Mine is this (with apologies to Gershwin!)


You say Carm - eee - na
I say Carm - eye - na
Let's Carl the whole thing Orff


A

This sounds like a slippery slope, before we know where we are there will be thousands of viola jokes.

And whats wrong with that?

The last time I took my viola out of its case I found the C string had gone.

All right then there now follows a viola joke, followed by a limerick:

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen.
A: Put it in a viola case


Up in Heaven, George H. and J. C.
Meet at least once a week, for high tea.
In December, the din
Of "Messiahs" wears thin,
So they watch game shows on the TV.

I must be thick, I don't get that.

Sorry, it wasn't a joke but the truth, I suspect if I open it again at least one more will have gone.

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

---

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

---

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

---

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

---

Q. How many clarinettists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it takes ages to find the right bulb.

?? Bagpipe player ?? Half way round the world !

'What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?'



'A bull has the horns at the front and the a$$h*le at the back.'










Actually everytime I put a violin under my chin it's a joke...

Bagpipes - they are wonderful.








They are the perfect kindling for an Accordion fire.

Q What do violas and doormats have in common?
A It doesn't matter if you tread on them....

Oh dear. Music jokes.

You beat me to it Deborah, that's the joke I was going to post!

Hey, at least we clarinettists don't spend aaaagges adjusting bulbs to be exactly right, not like some people!

Q: what do you get if you throw a piano down a mine?
A: A flat minor!

not exactly the best joke, but i thought it was hilarious!

Following on...

what do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat Major!

Groan!
What have I started!


A

a major third world war?

Q: what lies between the violas and the first violins?
A: the apes

no offence. i am often an ape.

ok, not really a joke at all, but it made me laugh:

Last week I spent 3 hrs in a rather dull masterclass on playing J.S. Bach on the clavichord (not that theres anything wrong with that, but just take my word for it, this particular class was dull...) In particular it was about performing contrapuntal works and all prepared pieces which were performed were from Bach's 48. Come the end of the class everyone got up to leave and I said discreetly to a friend next to me, well I'm glad thats over, I've got work to do, to which he replied "Yeah, thank fugue for that!"



ah, it was so awful it just cracked me right up.

How many second violins does it take to change a light bulb?

None- they can't get high enough!

How many flautists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one - she holds it, and the world revolves around her!

I've got a funny lightbulb one about the Irish, but here is not the place!

This could apply to anything really, but i just picked it because i use it on my music teacher ALL THE TIME.

How do you get a clarinettist out of a tree?

Cut the noose!



(he plays clarinet/studied it at conservatoire, and keeps going on about how its the best instrument)

Funny though.

He tried a comeback from it......it failed MISERABLY.

Deleted

You'll have to tell me!


A

Its the same as the trees favourite composer....

I don't think I'm going to like this!
Put me out of my misery


A

Deleted

AAARRRGGHHH!!!

I knew I shouldn't have asked!


A

Sorry Arthur I'll get rid of it.

I know where you got that

I posted it on these forums a while back.....

For those of you who are music-theory-inclined, check out the jokes on the following websites:

http://www.jaytomlin.com/music/geek.shtml

http://www.classicalarchives.com/fun.html

Q. How many girl singers does it take to sing "Over the Rainbow"?

A. All of them, apparently.

(Lea DeLaria on "In Tune", Radio 3, 19 Nov 2007)

What do you cal a beautiful woman on the arm of a drummer ?

A tattoo...

Thanks

I just SMS'd it to the brother-in-law who's a drummer with a hot physio' GF.

sorry it's a long post but it's well funny
read it all!

Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions -- their instruments -- so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female.
String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully ... or often.

Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.

Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough.

Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective -- if not respected -- players within each section.

The Woodwinds:

Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumours from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.

English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.

Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs -- their only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.

It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers -- the instruments as well as the players -- and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.

Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.

The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinettists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinettist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.

Let's continue now with the real truth about ...

The Strings:

We begin with the string family's smallest member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one -- the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.

The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They were shabby clothes so that they'll look as if they've just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.

People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player's considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won't end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.

Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?

Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen's teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind players into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right - harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.

Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.

The Brass:

Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenceless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.

Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.

The French Horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.

The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different.

And finally ...

The Percussion:

These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.

And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds ... if anything.

A pro viola joke for a change.


Q. Why are violas bigger than violins?

A. They're not, it's an optical illusion, its just that violinist's heads are bigger.

My flute teacher said to me something along the lines of "there's only two notes in that bar", and I thought:

Why are there no "Two notes walk into a bar..." jokes?

I pointed this out to her and she said something like "Two notes walk into a bar and one says to the other, I'm feeling a bit quavery tonight."

Ba dum... dum... tsh..........


So, anyone got anything better?

Since we've had a description of the orchestra we had better have a description of a choir:


A Concise Guide to the Chorus...


In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor and bass. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo-soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical or a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now.

Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?" and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, French horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point: the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.

THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they should rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half as long again as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior: The altos are to soprano rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring!

Sopranos think tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway. One curious fact is that although the sopranos swoon while the tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses.

[Comment made on latter sentence: Sopranos may go home with basses, but this is only because their relationship with tenors and basses are best compared to those with husbands and lovers!]

THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think that their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are, too)

Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they and so they never get to sing really loud.

THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few sopranos or altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors that there are always seem to be really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos, swoon?

The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos, because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos, because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses, because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are solid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anyone else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with -but most basses are tuba players at heart.

Basses are the only section that can complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos -except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe, which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.

Passed on by Carol Bowns, Tideswell Singers, Derbyshire - she thought all choral members would have a giggle!

Two notes walked into a bar is a joke!!!

edit: oh no, it's three notes walked into a bar!
sorry!

I consider myself very new to music playing, at least new compared to some members of this board.

But even I'm starting to appreciate the basis of some of this humour, particularly regarding bassess (I play Tuba. Badly).

Thanks for these pearls of humour/insight!

How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten, one to go up the ladder and the other nine to pull it out from underneath him.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten, one to go up the ladder, the other nine to stand around saying 'she'll never get up there...'

Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 51! One to screw in the lightbulb, and 50 to say "Eugh! I could have done it better than thaaaat!"

Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None...they can't get up that high.

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One! He just holds it in the socket and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many basses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "DRESSER"

As a bodhran-player, and thus the butt of every joke on the traditional-music scene, I have to have a large repertoire of bodhran-player jokes. Think of it as pre-emptive self-defence, like a squid squirting ink.

A lot of these jokes are recycled drummer-jokes, but this one is one of my favourites:

Q. How d'you know there's a bodhran-player at your door?
A. They just keep on banging away, but never know when to come in.

And here's my favourite drummer-joke:

Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum-machine?
A. With the machine you only have to punch the rhythm in once.

And a general musician joke:

Q. What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A. A large pizza can feed a family.

Don't get it- could you explain please?

If f is forte, what is ff?

80! OK, that is a bit lame...

A red head walks into her DR and says "Wherever I touch it hurts" - she touches her head and cries out, touches her arm and cries out, touches her leg and cries out

The Dr says "you are not really a redhead are you?"
"No" she replies "I am a blonde"
"Thought so" said the DR "you have a broken finger!"

The musical connection? I heard it on Classic FM

You're in a desert and you see a good viola player, a bad viola player, and an oasis. Which do you head for?

The bad viola player - the other two are just figments of your imagination!

[No offence to viola players... I used to be one myself...]