I have a 6-year-old boy who has started coming to me for piano lessons. He is making good progress, and his mother sits in on the lessons so she can practice with him at home. The only trouble is, she doesn't stop talking, and comments on what he is doing all the time - even laughing at his mistakes. I try to ignore her, but sometimes it really gets on my nerves. Does anyone else have this problem???

Umm - tricky one. I think you need to find a way to remove her - perhaps into a room next door where she can still hear the lesson and still feel included. Perhaps you could say something like - 'I am doing some research into how children respond to different situations in music lessons. I am very interested to find out if pupils......(for example) make fewer mistakes in a one-to-one situation. I think your son would be an ideal pupil to take part in my project etc.....

This might work as she shouldn't take offence with an indirect and positive approach.

Good luck

Insist 6 year old child brings a notebook. Then send her to an adjacent room. If she wants to help with practice she can read the notebook.

or..

"I'd like to start building his confidence in perfoming without mum right there for support (ready for exams one day). Perhaps we could work towards you being further away and then eventually perhaps in the next room?"

This might get her shut up if she thinks she's trying to help him feel she's not there. You can start by seating her in the far corner behind him.

I like that one! Speaking as a chatty mum, I might suggest the parent had a note book.

"Its really great that you want to help your son in this way, so that you get the full benefit, why don't you bring a notebook so you can take down any comments I make that may assist you."

Now that way you might get the odd question, but chatty-mum would be too busy writing her essay to have time to talk!

That might not help if the aim is to get her out of the room completely at some point though.

Decide whether you want her out of the room, or just want her to shut up. Then tell her straight - but politely, of course.

You will get into more problems later if you make up some story about researching whether children make less mistakes in a 1 to 1 situation or some other made up reason.

I don't think laughing at her son's mistakes while he's trying to concentrate and pay attention to you is at all helpful - no wonder it gets on your nerves!

I don't let parents sit in full stop, but faced with this situation, I'd probably phone mum for a chat and explain politely the need to observe quietly for minimum distraction. It might be awkward to tell her you don't want her there at all, as this is what she's been used to doing. If she doesn't heed the request to be quiet though, you might have to re-think!

Good luck!

Is clear this mum wants to support but doen't have a clue about the effects of her actions on her child. Treat her gently and directly. Tell her its great she's supportive but...

I'm sure she wants to be encouraging and supportive, but crossing the line is so easy.

Love this one jod. I will try it.

I too have an interfering Mum. Boy is only 6 so a bit early to start removing Mum and not sure if it's the right thing just yet, anyway. It gets a bit bad when she actually starts leaning over the piano during the lesson asking me what I meant and what he is to do. Talk about a smothering Mum!

Anyway, I just asked her politely to sit down, and don't worry, as we revisit the many aspects of learning the piano many times. He is doing fine. e.t.c.

I gave her a theory book to read and that shut her up!!

Even though most of my pupils' parents are lovely and I get on with them very well, I don't have them sitting in on lessons (beyond the first one or two if the child is very young). I personally don't like the feeling of having someone watching my every move/listening to every utterance - I find it stifling and rather embarrassing. And they wouldn't be sitting in on their child's school lessons, so why should they do so for a music lesson?!

There has never been any problem when I tell parents that this is my policy, and most have been only too glad to have a bit of time to themselves.

Thanks for all your replies - I have been away for the weekend so have only just read them. I would like to get her to leave the lesson, but it's only 20 minutes and there's not really anywhere else for her to go. I might try giving her a notebook and asking her to take notes... I like that one. It might stop her giving bad advice during practice times, too, if she has actually remembered what I said!

Why not increase the lesson to half an hour and tell her that after about a month it would be preferable for you to teach him on his own? Tell her that by age 6 most children have lessons on their own and that it usually facilitates independent learning. If they come by car she could always sit in the car (many of my parents do) - if she comes on foot she can go for a walk unless it's raining. Some of my mums go for a short walk and it really isn't a problem for them.

If he can only concentrate for about 20 minutes (fair enough at this age), how about this: he has a 20 minute lesson with you on his own and she comes back and into the room for the last 10 minutes where you go over what you've taught him so she can help him when he practises?

I've just taken on a 7-year-old girl - after one introductory meeting with the parents present, she had her first proper lesson on her own. After 20 minutes the dad and little sister came back (they'd been for a walk) and the pupil and I then showed the dad (and little sister!) what we'd done so the dad could help with practice.

We've also arranged two half two lessons a week for the first month to get her really well established. This is all a new experiment I'm carrying out for an optimum beginning!

I do know some of the teachers here always have the parent in the room for the first few years - partly to avoid any accusations of abuse and also to help with practice. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

My mum stayed in the room till I was about 11, took (admittedly very useful) notes and always helped with practice until I was older, but my teacher now tells me it wasn't her who requested it, but my mother! But my mother swears it was the teacher! But as none of the other mothers of my teacher's pupils stayed... oh well, perhaps it was all a big misunderstanding and as neither of them spoke English that well at the time...

I certainly think the mother should go with the teacher and not the other way round. I too find it embarrassing if a parent insists on staying, although the 10 minute pupil/parent/little sister session wasn't embarrassing at all because I felt in control. Perhaps that's the key issue - the teacher needs to feel in control. A parent who insists on being there and then talking into the bargain must make the teacher feel very annoyed and disempowered, so at the very least you must tell the teacher absolutely no talking is allowed from her side until the end when she can ask questions.

Grrr! Some mothers!

Violinia

Take the chair out of the room so she has nowhere to sit?

My room is very small and with pupil and me in there it's crowded so I don't have parents in the room. I've just started a little 6 year old and mum stays, but she sits in another room.

I think part of the problem is there's nowhere else in the house for the mum to go (my house likewise) and the mum is perhaps disinclined to go for a walk or sit in her car if she comes on wheels.

However, none of my mums have ever complained about being politely shown the door - in fact I don't invite them in until they come to pick the child up and they quickly get the message.

Answer: explain how you like to teach and don't let her in the door in the first place! She may think her child is too young to be left alone but presumably he goes to school without her; I've never had a child yet who refuses to come through the door unless their mother comes with them, and that includes 6-year-olds.

This mother sounds way too pushy!

Violinia

I have only one parent who stays, and it's with a 5 year old who's had about 9 lessons.

She is chatty (and quite giggly, which is unusual !) given half a chance, but I have indicated that I'd rather she didn't sit too close, and gradually she is taking a back seat and taking the hint that interruptions are not helpful.

She had an enormous number of questions to start with (" would you like to sit over there and read the information sheet I've just given you ??!" ) so clearly it was a new experience for her too - in many ways the lesson time contact was probably useful.

I may suggest she waits in the car next term - but will see how it goes.

I think the half-hour suggestion is a good one - 20 mins probably doesn't allow for discussion with parents, but the extra few minutes would help.

Lots of good suggestions - it depends how far you want to go, or how far you can push Mum. We have "open" lessons in school one week of the year and with a 20 minute lesson one can get very little done if the visiting parent talks too much. It's OK for 1 week a year, but would be hopeless for every week. With one of my little ones, I said "We'll pretend Mum isn't here until the end of the lesson and then we'll have a chat" and it worked so that for a few minutes at the end we were able to discuss relevant matters.

I think it may be a good idea to do the 20 minute lesson and have Mum in for 10 minutes, but this is also setting a precedent which on the whole is unnecessary and is another habit which may have to be broken eventually. I think the idea of creating a lesson where child is "independent" in preparation for exam experience may go down well, and you could always promise to have a few words with parent at the end of the lesson if there is a big issue.

You could also give parent the latest issue of Libretto to read for a couple of weeks which might keep her quiet!!

NB I'm only doing this as an experiment with a brand new 7-year-old to get her really well established with her practice. As soon as she starts getting the hang of it we'll just have a simple half hour's lesson and everything will be written in her practice diary.

I agree it wouldn't be a great idea for parents to expect to barge in for the last ten minutes of every lesson!!!

Violinia

One place I teach at has a tiny room, and by the time you fit a piano & desk in there you can't fit much else. A mother (whose 2 sons have back to back lessons) once brought both sons, her younger daughter (about 2yrs old) and a baby, AND one of those massive 'jogging' strollers It was the boys' second lesson, and at the end of it I told her it couldn't continue, especially as she had sat there with a noisy rattle for the baby (to add to the noise of it crying), the two year old constantly asked to go to the toilet, and when she eventually took her she handed the baby to me (I promptly sat it in the stroller!) The room was so noisy that the poor boys could barely hear me

But that (thankfully) is a rare situation. I have a few parents who quietly open the door & sneak into the room in the last 5mins of the lesson, just to hear what we've been working on, which works fine.

I have a problem with chatty pupils. One of them know that I have no one after him and that is because its my dinner break (or was until I put someone in that time last week) and he would just hang around talking about the imigration department and how he is now an illegal imigrant and can't renew his visa...

I feel you're a bit unlucky with this chatty parent! I've always encouraged parents to sit in on lessons if they want to, as I think it's good for them to see what happens in their child's lesson. It also gives them useful info about what needs to be worked on for the next time.
Some come in occasionally, some never come in at all and a few sit in at every lesson. They're always quiet and just sit in the background and observe. I'm quite happy about this, but would definately say something if I felt that the child was not comfortable about having mum or dad in the room.
Maybe I've been very lucky, but I've never had a problem with parents disrupting things. Good luck with this one!

I can't lengthen the lesson as I don't have any more time! He was rather squeezed in as it is. But his concentration is not good so 20 minutes seems plenty long enough. I will see what happens this week and then decided... but it seems from the replies that the norm even for this age is for pupils to have lessons without parents sitting in. That's fine by me! I just have to work out how to get this one out without upsetting her...

Maybe his concentration will improve once there is no distraction in the room?

Six is very young though. I have a few that age who are good at sitting still and listening, and others who require a bit more work!

Good luck! Hopefully you can explain it in a way that lets the mum see you have the pupil's best interests at heart, and 20 minutes isn't really a very long time to have to wait for someone.

I've one Dad who is happy to go to the car park and read the paper for a whole 45 mins. Well, that's what he thinks I think... I wouldn't embarrass him by telling him that his child already let slip where he really goes - to the amusement arcade

Hope you reported the little Blighter and got him kicked out of Blighty!!

I have an open door policy and, thankfully, not too many 'stayers'. However, in the early stages, especially with the violin where early attention to detail with posture and bow hold pay huge dividends later I actually encourage parents to sit in on a few lessons especially at the beginning.

The golden rule, though, is that Mum/Dad/Grandma is the Hologram in the Corner, and, as such, not really there for the main part of the lesson! Their role is to observe the lesson and make any notes they think helpful in their child's violin notebook until the last few minutes when I sum up and bring them into the discussion.

Interesting!! As a parent I was expected to stay in my daughter's cello lesson (so that I could help her practice - even though I know nothing!)

It took me years to pluck up the courage to ask not to stay - she does her practice on her own so I can't help there and she found it off putting having me in the lesson. It meant there were two people she was trying to please.

I now tend to go back for the last 5/10 minutes of her lesson in case I need to buy new music or if the teacher needs to talk to me. This works well.

There are occasions when the teacher still asks me to stay - concert/exam coming up but I find it works best with me being out of the way.

My daughter is pretty organised and self motivated which helps.

excellent!