oops



OK, thanks!

Maddie Trams passes large panad to Harry.

Here Harry! Best Welsh tea with just a touch of black pepper, just as you like it.

Well, it'll wake me up...

May is no where near that hotel.

If you thought you felt an earthquake this morning Lidd, it was Harry Parry sneezing after his Panad.

Well, it weren't nuffin' ta do wiv me an' Fred, dear. I woz dahn 'ere an' 'e woz in a notel. Bloomin' cheek eh May? Wot's 'e doin' in a notel? I'll give 'im a wallop shall I? Good plan innit?

Kettle's on.

Who was he with dahling? It wasn't me, because I'm orf men for good. Nothing but trouble they are.
Except for that cute Aussie bowler Guess what Lidd, he asked me to go to Aussie land with him. Says he has a sheep farm, and kangaroos.

Good fer you gel! I might just join ya's I say I might just come wiv ya's May! Be a laff won't it? When we orf then?

What's up wiv the fella's 'ere then May? Run aht of noo ones 'ave ya dear?

So many and so little time dear. Well as they say, been there , done that, got one of those awful t-shirts...............although as you know, I only wear Chanel suits.
Bruce does have a friend, called Shane...........a 6 footer too.
We have a few days to make up our minds. They will be back this way and we can go too.
What do you think Liddy?

Ooh...dunno duck. Seems alright...what abaht me Fred though? Mind ya..if 'e's gonna spend nights away, 'e probably won't give a four X where I am. Shane sahnds a bit nice an' all...

Let's ask the gels at the Camel on Satdy night eh?

OK Dahling. Mwah, mwah. Night Lydia.

"Mwah mwah"? Is that Aussie lingo then May?

'Night night ducky xx

It was a kiss you great oaf

Ta everso ya great plantpot!

May! Liddy! Are you two thinking of leaving me on my own and running away to Australia then? Whatever will I do? How will I cope?

Thinks for a few moments!

Actually, I think that it is a great plan! You will have a wonderful time there, frying yourselves in the sun and flinging boomerangs about. Go for it! You look like a pain of kangaroos anyway so you'll fit in well there and May will get used to the warm beer very soon.

Go for it May! Maybe that "cute Aussie bowler" will be able to teach you a thing or two.

[About cricket, I meant ]

What else could he possibly teach old May??

Liddy is going nowhere without me ! Not even with May !

Ya's say the sweetest fings Fred. Ya's gotta make it worff while me stayin' though ducky! Or ya's could come wiv us! Fink abaht it an' let me know dear!

You tell him, Lidd! That Fred the lesser has been hanging around for long enough, old bean. Time that he made an honest old bird of you and a dishonest one of himself. As for Great May, I think that she would have a winford of a time in Oz. Gerry might miss her a little for a day or two but he'll have that rather nice, refined Bev to play flute duets with. May was a bit of a pie for these parts. (Or should that be tart? I never remember!) She'd be better off with that big bowlerman. Will you have a leaving party in the Camel, May? Can I come? I'll bring a nice cake.

I am leaving for sunny climes.
Yes, a party is what we'll have. When shall we do it?
May

A day or two?? That long??? . As for Bev, I have never met her - Gerald said I shouldn't because I can't play the flute like what he can, I can only play the gramophone. Anyway, I hear she is not a rich widow - now if you know anybody like that please introduce me to her. . (Are you a rich widow, Maddie....... )

Maddie is VERY rich Gerry. Just your type. Fur coat and no ********.

That sounds great already!

I do like crossword puzzles - is the number of asterisks the same as the number of missing letters? I wonder what Maddie doesn't have any of .

You'll just have to work it out with your superior intellect. If you can do cricket rules you can do this.

I shall return to the party at a later date.

[Gerry goes off to find a dictionary...]

Is it "fur coat and no cardigan" by any chance? I think Maddie comes from Wales....

I won't be drawn.

Now, is that a clue? Maybe something to do with cricket rules? What's another word for match drawn? Rain stopped play...Bad Light..."Fur coat and no badlight". No that doesn't make sense. If the match is drawn there is no winner.

That must be it - "Fur coat and no champion" .

Won't work

May you old tart! I have just Googled "Fur Coat and no" and it comes up with an expression that you could have created . I am too embarrassed to repeat it here, but I believe it has something to do with ladies underwear . Well I am shocked, and you had better be careful not to use that language when you pass through Aussie Passport control or they might not let you in .

Here is another tip for you. If you see a sign in a club that says "No thongs allowed" don't get too excited - it means flip-flop sandals in that country! I found out when I offered to be the inspector on the door .

We've already done undies Gerry.............see page 24 of the OLTVA.

Page 24???? Wasn't that before I was born? .

Dear OLTVA,
Lidd and I are having a lovely stop over in Hong Kong. It's tricky with Lidd here, as she keeps screeching "Hong Kong Phoooey" at the top of her voice, but I think generally people realize that she is 2 bars short of a symphony, and are very understanding.
Off to have some silk suits made later.
Then cocktails at 6 pm.
Best Wishes
Great Aunt May and Liddy.

Dear All
'Ere's May lookin' somewhat bewildered at the airport. Poor fing pretend's ta know some King Kong lingo, but "two fried noodles and chips" ain't gettin' us nowhere. Good job I got me frase book wiv me innit? Shame it's a German one, but ya never know eh? We might get ta the 'otel sometime before we is dead.

Missin' you's already.

Love Lidd xx

PS May smells summink chronic.

Pleased to know that you two old reprobates are having a good time. Is it difficult to find a good Chinese Take-Away in Hong Kong?

I have just sent an e-mail to Sydney Airport to warn them that you are coming...

What a pity they've gone so soon, as I am off there for real in January !
If they have been misbehaving , my spies will tell me in due course

Nice postcard

*wonders if they've arrived in Australia yet*

*and if the authorities know they're coming*

They do know, Barry, because I have e-mailed ahead to the Sydney Airport officials! They said they would put the whole country on full alert .

I saw Bev today (for our Music Playday) and she said she hadn't heard anything from May either, apart from the Hong Kong postcard (which is rather big on the screen isn't it? But very nice all the same.)

May always does everything big though doesn't she?
Beverley.

Dear All,
Just a line to say we got into Australia quite easily. Our disguises worked a treat.



Don't we look respectable?
Safely at the farm now, and Lidd is comfy in the barn with the chooks.



She's been knitting.

Love May and Lidd.

Well I would have thought you two would have looked just a tiny bit happier now that you are in the land of sunshine! . At least you won't need any advice on "covering up" in the hot sun, will you? And you will save a fortune on suntan lotion.

I am so glad they let you in, though. I was dreading having to go to the airport to bring you back home again . It must be what I told the Aussie Airport Officials about you ......

Take care of the chickens and the sheep, watch out for the kangaroos and wallabies ("they are a dangerous breed, mate") and keep away from the lifeguards on the beach - they are not to be distracted from the valuable job they do looking out for sharks, and people who are in real danger.

*overheard in Sydney Immigration HQ*
Strewth, Bruce! You let those two in????
Course Mate! Didn't you recognise them? It was the Kray twins in drag!
Fair dinkum!

Lidd, old bean, do you think that you could post my passport back to me sometime soon? I rather fancy taking a trip to somewhere hot and sunny myself. I might even join you two in Oz if you can find me a nice little house and garden for the next few months.

It's hot enough here today...

But not here it isn't! We have a heavy mist over everything and no sign of it burning off yet. Anyway I fancy putting a few big snakes inside May's double bass.

Why would you want to do that?

In memory of my late sister, Addy. I feel that it is what she would have wanted.

I see...

She was very much an egg short of a dozen though, wasn't she?