You've knit me a hat!

Well, you'll look a real knit wearin' that 'at an'no mistake, Freddy Bach!

As to finding' the public 'ouse our Prude, it's a luvly place innit! Ever so friendly and welcomin' they was, in there.
An' I got us a bookin' an' all! They 'as been let down by their regular singer so I told 'em as we'd do it. We are goin' to form a girl band over the next few days 'coz we've got a bookin' on Sat'dy night down the Camel!

We are goin' to be called Girls are Loud. Good name innit! You are in, Prude and we'll round up another one or two by then.

Count me in. And Lowersinth, too

Well im back from me olly day gels!
Ill just sit ere in t'corner and finnish me knittin.

That's very kind of you, calling me a great banana. I'd think I was an average banana at best

Hello Gert!
Good to see you back. Are you going to join Bloddy L's new girl band "Girls are Lewd"? I've written a special beetroot song, 'specially for them:

I'l beetroot to you, if you'll beetroot to me, la, la, laaa,

Lowersinth
P.S. Can you help me distribute some of these leaflets?

Speakin' o beetroot, anyone for stir friend beetroot?
Its a new recipe, here you go dagwood, try some.


Oh dear, something's wrong with Dagwood!

Sounds of huffing and puffing...

Stroof you bloomin' useless lot of useless lots of people! I got meself back from Awstrahlia all by meself 'cos May 'as gorn an' got 'erself bitten by a danjerous snake type fingy what was fahnd in 'er Straddy Whatsit an' is nah lyin' in an 'ospital wiv tubes stuck where tubes diddun oughta be wiv the docs runnin' rahnd sayin' it don't look good for 'er an' she might go an' die on us (May never did look good let's face it ) so's I made me way 'ome. Ain't no use bein' there by meself is it?

Ta everso fer comin' ta pic me up at the airfield ya great lazy lot. Me baggage weighs a bloomin' great ton...





Flippin' 'eck I needs a cuppa an' I needs it nah. An' I needs ta soak me feet an' all. Me poor old bunions are frobbin' like somefin' what frobs a lot...



By the way, get well soon May luvvy.

Bloddy L answers a knock at the door of Maddie Trams' cottage where she is presently residing.

'Ello luv, an' 'o may you be than if it isn' askin' too much then? Liddy! Well well, I've 'eard an awful lot about you, that I 'ave! You was a friend of my late pal, Adeline Nuffield Owen, Addy Nuff Now as was! Not now she isn't of course bin as wot she's gone an'died on us isn' It! Good friends we was way back when we sang leadin' roles together. In all the best celebrety concerts we was, me an' Addy.

Wanna panad? You looks as if you could do with on an' all.

By the way, I 'ope you don' mind me mentionin' it, but those feet of yours look terrible!

Liddy! It's, errr, lovely to see you back again . Pity you weren't able to stay longer in Oz, though.

I mean, you seemed to be enjoying it, what with all those firemen and lifeguards and all. Didn't you find anyone to take care of you, or did your feet put them off??

So May's ill is she? Now, we may have had the odd scrap or too, and I might just have given her the wrong impression that I was only after her money, but I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. Not bad like a snake bite, anyhow. Is Australia very far away then, only I might have gone to visit her in hospital..... On the other hand, it would be a dreadful waste if she passed away while I was still trying to get there, wouldn't it? I mean, all that expense and all. Perhaps I had better send her a card, what do you think?

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely time with Bloddy, but try not to get on her nerves, won't you?

Cooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeee. I'm back.

I got better from my snake bite, and missed you all so much that I came home. I have a bone to pick with Lydia Coal-Binker though. She left me in my hour of need and I had to make do with that lovely surgeon.



Great Aunt May.

PS. Who's this Big Prude woman.

*runs, very fast*

POSTCARD FROM OZ
To whom it may conser konc conkern To you lot!

Having a great time here in Oz now that Lidd and May have gone back. The weather is better here than in Anglesey and so are the men. Flab looks so much nicer when it is suntanned!
I have adopted May's double bass, removed the snakes, and have had three lessons on it. I am playing it on the beach each day to attract the dolphins and to ward off any passing sharks and it is working a real treat.

Don't bother to send my passport back Liddy. I'm staying put!


Love

Maddie Trams.

RIP
Gert
Died Today.

Wasn't Gert that awful old trout who used to sabotage recipes? What did she die of then? A surfeit of beetroot perhaps.

RIP by the was, Gert!

Obituary in Australian Newspaper.

It is with sadness that we report the sad passing of Maybeline Ponsonby-Smythe.
Age 75 and from Blighty, she was a music hall star in her younger days, specializing in " My Old Man Said Follow The Van".
An expert in men the double bass and trumpet, May was a character who exuded sax appeal and a vunerability which hid her loneliness in her later years.
May was from an upper crust family which lorst it's money in the great depression in the 1920's.
We hope she will rest in peace, although she did mention a haunting Miss Lydia Coal-Bunker.

Now I am confused again . I never really understood much about this thread to be honest.

So just when I was wondering if May and Big Prude were ever going to meet, and if so would it be like matter and anti-matter meeting (ie a big bang) we learn that the Aussies think May has passed away.

And another thing - I am not sure I could face the idea of this country having both May and Prude at large, so perhaps it is time I went to Australia.

[Mutter, mutter, mutter]

I wonder why no one speaks to me?? May

How can I put this so that you won't be upset?

Because, May dear, you are no longer with us, you have passed on, you are an ex-May. I do believe that is why you are writing in purple lettering, but then again I could be wrong. Try talking to one of those other purple letter writers.

[Could someone tell me why I am doing this? Am I a happy medium, or something?]

S'alright May, no one talked to me when I was alive!

Dear Madd,
Righto duck. I'll stick it on that shop fingy on the web thing an' see 'ow much I can get fer it.

Love Lidd x


Aww...see ya then Gert. Can I 'ave ya's hat wiv the roses on? I don't like it, but I can stick the roses on me noo dress fer May's fooneral. I won't be comin' to yours dear. I gotta 'ave me bunions seen to.



Stroof May! I can't cope wiv you's an' Lavvy an' Norma all hauntin' me. There ain't enough room in me shed fer meself let alone you's lot.

Do I still live in the shed? I can't remember. I got meself all confused since I got back from Awstrahlia. Musta bin 'cos I've bin underneaf the weld...blood's gorn ta me 'ead a bit.

Kettle's on.

Gorn orf am I. Let's have a go then. Then I can get that Lydia Coal-Bunker back for leaving me in my hour of need
Wwhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Sneaks in and makes the kettle blow up.

Whhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Groan, groan.

Clanks chains and moans.

Lavvy dahlink. I am here. Great May is here to keep you company. Where is my friend Addy Nuff and Gert too ?

Gordon Highlanders! What's that bloomin' great din? What's up wiv me kettle? 'Ow come it's on the floor? Is that you May/Lavvy/Addy/Norma/Gert?

Me friends 'ave all gorn! I'm 'ere by meself...ain't no one but me an' the pianer what was built in Wiggy's time.

Ah well, I can watch whatever I want on the wireless an' wash me undies in the microwave an' there ain't no one ta tell me orf abaht it!

I better still 'ave me Fred though....Fred? Where are ya's Fred?

Don't worry Lydia. You are never alone , I am here to guard your morals.
Big Prude.

no you bloomin' well can't!
*excuse the pun!*

I'd forgotten abaht you's Great Prude! 'Ave we met yet dear?

*Stroof there goes me peace an' quiet!*



I don't needs ya silly old 'at, Gert! I finished mine nah! I's gonna look absolootly bloomin' luvverly an' no mistake! Can't wait fer ya's fooneral May dear!

POor May.
She's got no one to do her arrangements except you Liddy.
What sort of "do" do you have in mind Lidd?
Big Prude.

Psst.. May... pssst... I'm ovver 'ere lass... I'm 'iding. I don't want to be seen 'ere cos some people think I'm right sensible yer know 'an I don't want ter blow me cover...

Eee but I'm enjoying meself right enough - I've just got back from a spot of hauntin' in Liverpool - there were some chappie playing wi' 'is organ - in full view of t'public, mind - an' I thought I've got to put a stop to that so I started blowin' down 'is pipes an' twiddlin' his knobs - eee it were right fun, that it were I thought I saw our Liddy's Fred there an' all - an' 'e were sitting wi' another woman, a right fancy piece she looked, an' she kept wavin' to t'organist as well, tryin' to catch 'is eye, if yer know what I mean May. Well course yer know what I mean - you bein' a woman of t'world an' all that. 'Cept yer not now, are you, yer up 'ere wi' me!

Eeee nice to see yer lass, sit thissen down an' I'll mek you a nice cuppa 'ome-made gin and you can tell me all t'news from down below


Lavvy

This is the strangest thread ever! Could somebody explain it to me perhaps. Maybe it is based on a television programme.

'Eh up our kid. Oh I say old flower, I did a bit of Yorkshire.
THe news from down below, eh?
Well, Maddie Trams has gorn orf to Oz, and is strutting her stuff on the beach in full view of the Lifeguards, I hope she gets what she wants, if you get my meaning.
Harry Parry is still playing his tuba, and occasionally has a thing with Winford the Whale, they go sailing together.
Gert died last week, have you seen her yet?
Gerry, well, where shall I start? After anything in a skirt with money. 50p and he's anybody's.
Lydia is a conumdrum canomdram, puzzle. Off to Oz, and back again now, taking up with Big Prude whoever she is. Who is she Lavvy? Is she like me??
Fred, well he's after Liddy all the time, only he never seems to get there. I bet there's a Mrs Fred somewhere in the background, mark my words.
Who's this chappie twiddling his knobs then?
Now I'm up here with you. We can wreak havoc.
More practise.
Wwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Gorn

My dear loung lady, I heard you the first time, although I am no wiser. I love your signature too.

The big problem HenryJ, as I found out to my cost, is that there is nowhere else but on this thread to ask what it is all about - and the majority of the people who post here are raving nutters! Catch 22 - I rest my case.

I think it is true that if the lettering is coloured, then the character making the comments is, how shall we say, dead. But it took me months to find that out, and even then, more dead ones are emerging all the time (like Gert, who is new to me).

I would now like to quote The Old Lady, but due to a technical problem with the size of the window, I can't actually get to the Quote button. But here is what she May wrote:
Gerry, well, where shall I start? After anything in a skirt with money. 50p and he's anybody's.
Henry, Gerry is my twin brother, who gets me into all sorts of problems. But he is really quite innocent. He is not going to get a pension when he retires, so he is simply looking to his future and hoping to make it comfortable for himself by finding a lady who has a bit stached away that he can help her to spend. He mistakenly thought that a "lady" with the name Maybeline Ponsonby-Smythe might be a bit, well loaded, but it seems she has lost it all. So this little pastime of his has earned him the reputation as copied above - entirely unreasonable, don't you think? .

The other little difficulty I have with Gerry is that he has found out my log-in name and password, so it is not always possible to decide who is actually posting in this thread, him or me. But he knows he is totally forbidden from posting anywhere else on this Forum.

Oh my. When did May die?!?!? Why did nobody tell me?! *sobbing*

Well I ain't seen Gert 'erself, but I keep seein' jars o' beetroot appearing from nowhere so maybe our Gert's around somewhere

I tell yer May, that twiddly-knob chap were a right woodentop. After he'd finished plonking away on that organ, a right nice lady came up to 'im and asked 'im what song he'd been playing an' 'e went bezique mad 'e did, mad I tell yer, May 'E jumped up and down on t'lady's hat and shouted "it's not a song you daft bat, it's a toon I tell yer, a toon " I tells yer May, I had to go and hide up in t'loft I were so frit. Anyways after that, Fred and 'is fancy piece went off with the woodentop chappie an'.... oh I can't tell yer no more, May, it's more than me wings are worth

Eh anyway, May, who's that 'Enery chap down there - it looks like he can 'ear you, has he got the gift d'ya think Try hittin' 'im as well May, see if 'e can feel you too - go on, give 'im a wallop

Yooeee Hen, me old duck! I am Lydia Coal (no hyphen) Bunker! Are ya gonna join us then swee'eart? Now May 'as gorn an' got 'erself dead, I might 'ave a chance wiv the fella's rahnd 'ere if ya's get me meanin' dear! I'm wiv Fred sometimes then 'e goes orf an' i don't see 'im fer days an' mumffs! That ain't sa good is it Hen?

I'll sing ya's a song in your honour dear...

"I'm 'Enery the aiff I am I am I'm 'Enery the aiff I am!"

Good ain't it swee'eart? Gonna join us in the Camel are ya Hen ay Hen are ya Hen? Goodo!

Can I come too?

Actually, stuff the question mark - I'm coming whether you like it or not dear! Ha!

Yoohoo Geronimo! 'Aven't sin ya here for a while dear! Alright are ya then Jen? We's goin' to the Camel on Fridy like what we normally do. Be good ta 'ave a night aht ay?
If 'Enry comes, don't lay a 'and on 'im or I might 'ave ta give ya's a wallop!

Well, I eloped with a solicitor to Morishus(sp?) for a while, but he sort of...erm... like... died so I found myself aboard a massive boat type thingy sailing back to Wales via New York. Of course, the captain and I fell madly in love so I stayed with him on the boat for another round-the-world trip but when we stopped in Wales again he bloomin' ran off with a fish wife from down t'harbour and here I am.

Gosh, out of breath now, I am!

Panad? I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

Ooh I say! 'Owever did ya manage to walk wiv all them coconuts then Jan? Ya coulda done yaself a mischiff dear.

Ya story sahnds right nonsense interestin' ducky. I'll 'ave a panad wiv ya's an' you's can tell me all abaht it ay? Don't be long though, cos me favarit programme is on the wireless tanite.

Ok sweet.

Have you ever been bit by a bird?

Errrr....can't say as I 'ave me old duck!

I got bit by Stoopid Bert once! Put me in 'ospidal for a week! When I got aht, I put 'im in 'ospidal fer a mumff! Hehe! Serves 'im right ay dear?

It's right good talkin' ta ya's agen Janice! I've missed ya's I really 'ave!

Where did ya say you've bin gel?

A month?! What did you do to him? Tell me you didn't make him eat your carrot cake...

I've been in sunnier climes Lidd! I don't know how to spell it though! There was a beach if that's any clue to you? I'll take you there sometime, eh?

May wallops 'Enery rather hard around the chops, runs orf and hides.

YOur wings are worth something?? Don't let Gerry hear you.
Go on, you can tell me, I am the soul of discretion. Geddit?
MAy

Well I s'pose I can tell you May, cos you's me pal... but don't go tellin' no-one else, will ya, specially that Gert cos she's a right tittle-tatler she is...

So as I were saying like, I saw Liddy's Fred and that fancy piece and the woodentop chappie all go into that Fellah-monica pub. Well Fred an' Woody got to comparing their organs, yer know - like they do - so the fancy woman goes across to this Fellah-monica Hall across t'road which was full of fellahs an' lots of poles all ovver t'place An' I thought, what a daft place to put them poles, if she's not careful, she'll bump into em' and 'urt herself. So I didn't know what to do then May - whether to keep an eye on this woman and all them fellahs an' them poles, or go an' see if Fred and Woody were still nattering about them knobby things which these organists keep fiddling around with. Anyways, whilst I were still wond'ring what to do, in they both come looking for this blinkin' woman. An' she were nowt special May - common as muck and bold as brass is what me granny would have said, and me granny knew a thing or two about... you know, May... that sort o' woman...

Eee I'm gettin' right parched lass... shall I put a brew on afore I tell you what 'appened next, I've got a nice barrelful of Tetleys 'ere...


Lavvy

Go on then. Now we've got the tea poured........
What did the old tart lady do then?
By the way Lavvy dearest, which one had the largest organ?
Still haven't seen Gert OR Addy. Are they on a different cloud?
Does Norma ever get up here, or has she still not got her licence back?
May.

Sorry ladies!
I was in 'ospitol for a bit, that old hen mentioned liddys carrot cake!
Oh god, i hope she don't go to let me cat out, i were using a slice of it for a door wedge!

Hello Gert. Sorry you were in hospital, and a shame you didn't get better eh? Never mind, you can have fun with us now.
Wonder what Lidd will say when she sees your doorstop?

Tea? Who said owt about tea? Up 'ere, a brew is summat what yer get from brewery, an' when Tetleys brewery in Leeds closed down, it moved up 'ere lass

I knew you'd be dying to know (oops nearly forgot, you're dead already ) about their organs, but yer know what May, I never got to see 'em. They talked about 'em right enough, but yer know what they're like, May... all talk, aren't they lass

Anyways, now to get back to this story... I think this fancy woman that 'ad been sitting wi' Fred, I think she must 'ave been the cleaner at this Fellah-monica place cos she were wipin' the poles clean wi' her blouse, like. They must 'ave been 'ard up for dusters or summat. Then suddenly Fred went as white as a sheet - looked as if he'd seen a ghost, he did. But it weren't me what he'd clapped eyes on, it were one of t'other cleaners who were wiping t'pole with 'er skirt, 'cept she'd worn it out an' there weren't much left of it. And he suddenly dashed out like the wind out of an organ pipe, muttering summat about his wife. Well if that were 'is wife, May, he's two-timing our Liddy, that's for sure Anyways with 'im gone, there were just that Woody chap left... oooo but are sure yer want to know, May, it's a bit 'X' factor, if yer get my meaning, like...

By t'way, May, I 'aint seen that 'Enery chap since you walloped him on t'backside. Yer don't think yer scared 'im off, do yer?...