well the alka selzer trip is tommorrow and in true bird brained style we're arriving by hang glider.

Monday is the trip to the Nappy Valley to go to the winerys. We're hiring one of the windy bagos and heading up highway 1. Ya see May has troubles with high numbers and ya know how her navigating is.

STOP PRESS
A FURTHER REPORT FROM OUR ARTS CORRESPONDENT:
MISS DILLY HAS BEEN BAILED FROM JAIL AND IN A SURPRISE MOVE HAS ACCEPTED BOOKINGS FOR A SEASON, APPEARING ON THE "ORPHEUM CIRCUIT" A WELL KNOWN CHAIN OF BURLESQUE HOUSES. THIS TALENTED LADY SAID - "AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, DEARIE. AS LONG AS THEY SUPPLY THE l'0REAL REGENERISTE BY THE BUCKETLOAD, I'LL CONTINUE MY WORLD FAMOUS ACT - THE FISHERMAN'S WHARF STRIP."
A NEW MUSICAL DIRECTOR HAS BEEN APPOINTED TO MISS DILLY - REPUTED TO BE AN ABRM FORUM STAR MUSICIAN - AND HE IS ALREADY WORKING ON A NEW REPETOIRE FOR HER "FISHY STRIP" ROUTINE.
WE BELIEVE THAT SHE WILL OPEN HER ACT WITH "THERE'S A PLAICE FOR US" AND REACH A STUNNING FINALE WITH "THE GILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC"

"The San Francisco Bugle" 4th February 2007

Back to normality eh Lidd! Those old ducks have really lost all control now. I know that Daft Dilly and Great May had gone off the rails years ago but I am surprised at that Elsie, what with her being a grandmother-in-law to a man of the cloth. We are well out of that Lidd.
Do you fancy a spot of lunch out somewhere nice today Lidd? We could treat ourselves. I missed real food when we were in the States. There is a new place open in town. It is called The Purple Camel Upstairs and on a Sunday it is an all you can eat for a fiver day! They haven't seen how many puddings we can pack away at a sitting have they? Shall we just have puddings or do you fancy a real main course too? I must say that a good Yorkshire pub would go down a treat after all those burger things.
I will have some pineapple juice too as I have a solo in chapel this evening. I'm doing Hovis Angelicus. That always goes down nicely. You can do the organ bits if you like Lidd. The regular organ player is away today and I was going to use the backing track on my classical Karaoke tape, but it always sticks in the middle and I have to sing the same bit over and over until the Rev remembers to give it a kick.
Gatto means Cat in something foreign so Tiddles Gatto would sound like Tiddles Gateaux dear. Oh never mind. I'll draw you a picture sometime. There is an arts programme on in a few minutes from the US of A and those daft old ducks might be on it.

What are those old girls like Add?? Good luck to 'em- they gonna need it, ay sweet?

Ooh yeah- let's go to the Camel Upstairs place. I love a good Yorkshire puddin' me, lovey! I like the ones you eat an' all!!! Hehe! I gone all squiffy darlin'! Wot's up wiv me? Must be gettin' ridda Bert once and for all eh? I'm on the lookout now fer a gent what will take care of me in me dotage. D'ya know any nice fellas goin' spare darlin'? I wonder if we'll get any Valentino cards this year? I 'ad ta make meself one last year. Sad innit? Never mind- I gonna find me a real man Add! You gotta 'elp me sweet, bein' as yous me bestest pal an' all.

I'll play on the organ for ya sweet. I likes that Hovis toon you gonna warble. I might sinalong wiv ya. I'm gonna start singin' lessons next week, so it'll be good practice won't it? I like that toon by Andrea Lord Webby an' all. I fink it's called Pea ay yay Sue or summink. D'ya know it darlin'?

Ooh come on then sweet, enuff of the old chat! Let's find the nearest Yorkshire lad sorry-pud- we can lay our 'ands on!

Race ya Add!

Liddy xxxxxx

Let me teach you how to get a man Liddy.
Phew, thought I was in trouble there, they got me mixed up with my cousin from the Italian side of the family. Managed to wriggle out of that one, and am I glad. I didn't fancy going all the way to Cuba again, the jails were awful, no soft loo-paper
We are having a great time in San Bran Addy. Dilly is working in a strange place though, some very odd people there, but she's happy doing her stripping. Elsie and me, well, we're off to see the island today. Hope she doesn't get locked up for any reason.
OHhhhhhhhhhhh, I've still got a whacking headache from that party in the cellar we had. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but.............
We had some good stuff though Addy, rich claret and a nice fresh white from the muscat grape. We are now known as the "Three Muscateers"
Hope you aren't bored to tears. Have one for me in the Purple Camel.
Bye for now.
Great Aunt May.

Don't take any advice from that Great May Liddy. She can get men by the bucketful but can she keep them and are any of them worth having? You need someone who is a bit of use around the place Lidd. You know; some one to chop the logs and bring you a cuppa in the small hours when you can't drop off to sleep.
Who is going to teach you to sing Lidd? Is it that nice Katyjay person? She thinks that my singing is remarkable and has never heard a voice like it in her life Lidd. Almost time to go to run through my Hovis Angelicus piece.
Good lunch at the Camel Upstairs wasn't it? I wasn't sure that you should have had bread and butter pud with the roasties and the gravy but if that is how you like it then that's fine by me. Gravy on your trifle was another thing though Lidd. I thought that the one spoilt the other.
Let's get to the chapel. You might find some tasty deacons there.

Cor darlin'! You don' arf sing that Hovis number bootiful, ya reelly do, Add. Bought a lump ta me froat don't mind tellin' ya. Fought I'd 'ave ta call fer fireman George, I was so choked up wiv emoshun. Shame ya ruined that Pea ay yay Sue though. Never mind- I'll be singin' it meself soon.

No, sweet. Katyjay ain't teachin' me ta sing. I asked 'er when we woz in Chester and she ran away screamin' 'er 'ead orf! What she do that for? I ain't that bad. Me man what taught me the piana teaches singin' an' all. Clever inny darlin'? 'Ope 'e don't run away screamin'.

Ain't ya never 'ad gravy on ya trifle? It's smashin' darlin', it reelly is. You should try it one day, ay? Me mum used ta say "Lidd- posh folk 'ave custard on their trifle- we 'ave gravy. It's just the same but a different colour." Weren't she a wise old duck, my mum, Add?

I couldn't eat anuvver fing swee'eart. I'm full up to the top of me 'ead. Fink I'll watch that Tiny Tony fella on the telly. 'E's diggin' up a field somewhere near you darlin'. Ope it ain't the field you drove me on sweet. You'll 'ave nowhere ta get stuck in the mud agen will ya? You gonna watch 'im wiv me darlin'? Come on then- I'll put the kettle on.

Liddy, That's my old Dobbin's field that he's digging up! Let's get out there and see what they are up to. Another chance for us to go on the telly Lidd! Quick, get your hat.

Cor-that was excitin' weren't it? I gave 'em me 'at fer that fing they burnt at the end! Did ya see me on the telly darlin'? I was pretendin' ta be one of them arkidiggertypeologists, when some bloke called me an iron age relic! I 'it 'im over the 'ead wiv me brolly darlin'! Bit nippy in Anglsey innit? You suffer from the wind up there don't ya darlin'?

I wonder if they'll come ta Kent? I'll stand at the back wiv a bitta carboard wiv "Watcha Add!" on it. Be sure ta look out for me won't ya?

Bit nippy in Anglsey innit? You suffer from the wind up there don't ya darlin'?


May.

Is there summink wot I sed amoosin' ya May, darlin'?

It is a bit windy here Lidd. That is on account of the fact that the wind is busy blowing a lot Great May! Where are you now anyway Great May? I thought that you had a show to put on. Has it been axed already May? I blame Daffy Down Dilly if it has.
Why was it that the Rev. wanted your telephone number Lidd? I saw him chatting you up after the service was over. He has a Mrs Rev. at home dear, so watch your step there Lidd. He has a reputation with the ladies and I wouldn't want you helping him to keep it that way.
Any news from that Bert yet Lidd? He'll be back like a bad penny soon I expect. Your Tiddles must be pleased to have his bowl back though.

Rev was admirin' me piana skills lovey, nuffin' else! Wants me ta play for 'im agen sometime. I do believe you's jellus!

Bert's gorn off wiv Dizzy Heights still. Wiv any luck she'll drop 'im from a great height an' all. Yeah Tiddles is pleased 'bout the bowl, just like your Dobbin when you gave 'im 'is nosebag back!

Good wiv your fingers are you luvvy????
You want to watch it with those reverend types Liddy, they are all do as I say, and not do as I do. Am I right or am I right Addy???
The show finished on Saturday night Addy, and we had a lovely pparty afterwards. Dilly is indeed in a "show", but not your type of show at all Do you know what "burlesque" means Addy. Google it
OOooooooohhhhhhhhh , I am being naughty tonight. Sorry.
Great Aunt May. who has had more than one glass of wine.

Blimey great May!! You gorn all squiffy like me! Where'd ya get ya wine then? I bin waiting all weekend fer that bloke what plays the sax ta get some in fer me. Can't rely on no-one these days can yer darlin'?
Glad to 'ear ya show was a massive flop success darlin'.

Filed down lolly sticks instead of proper reeds! And I fell for it......

That was a laugh Liddy! Those filed down lolly sticks looked really good! Did you see the colour that Barry Harry Parry turned as he tried to blow? All that wind and not a single squeak!
Once he got the thing going he was pretty good we must admit. I'm not at all sure that the crowd at the Purple Camel was ready for his particular style of progressive rock though. He did better with his tone row rubbish piece.

If he comes there again we'll let him play Shepherd Stuck on a Rock with us. You can write some better words if you like Lidd and then I won't have to sing that foreign stuff. When you play on that old Collard and Mallard piano at the Camel every one will think that he's out of tune because it's at least a semitone flat.

That Great May is drunk again Lidd. Two glasses and those old ducks really do make spectacles of themselves.

Your Bert still off with Dizzy then Lidd! Better without him, the skunk! Tiddles never liked him anyway. My Dobbin is glad to have his nosebag back but you must admit that it did make a great handbag in NY. I thought that it looked very designer.

What are you up to today then Liddy? I'm going to choose some songs for Spain.

We brought far more than two bottles back from the nappy valley. The cases alone needed a whole seat to themselves.

May sweet talked the chappie at thief-row customs (I think it was threatening to do her "let me entertain you" from "Gypsy" routine that swung it and we didn't have to pay a penny in duty)

Well I better get back to my salsa class...

Else

What are you up to today then Liddy? I'm going to choose some songs for Spain.
[/quote]
We brought far more than two bottles back from the nappy valley. The cases alone needed a whole seat to themselves.

May sweet talked the chappie at thief-row customs (I think it was threatening to do her "let me entertain you" from "Gypsy" routine that swung it and we didn't have to pay a penny in duty)

Well I better get back to my salsa class...

Else
[/quote]
Don't tell everyone my little secrets Elsi.
May.

Well, I've 'ad a bit of a day of it agen gels! I got called one of them cow fings by a bloke cos I asked 'im to move 'is van out me way! I was right mad, I was honest! I started singin' that "where's ya farver" song wot they sing at the footy. Well, I gotta practice me singin' wiv summink ain't I? Any ways, 'e soon gets in 'is van I can tell ya! That's the last time 'e messes wiv old Lidd!

Well darlin'. That Barry Larry Harry don't know nuffink does 'e? Fancy stickin' a lolly stick in 'is Cabi Net fing. 'E shoulda eaten the ice cream first eh Add? I'm gonna 'ave a right old time of it in Leeds wiv 'im ain't I? I got me work cut out good and proppa! Stroof darlin'.

What we gonna warble togevver in Leeds then? I'm gonna be right good by then. I fancy tryin' "Two Old Birds and a Lolly Stick". What d'ya reckon Add? I got the words all we need is a toon, swee'eart. I'd ask Harry but 'e probably wouldn't know nuffink. You gonna write a toon for us Add? Let me know ay darlin'.

Well, I'm right parched tonight. Me froats sore, I bin singin' so much. I'm gonna 'ave a cuppa. You want one Add?

No Liddy, I don't know an awful lot.....

Yes please Lidd. Bung us over a panad! I don't know what to choose for Leeds. That Skylark lady said that we could go though so it will have to be something really special. We were briliant at Chester and our next one will have to be even better. Have you noticed how that Barry Parry Clarry is doing a one man show there Lidd? He's doing the opening, the jazz band, the finale, the recorder group, the dandelion mastercalss, some ensembles, a song and dance routine, a solo on the double nose flute, (good thing that he had a double nose eh Lidd! Those mooses at Chester Zoo have got nothing on him!) a violin solo, a song, a trumpet concerto and a couple of recorder sonatas too. They had to ban him from playing Mule Train with a tin tray. There's no stopping him Liddy!
I am going to get my pink rinse re-done for Leeds as it looked so stunning in Chester. You might want to add a few more trimmings to your hat too Lidd. It looked a little thin if you don't mind me saying so. I like my new one. It has the three wise monkeys on the brim sitting in a row, except that three wasn't enough to go all the way around so I added a few more not so wise ones. One of them looks just like your ex-Bert.
Fancy an eccles cake Lidd?

......don't forget my ukelele solo in the style of George Formby with real lamp-post (for leaning on purposes).

Ooh - don't bring ya dog Larry! Skylark'll go mad if 'e goes up the lampost, if ya get me meanin' darlin'!

Ay Lidd. Shall we get Great May to play the part of the lamp post and then push her over half way through the song when he does the line "She wouldn't leave me flat" ?

She so drunk she be flat on 'er face anyway darlin'! 'Ow d'ya know Harry lives in a flat? Is that what he know's what we don't know but you seem ta know so 'ow come I don't know?

A flat Lidd? I thought that he just camped out in my limo when he could get hold of it. Did you know that he played the uke Lidd? Lots of fleas on him then!

No I diddun know, but I know now eh? Ta everso fer tellin' me darlin'. I dunno if 'e plays all these fings reelly- 'e ain't got enuff lolly sticks surely?

I think that he really does play all of those instruments Lidd but he's probably spreading himself a bit too thinly if you know what I mean Dear. A bit like that Bert of yours used to Lidd. He could have fun in a recording studio though couldn't he? He could play all of the different parts and there'd be no need of anybody else at all. Think of the money that they would save! The CD could be called "Barry Harry Parry plays with himself" or something along those lines. Would you buy a copy Lidd?
Let's have a snowball fight today Lidd. we can lie in wait for the postman and pelt him with the things when he goes to visit her at number twenty-seven.
We should do some practice for Spain too Liddy. Did you ever manage to translate that Alleluia song for me?

I Heard that Addy
May.

Bother! That Great May has got a new ear trumpet or something.

'Ere Add! Your gettin' away with murder you are! Wot Barry Harry Larry does in the privacy of 'is flat is no concern of yours! Poor Larry! Addys bin pickin' on ya summink chronic ain't she sweet? Come 'ere darlin'. I'll give ya a big 'ug. There- there it's ok - ya Aunt Liddys 'ere for ya darlin'.

Bless 'im. Nearly drowned 'im in the folds of me ample..well, we won't go there ay Add?

I'm gonna put the kettle on while I finish the words to ya Ally Loo-Ya. Be back in a minute darlin'. Wanna cuppa do ya Harry?

No, no, no Liddy! That's not what I meant at all! If he has that Great May in his flat pretending to be a lamp post then who are we to say anything against it Lidd?
I want my limo back Harry Parry and that's all about it. I might need it to go to that diplomatic thingy in Spain later on. It's got air conditioning Liddy, and we'll be wanting lots of that if you go mad on the garlic like you did in France.
Have you noticed that they never mention that Hudson brother person these days Liddy? You'd think that they would want to rescue him sometime soon but they seem more set on other things.
I had a call from my agent today Lidd. He has got me a part in an advert for pot poodles or something like that. Do you want to do it too? We'll get paid lots of money, I think.
Off to have a bath now Lidd. It is February already and I have one every year, whether I need to or not. I might give old Dobbin a shower tomorrow if I can get him some more louse shampoo. You used the last of it when you were over last. No flies on you now Lidd. Not like that Harry Parry! Have you ever heard him tuning up his uke? He yells "My Dog Has Fleas" at the top of his voice. You wouldn't think he would want to broadcast news like that would you Dear?

Bet your ample isn't as big as my ample.
And wots more is,...... wot Barry Clari Tarry and me get up to in the piracy of his apartment, ain't nothin' to do wiv' you. So there Wiv' nobs on, and bells ringing, and all that jazz
Start the car, I know a groovy spot, where the air is clear and the piano's hot...........

Great Aunt May, who's had 2 whiskies whilst watching "New Tricks".

Poor Larry- 'e ain't never gonna be the same agen. Wot wiv a flea ridden old dog and Great May in 'is flat. 'E'll be a quiverin' wreck like that Mary Sellest was after me Bert chased 'er round the garden 'alf a dozen times. D'ya remember Mary? All stern an' no bow she were. Always fulla sailors an' all. "Up with the Jolly Roger, boys, and swing her to the breeze" she was always shoutin' at the top of 'er mouf. No need to 'ave a fog 'orn wiv 'er around.

I'm off ta me bed. Tiddles 'as got it warm fer me so I sees ya all later.

Night gels. xx

Is that Great May drunk again Lidd? At least it will keep the cold out of her aged bones I suppose. I have bought a very large "With Deepest Sympathy" card for poor Harry Barry Parry today. He's going to need it if that May is not going to leave his flat! I had heard that he owns one of those penthouse things like we had in New York though, but his is on the ground floor. I hope that he has deaf neighbors.........it must be a nightmare living next to a one-man-band like him. Can you imagine the racket if he wanted to blow his flugel horn in the early hours?
I'm just about to take Dobbin to fetch some hay and a few bags of coal ready for the big freeze. If you are quick Lidd you could get yourself over here before it begins. Then we can share soup and lots of panads together in front of a blazing fire. Bring your Tiddles too, if he makes a good bed warmer. We can move him round from bed to bed on a rota system. I hope that he hasn't got as many fleas as Harry Clarri's dog!

I make a mean apple and parsnip soup, but would one of you dears tell me what on earth a panad is please
Larry Clari Barry is all of a fluster, don't think he's ever met anyone like me before Do you know he had the cheek to say he thought my red high heeled boots were a bit tarty
I'm popping up to the Purple Camel to see you all tonight Addy, I might sing for them too, maybe "The Black Velvet Band", did that one in a pub in Cornwall last year. ( Really did, my 13 yr old died under the bench , the 6yr old just danced )
Great Aunt May, on the way with soup.

'Ello sweet. Makin' 'ay while the sun shines ay darlin'? Don't blame ya sweet. It's gettin' right cold down 'ere an' all. We gonna get snow tomorra Add! Me an' Harry are gonna stay in the warm an' practice our bit fer Leeds. 'E sounds right clever, Add. Dunno if I'll be able ta keep up wiv 'im. Me 'ead'll be spinnin' round like a plate on a stick! A Lolly Stick! ha ha! Sounds like a song ta me "The Plate on the Stick goes Rahnd and Rahnd!" Hehe! I got the giggles agen Add. Must be the fought of spendin' time wiv young Larry. Gotta make sure Mays out the way. We'll tell 'er a Russian ship just come in. She'll be dahn the docks faster than Denny Kimble breakin' the land speed record.

Mind ya- if 'e's got a dog wiv fleas, maybe I'll be better off indoors seein' as I got enuff of me own.

I was finkin' about us in Leeds darlin' and the song we gonna warble togevver. What abaht "Me and Me Shadda?" or summink like that eh darlin'? I still wanna give me "Over There" to me adorin' public, but let me know what ya fink swee'eart.

By the way, when we off ta Spain then hen? Bin waitin' ages. Let me know that an' all will ya sweet?

Ta everso.
Gonna 'ave a cuppa tea now darlin'.
Laters luvvy
Liddy xxxx



A panad is a cuppa tea darlin' in Addys goo ga goff lingo! Right enuff abaht ya shoes sweet...

Well Lidd, looks as if we won't be seeing anything of you for several weeks if that Harry Barry the Clarry's reputation is all that it is cracked up to be. (Anything has to be better than your old Bert though.) Makes the girls promises, buys them engagement rings and then leaves them with nothing! Don't let him any where your etchings Dear, that's my advice. And mind his fog horn too!
Well, Great May, if Lidd is otherwise occupied it looks as if it is just me and you going to be set in for the big snow of 2007. Get yourself up here with your soup pan quick and we'll get cooking!
If we can dig ourselves out tomorrow we'll have an evening at the Camel. It is my usual spot there so we can do some duets if we can find anything to suit an aged opera singer and YOU! Got any ideas Great May? We could do the Cat's Duet. Last time Lidd and I did that there was a queue of ginger toms from the Camel to the next village!
I don't know where Daffy Down Dill and Sommat Else have got to. They were still touring America last I heard.
Right May, get on the nearest train and I'll meet you at the station with the horse and trap. And behave yourself! This is a very respectable village.

oh dear oh dear oh dear..........

I'm here I'm here I'm here.....

*thinks, 'walked straight into that one didn't I'*.......

I fink ya did darlin'!! Never mind eh? Now yer 'ere, there ain't no gettin out agen! HEHEHE cackle cackle!

He he he Liddy. Well done old bean. You did well there girl! I'll try to keep Great May out of the way. I'll tell her that the island is cut off by an iceberg or something. Make Harry one of your ginger cakes Lidd. That'll do the trick.

Has he called you "My Angel" yet Lidd?

Ooh yeah! Me ginger cakes are legendary Larry! D'ya know why darlin'? Cos there ain't no ginger in 'em!! Hehe! My old mum used ta say "Why put ginger in ginger cake when there ain't no wine in wine gums?" I fink I take after me old mum, don't you Parry?

No 'e ain't called me nuffink luvverly yet. Poor boys shy ain't ya Perry?

*eats cake*

This ginger cake....it tastes like....well.....lemons.

Have my taste buds gone funny?

Or does ginger not taste the same as it did in the old days?......

Oh dear Clarry- ya munchin' on me lemon scouring pad swee'eart!

*has a look at 'cake'*

Bleurrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!

[quote name='appleblossom' date='Feb 7 2007, 09:56 PM' post='460065']
[quote name='barry-clari' post='460056' date='Feb 7 2007, 09:46 PM']

Oh dear Clarry- ya munchin' on me lemon scouring pad swee'eart!
[/quote]

Clarry is chewing on a scrubber

May.

'Ere- you ain't too big for a clip round the ear ya know! Youngster's today! No manners! Play me a toon on ya clari Larry an' I might find it in me 'eart ta forgive ya, just this once, darlin'. Ta ever so.