the conductor, who was just putting his clothes back on. Before he could undress again, the pianist quickly rattled off the entire

Emperor Piano Concerto, which, if my memory serves me right, he was there for in the first place!!!

"Bravo!! Encore!!" shouted the

workmen who had been fixing the roof. Unfortunately, so enthused were they in their applause that they failed to notice

that they were all dressed like The Village People. "Y M C A!!" they began..

and the one dressed like an Indian started to send up smoke signals from the roof. Before anyone could say 'Tonto

', from out of the sky there came an enormous green

heap big twit in headdress", the fire officers arrived. "Wooooo" swooned the lady choristers


Ahhh! ....an enormous green light surrounded by

fire-officers from the 'alternative' fire brigade. Their fire-engine was powered organically by

horse manure and

hot air from the mouths of local politicians

"Swoon ye not ladies!" Said the chief fire officer "We will save you by

mouth-to-mouth if that is what it takes to stop you swooning!' This statement caused the lady choristers to

turning the green light in this district into red

"OOh I say! We are not that kind of lady!" said the chorister "That's not

what this colour means, we're just blushing at the thought of the mouth to mouth.'

"Kiss me!!! Kiss me!! I need it first! Gasp gasp!" Cried the

the guest soprano, Lesley Garlic, who was renowned for her bad breath.

and at the last gasp everyone actually swooned, overcome by the garlic fumes.

"Don't worry, I'll save her!" cried

the trombonist, who had the worst halitosis in the world. Before he could get to her

he swooned as well, being allergic to garlic.


(get out of that)

"Worry not!" cried the chief fire officer "We carry ambu-bags to place over victims mouths in such circumstances!! I also have an adrenalin shot!! I was a boy scout and was taught to be


(OK? )

highly proficient in the delivery of injectable medicines via the buttock".

And turning the trombonist over, he proceeded to expose his

rather lovely tattoo of

"The Moaning Lisa" and proceeded to stick the needle right between

those smug lips of

her

-s. "Right," he says...


(Blimey! What on earth?!)

'This should sort you out.' A peculiar mumbling snorting sound emanated from behind him

"that should do it!' With a shriek, the trombonist

(sorry HK!)

started to dance the tango with the violist, but she

had never had ballroom dancing lessons and unfortunately brought her knee up rather sharply

and caught him right in the

...........pit of the stomach......

"OOh, I felt that!" Said the pianist. "So did I!" Wheezed the trombonist. Meantime, the organist

...got switched his instrument on , and got the wind in his pipes..........

, passed wind, and then started to play

"The Wind Beneath my Wings" which resulted in the choristers

bursting into tears, as it reminded them

that they had not rehearsed it and it sounded terrible. "Ugh!!" cried the fire officer, "that's

.no better than a blackbird with constipation..............

"What, may I ask, does a constipated blackbird sound like? If you can do better, be my guest!" Said the conductor. The firemen launched into an a capella version of

London's Burning, which, by a starnge coincidence

wasn't burning at all, but

was six feet under water due to a

firemans hose that was being blamed for this being a

typical British summer. The conductor couldn't take any more and

walked out, leaving everyone in total

elation as they all thought he was a pompous *** anyhow.

And on that note, this story draws to a close.....but fear ye not intrepid music lovers for

the pianist is still here!!! Hoorah!



There once was a pianist who was desperate