As currently plugged in my signature, the next work I'm performing is the Faure Requiem (Brighton on 19th May and Bristol on 28th May ). I've sung it a few times before, but it's a work that comes with a trolley-load of emotional baggage, as it's a piece I associate with my step-sister who died a couple of years ago (cancer, aged 38, leaving two small children ); because of this, I'm really struggling to keep myself together during rehearsals.

I don't normally wallow in self-pity for years afterwards and am now fretting that I'll lose it during the concert, especially during some of the more saccharine moments.

Anyone got any survival tips for performing works which have unhappy personal associations?

I wouldn't call that self-pity at all, it's a perfectly reasonable and understandable response. Having played two movements of a Bach violin Partita for my cousin's memorial (38, married but no issue, a sudden and totally unexpected and unexplained death), I have to say I identify with the situation you're going through, even though no two people's experiences are identical...I've found it very difficult to revisit those pieces since.

If there are bits which you find technically challenging in it, then you'll probably find that the effort of concentration on getting them right will get you through OK. Doing as much rehearsing as you can may help to dilute the effect of the raw emotion a little, a bit like the situation of phobics trying to rid themselves of their fears by deliberately seeking out the things they're afraid of. Maybe also listening to a recording of the music a few times may help, by getting the (very natural) tears out of the way well before you need to perform it.

If it abolutely has to be done (sometimes we don't have the chance not to do it), letting it out in "safe" moments helps.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I just think that trying to prevent things from happening will clearly make them happen when you need them least ...

I love Faures Requiem. I'm afraid I can't help with the advice, but the Pie Jesu reminds me of the 9/11 Towers tragedy. I went to a concert the day afterwards and a lady with a beautiful voice sang it as a tribute to those who were killed. There wasn't a dry eye, but she was extremely professional and focused on the job in hand.

Good luck with it. Sorry about your step-sister. xxx

Dear Deborah

You have to find a way to turn your pain into something positive. Think, and you will.

Best wishes

barry

D, I haven't any good advice really, anything that I might've offered has already been said... just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I really hope it goes well.

Sorry Deborah, I havn't go any advice to give, but I hope It'll go well/

Hope things go well, Deborah.

Whereabouts is the performance on 28 May? (I'm on-call that evening though).

You have a PM with the details

Thanks for the suggestions, people; keep 'em coming.

I'd already thought about having Faure overload as part of a de-sensitising programme, so will probably try this if the next rehearsal is another lump-in-the-throat one.

I recently sang at my friend's mum's funeral, and our teacher said that if we concentrate on the technical side of the singing it helps you to cope. Hope it goes well

A friend said not to look at the audience, just glaze over in the tecnical aspects.
Bev.

I think sometimes these things are worse sometime after the event, aren't they? At the time, one can be numb enough... I played flute and clarinet and sang at my dad's funeral. At the time, I just did it - looking back, I don't know how I managed.

Deborah

This is all part of your natural grief process and that takes each of us differently and it also takes each of us a different length of time to come to terms with.

I think listening to the Faure (in private) and allowing your personal grief to surface is a good idea but you'll probably find that for along time to come, maybe forever, bits of this work will cause your sadness to re-surface at times.

I also think if you can start to channel your thoughts positively when you hear the music that might help. Picture the good times you had with your step-sister, think about her children growing up and what you must mean to them and think about them in their happy times too. Think about something completely different that makes you feel happier.

A few years back I went through a very difficult personal situation (much like bereavement but different) and it was at a time when the "Saving Private Ryan" filmtrack was being played loads. For me, it came to be an association with my pain and sorrow at that time. 7 years down the line, it can still bring a lump to my throat whenever I hear it because of the association but I've moved on, time has moved on and I can now think more positively and not cry once the first few notes start.

I hope that you will find peace of mind and things to encourage and not lower you in the Faure. Do sing it - it will be a good experience for you I'm sure and I shall hope so. Perhaps, in your mind, you could dedicate your singing to the memory of your step-sister so you feel you're doing something positive for her?

All the best
Oboist