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I have three children and know all about the misery that not getting on with a teacher can bring.
I'm sure someone else can give practical advice - I just wanted to comiserate with you.

Why don't you make an appointment to see this teacher to discuss the problems face to face? Your poor son should not be the go-between and she really should not pass on messages of that sort. Perhaps you will be able to sort a few things out. If not I would consider a change of teacher. Are there no others at the school? If not perhaps he could have private lessons outside school. It might help if you could meet with the head of music also. You could explain how unhappy you are with this teacher's methods with regard to the forthcoming concert etc. It seems a very unkind way of getting the lad to practise if he is under threat of a concert. It could take a lot of the fun out of his music studies. Most students prepare for concerts well ahead. One week's notice is unfair. But of course there are always two sides to every situation. It would be interesting to hear the teacher's viewpoint too.

There is apparently another teacher at the school but the scholarship complicates things I think. My perception has always been that we are expected to be grateful for having this particular teacher (& I do think that she has strengths). This teacher is closely connected to the head of music & I think that that also complicates matters.

I'm sure that the teacher would give a different view - but the written messages are a matter of record & I don't think she realises the upset caused by messages like todays.

If by 'closely related', you mean wife/husband, then you are entitled to ask for someone else to be present at your meetig with the head of music. You should also consider contacting your son's head of year (ie someone who has your son's best interest at heart, but is not so close to the music department that they can't be objective) to talk through the problem. I've seen problems like this escalate to the point where normal relationships and communications breakdown entirely, and that has serious effects on your sons work outside the music department (ie, his GCSE's). Whilst the music department will always have the "we're paying for this, so we expect value for money", you are also paying the rest of his fees, and you have a right for your son to be doing his best outside the music department without the stress of worrying about his lesson from week to week.

I just wonder if the following is possible:


you write that he is resting on his laurels and the teacher takes this as a hint you want her to nudge the kid back into practising

when she does and you are angry about the way she does it she gets VERY defensive because she was doing what she thought you wanted!


at the same time you son is at a dodgy age yes? kevin the teenager? at this stage/age of his learning he needs to be so much more self-responsible for practise and the content of practise. I suspect that being 'on report' is a way of the teacher trying to help him be more independent and to practise intelligently, not just playing things throughg. I am guessing that your son is supposed to fill in the report sheet and you are supposed to sign it not monitor the detail - that is for him to learn to do.

TALK to the teacher is the answer!

Having been through a similar situation with my younger daughters flute teacher I can honestly understand the confusion you are feeling. The thing that hurt me most was the mixed messages the teacher gave my child. You at least know your son has talent and potential he wouldn't be on a scholarship if that wasn't the case. I assume you have also talked to your osn about how lucky he is to be in this situation.

My older teenage daughter sometimes fails to recognise how much work she needs to do to excell at a given task, and I always try to guide her. It may well be that you do similar with your son. What does he say about where he thinks things are going wrong?

At this stage you really need a face to face talk with the teacher, you might be able to work things through together. Ultimately I couldn't resolve things with my daughters Flute Teacher the problems went much deeper than was at first evident. I have since found out she has behaved oddly with other pupils, it tends to be the one's who make the fastest progress.

Your priority has to be your son and what is best for him but you might have to dig around before you decide what that is.

Oscar,

My son's music teachers are very demanding and the music department is outstanding. I go out of my way to support them, transport kids to rehearsals, organise sleepovers etc.

Nevertheless, I've always found that you have to take a professional and strong approach. There has to be mutual respect for each party. Without the teachers, your son doesn't get the tuition, and without you, the teachers get less money coming in.

You should make a list of all the points you've mentioned and ask for a meeting to resolve all of these issues.

The term 'on report' has a very negative and scary sound for me, but that's probably because in my school, being 'on report' was a sort of probation period which could result in very severe punishment!

Please, please, sort this out. So many parents seem scared of contacting teachers, yet you're paying their salaries!!

Also, keep it very polite and make every effort to stay on good terms, but do put everything in writing!!

You would not believe what a difference it makes.

Steve

I agree with other posters who have advocated speaking to your son's teacher. I think this should be done asap. However, I think that you should approach with caution because sometimes you can get a really brusque response simply because you have caught the teacher in an off moment and this would defeat the objective of the meeting before it started!

I think that if I felt it was necessary to go into school, I would write to request a joint appointment with the instrumental teacher, the head of music and the form tutor, or whoever is responsible in general for your son on the pastoral side, because then he/she will be aware of any other comments by other members of staff about your son's work. Such meetings should be documented by the school and a record kept, but I think that I would also put in writing what I felt were the outcomes of the meeting.

This seems like a sledgehammer to crack a nut, but sometimes it's best to have everything out in the open. Be quite straight - did the teacher misunderstand your note about sitting on his laurels - after all he was unwell, and clarify exactly what practice she is expecting at this stage of your son's musical career - is being on report a punishment etc etc. Equally if you do this, your son will know where he is, and so will you.

It is unprofessional of a teacher to criticise you in front of your child. That does not give me confidence in sorting it out with her..... Perhaps it would be best to take it to the head of the school. My experiance of schools is that nothing happens if it is a case of unsatisfactory teaching procedure unless you go to the head. If the head of the music dept is in her pocket not much point going there anyway

There is a case for giving her the chance to sort it out by having a chat to her... but if no go... just go to the top, ask for an interview and just voice your concerns in non confrontational way and ask for head's help.

Good luck. At least you are dealing with a private school because you are paying fees you have more power there believe me.... State schools can be very very difficult.... (in my experiance). I had a frightful situation once with my child starting secondary school... and I went through all the official channels and was not listened to... Eventually when I got to the head, (very difficult), although initially when I told her the facts she did not believe me, when I produced proof..... she sorted it pronto.

I made the decision years ago after talking to parents, that anything regarding safety, security or anything that could POTENTIALLY HAVE CONSEQUENCES IN THE FUTURE - (ie anything 'important') should always be put in writing, recorded delivery to the Head.

The school doesn't like it very much, but many of us see it as a more professional and legally 'safe' route to follow.

Steve

Sounds like going and talking to the teacher is a needed step - but take notes! Apart from liability, it's easy to come away with a wrong impression. I totally agree about involving form teacher (and head or vice head if need be). In very serious talks with elder son's school, I found that involving more people both kept the temperature down and was MUCH more effective in getting something actually done. Ditto for written records. And taking father along never hurts either.

It helps to thank teachers for all the good stuff before launching your attack! (Both in the appointment-seeking letter and the interview). Maybe mention that you are the more eager to get things running smoothly *because* you can see certain specific good points?

Some teachers seem to think it's funny to act as if 90% of their students' intellect were directed to skiving off. It gets so ingrained that I don't think they realize how insulting it is (or how petty it makes them sound).

One of my son's music teachers is more volatile than the other - he can come out with a torrent of hurtful comments one week, but next week the same issues gets a breezy "Don't worry, you're doing fine!". Of course, I can't tell from here, but the comment regarding concert pieces sounds rather like that to me - after all, what advantage will it be to her to have a student play his worst in front of the whole school? Maybe she was serious, but it's worth keeping a pinch of salt at hand, I think.

The double-think regarding parental roles is quite common though - it's your fault if kids aren't pushed, and your fault again if they are pushed! I suppose teenagers are inconsistent in their maturity too

This teacher needs to learn some lessons about relating to adults, if nothing else. And she seems to be treating your son like a six year old. What does he feel about it? I'd feel inclined to go and see the head of music - is this possible? Failing that I'd move heaven and earth to get your son away from that school next year.

Liz

This sounds awful. I am always shocked when I hear the way some school teachers speak to their pupils and even their parents - general rules of politeness seem not to apply. I saw some young (about 6 years) children knock on the headmistress' door the other day doing their job collecting recyclable materials and another teacher came out and just shouted "Not now!" very abruptly and slammed the door - what an example to teach children how to behave! - but not generally music teachers; all those whom I have ever come into contact with have been very nice and normal human beings.

I am surprised that you have so much involvement with your son's practising when he must be 15 or 16 years old but guess I can't relate to that as I went to boarding school, my parents lived abroad and they never had any involvement at all in what I did whether musically or academically during my school years and nor did the parents of the music scholars; we just got on with it on our own. The music scholars are now professional musicians so they must have found their own motivation.

But as you are involved, you need to sort this out and arrange to see the teachers concerned as soon as possible. You seem to say the teacher is good; it looks as though there is just a communication problem which can probably all be sorted out with one face to face conversation. There has probably been a big misunderstanding.

If not can you ask whether your son can have lessons outside school ? I guess you will then have to pay for them yourself but it is no good if your son doesn't connect with the teacher. This must be very damaging psychologically. The music scholars at my school all had external lessons because the school teachers weren't of a high enough standard apart from the Head of Music who didn't do the right instruments and didn't generally give lessons anyway.

Good luck with this and hope it doesn't have too much negative impact on your son's love of music.

There is clearly a growing breakdown in relationships here that needs resolving. The teacher may be trying to overcome what she sees as laziness on your son's part and you are trying to see why she is so abrasive about and to him.

Communication is the key to starting to resolve this. Initially, I'd ask to see the teacher and Head of Department (together) to discuss all the issues you've raised here. Especially if they are related then I'd be doubly careful not to play one off against the other. Keep a written record of the discussion and send them a copy for their confirmation on what was said and agreed. Don't leave the meeting without agreement on how to move forward - a plan of action.

If that fails to happen or doesn't work well, then see the Head. No public school headteacher wants a bad reputation for their school because parents pay the fees.

That said, my own experience of public schools is that they ask a great deal of their scholars and if your son isn't delivering to a high enough level at present, they may be equally frustrated. Though it is very disappointing that they haven't contacted you to share their concerns.

I always try to treat my teenagers as independent people not little kids but I will still discuss progress with their parents whether it's going well or not.

Make an appointment now and begin the process of unraveling this mess and then moving on.

Can I just add with years of teaching experience in both the public and private sector, misunderstandings can easily occur. I have sat in the staff room with teachers that I, a young teacher myself, have been secretly terrified of! Some teachers communicate with adults via notes, as though they are pupils and the parents are baffled to be "spoken to" in such a manner. Communicating face to face you can avoid much of this. I advise parents to either go together, or with someone else who acts as a witness, or to ask for a three person meeting that includes [u]the Head Teacher. Private Schools are indeed very aware of their reputation and how word gets around, scholarship children are no exception. Having said that, you are the child's parent and you are therefore his advocate. If you are concerned with a situation then say you are "not happy", "dissappointed", "somewhat surprised" "confused" etc. Above all remind the music teacher that you want your child to enjoy what they are doing.

If you can change the teacher then do so. I changed my daughter's cello teacher in her final GCSE year to an external one, and I really wished I had done it much much earlier. I made the classic mistake of saying she wasnt practising enough and was being lazy. In fact her teacher felt she had no talent and resented teaching "talentless state school kids", overheard by another music teacher in the adjoining practise room!. It made no difference how much practise she did, she did it reluctantly and it reflected in her performance. She changed teachers came alive and leaped ahead. She finally began to enjoy the music she was learning and playing.

As a footnote I changed my sons piano teacher 4 times and finally, albeit reluctantly, had to come to the conclusion he was not interested in the piano whatsoever

Let us know how this concludes.

However wonderful a teacher is in conveying his or her knowledge, and whatever esteem in which a music department is held, a very big part of the job is communication and motivation. There has to be a working partnership with the parents; you are not the enemy. I can't comment directly on this case and don't want to get myself into trouble, but it is often the case that established teachers in highly regarded establishments think they are God Almighty, and above suggestion or criticism. In how much regard would you hold this teacher if she were not part of this school? Would private pupils put up with this attitude? As for preparing three pieces for a concert and having the worst one chosen with a week to spare - I think your son must have shown tremendous strength of character in not telling her where to stick her instrument.

A very good point!

As I private teacher I don't have anyone (like a headmaster...) to hide behind/stick up for me if an issue crops up. It's up to me to earn my good reputation by ensuring not only progress in my pupils' playing, but respecting the parents who pay my wages. After all, these are the people who have recommended me to other parents - based on their dealings with me, and no one elses word.

The parents are well aware that I don't yet hold my dipabrsm (the kids couldn't care less...) - but they respect me for the effort I put in , and the results I produce. Having the letters after my name will be nice when I get them, but it doesn't mean I'll be above criticism - or above treating parents resfectfully.

xxx

xxxx

I think if you are reasonable person with good knowledge of the subject you are teaching that is what is important not bits of paper or achievements that take up all your energy and disguise the real you (thinking about the original posters teacher's award).

No situation is perfect and sometimes there is no explaination for teachers attitudes towards pupils and parents. I bit the bullet too long with my daughter's Flute Teacher.

I hope you sort things soon for your son because it's his best interests that matter and not the teacher's.

Your son is at an age when he may not always be totally honest with you, therefore it is best to go and talk to the teacher yourself and see what their attitude is like when you are face to face. Some teachers seem incapable of dealing with adults - perhaps that's why they become teachers. But go in there gently saying you want to understand what the problem is so you can work out how best to deal with it. If you find they are as obnoxious as they sound then scholarship or not your son might be better elsewhere for A levels. But be prepared to hear that your son may not have communicated messages very clearly.