When I was a little girl, my garden backed onto what is now called the Severn Valley Railway, I used to wave to the engine drivers.

Tut tut tut Ladies! I come down expecting to watching a nice, friendly game of cricket and what do find? Absolute chaos and mayhem, that's what! Lidd s chasing some poor fellow with a tape measure held aloft yelling "Let me at it, mate!", Great May running after anyone in cricket whites, Gerry chasing May around the pitch, some random streakers in the tea tent and not a ref in sight! Im off home for an early bath and supper infront of the washing machine! And I believe that Addy's old pal, Bryn, is going to all round too and I don't want to miss his visit. By the way Lidd, you might want to add a small but rather vital comma after that crickter Holding's name! Or, knowing you, maybe not!

Maddie Trams you old boot. I was not chasing anyone, I let them chase me
It's not really mayhem. Gerry is on about his off spin bowling Lidd is........ahem ........chasing Mole trying to measure him up for some knitting she wants to do ; and I was making the tea and cakes for the half time bash.

You'd need a large rucksack!

I like trains too...

I'd rather sit on the station platform at Arley than ride on the train. Then you can see them all steaming through.


THis one is just coming into the station.

'Ere May...don't get yaself all steamed up over a daft old train! What's in them yummy lookin' tart type fingies then?

'Ere Madd...I don't do "small" 'owever vital it is ducky! Hehehe!

I got meself some wool so I'll just sit quietly in the corner watchin' Freds wide bouncer.

I'm not at liberty to discuss with you the contents of the tarts Lydia.
Is your Fred a bouncer?

Honestly Maybeline Pole you is the daftest person I know you reelly reelly is the daftest person... Me Fred ain't a bouncer...'e's a bouncer ..tsk!...



An' I don't care what's in ya's old tart's you old tart bag.

Don't you get all stroppy with me you old boot. I KNOW about you............remember????
My tart recipe is a family top secret, and you can't have it
You should see what goes inbetween my meringues
Tea?

Did someone mention tea?

Here you are dear.

Ooh. Thank you! Has Liddy run off again?

If she has then I'll steal her panad.
Lovely day for it May!
May? MAY? MAY?????

Anyone seen Great May? She was with one of those cricketers a while ago, feeding him her tarts and admiring his stumps and things.

Lidd? Lidd? O dear! They are all leaving me in droves. Perhaps it is time for my 2009 shower.
I don't know though! It isn't october for ages. No, it can wait! I'll save water and help the planet.
I'll have a mug of gin. That'll be a good start. I don't want to use any more water than I have to.

Oy you old tart. I am not deaf you know No need to shout
I have not been looking at anyone's stumps,I have been baking for the next match.
Crumpet.

Ahh - cricket and crumpet . What more could a man ask for? You certainly know the way to a man's heart, May . I will tell that gedall fellow not to be so rude about you in future.
Gerry

*Lowersinth has emerged from Maddie’s pond and made her way to the match*

Lowersinth: I wanna play! How you play this game?

Its easy. Put simply, you have two sides, one out in the field and the other one in the pavilion. First they toss a coin to decide which team goes in first. That team goes out and the other team goes in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in then goes out. As soon as he is in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he finally is out, he goes in, and the next man in comes out and goes in, and so on….

At the very end, one of the men who was in will be not out. When they are all out (excepting the one who was not out), the side that was out comes in and the side that was in goes out, and tries to get those coming in, out.

There are two chaps called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

Lowersinth: Yup! Got that! Where do you want me to stand?

How about "Stupid Mid On"?

Lowersinth: Sounds good to me! I don’t want to be out for a duck though, I’ve just had a very bad experience with them!

Hehe! That's a very silly point ya made there Norm me old duck

*Ooops...should I be mentionin' ducks, ducky? Sorry duck dear. *

'Ere, Moley, ya's gotta bloomin' great grass stain dahn ya luvverly white trouses! Come ta Liddy an' she'll wipe it orf for ya's!

Was there really a need ta run away like that? I fink not ducky !

'Ere May...give us a crumpet there's a love. Ta everso.

Fred was certainly a big railway enthusiast when younger !
He used to spend hours trainspotting with those Ian Allen books full of numbers you crossed off when you saw the appropriate engine.
When steam finished trains weren't interesting any more, girls became more interesting at that time for him !

He was also a keen league cricketer, loved a bit of leg spin and googlies.

Ya's better not be so interested in them gels nah Fred...except ya's luvverly Liddy of course!



'E still does, if ya get me meanin' gels!

No one has expalined googlies yet

Here you are Lidd and Gerry. Crumpet.

And you join us here at Trent Bridge in the second over after lunch. Maddie Trams is bowling to Lydia Coal Bunker, left arm under the wicket…

…Oh! And that was a BAD miss!

Keeper May collects and returns the ball to Ms Trams, who scratches away at the ball with her fingernails, and commences another run up…

..and here are two ducks, flying in from the west, and circling round Ms Lowersinth, fielding at silly mid on. They seem to be chasing her off the field! How extraordinary! I don’t recall ever seeing such a thing before; do you, Bearded?

Bearded Wonder: John Player League – Somerset versus Warwickshire, 1968, Umpire Bird was attacked by a mallard, and Nottinghamshire versus Hampshire in 1947 - the game was abandoned after the scoreboard was eaten by a robin.

Thanks, Bearded, and as two more jolly red buses trundle past the gas holders which are now almost half full, I’ve just noticed that they are all heading for the pavilion. Did you see what happened, Bill?

No

Well how about some tea, then. We’ve been sent a cake by a Ms Gertya Hands Orvme. Have you ever seen such a dark red cake? I wonder whats in it?...

Beetroot cake! My favourite! This has th be worth an afternoon of this stupid game for.

Here you are May, try this link, it explains everything in simple terms http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googly

Oh no! not that sort of crumpet. It was kind of you to bake it, and I am sure it is delicious with all that Branston jam on the top, but .....it was the other sort I fancied just now.

Sorry Gerry dear, you've lorst me.............what other type of crumpet is there Unless you were refering to pikelets??


It's not Branston, but blueberry jam you plonker.

I looked at that Googlie stuff. Whenever my mate Bev has seen a right leg break, she puts it in plaster

This from Wikipedia will give you a clue:

The word crumpet in British English is also a term for a woman regarded as an object of desire. It was in this sense that humorist Frank Muir dubbed Joan Bakewell "the thinking man's crumpet" following her appearances in highbrow television discussion programmes such as BBC2's Late Night Line-up. The phrase has subsequently been used to refer to other women who are intelligent and good looking, particularly if they have a high profile in the broadcast media.

Does anyone round here comply with the words in bold?


A simple mistake and I get insulted!

Nice one, May

Lydia Coal Bunker is your woman...........very clever, wit as sharp as a scythe, and humorous with it
Why do you want Bakewell Tart, when you could have had pikelets with blueberry jam?

Quick Lidd, you keep him talking, whilst I get the men with the straight jackets
Are there men who think then??

I thought Lydia was Fred's woman - I don't want to get a black eye for stealing someone else's gal .

Joan Bakewell is not a tart, she is crump........Oh, I get it . Ha Ha, good joke May. I don't actually like bakewell tart - too almondy for me, I prefer pikelets, crumpets, and crumpet.

I never wear straight jackets, mine are all styled - they do more for my manly figure So you can send those men away again.

Are there men who think??? Men invented thinking. That's what got them into trouble in the Garden of Eden.

Oh you know Lidd, here today gone tomorrow

Men actually think do they..................how come they don't think to put a new loo roll on the holder, or ask the way if they are lost then??

If the loo roll runs out, then it is up to the next user to put a new one in. If it has already run out, then either use another loo, or postpone the performance. Now that's thinking!

But we do ask the way - if I am lost I will always stop and ask a nice young lady if she knows the way. But we men don't do that in front of any ladies in our car, hence the rumour has got around that we never ask the way.

Yooeee May an' Gerry! Pardon me fer interruptin' ya connvy connva chat! I do believe it is your turn ta get the runs Gerry! No, not after eatin' Mays' tarts, dear...I meant in the game a cricket what 'as just started agen. There's a fellar in the middle of the grass wot is lookin' a bit mad 'cos 'e's waitin' for ya's ta be 'is partner like.

Stroof May, if that's a sample of a finkin' man, give me Fred any day of the week! I says "'Ave ya cooked dinner Fred?" 'E says "I fink so Lidd." I says "'Ave ya done the shoppin' Fred?" 'E says "I fink so Lidd." See? 'E's finkin' all the time! Trade Gerry in fer anuvver model May. It's abaht time innit? Ya's bin wiv 'im fer a week. Must be a record fer you ay May?

You mean it is my turn to go in? Take my place at the wicket? Knock the bowler for six? Score a ton? Why did I think you knew nothing about cricket, Liddy?

Trade me in for another model?? . I am not for trading, I am worthless [or perhaps I mean priceless, I can't remember now I am so angry]. And there was I trying to be polite about you and Fred.

Huh!

I'm keeping my eye on you tootyflooty. I saw you flirting aid my Lid on those Leeds photos when my back wiz turned.

That's it....you tell 'im Fred! 'E's just insulted me abaht the cricket what I know quite a lot abaht reelly!

I'm right be'ind ya swee'eart....give me ya jacket though 'cos I just 'ad it dry-cleaned. Don't wanna get Gerry's blood on it do we?

He isn't mine Lidd.............just follows me around everywhere, like a spaniel.
Oh dear, Fred looks a bit cross.........Gerry , quick, get a bat and go and do some runs.

I'll give you bat, you old bat May . Just like all women. I give you a good time, you take me for all I've got and look what you do - you dump me . You can keep your rotten crumpets. With Branston pickle or whatever it is on them.

And as for you Liddy, after all that lovely music we made together I am shocked by what you say about me. I might have to start a new thread and tell the truth about what happened in Leeds...... . I hope you and Fred are happy being miserable together. Don't fret Fred - she's all yours.

Huh. Goodbye! I know when I am not wanted.

[Takes his bat and ball and goes to the pub where his friends are waiting]

Friends He has friends???
Hey Lidd, I reckon we;ve upset Gerry a bit. He was never mine to dump though.
Typical bloke though eh? Mention getting lost in Leeds and they get shirty
Is Fred still cross?? Fancy you having 2 chaps fighting over you. All I get is chaps fighting over my buns.

[Pretends not to be here]

[Thinks, I am going to bed now and I'll have a look in tomorrow morning to see if anybody has decided to say anything nice about me and ask me back. If not, I may have to mention who was actually navigating when we got lost in Leeds, and who actually found a brilliant way back to Headingley through knowing that bowlers bowl from the Kirkstall Lane end.)

Must remember to mention that driver was distracting me with conversation, so I missed the turning.

Gerry, you are bowling next. Get yourself out of the pub NOW

No doubt bowling another 'maiden' over !!

Hello May, I see you have a second slip and a couple of fine legs, but have you ever considered having a third man?

Just who had the idea of this village cricket match May? I’ll bet that it was Daisy cutter Daisy Chain! As for getting yourself a third man; well, May, it could be the best idea in a long time. You wouldn’t have the limited overs problem then Old Bean if you get my drift. There are some rather good looking ones on the off side that have got to be worth a second leg glance. If I were you I’d pad away over there to see what takes your eye. Don’t end up with a dead ball though. The stock bowler looks as if he might be your type. (Standing, breathing, nice outfit, own hair and teeth) I’d check him out! Ferret around and see what you think. He could turn out to be a bit of a dolly though so approach with your usual caution.
I’m off to the pavilion for a panad and another slab of the beetroot cake.
Does anyone actually know the score or isn't there one?

The conversation was actually the words "Please tell me which road we want next."

OK I will go to the bowler's end - do I get the new ball?. I hope Fred is batting, so that I can try to have him caught in the gully . Then I will position some extra cover for Lidd and May so they can cope with the leg glances. If they ask nicely I will show them my doosra but only if they don't go near the long on boundary. We may need to reposition the screen for this as we don't want anything behind the bowler's arm. I hope the wicket keeper doesn't break the law while he is trying to break the stumps, otherwise we may have to bail him out of prison. Now we don't want to see anything dropped in the field - you must hold all your catches. May, I think it is time you went to the hairdressers, so I have booked you in after the end of the match so that you can have a late cut.

I will be asking questions later about the rules of cricket - you must therefore do some revision because I don't want anyone to be stumped for an answer.

Score Ratty? I wish I could score

'Ere Gerry...you's watch where you're lobbin' that ball! I'm very fond of Fred's gully ta all the same. An' I certainly don't need no extra cover..I'm well covered enough as it is!

Anyways, I don't needs you or no-one else. I got meself a luvverly Yorker!

Anyone for tennis?

I'm better with the strawberries and cream

Yes, while you were turning right and I was looking wistfully at the turning to the left and saying, I don't think this is the right way

Is anyone going to speak English in this thread again??

A third man eh? Not on your nelly, googly or whatever you want to call it. Men are trouble, and I'm right orf them at the moment.

Ah that explains it - you were looking to the left and I didn't hear what you said because of the hearing problem I was having that weekend . But look on the bright side, I recovered brilliantly to show you the Kirkstall Lane end of Headingley stadium - the home of cricket in Yorkshire. We wouldn't have gone that way if I had turned left and you wouldn't have had your first lesson in cricket .

English??? What could be more English than cricket??? Where were you brought up May? If you weren't off men, I would offer to give you some extra coaching in understanding the game of the master.

Maybe Liddy is right - shall we move over to tennis now that Wimbledon is approaching? That will cause a right racket round here. Does anybody have the guts to do that?

Sounds lovely. After the cricket match is finished, then we could all play tennis. Cucumber sandwich anyone?

Strawberries and cream, strawberries and cream, strawberries and cream, strawberries and cream...

Basil, you forgot the strawberries and cream.