Feeling a bit down today and thought i'd post why - bit of a long read so i'll say thanks before you read it.
I play in one band and have been with them for about 12 yrs now appart from a 2 yr break when i moved out of the area, when i came back i met my now hubby in the same band, it was great the both of us going to band and playing, but hubby was having increasing problems at work which tended to make him very short tempered and was briefly on anti depressants, he began to get a bit stroppy with the conductor and they began to wind each other up, it all came to a head when they asked him to come and play one everning when he had only got home from work about 10 mins previously and had no tea or lunch, they had told him that there were no other players in his section so he turned up and in the mean time on other memebr of his section turned up, In hind sight i should have phoned him and said dont worry its ok but i didnt, so he turned up and was rather grumpy as you would be having been out since 5am and only just got back at 7.30pm. Some thing was said and my hubby blew up had an arguement with the conductor and walked out, he later without my knowing he phoned and told the band one of the engagements had been cancelled, even thought it hadn't, so the band got messed around somewhat, but they had also messed hubby around calling him in when he actually wasnt needed. Fortunatley afew months later he appologised to the conductor who is also my best friend and things are ok in that respect, Hubby has never since returned to the band, and they anounced to the band in front of me what he had done, which made me feel like ######, but i have since kept going, but have been told that hubby would have to appologise before he came back, this is over 3 yrs since and most of the original member have now left, He did mention returning but even now they say he would need to appologise, personally i think it is water gone now and should be forgotten - band numbers are dwindling so i think they shouldnt shoot potential members.
But now the main problem - i have always felt uncomfortable going back to band i miss my hubby being then and i feel like he is being left out, we dont have many engagements - but currently have two during the summer, which makes things awkard as 90 % of the time we are away and not in the area ( we own a boat and spend weekends there,) i also have a toddler which adds to the problem i.e babysitting.
Hubby isnt happy about having our weekends disurbed by me having to leave to do a gig, often weekends are the only famly time we get, so i can see his point but i also hate letting the band down as i am one of two trumpets in the section! so they would have one trumpet for a gig.
Some times i feel it would be best if i left the band then they wouldnt have to worry about me not being there, but i love playing and its the only ME time i get these days.
I'm torn between my family and my band! and family comes first.
So i'm feeling down!

Oh trumpeter cheer up,

you say the conducter is a friend couldn't you explain that hubbys behavior was due to many factors including anti depressants and that making a public apology to eveyone, would only make him feel too awkward to rejoin, besides if there are not many origonal members it would only mean the new members would pre judge him. Or perhaps he could have an informal chat with the members that were there at the time, saving the naughty school boy type embarresment.

As for you, you should keep playing the in the band I completely understand how hard it is trying to juggle many comitments, but you did state - its your only ME time -

It is essential that you keep that, to keep you grounded and allow you a little release.

Also if you did quit the band you may only end up resenting your family because you did it for them.

There is just not enough hours in the day - but the odd sneaky one you get free, no matter if you beg borrow steal or kiddnapp to get a baby sitter are really important not just for you but for your family, if you feel you are being deprived you may become grouchy.

Phew all done now goo d luck

hi

this is a hard one i can see why you feel torn but i would agree with you that abit of you time is really important for anyone. is it possible to talk to the band first and ask them to welcome your husband back as this would be the easy soultion.

then talk to hubby and ease the two together maybe ask him to come along to watch first

hoping this is sorted out soon and that you feel happier about it

monkey flute

my husband had a bout of depression just after we married lasted a year we work in the same office and it was really hard to explain his moods sometimes.

To look at it from another angle, might there be another band that you could both join and make a fresh start with new people? It seems that mistakes have been made on both sides and it could be hard for some of the long standing members to accept other half back perhaps? If not then take him back to a practice one evening and see how it goes. They may well welcome him with open arms and fanfares and shouts of joy. It happened a long time ago and most folk are not too petty about things such a time after.

I agree with Petra, a new band sounds a good idea. Fresh start and all that. Other than that, if the conductor is your friend, then maybe you can do something that way. He wasn't well at the time.
Good Luck
Beverley.

Mental health is such a minefield. Here's a chance to come clean. I'm mentally ill. I have been for years, and yes it does affect the way I interact with people. I have just been ejected from my Church Choir due to my behaviour, behaviour that was always well intentioned, but due to my mental health issues misunderstood.

I don't think there is an easy way back as the DoM is also currently suffering from excess stress, and having a "high maintainance" choir member because of the way she interacts has been the straw to break the camels back.

So the position you are in is something I really empathise with.

However as a wife your duty here is to support your ill husband. Becasue of the way things are handled, you may have to assert yourself and bluntly tell people what is what.

If someone breaks a leg everyone is sympathetic, but as soon as someone develops mental health problems they are told to "snap out of it". It's not as easy as that. Regular Anti-depressants have helped but I still come across as self-centrered when that is not the intention at all.

I hope the group therapy I am going to start may do some good.

Alas I don't think it will be enough to resolve the situation I am currently in.

Trumpeter you are not alone. This is why I have decided to be so open about my own Mental Health issues. It's a taboo that needs to be broken.

That was brave Jo. You are right, many people have no time for mental health issues. My brother killed himself when he was very very severely depressed at the age of 21. I was 17. After he died, people crossed the road to avoid me
Thankfully due to some good friends, I recovered to be the sane person I am today. Friends are so important. Not the sort who want to analyse you, but who take you as you are.
Trumpeter, I'm sure this will work out. If it is the "me" time issue, maybe something else would be OK for you????
Bev.

Well said Jod!

Its wonderful that you are willing to discuss it openly. I completely agree that the stigma attached to mental heath problems are huge, and people do tend have a tendancy to tell people to snap out of it, or if not tell them they certainly think it.

I find these attitudes really irratating, especially as my dad and uncle have suffered from depression for most of there lives. one in four adults will suffer from some form of mental illness during there lives a statistic people like to iognore. We have a very open way of discussing it in my house probobly helped by the fact my mum is a mental health nurse.

I know my dad has found by openly discussing it with everyone the 'taboo' is broken and people are understanding - even prospective employers believe it or not,. the problem is that people who have not suffered with a mental illness cannot be expected to understand, unless it is explained to them. (I really think this should be covered in the national cirriculum - but we wont go there as its a serious pet hate of mine)

So back to the point trumpeter - if your husband is willing to disscuss these things with other people he might be surprised at how receptive they can be.

THanks so much for all your replies.
People i have spoken to within the band all agree its past, and should be put behind us, it is one particular person who helps run the band who has the huge chip on their shoulder, if you ever get on her bad side its difficult to get on the good again, although she has said she think my hubby is great but should accept he made a mistake, personally i think the appology should come from both sides as they took judgment before finding out what the problem was.
My hubby feels that his problems were and are none of their business, and i agree to an extent, i just each would swallow their pride, but they are both as stubborn as each other and think they are both right.
I think my son may play something in the future and i would hate to be taking just me and son there.
I have been with the band for 12yr and it was a being part of my life prior to my family life, and i was very loyal - now i have family commitments and family does come first. If we had a few more brass players then i wouldnt worry so much as they would always have back up.

I have been in county run bands but never found them very friendly and there were clear groups of friends and the old boys network. I love playing in brass bands but they always have 10000 engagements during the summer to which i really can't commit to and i got fed up with brass band politics and again the old boy net work (sorry to all brass banders!)

Think i will just stick at it and the conductor will just have to understand that my family commitments come first and it i am free i will attend concerts. (it is a different conducts now since the 'too doo' happened but he was playing in the band when it did happen.)
Life is too complicated and i care too much about letting people down or getting in to trouble!
But i think people should find things out before they judge, i told them he hadnt been well - but they just said thats no excuse really, hubby never really mentions what happened, dont think he knows why either just something tipped him over the edge and they bore the brunt of it, all full bores!