Ain't sin no Saucey Bill, Norm...but ya gotta bloomin' great shark swimmin' right be'ind ya's! I'd get outta the wa'er if I were you dear. Might be a good idea eh swee'eart?

I’m not scared of links like that, Liddy. Anyway, its only a bottlenose dolphin.

Dolphin: Squeak! squeak! Squeeeeeeeeak! squeak!

Oh! He says he’s come to complain about people throwing old bicycles in the sea. Can’t think who that could have been!

Anyway, I didn't do it on porpoise!

Oh Liddy, Liddy, how can I put this politely? Well, you are not, errm, not very... ermm, well not very well educated are you? Not like that upper crust May Ponsonby Smythe. I bet she knows what it means, she probably went to a proper school.

Now if you ask that very nice lady Daisy, (who has promised to sellotape my copy of the Sicilienne together again so that she can play it for me soooo nicely at Leeds) what con fuoco means, she will tell you without hesitation that it means with fire. It's Italian, you know. See, it's a joke about the piano being on fire. There, now you can remember that and when next you meet a musician you can astound them with your knowledge.

Oh never mind
If there's anything left of the piano, Norma I'll have a steak and a spud please. Not too well done for the steak. [Thinks that is a forlorn hope!]

Here’s your spud, Gerald, bit I’m afraid the steaks are all a trifle well done. I can do you a really nice fresh dolphin burger though…

Ta very much - would that be a tuna-friendly dolphin then?

Did somebody mention the word trifle ???

Why are dophins friendly with tuna???

Well it says on my tin of tuna "this is dolphin friendly tuna" so I wouldn't want to eat a dolphin that wasn't friendly with tuna, would I?

Do you like trifle as well? I love it! My wife makes it sometimes, but she never puts custard in it. My daughter-in-law makes it properly, but then she goes and eats it for breakfast . My mum used to make it for when we went on a picnic, but we always had a problem with keeping it upright in the car.....

The dolphins and tuna are extremely friendly with each other - in fact they are in the same trifle together, and you can't get much closer than that. Bowl of T&D trifle for you, then, Fred? Anyone else?

I do everything con fuoco
I can make trifle, but there is a drawback. You can only eat it during licenced hours. YOu see, I always slip when the sherry goes in. It just happens. Everytime I try not to, and the wrist just slips.
I'll have a steak please Mole.............rare, thankyou.
Did someone mention firefighters

Here’s your rare steak coming up, May. Lowersinth, chuck some more of those tuna on the upper strings, will you?

Piano-tuna, Anyone? These are in the quay of sea but they’ll be flat if you put them in a sandwich!

Mole, Lowersinth and Norma - that is just about the funniest thing I have read for ages .

Thanks for starting my day off with a huge laugh!

If you want real humour combined with abstruse fictionalisation, you should see my department's completed annual personal self-assessment forms!

Mole

This steak's a bit chromatic Can I augment it with some Dearjohn mustard please.

How can a steak be chromatic? Only fish have scales! Anyway I’m afraid we have no dearjohn mustard. I have Colonel Mustard if that’s any good?

I gotta Colonel Bogey if ya's want it...anyone gotta tissue?

Nah! Save it ducks! Yer can use 'em like Blu-tak to stick fings on the wall!

You two really lower the tone. Where's Gerry? He's posh.

Good finkin' swee'eart. Ya's right clever, Norm, ya reelly reelly are right clever ta fink of that dear.



Stroof May...you're one ta talk ducky! When I fink of you's doin' the can-can wivaht no drawers on....

*Tries desperately not to think of May wivaht no drawers on.*

You're so right, May! I don't know where that Lowersinth was brought up! Perfectly disgraceful! I try to keep her in check, but I can't be around all the time.

Norma-Lee Moore-Seine

Lydia................you are shocking. Truly disgraceful. You promised you'd never tell.............

I guess May was trying to conform to the historical rumour that this is how the can-can was originally performed.

But what, I wonder, persuaded someone who is reputedly posh to do the can-can in the first place? . Looks like I must change my opinion of May. Gerry isn't posh, he is the one who went to work. Gerald is the posh one.

Are they different then?
I used to be in music hall , and we had to all sorts of things for art.

Gosh yes. We are identical twins, but we agreed as soon as we could talk that we would share the world. So Gerald went to school and learned to play piano, Gerry went to college and therefore had to get a job. Gerald got married and had kids. When Gerry retired Gerald grabbed the pension and took up the flute. He tries to keep Gerry locked away, but from time to time he has to be let out because of all the people he met during work.

I thought that was clear .

Regarding May and her services to art, I am tempted to ask "what else did you do for art" but perhaps it is safer if I don't go there.

[No Gerry, you can't make a rude comment about the can-can]

Norma, I think you are more sane than Gerald. He's absolutely barking. Thinks he's got a twin in a cupboard at home Just pacify him, and don't laugh whatever you do

As to my art Gerald, don't ask dear

Tea anyone?

Thank you kindly, May, I don't think anyone's ever referred to me as being sane before

Tea would be lovely. No sugar, thanks, I don't have a sweet tooth, like that Liddy!
*whispers: And its such a shame she doesn't have any others to go with it*

Norma, that was very naughty.
Here's your tea, and fancy some crumpet old bean?

Ya's upset me nah Norm. I fought you's woz a pal an' all.

I don't reckon I look sa bad wivaht me teef anyways...

So you think I am barking? That's because I lived for the first 21 years of my life in a place called Barkingside . (No really, look it up!) And I don't keep Gerry in the cupboard, that is just silly. He lives in the shed.

I would love a cup of tea, and I do like a nice bit of crumpet to go with it.

I didn't mean it Liddy! Your teeth are lovely (and Lowersinth has promised to return them as soon as she's finished crimping the pie crusts)

Poor Liddy. Here you are old girl, a picture to cheer you up. I know you like firefighters.

Hey, these are the guys who came to save our house a couple of weeks ago!

You's a good pal, May, unlike some what I could mention rahnd 'ere (Norma)

Ta all the same though swee'eart but I got one of me own.

Just you keep you's 'ands orf 'im though or I'll bash ya on the 'ead wiv 'is big chopper fingy....

Phwoarr. Liddy old girl. We shan't see you for a couple of hours then??

A coupla weeks more like!! Hehe!

Trouble is old bean, I get bored with them after a bit. Then I have to find a new one.
Orf to do a bit of something else now.
May. xx

May! I trust this is not a tasteless drilling joke!

Certainly not. I would never have thought of that

My humour is far more "Carry On" than tasteless, Mole.

That augers well then!

That was meant differently. Sorry Mole.

*feigns innocence*

Anyone seen Liddy yet? Has she come up for air???
More tea Vicar?
Norma dahlink, are you playing at the concert in Leeds?

Sadly not, Dahlink, Just can't fit it in, I'm afraid
I am in such demand, you understand...

Norma-Lee

I didn't realize there was such a demand for barking mad old ladies

Yohoo, coo-ee, anyone home? May, Liddy, Addy.......no, not her, she 's dead and gorne, Gertie? Where are you all then? I popped out for a while and when I came back you'd all left the place.
OK, I may have been gone a little longer than I had antisip antissua anticcippated expected to have gorne for but I ran into a couple of old friends and we got chatting.
Any news, old beans?

OLD BEANS? WHERE ARE YOU ALL?

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Maddie, you old reprobate...................where on earth have you been you old tart dear.
I am here , and I have been trying to find a rich MP to marry. My theory is, MPs are rich enough to have houses with moats and duck houses, so they'll have enough to keep me in posh red shoes.
What do you reckon Madd?? Am i right or am I right??

But May, the ones what have made the money on their duck houses and things will be out of jobs soon or I'm a monkey. (Don't answer that Harri Parri) Then they won't have any jobs or any more duck house money. The others who have been honest as the day is long will be as poor as church rodents anyway 'cause they've got their own stuff to buy. I think that you need a dating agency May, or at very least the Grab a Granny night in the Camel on tomorrow evening. I saw a rather dishy young(ish) vet in there yesterday. They have loads of money. No wedding ring either, and a rather unkempt air about his person so no wife by the looks of things May. Get yourself in there Girl!

Yes but Maddie dear. Even if they are out of work soon, they still have their manor houses, of which I can be the lady.
Then there is that gravy train everyone keeps talking about. I love gravy on my Sunday roast old bean.

Where does the gravy train go? Manchester via Milton Keynes?