Food for thought? I can relate to this article in many ways.

Read the article here.

Interesting - I think we'll be trying the "praise for concentrating" thing. They didn't mention Sincerity (and lack of) - somthing my children would pick up on straight away. We had some friends (teachers) from the US to stay with their child a few years ago and the Overparise was nauseating. I'm not sure this is such a problem in the UK.

I've found lots of examples of the bright child underachieving thing - including myself! My mother always seemed to have a list for me of 'things I could do brilliantly' and 'things I couldn't do at all' to the extent that she didn't believe me when I said I'd swum 800m, as swimming was one of the things I 'couldn't do'. When she saw me swimming with her own eyes she apologised.

I got to 16 before I found an academic subject I couldn't do - 'A' level Maths - and I lost any confidence I had after that, not just in Maths, but anything I didn't 'get' straight away. I still have to tell myself that 'yet' word when I can't do something first time, and katyjay is finding what an uphill struggle it is for me to move singing from my 'can't do' to my 'can do' list.

Whenever we have to write reports at school we have to try to be positive, although I remember one pupil I could find nothing positive about other than "I think she's got pretty hair"........ and no, I didn't actually write that on her report - I just had to tell it like it was............

When my eldest daughter made her vocal debut at the Purcell Rooms, we couldnt afford the gown so I sewed one. A long skirt and corset top in stunning red dupion silk. The family turned out in full force. When she came on stage, my beloved mother turned to me and said "ooh lovely gown where did you buy it?". I replied "I made it". She said very loudly "but you Can't sew!". She was right it took days and the fiddly bit of corsetry had me in absolute tears. I had never fitted an invisible zip in my life but I stuck with it and everytime it went wrong I ripped it out and did it again as my totally non-praising Textiles teacher had made me do many moons ago. I was so proud of my eventual personal achievement. And there was my mother at the end saying "my daughter made the gown you know" to whoever was listening and "thats my granddaughter singing"

Parents Eh!

It's an interesting article but I still think we worry too much about our children's intelligence here and in the US. Perhaps it's no coincidence that the British and American children came at bottom in that recent worldwide survey of children's happiness levels? Perhaps one of the factors making our children miserable is their sense that we value them more for their brain-power than for who they really are?

Violinia

They do, if you read all 5 pages, say that vacuous praise is unhelpful.

V: I think one of the suggestions is actually to worry kids less about whether they're smart or not and just encourage and praise them for effort and what they CAN do.

I could identify quite a lot with the "bright child underachieving", too.

Or just tell them we love them - and mean it? I don't know why it's all got so complicated! Surely lovely secure children have always come out of loving families where the parents just love them for who they are? Obviously you have to encourage them to do their best, and put opportunities their way whenever we can but in the end a child thrives best in every possible way in direct relation to how loved he feels - for who he is, not for what he achieves.

When I became a violin teacher I had this weird feeling I didn't want to tell my parents, because I felt they'd be pleased for all the wrong reasons. Very hard to explain but a child has a very strong sense of when they are loved purely for who they are rather than for what they've achieved or are likely to achieve. I told my psychotherapist cousin about the violin teacher thing and she totally understood - she said: tell your parents when you want to, not before.

Sometimes people underachieve because they don't want to be valued for their achievements but for who they are. It sounds complicated and perverse - but it certainly happens.

I'm sure children who feel loved for who they are can enjoy being praised for their achievements, but if you don't feel loved for who you are, then being praised for your achievements can actually make you feel quite hollow and even angry.

Violinia

I guess praise is like anything - fine in moderation, but too much of a good thing...

I also worry about the bright underavcheiving thing, and teh not trying things that you think you can't do.



So true.

I'd hope that parents with any sense/who want their kids to be secure and have good self esteem would do that anyway Praising a child for its achievements is part of loving it, isn't it? I may not have valued being told "well done, you worked hard, you did well" as much as being told "I love you, you're great", but I did value it all the same. Recognition of hard work is no bad thing.

Not always, unfortunately.

Violinia

Absolutely