Ever since uni's started I've been very unassertive - I haven't particularly cared about anything enough to be assertive about it, I've been picking my battles. Now though, I'm in a situation where I have to be assertive, and it being a delicate situation, need to know who to go about it without alienating people.

Basically, I have to organise housing for myself and three other people next year, by myself, and I have to try and gently push the others to get involved. One of the others is just unceasingly negative about anything, and, I think, is somewhat delusional about what housing we can get... She's a really nice person, but she just doesn't want to get everything sorted, she wants it to sort itself. Also, she seems to think that if we just wait until the last minute we'll find some manor house or castle that we can live in.

I really want to get it sorted out soon, so when I see a nice student house, I think "let's organise a viewing, and try and get a contract drawn up we can live with", she either doesn't like it, or won't offer an opinion, but she certainly doesn't see it as an option for us to live in... She doesn't think of our housing next year as an issue at all.

Sorry for yet another "next year housing" post, but does anyone know how I can gently persuade people into actually making and sticking to decisions, rather than endlessly prevaricating? I know there's not necessarily a rush, but everyone else I know is sorted! I don't want to end up alienating people, but Im going to have a nervous breakdown soon if I have to worry about this much longer!

I don't think you should be gentle about it, really! What I mean is that you should be firm about it and tell them that you really don't have the time to do it all on your own, and could they please help you out

Sounds like the lass may be used to certain standards from home and is in denial of the differences that student life is bringing.

Persumably your uni has some kind of accommodation office or housing officer? If so can you arrange a group meeting there to talk about your different housing aspirations and what is realistically possible? This might help her to realise that she's being unrealistic and if they present a bleak enough outlook it might shock her into action.

In the past it has sometimes been possible to pick up really good houses at the last minute due to properties changing hands and then entering the rental market for the first time. This is unlikely this year because properties simply aren't being bought in the current economic climate. If the lass is from a very priviledged/wealthy background (and it sounds like she might be) then she may never have needed to consider the implications of economic trends before - and may not realise the ways in which the current situation could affect her.

Do you really need to share with this lass? Do you want to share with her? If her parents are able to supply the money, would she be better having a more exclusive flat to herself and the remaining three of you find a house for yourselves? - just ideas.

Or just the opposite - Think of yourself, sort out something you are happy with even if it means sharing with others and leave the others to sort themselves.


I actually did this in my third year at uni. Short story coming here
I had a very close friend at uni - we were almost like sisters - and another good friend had come into an inheritance (in trust) which her father used to buy her a student house to rent out. We could have all lived together quite easily but I'd lived with my closest friend the previous year and some of the time things were great but being like sisters we'd had some big blow-ups too. ( I won't go into detail here but at the time I felt most of these were caused by her lack of thought/ consideration for my feelings - I was also going through some tough personal stuff at the time but that's another story) Anyway when it came to sorting accomodation out for the following year I was the one trawling shop windows, responding to ads etc. She just sat back and did nothing thinking it'd fall in her lap. I came accross a house which was converted into individual bedsits at a good rent so I took one. It worked for me. I could see my friends without living together so I got my privacy too. The other 2 did end up living together in friend 2s house but that wasn't all a bed of roses so it seemed I was right to follow my instinct and go my own way. Hope you sort it out

Hmm - this is what I was actually trying to say. Dawn's put it much better than I did.

Thought it might sound a bit blunt though hence the anecdote

Do you have to share with this person? It can only get worse. My son has ended up being the House "Parent" for his very immature flatmates. He pays all the bills, which means he is constantly chasing them for money. He organises the rota for cleaning, which the others only do when he yells! He throws out the "sofa surfer", deals with his flatmates ex boyfreind who wont take no for an answer, and much much more. They now just "expect" him to do it. In the end it really got to him and he came home for a few weeks to be looked after by us.

When he went back my husband had to really read the riot act as the place was appalling and the flatmates had practically trashed the place, with no cleaning, not even the bins had been emptied for 3 weeks - oh it was terrible. His flatmates just never learnt to do anything themselves and either thought they should be lazy filthy students or that they were lucky to have our son "looking after" them! It really afftected his University work and made him very depressed.

So please choose your flatmates very carefully and dont feel you have to be "in charge" just get on with your flat hunting and if she doesnt want to be pro-active then you need to take note. Its not just about being assertive its about making sure that you dont become the surrogate mother.

Some very good advice here I think - but advice I'm hesitant to take. I do want to share with this girl, though the situation we're all in now wasn't the first choice of any one of us. To be honest you're right in saying it'd probably be easier for me if I just went off on my own somewhere - I feel like I've been messed around from the beginning to the end of this. The girl asked me to leave my (organised) house of other friends, so she and her boyfriend would have people to live with - so I did, because I like both groups of friends and didn't want to upset people. Then she and her boyfriend decided they might commute and left it all up in the air for weeks, while I fretted.

The thing is, I pushed them to make a decision on whether to commute or not, so I could get things sorted. They decided definitely they would get a house here with me, and another friend... But I think some of the girl's hesitancy comes from the fact that she knows she has a back up plan.

I do want to live with the people I'm planning to live with, mostly so it's not all up in the air again. Living with the people (as I do now, really) is fun, it's cool, and we don't argue, it's just organising thing that seems to be the issue.

Getting a room by myself sounds like a wise idea - but really scary!

Argh Ayshah! Horrible thought! Luckily, I know that this girl and her boyfriend are tidy people, they hold with tidying up after themselves (though we all commiserate together about the messiness of the rest of our flat now). They're scrupulous with money, and household tasks, it's just this extra scary step of finding somewhere to live that seems to be left to me. I imagine I'll have to deal with the contract stuff too, but every day life shouldn't be like that I don't think.

OK. So you know what you want to happen, that's half the battle. Now you asked for assertiveness tips so here's mine for what it's worth. Assertiveness usually means making people aware of the consequences of not doing what you are asking. I really think you need to sit these people down for a "chat". Say something like "Look we agreed we'd get a house together. If we don't get looking we'll end up without a place to live in. (IT DOES HAPPEN!!! I know people who've had to sleep on friends floors for a few weeks as they'd not got anything sorted the previous term.) So, this is what I suggest we do .... blah blah blah blah.....I can't really do it all by myself and I'd appreciate some help. I will do X (find a property?) but I expect you to do y and z (turn up to view, offer your opinion and eventually sign a contract). If you don't then I'll just sort something out for myself and you'll have to sort yourselves out." You say it calmly but firmly and hope you get the message accross. Good luck

DawnF - Thanks. I think I needed someone to push me, to tell me that I do need to say something. I always worry I'll be seen as rude if I try to speak up about what I think should happen. I'll do it on matters of principle (and be very argumentative) but not on things that are just about me...

I'm going to try doing what you've said, I think, and if they accept that, I'll ask them to pick out two or three houses they like the look of, and then email the letting agency. If only it wasn't easter hols next week!

Good on you. Let me know how you get on. Just one more thing - worry a little less about what people think and do/say what will be best for you. One of the things my dad taught me shortly before he died was "Don't be a mug!! no-one thinks any the beteer of you for it" This from the man who often put himself out to help others! What he meant was that it's one thing being kind and helpful and considerate of others but there are times you have to say "NO" and think of yourself otherwise your good nature can be taken advantage of.

It's stood me in good stead in life. I can be very forthright, speak my mind and people don't always like this but I also don't listen to gossip in the sense that I take people as I find them, don't like cliques and with me you always know where you stand because what you see is what you get.

I'm a very social person who tries to be considerate of others, will always help others if I can and have a number of very good friends who appreciate me for who I am BUT I won't bend over backwards desparately trying to please everyone at my own expese. I HAVE learnt to say NO at times.

Well said Dawn. It's taken me rather longer to get to that point than it has you (in life I mean).

Lucky - you seem to be a bit too laid back and willing to fit in with other people's plans (I don't mean that unkindly at all). Reading between the lines I wonder whether your friend and her boyfriend want to come and house share or whether you're just being strung along because they can't be bothered to say no. I think you need to sort out accommodation for you and anyone else who says yes and is proactive with you.

Thanks everyone. If you wanted an update, I tried to gently and politely explain that I was worried to my flatmates, and that I thought we'd have to really start looking and being less negative. I thought it'd made no difference whatsoever, until today, when my flatmate came in from work and said "I think I've found us a house!"

Yay. Still nothing sorted, but it's the first time she's shown any interest at all.

Pleased to hear this, lucky! I expect your flatmates just have a different agenda from you. So are you going to look at the house she's found?

Yes definitely. I'm not really into interior design or anything, and couldn't care less what the house looks like, but it's convenient, and if my flatmate likes it, that's a huge bonus. Hopefully it'll work out.

Have you got a viewing yet?

Remember that the good houses tend to go quite fast (often within a few hours of being listed here!) so they may need a bit of encouragement from you to get them to move quickly.

Hope it works out.

Me too Lucky!!!