Classified Ads
The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

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"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

"Washing machine: free to good home."

"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

"Great Dames for sale."

"Lost Cocktail."

"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

"Free ducks. You catch."

"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

"Tattoos done while you wait."

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

"This house has been fully insulted."

"Man, honest. Will take anything."

"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

"Illiterate? Write today for free help."

"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

Reminds me of yesterday: we were in Tesco and buying a "Finest" apple tart that was in the reduced section.

It came up on the scan-your-own-stuff display as "Finest Tart"







Promise?

Not things to buy, but the random thoughts of an American humourist called Steven Wright.

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
35 - I bought a decaffeinated coffee table and couldn't tell the difference.

I've read that before and it's STILL funny!


new one on me!


Too true!!

very funny Amber!

Katyjay : number 24 - that's true.....

And number 28, that's true as well. And if I then drop said piece of bread, it'll always go butter side down.....

I'm going to tell my counsellor that in my next appointment!!

it seems to me that most of them have been going around for an exceedingly long time and weren't thought up by steven wright at all. In fact Wanda the fish has just said one of them and claimed that it was said by Mark Twain.

Mark Twain comes out with all a manner of different things...

Which one?