We have decided to introduce some new rules and regulations in our company :-

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Company Policy: Effective from APRIL 1st 2009

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a rise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a rise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a rise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

haha. Reminds me of something from about ten years ago - will see if I can find it ...

(ed) sadly I couldn't find it - probably on my old computer.

Sooo funny!!!!

Sounds about right. Today is one of the two days a year in my company when promotions get announced. I'm still secretly hoping that my manager is going to go up to my colleague and tell him his Magic Envelope was an April Fool and really it was for me instead!!
(Actually, I'm not secretly hoping that at all. My colleague deserves it, and it's about damn time we had someone in the UK on the next grade up, even if it isn't me)

At least being promoted in the October round, you can be more sure nobody is going to take it away from you in the afternoon

Edited to take out me sounding far too serious and bothered, and get back to the lighthearted nature of this thread. I'm going to take a good hour for lunch, just you see if I don't

Accompanying a tenor this morning in rehearsal he produced a new piece and commented that the words were all in Italian. I asked him if the notes were also in Italian. He said yes!