ta be.
I got me melons and cricket bat cos I'm gonna do a picture fer the gallery, darlin'. I'm gonna call it "Melons on Bat Wot's Bin Used ta Bash Bert Over the 'Ead Wiv". Should be a crowd puller, d'ya fink swee'eart?

Well, that May an' 'er gels were outta this world darlin'! I told ya we shoulda blasted 'er to the moon. I fink she's sufferin' from lack of air anyway. Give 'er one a ya wigs lovey. Fancy you 'avin' some Cart Horse jewellery darlin'. I want one of them Fab Argy egg fings. Pretty ain't they? D'ya fink I can get one wiv me 50 quid Add?

Let's go to the market ta see what they got shall we? 'Ave ya got ya Lino back darlin'?

I KNEW I'd dun me novelty strip tease!!!!!!!!! Ope one 'o me fisherman's friends poked 'em in the eye!! Are we doin' a Matins and an evensong performanance......only the suite shop has run out of fishermen, and can only supply me with Snickers.................eee that'd be good for pubicity -
"DILLY DANCES in her S-KNICKERS"
I bet them two 'ad be there catchin 'em as they fly frew the air, projected by me M & S sozzies in a flight of fantasia!

If we ARE going to San Fran Angeles, I'll 'av to get some flour to wear in me hair. G'night May

(goes to bed singing "Is this the way to San Fran Disco............."

Must go to frisco. Can we go sight seeing that golden gate bridge seen it on the telly so many times. And can we get a chauffer driven cadillace to take us to Napa to go wine tasting.

Oh a handsome young man driving a classic car and loads of free wine sounds like heaven. Though I must buy some to take back home.

Elsie

Ay Liddy. They are so proud of that review! If I had been on the front page of the New Pork Times I would keep very quiet about it? Do you remember when that Mary from Gas Works Terrace was in the centerfold of Playboy? She never lived it down in the local chapel. The visiting ministers used to fight for her autograph as I recall.
Your work of art with the melons sounds interesting Liddy. Are you sure that there will be a market for something that will go off in a few days though? Or are you planning to take a photo of it?
I don't think that I fancy a trip to San Fran with those old ducks. I can think of nothing nicer than an evening in front of the radio with my old Dobbin at my feet and a large mug of hot marmite and something squashy to dip in it.
What shall we do this afternoon Lidd? The concert doesn't start until 8.00pm so we have loads of time.
My pal Bryn is on at the Met this week and he has asked us round to his place afterwards. Fancy that Lidd or did you want an early night?

I don't know about Lidd, but can you take me instead. The met always reminds me of those boys in blue when I get booked for abandoning my car in the middle of the road. I just can't get the hang of getting it any closer to the kerb than a foot away.

Do I have a chance to have me hair done before this afternoons massacre. It needs a new blue rinse and a nice shampoo and set.

Oh and I haven't been dancing with a fizzy drink. I'm sure Dr Pepper id that nice physician who asked me to dinner yesterday.

Better keep practisng the song and dance routine.

Oh and do you think we need plain or self-raising in our hair before the trip to San Fransisco.

'Ello lovey! I've 'ad a right old day of it, I reelly, reelly 'ave, honest I 'ave Add. I met some stoopid fella what 'ad a right old go at me, so's I wacked 'im over the 'ead wiv me cricket bat. Knocked 'im fer six I did. Tellin' me I'm no good on the piana! So, they calls the "cops" don't they sweet? 'Ad me foter taken this way and that way wiv a number in me 'and an' all. Stroof darlin'. I needs ya! I fink they gonna bang me up or summink! Gotta get someone wiv a loada money wot can pay Bill Bail or someone.

I wanna be able ta see Brian Tervel again. 'E's gotta wallopin' great voice inny darlin'? Sure it's 'im and not that Meat Puddin' fella we got mixed up wiv before? 'Ere Add, don't tell Great May I'm in 'ere will ya darlin'? She'll say it's payback fer laughin' an' booin' all the time.

Blimey, darlin'. You gonna come an' 'elp me sweet? I gotta go- I'm only allowed one phone call. Bring that George fella wiv ya. Cheer an old gel up 'e could! Hehehe! Stop messin' darlin'. This is deadly serious. I'm on Alka Seltzer island and it ain't funny no more!

It's FLOWERS you wassock, not flour. Gordon Bennet, you old ladies take the biscuit I know, Morning Coffee, or Rich Tea. YUK!!!!!!!! Treacle crunch creams for me , dipped in Earl Grey tea. Mmmmmmmmmm.
What is ti with all these rinses, blue , pink, orange in Liddy's case. WHY????????
Just have it dyed a proper colour, brown, black, blonde, red, whatever.......
I met that Bryn the other day Addy, he's got a big one hasn't he? .............A big , deep voice.
Great Aunt MAy.


Blimey Addy, our Liddy in prison about to be banged up for the first time!!!!!!!!!
What are you going to do?

All's well now Liddy. My pal Bryn has had a word with the police chief boss person on your behalf. It turned out that he is a big fan of Bryn's and he was quite happy to waive the bail money and to forget any charges for a couple of front row tickets to the Met so all is sorted now. You do get into some messes though Lidd.
Keep your cricket bat for hitting your Bert for your work of art with the melons and all will be fine.
Don't tell Great May that we are at Bryn's this evening or she'll invite herself round and then there will be trouble. His lovely wife and kids are here with him and they'd sort May out and no mistake!
Only one more concert to go and we can fly home unless you want to go to San Fran with Dilly Lily, Great May and old Elsie. I don't really fancy it. I want to get back to some decent food that does not include burgers, cheese, chips and pig fat on everything! Fancy an ice cream Lidd?
Do you remember when that old twit from Leeds tried to make deep fried ice cream dumplings? I forget her name now but you will remember her. She was the one with the baggy stockings and the pipe. She married a bingo announcer from Bolton.
Come on Lidd. Let's have a nose around Bryn's place.

Ooh darlin'! I do luv ya you know, I reelly reelly do, straight up! You know's all the right peeple don't ya darlin'? Lucky for me innit? Ta everso swee'eart! We'll ave a party shall we? I'm gonna burn the bat like I did Mays Straddywatsit. Looked stoopid in me picture anyway. More like a banana than a bat. Never was good at art, me.
Ah well, let's go an' see ya pal Brian then we can 'ead off 'ome ay? I reelly wanna find out abaht the Mile 'Igh Club, so remind me to 'ave a word wiv the driver of the plane won't ya?
Ooh yeah- I remember 'er from Leeds! Deep Fried Fritters by Fan Dango! Gawd 'elp us she gave me the jitters darlin'. Mouf bigger than the Mercy Tunnel. My old mum used ta say "Lidd, just cos Gawd gave ya a mouf, don't mean peeple wanna see dahn ya froat when ya talkin'". Could see right dahn Fans' couldnt ya?

Let's go 'ome dear! I miss me Tiddles summink chronic.

Fanny Dango! Yes, that was her! And her old man was called Bingo Dango wasn't he? It is all coming back to me now in glorious technicolour. Oh dear, I've been in New York too long.
Let's get Bryn to make us a panad.

Liddy, you've got as much chance of joining the mile high club as I've got joining a convent
For goodness sake, think of the green issue, and come with us to San Frank Sosco. It will save on plane fuel. Especially with your weight
Just joking. Let's have fun in the sun.
Great Aunt May.

Don't do it Liddy! Think of your Tiddles. By the way, I know a very friendly Mother Superior in Blaenau Ffestiniog who would be delighted to welcome that fallen woman. Shall we tell her?

I heard that Addy
May.

Then get yourself over there asap Great May old bean! Shall we make an appointment for you?

More tea Liddy?

Addy, I'd be as much use in a convent, as a fart in a colonder
Come and sample the delights of the Calipornian Wineries with us, we can eat Ceasar Salad outside at cafes overlooking the bay. Ride the trams. Visit the prison on the island, Liddy will like that, she's used to it
Don't be a mud in the stick.
May.

Oh are we really going to visit Alka Selzer! And is than young Clint guy still there. I've really wanted to go to that china town. Do ya think there into spode or wedgewood.

That young Clint guy is older than me Elsie Not sure if he's older than you though. Think he's about 65 now. Do you fancy your chances then
So, we'll all be going on Sunday then. Addy and Liddy, despite your appalling performance at our opening night, I have managed to get you both tickets for the party tomorrow after the last performance of "Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Farthington". I think that although the novelty strip by Dilly wasn't in the script, the director has had it evry night this week because it put bums on seats
Don't think the New Porkers new there were so many friendly fishermen from Britain
We'll see you at the party then ladies, that is IF Liddy can stay out of trouble
Great Aunt May.

Stroof- sorry Add- I tried me 'ardest to avoid these old biddies! The old Bird Man of Alker Seltzer will 'ave a fine old time wiv all of us. D'ya reckon 'e will cope? I fink 'e's too long in the dentures now don't you?

Come on then gels- I just got time to teach ya a bitta the waltz. May- you go wiv Else, I'll go wiv Addy and Dilly Dally you...er..sit in the corner like an old wall flour. Grab ya partners then.. No May! Gently! This ain't a wrestlin' match. Me an' Else will be the gels, you uvvers are the boys. 'Ere Dilly- you can whistle that Bloo Danoob toon for us, ey darlin?

Ok altogevver now 1,2,3 1,2,3... Look where ya goin' Else...watch me toes Add...no this way..left...look out there goes Dillys teef...yuk- don't look now Add- they've landed on yer 'ead darlin'.

Well, a fine old shower you lot turned aht ta be. Better dancin' wiv me old Tiddles. I'm off fer a drink...Maybe I'll meet Brian so's I can do the old Cha cha cha- hey hey hey!!

I do hope that waltz is one of those viennese whirls. Do ya think we'd be able to escape from Alka selzer then. Quick dip in the specific and back in through the golden gate.

It's no good Lidd. I never could dance. I have two flat feet and can't go backwards without falling over! I give up!
I am going to fly home this evening, back to my little house, my old Dobbin and sunday chapel. I really don't want to do any more of that daft Dilly or Great May's stunts. It would be too awful!
When I get back I'm going straight down to the Purple Camel for a sing song. I've had enough of this being posh lark.
You call over when you get back Liddy. And don't get yourself arrested again!
Bryn managed to get you out once but I don't suppose that he would do it so readily a second time. Keep away from trouble Lidd.
I've missed doing the rounds of the charity shops too. Designer frocks are nice if you have the money but we don't really. I'm even thinking of selling my Cartier necklace when I get home and putting the money towards something that I really do need. Fur lined slippers and a big woodburning fire would be good. And I've always fancied one of those chocolate fountain machines too. Ooh, the list is endless Lidd. We'll go to Argos when you get home and treat ourselves shall we?
Right, on with something decent for this last concert. Pink I think, to match my new hair colour. Where's my Welsh dragon brooch and my red wellies?

'Ello darlin'. I'm 'ome now an' 'all. Glad ta say so too. Wot a place that Americka is! Don't fink I'll be goin' back agen, do you sweet? Still, I 'ad a fireman breavin' dahn me froat, so it weren't all bad!

Well, fings are the same in me little 'ouse, sweet'eart. Bert woz in bed when I got 'ome wiv someone called Dizzy Heights. D'you remember 'er darlin'? At least 8 feet tall, wiv legs that go up to the ceilin'. So I turfs 'em bofe out. Once and for all Addy. I've 'ad enuff. I'd ravver be 'ome alone wiv me Tiddles than 'ave Bert 'ere wiv 'is floosies. Philma pinched me new outfit from Cocoa Channel so's it's back ta normal for me, gel.

'Ave ya got the jet laggin' darlin'? Me 'ead feels ever so odd. Dunno what time of day or night it is. Strange innit? And the Pilot weren't such a good looker this time. The Mile 'Igh Club lost the chance of a new member there, Add.

You an' me are bofe the same ain't we darlin'? We like the simpler fings in life. Just as well ay? Well, give me a chance to get me 'ead back, and I'll be along to the Camel wiv ya darlin'. I'm gonna show 'em 'ow old Lidds learnt ta dance! That'll be good won't it? Don't worry luvvy- I won't ask ya ta be me partner, cos you are pretty rubbish at it if ya don't mind me sayin' so.

Put the kettle on then darlin'. I'll be there in a jiffy.

Lidd xxxx

Kettle's on Lidd, biscuit tin lid is off Lidd, and the teapot lid is on Lidd. One mug or two?
Your old Bert messin' with that Dizzy woman then eh? Don't be doing with any more of his nonsense Lidd. You tell him straight! I remember her mother, Verty Golightly. Two girls she had......Giddy and Dizzy. Giddy married that nice lad Eric Kipper and I lost tracks of Dizzy's husbands after her fifth one died. A wealthy widow as I recall. Perhaps she thinks that your Bert has money Lidd.
Spring has come here Liddy. I saw the first frog of the year today and the moths are starting to eat my woolies again so it must be getting warmer. I fancy a nice hot summer. Do you fancy going to that fellow's hotel party in Spain for a spot of busking Lidd? We could do an evening if reminiscences and our favourite songs. I've always liked The Biggest Aspidistra in the World. Perhaps he'd like some like that? Are those Spanish people ready for us do you think Liddy?

Holler semolina!! That's what the say in Spain innit Add? Ooh yeah- I fancy some sun on me old bones, darlin'! Are we gonna join them people what done the Dip Llama fing wiv music? They're food's good an' all eh? They 'ave Pay Ella don't they? D'ya get chips wiv that Add?

They bang them little wooden fings togevver too don't they. Faster Nets I fink they called. Wonder they don't chop their fingers off wiv 'em they go sa fast. Ooh darlin'- when we off then? Not worf unpackin' from Americka is it? Best go and rinse a couple of pairs of drawers out though Add.

You say the word, and I'll be there darlin'

Add Eros Add!!

Gosh, you are such a bi-vocalist Liddy! I don't know any Spanish. I used to be able to say "Go away, I am not that sort of girl!" in around eighteen different languages but I quickly forgot!
I like Pie- Ella too. I wonder why she had a pie named after her Lidd. Do you think that anyone will ever name a famous dish after us ? How about Peach Addy or Steak Liddy? Let's ask the Spanish chef to invent some dishes for us. Something full of vanilla for me!
It is good to be home Lidd. My Dobbin was so glad to have his own little bed back. He had enjoyed himself at the stables but was quite tired. How was Tiddles? I have a dish for him! Tiddles Gatto. It's a foreign joke Lidd. It may be beyond you dear.
What shall we sing at the Camel this week then Lidd? I hear that they have booked that Barry Parry and his Clarri so that should be good for a laugh. Let's swap his reeds for some really hard ones and we can watch him change colour as he tries to blow.
Do you think he could play that Rockin' around the Shepherd piece Lidd? I know that you can bash it out on the piano but could he keep up I ask myself? "Probably not" I reply.
I wonder how the old ducks are getting on in San Fran. we'll have to keep an eye on the news reports.
Addy says Adios.

NEWS REPORT FROM SAN BRAN SOCKSO.
3 BRITISH WOMEN WERE FOUND DRUNK AND DISORDERLY IN A CALACCORDIAN WINERY. THEY WERE COMPLETELY SMASHED. SO WAS THE DOOR TO THE CELLAR.
THE MOST EXPENSIVE RED CLARETS HAD BEEN CHOSEN FOR THEIR ESCAPADE, AND MISS ELSIE DRAWLESS EXPLAINED THAT THEY ONLY LIKE THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE.
DILLY DALLY, A FAMOUS MUSIC HALL SINGER WAS HEARD SINGING "DON'T DILLY DALLY ON THE WAY" AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE. UNFORTUNATLEY SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY STARKERS, AND MADE MATTERS WORSE BY FLICKING FOUL SMELLING SWEETIES AT THE LOCAL POLICE SHERIFF.
THE CIA AND INTERPOL WERE CONTACTED WHEN A MISS MAY AGNOSTINI WAS RECOGNISED AND DEPORTED TO CUBA TO FACE CHARGES OF CORRUPTING A PRISON OFFICIAL. AFTER THIS SHE WILL BE TAKEN TO SPAIN TO ANSWER CHARGES OF TRAFFICKING SUSPECT UNDERWEAR AND RED STILLETOS.

Hehe! I bet you forgot that foreign lingo on purpose, ay Add? No sorry darlin'. Tiddles Gatto means nuffink to ya old pal. You'll 'ave to explain it to me over a plate a Poe Elly.

I fought Barry Harry Larry 'ad gorn off in ya lino sweet. Is 'e back agen then hen? I can't keep up wiv 'im. I'll bash out me toon on the piana and just for a laff we'll block 'is 'ole up an' all shall we? On 'is clari fing- where'd ya fink I meant? Cor your mind sometimes Addy love!

I see ya want some 'elp in ya garden. 'Ave ya tried Potplant Pete? I 'ear 'es good wiv the garden 'ose! For waterin' the garden of course! Hehe- stroof you dirtier than the flower pot men Add! They may be able to 'elp ya an'all!! Hehe! I'm rollin' abaht all over the place Add. I could roll ya lawn all flat for ya!

Good luck to ya swee'eart
Boonos airys
Liddy xx