Argh, I feel like a heel.

Have just been to parents' evening and for the first time in my life have complained fairly vigorously about something at school. My son didn't want me to say anything, but I feel strongly that he isn't getting the input he needs on a particular subject that he wants to study at Uni later. I had discussed it with various family members and friends and all agreed that it needed sorting.

I just feel horrible about having hassled a lovely teacher and knowing that he is going to get more grief from the Head in days to come.....

Oh shoot. I feel horrible.

Teachers have a job to do, and results are important to many students. Lovely or not, this teacher needs to get the best that he can from his pupils. Don't feel guilty about what you did at all. I know a "lovely piano teacher" who feeds her pupils chocolates when they go to her and never tells anyone that they should be doing more practice. Her pupils don't stay with her for any length of time because they don't achieve much. Most kids get one chance at school. Of course you want to do the best that you can for your son. Well done for speaking out about the situation.

I think the fact that this is the first time in your life that you've done this sort of thing - when it's almost university level - speaks for itself. You must feel strongly or you wouldn't have bothered! Some parents are chewing at a bone twice a term, and it's like the boy who cries wolf; teachers don't take them under their notice after a while. I'd say you've made your impact. If it needs saying it needs saying - no matter how lovely the teacher.

Couldn't you have gently spoken with/written to the teacher beforehand?

Most diligent teachers have a pretty hard time working in today's schools, and could do without grief from their subject head.

I think that most head teachers would try to do something to help rather than to cause grief . It is not always easy to approach staff members and a parents' evening is the place to voice any problems. There will be staff meetings after the event when any problems will be discussed.

Sue, I'm sorry, but I don't think you qualify at all - taking a strong stance once in a blue moon simply isn't pushy behaviour! Contact with teachers at secondary school isn't always easy and e-mail (which we can use) is definitely not the form of communication of choice about something really important as so much can be misunderstood that way. Sometimes you have to sieze the moment and for you it was parents' evening. I think the subject teacher is the right first approach, giving them a chance to rectify matters without feeling that it's been imposed on them from above. If matters don't improve (and I hope they do), then it's a matter for the head of department, head of year and so on.

Good luck

Well done, SueHM
I think you have done absolutely the right thing - as you are supporting your son then you shouldn't feel any guilt at all.
The teacher should be pleased that you are actually taking notice of progress and why it isn't as good as it might be!

Teaching is not an easy job at all - methods, philosophies, discipline, perceptions of roles etc have never made it any easier; nonetheless, it is a teacher's responsibility to do all he can to ensure each child gets the best and most appropriate teaching, and that the pupil does his best learning in school. That also requires parent support - which at times may involve questioning, probing and even complaining.

Most professionals, teachers, doctors and so on, do their very best in difficult circumstances. The majority of them welcome feedback - it's not always easy to measure your own efforts.

Someone else has said that children only get the one chance (generally) so it should be the best possible.

Don't feel bad about it !

Thanks everyone. I do still bad about it as I think I went a bit off the deep end. I've e mailed the subject teacher today to explain that I do have faith in him etc and apologise for ambushing him. I had intended to speak to him calmly on another occasion, but was encouraged to go and speak to him by another teacher. Knowing I only had a few minutes to get my point across, I think I waded in a bit too heavily. I know I've done the right thing in voicing my concerns, I just feel that I handled it rather badly. I'm feeling a bit tired and emotional and there are some other issues to do with this particular child, and I am doing the parental guilt trip big style! Sigh..

I don't think you should feel terrible. Ask yourself how many times you've received arrogant or patronising school letters, memos, comments in books etc!

However, I never say too much in person because I tend to regret it afterwards as well. I find the best way is by letter - which drafted over many days allows you to collect your thoughts, then a quick chat on the phone.

I said it before and I'll say it now. You should treat a school as a professional treats another professional. They will not hesitate to call staff meetings, draft reports, write letters etc whenever there's a problem, so why not you? It is an institution paid from your taxes to provide a service. Be very polite but business like .... and as tough as nails!

Steve

Look at it this way - however bad you were (and you weren't as bad as you imagine), you are absolutely definitely not the worst that teacher has ever had to deal with

I think on the whole a teacher would far rather know that you feel there is a problem, and will understand that sometimes when things are very important to a parent they get expressed in a way which is less than ideal.

Don't go on the guilt trip - it won't help. If you feel there are things you should have done earlier to help the situation, just accept that the time has gone, and start doing them now.

Don't expect the teacher to be able to work miracles either; children can usually do a lot to help themselves to learn, and it's easier for them to blame the teaching than to admit that they're not interested enough to bother. I'm not saying this is the case with your son - I don't have any knowledge of the situation - but I've seen this type of scenario a lot at GCSE and 6th form level in the school where I work. Many students expect to be spoon-fed when they should be starting to take responsibility for their own learning.

Hope things work out for your son and that you feel much better soon.

As someone who has experienced this from a slightly different angle, and hated it, strangely I think you did the right thing. There are so many parents these days who don't give a ... anything about what their children are learning in our out of school, that someone showing an interest cannot be a bad thing. I'd say to stand by what you must originally have believed.

All your comments gratefully received and appreciated. I have been on a huge guilt trip about the whole thing and am starting to calm down a bit. I do have faith in the school (and my son!) and have sent a nice email to the teacher concerned to say that. I know I did the right thing - I'm having a very stressy week for other reasons and this has all got a bit out of proportion for me...

For what it's worth, real pushy parents don't feel guilt - it never occurs to them that they might have need to.

Very good point