I've been asked by Amber to apologise for her temporary absence from the forum.
Her mum died peacefully in her sleep today so she will, understandably, be offline for a time.
Please spare a though for her and her family at this sad time.

Many sympathies to Amber.
Bev xxxxx

Oh, sad news for Amber. Hugs and condolences from all of us. Will be thinking of you. xx

Thinking of you Amber and your family at this sad time.

Thinking of you Amber. I know just how you're feeling at the moment.

Hope to see you again soon
Love DC x

I'm very sorry to hear your sad news, Amber.

Thinking of you,
skylark x

I'm so sorry Amber.

Our commiserations Amber.
L & M

So sorry to hear about your mum, Amber. There's never a good time to lose a parent, but your mum will live on in your memories as long as you live.

Thinking of you. BM

Oh, Amber. I am so very sorry. *very gentle hugs* xx

Sympathies to Amber. *hugs*

Many condolences, Amber. Bagpuss and I lost our mum four years ago now...it's such a difficult time *sends hugs*

Hi everyone,

I asked Sbhoa if she would post this because I didn't think I would get a chance and I was feeling very discombobulated earlier.

However it's now 3am and I can't sleep..........!

Mum fell and fractured her arm a couple of weeks ago. This made her rather nervous about getting up and walking, and she was more confused than normal from her dementia.

We went up to Aberdeenshire to visit her last weekend, and I was shocked to see how poorly she was looking. Such a rapid deterioration from the time before. But I thought to myself, well her body is using all its energy to heal her broken arm, so it's no wonder she's very sleepy and a bit incoherent.

I sat with her, held her hand, helped her to sip her tea, combed her hair and massaged her feet, cleaned her up when she was sick and got her tucked back into bed again. The last thing she said to me was "I feel content". At the time I wondered whether that had a deeper meaning, but then told myself off for reading too much into things. Prior to that I overheard her say to my brother-in-law that I'd "been marvellous", which was nice to hear at the time but now has become such a precious memory to me.

During this past week she developed a chest infection, and despite being given antibiotics, she continued to deteriorate. This afternoon she went off to sleep, and quietly passed away. She waited till my sister and brother-in-law had left and died ten minutes later. Typical Mum not wanting to make a fuss, but just to quietly slip away! There were two nurses with her, so she wasn't left unattended. And I met them last weekend and they are both lovely people.

I still can't believe it, as it's been rather sudden. But I'm grateful for her sake as well as everyone else's that she didn't suffer and that it was peaceful. Oddly enough I became very tearful just at the time she passed, even though I had no idea at that time she had gone. I just felt something, I don't know, just different and felt very sad about her. I do wonder whether we have ways of communicating that we don't know too much about.

I'm trying to make plans of what I need to do, who I need to contact etc., especially with regards to work and cancelling clients, while I'm still in this numb sort of state. I have a hunch that when the feelings kick in I'm not going to be much use to anyone for a while! When I get up to Scotland I won't have internet access, so I apologise in advance for my absence from the forums.

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages. Also to all the super sleuths who've managed to find out things about the Sunday Morning piece on my other thread. It's too painful to talk about why that particular piece of music is so important to me, but suffice to say it's connected to my mum.

Thank you everyone,

Ambs xxx

So sorry to hear the news, Amber.

My condolences, dearest Amber and family...

Very sorry to hear your news

So sorry to hear your news. You are in my thoughts.

I doubt you will read this for a while, Amber, but thanks for posting. I guessed, when I read sbhoa's message yesterday afternoon that the piece of music was connected. No need for explanation!

She waited till my sister and brother-in-law had left and died ten minutes later.

That sounds familiar. Almost as though waiting for a chance to slip away .

I do wonder whether we have ways of communicating that we don't know too much about.

Yes, I'm sure we do.

Not an easy time for you Amber, lots of thoughts coming your way.
Hang on to those nice memories. Hope the admin stuff is straightforward and not too stressful.

So sorry to hear your news Amber

xxx

So sorry to hear your news Amber.
Go easy on yourself for a bit.
My Dad died about 18 months ago and my mum has dementia.... so I understand both of these things.
Take care Amber.

Amber we have only met the once, but I feel I know you enough to be able to join in with the others in giving you my sincere condolences.

I found your description of the last few hours with your mum so touching it honestly brought tears to my eyes. I well remember my own experience of losing my mum.

Take care,

Gerald xx

Sorry to hear about this

Car Expert

Deepest sympathies Amber.

*hugs*
c*p xx

Thinking of you - mr cd and I both know what it's like to lose a parent.......

Very sorry Amber. I thought your post was a lovely tribute to your mum. Take care of yourself at this sad time.

Amber, I'm so sorry to hear of your mum's passing. Wishing you strength and love at this time.

Allan x

Lotsa love hon - be kind to yourself.

B x

Very sorry to hear your sad news, Amber.....

Thank you everyone for your very kind messages, they are lovely to read.

My initial numbness and shock has given way to so much sadness now, and I'm very tearful but in an unpredictable way. Like I'll be alright one moment, then the next moment I'm not. I know I "should" have gone to choir practice last night, but I just couldn't guarantee being able to hold it together and the last thing I wanted to risk was to end up in floods of tears. That would have been so awkward for everyone and embarrassing for me.

It's really difficult when I see people I know and they say "how are you?" I don't want to lie and say "Oh great thanks" and I'm not sure I'm that good an actor anyway. But then when I tell them, they just look really uncomfortable and then I feel bad that I've upset them. I just don't know how to handle it.

And then there's that paradoxical situation of feeling very sad and alone and really needing support, but just not having either the courage or the energy to pick up the phone and talk to anyone. Is that normal, or am I just weird?

(sorry)
Ambs x

Ambs, I will e-mail you my phone number.

There really isn't any " should", you know - I think singing is one of the hardest things to do when you feel wobbly, for whatever reason. I tried to have a singing lesson the day after my father died. It was not a good idea ! ...

Be kind to yourself!

xx

Hi Amber

I think the unpredictability is really hard, and very common. I bumped into an acquaintance in the supermarket once and in the course of the conversation, I casually asked if they were still living in the same place. She suddenly burst into tears and started sobbing, in the middle of the supermarket. Her husband explained that her mother had recently passed away and they'd decided to move into her mother's house which she'd inherited. When your emotions are very raw, anything can act as the trigger. But many people, especially of our generation, have experienced some form of bereavement amongst close family or friends, and I'm sure everyone will understand, even if they're not sure how best to react.

I said to someone the other day that it's very difficult for friends of a bereaved person to get the balance right between not wanting to intrude and not wanting to appear as if you don't care. So just like you not having the energy to pick up the phone, your friends are maybe thinking that they want to pick up the phone but don't like to do so in case they intrude on your mourning. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm sure that your friends will be there for you when you are ready to talk to them.

Make sure you get plenty of hugs!


Depending on who it is, I might be inclined to say something like "oh well, a bit up and down" or "not too bad, thanks", but I would immediately follow on with "how about you/little Johnny/whoever" so that it took the conversation into a "safe" area again.

Amber, you are very normal.
People do ask and then look uncomfortable. You might answer with a shrug, and a "well, you know"; then you can see their response and judge whether to say anymore.
THe up and downs are normal too, they go on for a while.
Just go with your feelings, don't lock it away because that makes people ill. Let it all hang out, with the "right" friends.
PM me if you want.
Bev

Not weird at all. I am in a similar situation and I react the same way - some people get me perfectly composed, other times I will just cry. I also feel an obligation to say I'm fine.
(I don't know whether being the same as me equates to normal though )

It is completely normal to feel like that - and normal to wonder if it is too. People don't know how to react, but the embarrassment should be theirs, not yours - numbness, confusion, unexpected teariness at odd times, inability to react emotionally when you might expect to, anger at the person you have lost or are losing, even hearing their voice or thinking you caught sight of them somewhere in the street - all this is very very common, and does not suggest any sort of cracking up - it's part of how we process this one. One of the worst things I think is feeling one has to in some way try to console or prop up those who don't know how to react to us in this situation - don't even try, be as you feel at the time, it's you who are trying to recover.
Yes, and my thoughts for everyone in this situation just now - having been in parallel ones, I can fully appreciate how this might feel.

Hello Amber,

I agree with what others have posted. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. When my step-dad passed away on 28th Feb, all my sisters and I were (and still are) devastated. Some may say he was "only" a step-dad. True only in name...he was just like a father to all of us. I knew him for as long as I knew my father and the grief at losing him is just as strong as when my father passed away in 1983. He has left a huge gap in our lives, as I'm sure your mother has yours.

People will feel awkward when they see you, as they want to know how you are, but don't want to upset you at the same time. Give yourself time to grieve before taking on your musical activities again.

Lots of people have offered their 'phone numbers. I have yours but don't want to overwhelm you. I will call you in the near future though. Feel free to PM.

Take care of yourself.

Love DC x

Amber, it was a real pleasure to meet you at long last at my Rotherhithe concert. My sincerest heartfelt condolences at this time.

Feel free to PM me. Grief affects everyone differently, but everything you have said so far is in the bounds of normal and to be expected.

From what you have said, she hung on until she saw everyone she wanted to see, or had at least spoken to them. Allow yourself the time and space you need.

You and your family will be remembered in my prayers as you adjust to your loss.

Jo.

I agree with all the above posts - what you describe is absolutely normal...

.

Thank you everyone for your very kind replies, especially your reassurances that what I'm going through is normal.

Daisychain and Mezzo, I am so so sorry to hear of your losses, and I send you my love and kindest wishes at this time which is so sad for you.

Thank you also to everyone who has sent me emails and PMs. I feel too physically shattered to respond to them individually at the moment (I think now the adrenaline is beginning to wear off I am just exhausted today), but they mean so much to me at this time, so thank you all so much.

Ambs xx

Don't forget that it is possible to ignore the phone if you don't feel like talking - but sometimes nice to have the choice.

Hello everyone,

Thank you again for your good wishes. I am trying to be philosophical and take each day at a time, but for the past three days I've suffered really badly from panic attacks. They seem to be triggered by my concerns about when will be the right time for me to start back to work and the prospect of contacting my 18 clients. I don't want to let them down and I want "normal service" to resume asap, but I'm so scared that I'm not going to be ready.

My husband had to leave me the day after the funeral to go and look after his parents, but I'm pleased to say he's coming back this evening. Nils and I have managed ok, sharing the cooking and washing up, and I've managed to hide my panic attacks from him (don't want to worry him nor model bad behaviour).

I find I dread it when the phone rings because I'm not up to speaking to anyone, and even emailing is quite difficult. I also feel awkward about leaving the house because I don't want to risk bumping into the neighbours.

I've also heard that a cousin of mine has only a few weeks left to live, so our family will have another death very soon. I wasn't especially close to him, so it won't be such a loss as losing my mum was. But a couple of his sisters and brothers came up to Aberdeenshire to be with us at the funeral on Monday, so I feel it is only right that I should be there with them in Bristol to support them. But I'm a bit worried that it might trigger all sorts of things in me, and set me back a bit. Just at the time when I should be going back to work.

So it's all a bit of a mess.

In amidst of all this I am thinking of those other forumites who are going/have gone through similar, and send my love to you.

Ambs xx

It's not modelling 'bad behaviour' Amber. It's entirely natural and affects everyone differently. I'm sure Nils would understand, and it might ease the pressure on you if you didn't have to hide that? Just an idea. Please look after yourself.

Thinking of you as ever. Fiona and Matthew. xxx