I first went to try vioin lessons when i was about 8 or 9 in junior school, after 30 seconds without even touching a violin I was told that i would be better off playing football (thinking back i dont think any boys were ever aloud too!)

After been told the same for the next three years (by the same teacher) i gave up on the idea, and just accepted that she must be right.

Unfortunatly when i went to high school i found it was the same teacher and so didnt bother even trying.

Six months ago just before my 31st birthday, (after telling my fiancee this) she convinced me to try lessons and see what i think. Ok dont get me wrong, im not very good, but i progress a little each week and really enjoy it.

BUT im really bitter about the fact that its a pastime that i could have been enjoying for the last twenty years! Im finding it really hard not to be angry about it! So should i just get over it?

It's very difficult not to be - thats awful, and I do feel for you. All of us teachers experience the disappointment when potentially talented young boys prefer to be playing football, but I would never in my wildest dreams deny them the opportunity to even try playing.

Glad you're enjoying it now.

That does sound terrible - it's amazing what power a teacher's words can have at that age. And how completely ridiculous to tell a child that they are wasting their time before they've even touched an instrument.

But at the end of the day - the past is the past and you can't change it! The only person you are hurting by being bitter is yourself. Your old teacher doesn't care! So probably better to get on and just enjoy the fact that you are playing now! And that you hopefully have many, many years of enjoying playing ahead of you! So focus on that.

Not easy I know though! And I still get annoyed when I think about some of things my old music teachers said to me!

Whilst it's hard not to be bitter the other view point is that at that age, practice is a chore - I hated it.

It was only into adulthood when I joined an orchestra (after years of not playing) that I actually appreciated it.

I took up the cello 8 years ago - I enjoyed the whole experience of learning far more than I ever did when I played the violin at school.

Now I play in an amateur orchestra and thoroughly enjoy it - don't be bitter about the past - just be happy about what you are doing now.

Sometimes it's really hard to let go of feelings about the past, even though you know at some level it's affecting your enjoyment of the present, and even though you know logically that you can't change what's been.

I sympathise as I have got trapped in this cycle a few times and I know it can be really draining, and unfortunately sometimes people will tell you (or you will tell yourself) that you are being negative, which doesn't help matters!

I think some people are just more susceptible to this than others - do you find the same with other aspects of your life?

I really recommending reading about mindfulness - a meditation type way of being in the present. It's not some whacky faddy thing, not all about crystals and chanting etc., it's just a really useful way of getting more out of life and it can be a big relief for people who are unhappy about the past or fearful about the future. I wouldn't presume to decide whether it's specifically what you need but you've nothing to lose as at the very least it's a really interesting topic to read about. My favourite mindfulness related quote is "to enjoy life, you have to be there while it's happening" which sounds obvious but can be really hard to achieve for some people.

In fact I would recommend everybody on the forum reads about it! It can give you whole new ways of listening to and performing music. I only practice it on a really basic level and it's been very positive for me, so I'm thinking of going deeper into it.

If you google it there are loads of resources.

Bitterness hurts only you, because it eats you up inside.
Have a really good rant about this teacher to your fiance or us online. Then let it go.
Then enjoy every minute of your new found hobby

When I was a child I would occasionally go to my Auntie's house with my family and sit at her electric keyboard with headphones on for hours.

Years passed and now through my daughter asking to learn the piano, we bought a piano and I am learning too and making up for all the lost years and I am totally addicted. I often feel a little annoyed at my parents for not encouraging me in my interests like I do with my children and recently mentioned this to my brother on holiday.

I was quite shocked when he said that they had bought me a keyboard! I have no recollection of this at all!

The point I am trying to make is that I imagined that as a child I would have thrown myself into learning like I do as an adult and by now I would be at a pretty good level. However the truth is that I may well have given up or abandoned the piano at some point in my childhood, seeing as I wasn't particularly good at sticking at anything.

So even though your teacher was totally wrong in what he/she said, I would move on and try not to blame him/her totally. Enjoy it now, hopefully you will have the determination as an adult to make up for the lost years.

Hope this helps

As an alternative take (which might sound a bit radical with the way you're feeling at the moment), perhaps it is a good thing that this teacher refused to teach you. I know that we shouldn't judge people without having experience of them (so please don't bite my head off folks!), but she doesn't sound like a very good teacher and you may well have ended up hating the violin if you had learnt with her - so she has perhaps actually done you a favour in the long run. My first flute teacher (who was a school peri teaching flute, oboe, clari and bassoon) was so awful that she put a lot of people off music making for life.

If it's any consolation, I wanted to learn the violin at school and wasn't allowed to because there weren't many slots available and they all went to people who'd started learning it already at primary school (one of the primary schools which fed into my secondary had violin on offer, but none of the others did). I was told that if I wanted to learn an instrument then I'd have to do cello instead - which they tried to tell me was just a large violin, but it isn't. I started learning the violin last May, aged 31, and am enjoying it more and making better progress than I would have done learning at school.

That's a good point Flossie. My eldest daughter had a pig of a teacher, and was about to give up when we managed to complain, and he was moved on. She loves it now, and it would have been such a shame to stop playing.

I'd say no, don't, it'll get in the way of your playing. Kids do respond differently to their music lessons, and yes, it hurts like crazy when people say such things, but just because you enjoy your playing now is no guarantee that you would have enjoyed it as a kid. I played music as part of the Middle Class Curriculum when younger, but never ever had the kick from it that I get now: I don't believe that is just because I am now playing the instrument which suits me, but is also because I'm now learning for me, not for my teachers, nor my parents, and not for my CV (there is a difference!). Oddly enough, I've also learned somewhere along the way how to listen to my teachers, how to get the best from what they have to offer, and am more efficient in practice, and can get a boost from work on tiny sections of the music in a way in which I quite simply couldn't as a kid, I wasn't mature enough.

The chemical composition of our cells is in constant turnover, and after about seven years, the same organism is made up of a completely different array of atoms - so in a very real sense, although what and who you are today is shaped by your experiences, you are also a different person from the one you were even seven years ago...make the most of the differences, and enjoy yourself now .

Markey,

This is absolutely outrageous - I think you've every right to be bitter.

Unless classes at school were very limited and you were taking the place of the next Nigel Kennedy, or were being disruptive - I think you have every right to track down your teacher and tell him/her how you feel.

Your present rate of progress is irrelevant - your enjoyment from playing is all that matters - hope you keep that enjoyment for a long long time.

I was told at my school (the illustrious Stockport Grammar) that I would never amount to anything - well maybe I haven't, but that's no way to encourage someone is it?

If I were you I would say **** 'em and enroll for as many lessons as you can - and above all else enjoy your playing!!!!

All the best,

Nigel

Should I Continue To Be Bitter?

What all of us should do is get a special book, and every time anyone does anything to annoy us, or denies us a chance at something, or otherwise messes us about we can write down name, date, time and details.

Then, many years later, anytime we happen to be feeling good, we can browse through it and re-create those bitter, unhappy feelings and longing for revenge.

This is without doubt the best way to go through life.

Ok point taken, maybe i should rephrase the title!! Its not like i want to be bitter, just am! (at the moment)

Welcome back MT - we have missed you

Markey1978 - Enjoy your playing. The now is vastly more important than the past

Lois

OK - maybe my suggestion was a bit OTT !!!! (My "Special Book" is now in spreadsheet format so I can sort by date/misdemeanor!!)

Mad Tom - Welcome back !!!

Lois - completely agree - well said.

all the best,

Nigel

Hi Mad Tom, love the idea it is completely bonkers and oh yes welcome back!

I don't need a special book - as a woman I have the ability to recall all details at a moment's notice as and when required.

I was told the same thing about my singing - I wasn't even allowed to sing in the junior school choir. I now know that I'm not stone deaf - I'm just not a typical soprano as I have a fairly deep voice for a girl! I'm not brilliant either but I'm certainly not terrible! But life's too short to be bitter...spend the time on practising instead!

Very true....play 100 bow strokes for every little moment of bitterness that you feel - you'll be taking your first exam in no time!

Don't waste anymore energy on feeling bitter, look forward and start reaching those goals now

Good Luck

All I can think is I shall be saying to people: "Your name shall also go on the list!" in my best pseudo-German accent...

It's woman's special gift!

I think you're lucky to have started again at such a young age - I was 48 when I started the piano!

D'you know that's a very interesting idea. One of the best ways to deal with this sort of frustration is to effectively work it out of your system and using something positive is an excellent method. Seriously I would give this a try - and yes your playing will improve along with it!

It's very easy, and very common, to feel bitter about past things, especially opportunities that are missed, but we can't turn the clock back no matter how badly we feel. But these feelings can be strong and very real so do need a genuine outlet because that kind of hurt can fester and be quite destructive.

From personal experience I wanted to be an artist from an early age and was always drawing and making things. My parents continuously belittled me and made it clear Art School was for "losers" and there was no future in it as a career and I had to be a "professional person" instead. They banned me from applying to Art Schools despite my teachers' insistance of my talent. Later I had a brief opportunity to go to Art School and didn't take it because my parents views echoed in my head and still spoiled my confidence despite the fact I was selling a lot of my work.
Guess where I am now! Only 25 years 'too late' but I'm studying post-grad at Art School and loving it.. still selling my own work successfully too and finally feel in my groove!

My anger and bitterness was huge but it's easing with time. I'm furious about the time I have wasted but when I now look forward to the rest of my career as an artist the anger does subside. Interestingly my parents deny any memory of their actions and are mildly supportive but not that interested. (Who cares! )

Wow! I had exactly the same experience, except it was my parents who didn't want me to get into music. They were simply and totally uninterested. I remember in primary school wanting to try a clarinet, then a violin. Later it was obvious I was crazy about the piano, but I was never allowed any lessons.

What really annoyed me many years later was when I realised how unlucky I'd been. My father's brother was an amazing pianist but moved to USA when I was very young. My mother's father had played the euphonium, both her mother and sister the piano. I didn't even know this until decades later. It was just coincidence that my parents were the only unmusical people in their families!!

But that's life. I got over it a long time ago. As soon as I went to uni, I taught myself to read music, bought a cheap guitar and never looked back. Who knows? Maybe if I had been allowed to learn I would have gone in a different direction. The fact is that I'm happy now and making up for lost time. I now have a piano, both my children play instruments, I play clarinet in a wind band and am learning the oboe.


Steve

"For every door that closes another one opens"

If you had taken up violin it may be that you would have taken to it like a virtuoso and would have enjoyed the last couple of decades of making music. However,

1. you would not have done all the other things you did when you might have been playing and
2. it is statistically far more likely that the child you were would not have practiced the way the adult you are does, so you might well not have become good, or enjoyed it, you might have given up and NEVER come back to it.

In short, if you had been allowed to take up violin as a child you would now be a different person. Unless you are bitter about who you are, let it go.

Oh, absolutely. That's one of the best things about being a woman. Make the beggars suffer! Yeah!

Until it involves something that needs holes drilling, spiders removed or creaking floorboards investigated at 3am...eh?

Steve

PS We've had burglars in at 3am twice!

Hope they got a good battering with a baseball bat!

No, the first time I didn't know, and they only took an old rucksack.

The second time, I woke up and went round the house with my french SAPL gun and french pepper spray, but they'd already left.

Steve

Gosh, yes - because "drilling holes" is so tricky, there's no way a mere girl would be able to manage it...

The challenge here would be to drill the holes in the spiders, whilst balancing on a creaky floorboard at 3 o'clock in the morning.

But we females are well known for our multi-tasking skills, so bring it on I say!

I wish you could come and explain that to our 16 yr old son!

He's played football for years, is built like Hadrian's wall, strong as an ox, knows everything, ( yes.. a typical teenager) but one small spider has him running out of his room shrieking like a neurotic ballerina on too much caffeine!


Steve

Hmmmm, you sound like one big hunky family. And the spider thing, well he just needs to get a good woman with a glass and postcard removal sytem (or, of course the whole drills, creaky floorboard paraphanalia). He'll be fine!



Ambs x