Stoopid ole Rusty Bucket! I 'ope 'is armour goes...er...rusty.

You'll have to tell me all about him over a panad sometime Lidd. Jilted eh? What a tur skunk.

Will you leave my ###### beetroots alone!
I tell yeh, the one time im not poisoning cooking for you, you all go treading in em, and puttin a load of em on yer face! Trust me ol gel, itll take a few more beetroots to get those crowsfeet away!

Oh dear, now we've upset Gert. She'll be cross if we have squashed her turnips
Shall we make some home made wine girls, because of the money squash? Let's make turnip, beetroot and horse radish.
May.

Why do I suddenly feel rather unwell?...

Leave out the turnips for Harri P perhaps. I have a recipe book of Addy's here May. What do you fancy? Carrot cake made with grated apple instead of the carrots, swede and mustard mash, Rusty Bucket's favourite supper dish? No, wait! That last one was just a picture of some withered old birdLiddy.
Kettle's on.

What did i just say about me beetroots! And you go out an pick a load more, treadin on my turnips at the same time, i tell you ol gels i wander why i bother. Its time like this i need you ol crows young ladies, especially as im so ill at the moment, doc says if i dont get enough rest, i might well be joining Add, god rest her soul, in the sky!

I'd also leave the horseradish out.

Oh, and the beetroot.

so you only want the fish stock?

I'd leave that out too.

Hey Girls, time to deliver our cards. Eddie and Dobbin are ready for off so I thought that May and I could ride and Liddy could run behind posting them through the letter boxes. We have two full sacks to send.

Stirrup cup before we go?

*cough*
[whispering with lots of coughing] Im still not well you lot, mind if I come stay with you madd?

Well, Batty did say you should have left out the fish stock, too...

Not a problem Gert. You can have the back bedroom with the fire going in it. I have some soup on the boil and a sheep-free shepherds pie so do come and share it.

thank you ducky, i tell you i feel like im knocking at deaths door

Shall I call the doctor to help pull you through Gert?

Don't die off old bean. We'll have no one to make beetroot food.

*shuffles in and commandeers a suitable armchair before glaring over her glasses at anyone who dares breathe*



*resumes knitting chainmail for her Viking boys*


Consider yourselves conquered. I am Freya, grand-daughter of Thor, Viking warrioress, semi-retired berzerkr and now well into cantankerous old lady territory.


And yes, I inherited the old man's hammer. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


In fact, be very, very, very afraid. And hurry up with that tea, an old lady could die of thirst over here!

Maddy, why dont you and the girls go down the camel, and gimme some peace.

[little do the ladies know i am infact robbing maddy]

Flippin 'eck Gert, who on earth have you brought along with you? She's not yet another odd bird who thinks that she can fly is she? Deary deary me! I'll take her down to the Camel for a swift half of something cheap and cheerful if we can get through the snow.

Have this hot soup Gert and stay in bed under those blankets. I've put the goose feather quilt on to make it really cosy for you.

Are you coming Freda?

*as the door shuts*
Right, now, thats her room, and Add used to put anythin valuable under the bed... i think there was a loose floorboard. (sorry weve been watching silas marner at school, haha)
Oooh, i wonder if madd knows about this lot, hang on... whats this...
*shines torch into hole* thats a... a... gun!
Surely it wasnt addy who shot those old men in the village..! no it couldnt have been.
*Gert puts the gun back*
Theres got to be something worth a bit in here... wheres her necklaces, i know maddys been sporting a nice platinum one, oooh there it is *gert quickly puts it in here pocket and goes back to her bedroom*

Don't mind if I do!

*grabs tankard and heads for the door*


Oh and I know I can fly, Mother was a Valkyrie.

Yes, yes; of course you can fly ducky.

(What an absolute twit! Ah well, best humour her.)


Want another Freda?

(It's Freya, named after auntie Freya, goddess of love, beauty, fertility and decent brassieres in E cup and above)


And yeah, why not?

*quaffs ale and knits more chainmail*

Here Freda, Have one for the road. We used to knit dish cloths like that dear.

*raises eyebrow and reaches for grandaddy's hammer*


It's Freya.



[/cantankerousness]

No need to yell Freda ducky. Time for off I think. See you sometime maybe.

(O heavens, I really hope not. That one is as mad as two hatters joined together with string.!)

I wonder if Gert is feeling better. She did look rather pale.

Cor! This new Freda's a bit pushy, ain't she?

Someone pass 'er a fresh tankard to keep 'er quiet.

Oooh - look! She's got horns comin' out of the side of 'er 'ead!

She's in fancy dress, pretending to be some goddess.
Panad old bean?

I wondered if 'ee were gonna ask "tisho panad?". I'm gonna turn 'ee down on that one, m'dear. What's Welsh for "a rather gutsy Shiraz" tho? I'll 'ave anuvver of they if I may, please! Or p'raps anuvver glass of gooseberry.

Or perhaps I'll 'ave that tankard you woz passin' to Freda. 'Er seems to 'ave passed out. Can't take 'er drink, methinks!

You could say " Dw isio un o'r Shiraz reit cryf Boyo, ac wedyn un arall plis hen ffa."


A bit of a lightweight, that Freda.

I forgot to trabslate the bit about the gooseberry but you've had quite enough already!

I's 'as just said sommat like that wivout meanin' to!



Dunno about that. 'er looked about sixteen stone to me.



Hic....hic! Wharrya on about? Hic! Ugh! Splatt! Zzzzz......

Maddie Trams runs away very fast, leaving them in the snow. Phones local police when she gets home to go and collect them. Warns them to get a big stretcher for Freda.

Maddie ole gel, whats and ol dear like me go to do to get a few magazines roung ere!
go on, go get a few please, and dont rush back

*maddie leaves, and gert instantly goes back on the prowel in maddies bedroom*
crikey, no one needs that many wedding bands! *fills old potatoes sack with addys old wedding rings, well, a quarter of them atleast*

*Hears the front door open* Oops i forget the keys to eddie and dobbin (ok, i know horses dont have keys, but these are addys horses!). *footsteps up to maddies bedroom*

Will gert get out in time? Will she be caught?
Find out in about 15 minutes after breakfast!

Gert, old bean, get back to bed. Were you getting up to stoke the fire? I'll do that and then I'll set off for the shops again. I may be gone sometime in this heavy snow.

She or Prima?

next thing to steal...
*gert looks out of window at harry*

*Lowersinth is trudging through the snow towards Maddie's house. Falls on face for seventeenth time*

Norma: Lowersinth! There's no time for laying down, resting. We need to get to Maddie's

Lowersinth: Why can't you haunt someone else, Norma? I really hoped I'd left you behind, in the Middle Sea.

Norma: I may have lost my flying powers, but I can still swim! Anyway, you are my appointed hauntee. I'm just as much stuck with you as you are with me, so make the best of it. Look! there's some mistletoe! I'll cut some with me sickle and you can give it to Maddie as a present.

Lowersinth: Not everybody is as into mistletoe as you are, Norma! *Takes Mistletoe*

Norma: Nonsense. I sold 5,000 tons of the stuff to Woolies, just before Christmas. They paid an absolute fortune for it. Spot on with their commercial management, are Woolies! Look Here were are. And the door's open.

*Enters*

Lowersinth: Anyone home?

Norma: Put the kettle on Lowersinth. What's that big hammer doing over there? Look, its got a B&Q label on the handle. Cheap tat!

I say Madd old girl, I'm a 34E, so does that make me a goddess
Who on earth was that old bat with the hammer?? Was there a break out of the local secure unit?
Panad??
MAy.

Lowersinth: Hello May, I've put the kettle on. No sign of Maddie, but there's some funny noises coming from the bedroom. Norma's off haunting round the house.

Norma: I'm back. Ask May about that tin pot you found, Lowersinth.

Lowersinth: Here, May, 'ave you seen a pot like this before? made of tin or sumfink like that, the bottom's pointed and there's a sort of pointed 'andle on each side, but they bend downwards... Norm got me to plant 'er mistletoe in it, but I aint so sure...

May runs like bill oh down the garden shouting over her shoulder

"It's a grenade"

Lavvy, Lavvy! Just look at this. They've got the box with my ashes in and are racing it around like mad things. No respect at all for their old friend.

Let's throw snowballs at them.

*gert still looking at harry out of the window*
Oh thats just disgusting.
*sees yellow snowball coming out of knowhere, hitting May in the head*

Great shot Lavvy.

Gert stop throwing those blasted snow balls at me you old boot.

I didnt!
*Paints beetroot white* Thisll knock her out!

WWwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Addy hurls more snow balls.

That's it. I orf home.
May turns on her heel and runs down the lane.

Lavvy, save my ashes!

Not seeing the ice, she slips.


WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU OUTTA MY ALLOTTMENT!


I mean *cough cough* im so ill.
Ratty, maybe youd better go take this riff raff out somewhere, so i can get some rest.
I wouldnt take that ring your wearing, leave it with me.

What's a Gernade, Norma? Is it something nice?

Not really. I think it would have gone off by now if it was. Just a minute, hold it the other way up. There. Looks a bit like a viking helmet now, doesn't it. Hmmmmmm. Wonder where that came from?

May now very confused and all at sea

Gordon Bennet, quick Maddy, the Vikings are coming to pillage and all that.