I have had a really bad couple of weeks. I have had to make the decision that I can no longer look after my Mother at home. Its been the worst time of my life, she is 92yrs old and has had 5 falls since Christmas.

When I visit her she cries and begs to come home. She says I have taken away her home, our two cats and the garden, which she is unable to do anyway. I have of course done this. The guilt is overwelming.

The home says she is settling, I think it is seeing me that upsets her. I am thinking it may be better not to see her for a while. I have a sister and brother living in the town, and two brothers live away

She is visited by friends too. My piano playing has been awful. My teacher is really good about it all.

Any advice please, Sorry about the miserable post

I have pm'd you Elisabethann.

Hi elisabethann,
It is awful having to put your mother in a home. My mum has been in one for a couple of years now. You feel so guilty but it is sometimes too much of a burden to be looking after them yourself.
My mum is much more settled now . It does get better.
Are you on your own making these decisions? I know it was easier for me to be making decisons with my siblings. I know that no one of us could look after my mum. She needs too much care. It's helpful for siblings to support each other at times like this. How does she behave when your siblings visit?

I am thinking of you....

Oh dear, how distressing for you. Do try to take some comfort from the fact that you kept your Mum at home for as long as you could. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat for safety's sake. My Mum resisted putting my Grandad in a home for ages, and he got into all sorts of scrapes with gas left on, letting unscrupulous callers into the house and so on. You have done the right thing by ensuring that your Mum is in a safe place, where she can be properly cared for.

I suspect that you are right - your Mum is upset by your visits, and is probably quite calm and contented in between times. It's hard on you to see her this way, but hopefully in time she will be able to enjoy your visits. She probably does enjoy them in retrospect. If you feel you need to take a break for a few days, do it and don't feel guilty - you are only human, and your Mum is being well looked after. Perhaps one of your siblings could visit instead?

Would it be possible to take one of your cats in to visit her in the home? Perhaps it would be worth exploring this with the staff. You could let the cat loose in her room, perhaps. If she is missing the garden, perhaps you could take her some nice plants, or a window-box.

My heart goes out to you; it is a decision one dreads to have to make. You know in your heart if you're doing the right thing for your mum. I hope your siblings are helping you with the responsibility of the decision. Be kind to yourself and just do what you can cope with.

Never mind the bloomin' piano! I can never play when I'm upset, or even listen to music I love, though others may find it a solace. It'll come back in good time.

Not sure I can be of any help with advice, but I can offer virtual forum hugs, and am thinking of you if it is of any comfort at all...*feels bad that she cannot think of anything more useful*

You really have my sympathies and I hope your mum settles and you can begin to feel less guilty soon. However, if this doesn't happen, take a look at the following website.
www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk

Guilt is a terrible thing and sometimes it never goes away, so I wanted to just check that you were aware of this type of thing. I've jumped through a few hoops recently myself, beaten myself up, and am now in a compromise situation. My peace of mind with regard to absolute safety would be greater with my mother in a home (she was in one briefly and now isn't...long story...) but HER peace of mind is better when she has independence. It's a terrible dilemma to face, and it is difficult to strike a balance between physical safety and mental contentment. How much loss of each is acceptable? And whose decision should it be? Could we forgive ourselves if our elderly parent had an accident at home? Is this actually less likely in a care home? At what cost to the person's mental state? And freedom? Am I doing this for her well-being or for my own peace of mind?

I've been there and my decision was to take risks and let her retain independence for as long as possible, going against all advice. So far so good - but I do have to accept that an accident is possible - and I have to live with that. It will be seen as my fault for going against advice. The above option is not available where we live, but I would jump at if it was.

I hope I'm not putting doubts in your mind after a decision has been made, but I know I would have felt physically sick if mine had been in a home and there had been an option like that which was manageable, which nobody had told me about until it was too late.

I also hope this doesn't further upset you - but I reckon all these things will be flying round in your head whether or not I say this - and I just wanted to tell you that there are other options which can work if you really can't live with this one. And doctors don't always know best. x

I am so sorry to hear how difficult life has become for you. I can feel the conflicted emotion in your words and know well how complex it can be caring for a family member.

I suppose two things come to mind when I read your post. First, the right thing can often be a very difficult thing to do - we (humans) have a tendency to think that doing the 'right thing' will feel good and lead to a sense of peace. Sadly, sometimes the 'right thing' is much harder than the path of least resistance or other choices. Secondly, I try to remember that when a significant change happens in life what one sees, feels and experiences in its aftermath is rarely, if ever, definitive or representative of how things will evolve. Adjustment and the concomitant effect on emotion takes time. I know that sometimes I have too hastily pulled back from change because I was so overwhelmed by the immediate effects and didn't realise that these were transitory and a necessary part of any change.

I know we have communicated a bit and I wanted to say that I can sense how much you love and support your mother even as a 'stranger' on an internet forum. I am willing to bet that your palpable commitment to, and deep affection for, her is evident to others too. Wanting to keep her safe and preserve your own health by making the immensely difficult choice to seek care in a residential home is an act of love and testament to your relationship with her, albeit that it may be hard to remember that when she appears distressed. You are continuing to invest so much in your relationship and I can feel that all the way over here in my study.

Do use the support of your friends here on the Forum and PM me if that is helpful. You are much in my thoughts.

Hi Elisabethann.
I am the other way around from Dulciana. My Dad would be dead ages ago, if I hadn't taken him into a home 2 1/2 years ago. He would not be independent. He suffers from Vascular Dementia, and would not eat anything unless it was put in front of him. Also never doing any of his paper work, or even have a wash and shave. He chats normally sometimes, but all his get-up-and-go, got up and went. Normal for this type of dementia apparently.
I put myself through the mill doing this, and some of my hair fell out after 2 months ( normal time span for this type of stress according to my GP ). It grew back.
YOu have done all you can, if you have a breakdown of some sort you won't any use to your Mum at all. At least like this you know she is safe, warm and well fed. You can be a good visitor. Share it with your siblings too, it's not all yours to carry.
I hope you feel better very soon.
PM me if you want to know any more.
Bev x