Well done Soph! I'm so proud of you for being able to say this to them, and here's hoping that they finally get the message!


I know telling you not to worry doesn't help, so I'm not going to. Here's how I deal with people at school, I don't know if it'll help you...I try not to listen to what they're talking about. If it's about me, I don't want to know, if it's not then I'm sure it's nothing interesting or worth listening to! If I do happen to hear someone talking about me, it's more difficult to know what to do, as I don't want to be seen as over-reacting, but I know that sometimes even the smallest of things can make you want to give up. If you've just had a particularly upsetting experience, try finding somewhere quiet (the library perhaps?) and write down how you're feeling, let out all your anger onto paper. Again, I don't know if this'll help you but it has worked for me in the past.

Try to keep smiling Soph; we all know how hard it is, but we also know that you really are trying!

Thank you, I have written it down a few times, and I think it can help sometimes. I just want them to leave me alone, and get the message that saying things about my brother is sinking low. My view is, they can make any comment they want about me, but not my brother!!

I am trying and the support of people on here helps a lot.

*hugs*

Am panicking a bit, the girl who made this comment will be there tomorrow as we have an exam. I am just worried that something will happen, I dont think I will take it like I did last time.

From the sound of it, I wouldn't be surprised if this girl would like nothing better than to think she'd put you off your exam Please don't let her Soph. She is nothing, nobody. Don't let her affect your concentration tomorrow. Think of the Old Ladies instead, and all the others who are rooting for you! Good luck with your exam

Think of our "travels" too. Good luck with the exam.

Funny how it is Soph that us with the alter egos, are the ones that have been here.

Good luck in your exam. (try not) Don't let this girl get to you. Focus on your exam and get on with it. Have a word with your tutor and see what the school can do to help. Don't let this eat you up. Your brother is doing something heroic - you should be proud of him, some concern is natural, but would he want to see you fretting like this?

Jo (a cheer up smiley to try to cheer you up)

Thanks, I am at the moment dreading going into school later, I dont want to see this girl and I dont want anymore comments from her.

Try not to worry yourself too much (hard, I know) about it - there are much more important things in life, such as your exam (in which you're going to do fine by the way! ) And remember, even if she does say anything, which she might not, she can't talk to you in the exam, and you can come home afterwards not have to be near her.

I am not looking forward to going into school at all today, I need to stay calm for the exam, but I know if I see her I wont be.

Hold your head up high Soph when you go into school. If you do meet her, look her straight in the eye so that she doesn't think that you feel intimidated by her in any way. Easier said than done I know, but try and act confident and it should make you feel more confident.... Please don't let her affect your concentration for your exam - show her that she hasn't done and do your best, for your own sake and to give Steve something to be proud of as well

If you're really nervous don't go in alone. And I mean it about going to see your year tutor.

Find someone else to talk to so that if she does turn up you have safety in numbers. Also don't mention Afghanistan - take an interest in your friends only mention your brother briefly, and when your asked. That way your less likely to find yourself in an awkward situation.

If you do see this girl, greet her and aske her about her weekend before she has a chance to have a go. Try to diffuse the situation.

I intend to say nothing at all to this girl, she needs to see that i dont take things about my brother lightly.

And if she tries to wind you up, perhaps you could say something like "Well I'm very proud of my brother so we'll just have to agree to differ" and then walk off. If you don't have anything to do with her, she can't upset you.

Thats the worry, if she says anything about Steve, I dont know how calm I will stay.

I just want to get this exam out of the way, it is the one I am worried the most about and then I have people that seem to like upsetting people to deal with. I am going to try for Steve and at the end of the day I can only try my best and if that isnt good enough then there is nothing I can do about it.

Try looking at it this way Soph, and see if you can do what I think Steve might do....

I think serving soldiers abroad are probably taught that if anybody tries to wind them up, to not take it personally, and to recognise that the people doing it are using it as a tactic to try and get the upper hand. I think he will have been taught that the best thing to do is not to engage with them and not to get distracted from the job that they're there to do.

So if she does try and wind you up again, try to do what I think Steve as a serving soldier would do and don't get into an argument or a discussion. Saying that you're proud of your brother so you'll have to agree to differ will wrong-foot her because she won't be expecting that. Then walk away like I'm sure Steve will have been taught to do, and get on with what you've got to do just like Steve would get on with the job he's got to do.

Hope this helps Soph, and let us know how you get on with your exam

Thanks Skylark

Well... here goes...

Well... its over.

How did you get on Soph?

I replied to your pm, thanks for asking...

I'll try and get back to you soon

Was it an Ok day Soph, PM me the details if you don't want to post here, and I'll see what I can do.

I got through it, I avoided the person that I was worried about, was just stressed about the exam.

Well done - wondered how you were getting on !

Good - now have you spoken to anyone at your school re the situation you find yourself in. I mean this for the good of your exams aswell as for your own good. Special Considerations can be applied to pupils under extreme stress too. (I used to work for an exam board so know a little about these matters).

Thank you

You did it, well done! Hope you have a good day tomorrow

Thanks... we will see.

Well, just got home from school, and am now being quizzed about why I wont talk to this girl who made the comment. As far as I am concerned, I think that anyone who makes comments like that isnt really a friend. Am I right here?

Soph, I'm going to play devils advocate a bit now. Ok, so this girl said something that offended you, caused you upset etc. But not everyone understands things as we expect them to. This girl probably didn't know how concerned for your brother you are, and making this comment wouldn't cause much harm. In life we can not be ignorant of ignorance and we can't expect people to always understand first time round, and then give up on them when they don't. Would you expect a teacher to give up on you because you don't understand the nth term formula first time around? No, you'd expect them to educate you until you understand. And perhaps this is what you need to do with this girl, someone who was your friend, educate them, explain to them why this upset you.

When someones parent dies people will often say "I know how you feel" but alot of the time they don't. Why? Because they haven't yet lost a parent. This can be applied to your situation, this girl doesn't know how you feel because she hasn't a brother in Afghanistan.

Think about this!

Yes I think you are right Soph, she doesn't seem like much of a friend. It's not just what she said in the first place... If what she said was just thoughtless rather than deliberately horrible, but if she didn't apologise for what she'd said when she saw she'd upset you, or if she hasn't shown any signs of regretting having upset you, then it does rather look as if you'd be better off not thinking of her as a friend.

If people quiz you about it, perhaps you could just say something along the lines that you don't feel as if you have much in common with her and prefer to mix with people who you have more in common with Hope you have a better afternoon.


Teachers are getting paid to educate pupils, that's their job!

Once again, perhaps she doesn't understand how upset Soph is. Why would someone apologise for something that they don't realise they have done or how hurt someone is about it. I know I wouldn't!

It's all about communication! And I think there is a severe lack of it in this scenario!



Yes, but don't friends have a Job?! A duty?! When a friendship breaks it's not because of one person, it's because of both.

I have avoided this girl for the past few days, however today, I had no choice but to see her, left to my own devices i would have avoided form and gone elsewhere.

What am I meant to do, forget what she has said. I dont think I can do that not with what she said.



You are right it is because of both, I am the one decided that a friend isnt like that.

Oh dear. Soph, of course you can't forget what she said to you; it was spiteful and uncalled for, and I don't think any of us are expecting you to forget about it. How can you after she's hurt you? Ok, so she may not realise what she's done, or even that she's done anything that could upset you, but isn't it about time she learned? We can't just go round saying what we want to people without any regard whatsoever for how they're going to react. Most people learn this in primary school, if not by the time they're in their middle teens. I know I learnt it quite early on, and thus I don't think I've ever seriously upset anyone (applogies to anyone who knows different!).

As for her being a friend. At the moment, no, she probably shouldn't be regarded as one of your friends, however in the future she may look back on this and realise what she's done and regret it. Perhaps then you should consider forgiving her. If it is indeed the case that she doesn't realise when she's said something that upsets or offends you, it's probably best to give her (and you!) time to reflect on this.

Try to keep your head up Soph. This is one girl, and one comment, yet look at the positive reactions you're receiving from people here, and your other friends as well.

No, but read what I said! You yourself are not being much of a friend.


Then if that is what you are like then you will go through life loosing a lot of friends!

This girl didnt think!! No REAL friend would make a comment like that!! Even if they didnt know how hard I am finding it!!!

What am i MEANT to do?? i dont think anyone would want to forgive someone that said something like that!

Well done!! She didn't think! She made a flippant remark that caused offence! Did she know it would? NO!

No friend would make a comment like that, and even though she didnt think, she also has made no attempt to put thing right. A real friend would have done.

Read my original post! Please! For my own sanity!

I have read your post.

A REAL FRIEND WOULDNT SAY IT!

You think it doesnt cause much harm, but i dont like to think about things like that! she highlighted it! u think i want a friend like that?

You clearly didn't read my post!!! I said that perhaps she didn't know how much hurt it caused you! Not that it didn't cause you any!

You put that is didnt cause any harm.

Now she knows, and has made no attempt to change it, I dont WANT or NEED friends that are like that.

You wouldnt want a friend like her if a comment like that was made to you.

Soph, I know what it can be like with people at school quizzing you about a falling out, though not in that sort of situation, but try to keep calm and keep your head up

Yes of course. You are right! Who in their right mind would want a friend!

Just carry on here with everyone telling you that you are right and anyone that says anything to you is in the wrong!

My point is! who would want a friend like her????? Who wants comments made to them like that?? Are you saying you would forgive someone for making a comment like that! I want friends I can trust, who are there for me, and who help me. Not who make comments like that!

I dont know if I am right or not!

And my point is, you haven' even spoken to this person - not properly anyway!

Gosh, am I speaking French or something?!?!

Oui ou non?

You ARE right Soph, and I'd got the impression this girl knew straight away that she'd upset you. The last thing you need is people dragging you down, so I think you've made the right decision to stay away from her and for the right reasons. Not everyone can be a friend, and friends change. You have good friends, both in real life and on here the forum. You don't need people in your life who don't support you and act like true friends

Woah... I know it's not my business... but is the idea that this girl didn't understand that she might hurt Soph? That's just absolutely ridiculous! The comment was clearly NOT a joke, nor flippant, nor thoughtless - Soph didn't take it wrong - there was only one way it could've been taken.

This whole thing reminds me of primary school where a girl would come up to me everyday say "you're ugly and stupid and I don't like you" and then teachers would say "she's just joking."
Come on people common sense here!

Sarahsax, I do understand your point of view - you're right that ignorance is everywhere - but not only is it not Soph's responsibility to correct it, this wasn't ignorant - that comment was malicious.

Pitying malicious behaviour, and attempting to be understanding in the face of such malice is harmful, as it shows this girl that no matter what she does or says, no matter who she hurts, she can simply say "I didn't mean it like that" and all is forgiven. Shouldn't she learn now that [deliberately] hurting other people is unacceptable?

Oh, suprise, suprise!

How do you know what I have and havent done!?!

Right: Put yourself in my shoes:

Your brother is in Afghanistan, and he is on the frontline, anything could happen, and you are struggling with the worrying and the what ifs...

Someone who you thought was your friend comes out with: 'well if i want to know what a near death experience feels like, I will ask your brother'! It doesnt help, and it doesnt just upset it adds more to the worry.

I am sure you would react the same! Now do you see?