I have just spoken to the mother of a teenager doing Highers at school. Out of 18 possible teaching weeks so far this academic year she has only attended 9 lessons. I explained (as nicely as I could) that there is a great demand for lessons just now and it was difficult to keep this slot open unless she could commit to coming more regularly. I also explained that as she is also having lessons at school (same instrument) there may be overlap in teaching materials (especially as she has been working on Prelim pieces), and also that sometimes different teaching styles may appear to be contradictory, and therefore confusing. I don't always know when this girl is not coming for her lesson, and have waived quite a a few "late cancellation" fees, but pointed out to the mother that I would now have to enforce it.

She is not happy! And I feel so guilty now, even though I think I have been reasonably patient. She has agreed to talk to the daughter and phone me back before Thursday. I really don't want another confrontation with her, even on the phone, because I find it really hard to be assertive - and really hard to be hard. And after trying to state my case calmly, I am a mass of quaking nerves. Was this the right thing to do?

Yes, absolutely. You have to earn an income after all, and shouldn't be messed around like this.

You may find she is much more reasonable once she has had some time to think about the situation. I think you were being perfectly fair for what it's worth.

Yes, undoubtedly - I agree with HG (and nmm).

Please don't beat yourself up over this! There really is no reason for you to feel guilty (easier said than done though - I know!) They have already messed you around - you shouldn't have to feel badly about it as well.

I too had to read the rule-book this week - a rather straight-and-to-the-point e-mail to tell someone their invoice is overdue. Don't know why I feel bad about doing it - after two polite verbal reminders, and five lessons, all attended ... !

Hope the outcome is satisfactory.

Argh, why do WE end up feeling guilty, when we have done nothing wrong? I know exactly how you feel. Take a deep breath and move on. You have been more than reasonable and patient in allowing this unsatisfactory situation to go on for so long. Could be the Mother didn't know about the missed lessons. Either way you will have some sort of resolution now. Chin up.

I think that you have been more than patient; someone else might really want music lessons and have been told (perhaps by the school) that there are no slots available. You have also had your time wasted and lost income because of someone just not bothering to turn up!

You have probably drawn the mother's attention to the fact that her daughter is missing lessons, and she might not have realised the extent of the issue. If I were paying for someone to have music lessons, I would certainly want to know whether they were being attended! It's also quite rude of the parents to think that they can just leave you waiting for them to grace you with their presence as if you have nothing better to do with your time - and then not to compensate you for that! If they missed a dentist's, orthodontist's or optician's appointment, they would probably expect to be charged for it!

I haven't ever taught music, but I used to do a lot of private maths tuition and I think that you have been very good-natured about the whole thing; the child is wasting your time and her parents' money - either she wants to learn music with you (in which case she needs to start by turning up to the lessons) or she doesn't (so they need to tell you, and then someone else could have her slot).

If she hadn't turned up to school lessons (maths or English or Geography or whatever), then the school office would have rung home, probably that day, and the girl would have been in serious trouble for skipping school, and not one of the class teachers would have felt guilty about telling the parents. Neither would the parents (probably) have been paying directly for her school lessons, so in effect you are saving the parents some money by letting them know and by waiving some of your fees!

(Sorry. I see no reason at all for you to feel guilty because some child doesn't turn up to your lessons and you have the courtesy to tell the child's parents so that they don't end up with a substantial bill for music lessons that weren't attended!)

That probably comes across as really grumpy - sorry! - but you seem to be being a little hard on yourself for making a polite attempt to sort out a problem that is definitely not your fault!

I agree with everything ellie has said. People like this give students a bad name.

Because you're all nice people who care about your students and care about teaching well.

There are lots of us who do appreciate this and would be lost without our music teachers.

When I read your "I'm feeling so guilty..." title and the first half of your first posting, I began to anticipate a scenario something like: ...the child has been diagnosed with ME, glandular fever, leukaemia (perish the thought) etc. The others are right - why do we find ourselves feeling guilty and apologising for being the ones who are trying to make an honest living and run a business.

What painter and decorator would tolerate a situation when he was asked to come on a weekly basis to do a job and half the time he didn't find anyone there to let him in? He would tell you where to get off as he would be losing other business while he is left standing at your door. This is a silly example, I know, but I hope it illustrates how in the "real world" such shabby treatment by customers would not be tolerated.

I'd say, be as good as your word. Get shot of both pupil and parent once and for all. You don't need that sort of treatment.

LR

Hear, hear!

Awwww, thanks!

Absolutely! It's just not acceptable for anyone to miss 9 lessons out of 18. As others have said, you should not be feeling guilty and although I know how you're feeling, you are completely in the right and if the mother can't see that and accept that things have to change, then you should say goodbye to her daughter and replace her with someone who will appreciate you.

With the two teachers my sons have, I can't imagine getting to lesson 18, missing 9 of them, without being contacted much earlier to ask what we were playing at (or, if they were being tactful, to ask if there was a problem). I think you've been very tolerant and have done the right thing speaking to the mother. I hope that your student realises that it's not on and pulls her socks up, or that you get another, more reliable student, in her place.

Yes, have to agree...sounds as if mother may not have known about the situation, and you were just getting a "rehearsal" of what daughter was about to hear in full later on!

I have a student like this, and put up with it since it's a family friend/near freebie, and the kid is in a bit of a mess...but no work = failure. In the end, it's a matter of dealing with the failure or doing something about the work, and nobody else can do that for the student. I think you are right to expect her to deal with the situation she has created, whatever reason she may have had.

I think the mother did know what was happening - this family live over on the other side of the island, and she gets a lift back from her lessons with Mum or Dad.

But thank you so much for these supportive replies. I was so fed up, miserable and depressed last night that I was ready to jack in teaching. I am still waiting, in trepidation, for the mother to ring back....

Don't let the phone call bother you...the two possible outcomes have already been determined when you called her before. This phone call is just a confirmation.

Either mother agrees to the enforcement of conditions, or she ships anchor and away she sails, dinghy in tow.

So if she does anything but apologize and agree, just tell her serenely how kind it was of her to call and give you notice...if she wants to wiggle out with excuses, she can be calmly encouraged to discuss all these "needs" with the other teacher, and if she's just wanting to bluster, there's always the infuriating but effective "I'm so sorry you feel this way", and boringly and calmly repeat that in that case, the lesson on date x will be the last...

Thinking of you.

Let us know what happens.

Perhaps they hoped you hadn't noticed. Seriously she was probably aware but the situation may have been out with her control. Perhaps she's been unable to get her daughter to attend lessons.

I hope it works out for you and don't even think of giving up teaching. Teachers who care enough to take some action can't be doing much wrong.

Thanks for all the support - it has really helped me to start feeling better about it all.

And she has rung back. We have caller display, so I took the easy option and ignored it, meaning she could leave a message without any confrontation (which would take its toll on me whilst leaving her unscathed).

The message was that the girl wants to continue, and will be there for her lesson tomorrow at the normal time. But there was not even the remotest hint of apology.

We were about to have our evening meal, but suddenly I've lost my appetite.

Thanks for all the support - it has really helped me to start feeling better about it all.

And she has rung back. We have caller display, so I took the easy option and ignored it, meaning she could leave a message without any confrontation (which would take its toll on me whilst leaving her unscathed).

The message was that the girl wants to continue, and will be there for her lesson tomorrow at the normal time. But there was not even the remotest hint of apology.

We were about to have our evening meal, but suddenly I've lost my appetite.

[Oops - sent twice by accident because the connection got interrupted!]

Enjoy your meal and cross the next bridge when it comes. The girl may infact apologise especially if she's the one who's been messing about over the lessons.

If nothing is forthcoming it might be as well to point out that she is now on trial and another missed lesson will mean she's had her last.

Good luck!

I would try to move forward, but make it clear that you expect regular attendance from now on and that they have to pay for any missed lessons without due warning.
If I were you, I would make sure that the girl knows what's expected and that you have to have a certain amount of commitment from her.
What a shame that the mother wasn't apologetic, though.
Best of luck!

Yes, you are right, jenny, and tomorrow I will be relaying some ground rules....hopefully that will enable us both to move on.

Good luck tomorrow !

It would be nice if the girl apologised tomorrow but I wouldn't bank on it. They don't sound as if they have much respect for anyone else. They don't deserve you - I'm sure there must be plenty of other students out there who will appreciate you, and if you've got to the stage where they're causing you anxiety, you're better off without them. Hope they've had a change of heart tomorrow though - good luck!

Do the parents of this girl work (probably yes), and could they afford to loose 50% of their wages through no fault of their own? (probably no!) so why on earth should they think that it is ok to expect you to do so?!

Perhaps a termly, or half termly invoice payable in advance might be better in this situation. This is the norm for other activities that my children do such as dance, swimming, speech and drama, gym, so perhaps it should be accepted as the norm for music lessons. This would mean that you wouldn't miss out financially, but also probably people would be less inclined to miss unless it was genuinely unavoidable, which I imagine would be more rewarding for you in terms of progression and consistency.

Don't feel guilty, feel proud of yourself for standing up for yourself, and continue in this fashion in tomorrows lesson - don't let her walk over you!!

It is over for this week. She has had her lesson and departed. It was all rather strained, and as with the mother there was no hint of apology. And she turned up quarter of an hour early, apparently expecting me to teach her until the usual time! She was fortunate in that I happened to have a cancellation before her lesson on this occasion, but I pointed out that I would have to charge her for the extra time, and wrote it in her notebook so that there is a record. I dont feel I can afford to take chances with any more "misunderstandings".

We also discussed / agreed what I would teach her, and what the other teacher was concentrating on with her. The other tutor is doing traditional tunes in preparation for RSAMD Grade 4 (she's a fiddler at heart) - but apparently is leaving the slog of scale-learning up to me. I am left wondering if she knew he might gloss over this, and if this is one of the reasons she chose to continue with me. Whatever the situation, I will keep close tabs on this one, and make noises much earlier if there are any other problems.

Thank you for all your support. It has meant a lot, and made a bad week more bearable.

Well done for sticking to your guns re the extra time. Keep up your 'zero tolerance' policy and make sure you continue to enforce your rules. They have been rude and inconsiderate towards you and you do not owe them any favours. Stay strong!

I would just be a bit careful here. Although she arrived so early (did she say why?), you wouldn't normally have been able to start her lesson straight away and she would have had to sit and wait until the previous pupil had finished. She couldn't have anticipated that this would happen and so I'm wondering if her mum will object to paying for a longer lesson.

Please don't think I'm criticizing - far from it - but as you've been so badly treated by these people, I suppose I'm looking at the worst possible scenario!

Hope thing settle down for you.