or two, so they

asked the policeman to take out his hedge-trimmers and make a start...

however his proficiency was doubtful, so he actually

chopped their heads off..

and began to wonder if he should arrest himself..

but thought the better of it, as his alter ego was taking over.

So he went to the bakers and bought a doughnut, but on the way out

he had a compulsive urge to buy a chainsaw, so he

did, and asked the baker if he could plug it in, but the baker said

sorry, it electrocuted my hamster, so I

bought a pirhana fish instead..

so just plug it into him, I'm sure he'll understand. The policeman did this, and

ended up with a Moray eel which

promptly bit him on the

2nd Tuesday after Easter, so

being Eastertide, he sang Allelulia, one with many melismas but

decided to settle down with an interesting newspaper article instead. ...





Once upon a time there was a music teacher who liked to be nervous when teaching but a Little Yellow Duck which made him squeal like a mouse which made him eat jelly pie and then he went into a deep sleep before picking up a wellington in which he placed some chicken noodles for his Great Aunt who is as fat as 100 people put together which shows how much she likes jelly babies especially with peanut butter which is a well-known medicinal cure for piles of sheet music, which once cured become smoked like a kipper because as from today, July 1st, smoking has gone up in a puff of smoke because Puff the Magic Dragon and Ianto the Dragon had a disagreement about whether or not they would still be allowed in pubs. Puff said they would, Ianto said they wouldn't, so in the end they decided to ask St George if he would throw a coin, but George said he'd rather throw a party, so we all made for George's place!!!
But, on the way there, a very strange thing happened. Skylark said, "I'll buy a round of drinks!" and everyone fainted so they had to call upon the services of a forum doctor to administer first aid and when he arrived he started singing "Where do I begin..." so skylark whipped out her clarinet and walloped him over the head with it.
After whallpoing the doc over the head, skylark gave a wonderful rendition of 'Heart and Soul' which made the bartender hide in the corner crying, because he'd never heard such a wonderful rendition of 'Heart and Soul' on a clarinet shaped like the good doc's head. All his customers were shouting Encore! Encore! so she walloped the barman over the head as an encore and he landed on the cat which promtly scratched him violently because the barman had not stuck to his diet and he'd eaten the following week's supply of cat food which is chock full of calories, so he decided to leave the drunkards and headed down to the gym but by the time he got there it was closed. Alas this was the first visit to the Gym for a very long time and he had forgotten what to do and how so he headed to the nearest kebab place and bought the biggest, greasist wig that he could find to cover his big, spotty derriere of which he was dreadfully ahamed and he vowed never to eat cat food again, so we all left the pub and went to bed.
Early one morning, just as the sun was rising, a strange noise was heard in the distance. 'Twas a mighty strange noise, the likes I had never heard before and I pizzled puzzled over what it could be, until I realised it was my new Mickey Mouse alarm clock going off, so I jumped up! threw on some clothes and headed straight out the door, only the door wasn't open so I ended up in casualty where I bumped into Robodoc, holding the biggest needle and syringe I have ever seen so I ducked around the corner to avoid it, unaware that it wasn't really a needle and syringe, it was something that looked very similar, like a large bottle of gin with a cocktail straw. "What do you intend doing with that?" I asked, but before he could answer, the door flew open so I flew out and stepped straight onto a banana skin which let out a 'yelp!' so I stepped on it again and then a poilceman arrived who said "I'm arresting you for GBH to a banana skin," to which I replied, "I didn't know Grievous Bananaskin Harm was a crime," and so I stole his hat and ran straight into a lampost but fortunately I didn't hurt myself because it was made of rubber! Just like the truncheon which the policeman was hitting me over the head with! I said, "Hey Plod, off before I call my aquaintances Addy and Liddy who will launch into a medley of Gilbert and Sullivan favourites," and the policeman looked at me in horror, before joining in!
Suddenly, he realised he was being watched by Martians who evidently really needed to get a hair cut, or two, so they asked the policeman to take out his hedge-trimmers and make a start, however his proficiency was doubtful, so he actually chopped their heads off and began to wonder if he should arrest himself but thought the better of it, as his alter ego was taking over.
So he went to the bakers and bought a doughnut, but on the way out he had a compulsive urge to buy a chainsaw, so he did, and asked the baker if he could plug it in, but the baker said "Sorry, it electrocuted my hamster, so I bought a pirhana fish instead, so just plug it into him, I'm sure he'll understand." The policeman did this, and ended up with a Moray Eel which promtly bit him on the 2nd Tuesday after Easter.


Having read the article, he decided to...

make a paper hat with the newspaper...









**Stroof Wossy!!! Well done...weather must be bad up there!!!! **

*Love the word "pizzled"!!!

which he decided to wear to the..


*Yes!! Was there only the one mistake? *

**It makes no sense at the start **

dentists appointment a week on Thursday



*Probably...but I just loved "pizzled"!!! *

Dare you to do the same with OLTVA!!!!!!

which he was looking forward to because...

*work in progress my dear... *

he fancied the Dental Nurse..


*Blimey....it will be longer than War and Peace!!*

who in her spare time...

*perhaps just the last 50 pages or something then! *

was a Beethoven lookalike..





**Go for it lovey!**

but wasn't entirely successful due to the fact that

*coming soon...or not so soon! *

she had a beard whereas Beethoven didn't, so

he headed into town to the dentist. On the way

he bought a "How to tell the Lady you love she has a beard without offending her" magazine which

helped him no end when he got to the dentist and found out that she was free that very evening! He...

placed the magazine in a very discreet place hoping she would see it and

sat back in his chair. He watched her as she...

tied a very beautiful French plait in her beard, but he couldn't help saying..

"Umm...Violette, you look kind of, like, err...Gandalf, but

that French plait would taste much better with some cheese







....whereas once you get into it, it makes perfect sense... obviously

to which Violette replied "Brie or Wensleydale?" and he said

well Brie is from Yorkshire and Wensleydale is from France, so

"BRIE!!!!"


(please ignore this idiotic post, my liking for Yorkshire is showing through again )

he said "My lady love is so clever!" to which she replied

please vote for me then

To which he was completely bewildered and presumed she had overdosed on the anaesthetic, so ....

he quickly swallowed the pink gin in the basin

then he went for a walk in the

woods only to see someone pinning up a notice which read NO! VOTE FOR FLOSSY!!. Then he

found some dental floss in his pocket

he spotted a beautiful, multicoloured parrot which appeared to be muttering a phrase sounding awfully like 'VOTE FOR PIANOSECRETS-X' ...

Ooops, double post

so he used the dental floss on the parrot's beak

because he was so amazed that it could say 'hyphen', and

by the time he'd finished flossing, it had turned into a skylark

The skylark then, in all the madness, shot into the dark night sky, and burst into flames.....

...