Okay, so I'm perfectly happy spending all my free time doing music but other people, not so much.

At school I have a music club every lunchtime. I have two instrumental lessons in lessontime every week and a third after school (all different instruments.) Then two orchestra rehearsals, one friday night and one saturday morning, and then a choir rehearsal after school one night a week and services on wednesday and sunday. Which I have no problem with. I love it. That's why I do it.

BUUUUUT.
My friends get really annoyed when I'm always busy.
My parents get really annoyed about driving me everywhere (although I think my mum likes listening to my practice, so it's okay)
My teachers, okay, one in particular, gets annoyed when I don't do her extra work because I've been doing music. And when I don't revise for a maths test because actually I'd rather ace my piano exam if that's ok.

People tell me I do too much, and I need to stop, but I don't WANT to. Anyone else struggle to get people to understand?

If it makes you happy, then carry on as you are. You should make time for friends, however, as there may come a time where they are fed up of never seeing you!

Yes I agree with the last comment - sometimes it's very difficult to tear yourself away from your music but I've had my friends for centuries so they understand and they're happy for me. But with school friends, you haven't yet got that history so it's likely that they won't be as understanding - or as patient. Do try and make time for them whilst they still want you, even if inside you're wishing you were back at the piano, and try not to burn yourself out on your music

Its that difficult age in life where your friends don't always understand what you do, and don't like it if it doesn't fit into their plans. Its not their fault or yours, its just that particular stage of life! I take my hat off to you, you have an obvious talent to be able to juggle so many things so brilliantly. If I were you I would be loathe disrupt such a fantastic array of musical practices, but on the same note, don't let your education suffer. The maths test, while not as interesting as the music maybe, is important. If you are getting good marks on your other school subjects I wouldn't worry, but if you are failing everything except music I might! You don't need top grades for everything else if you are taking music to higher education, which I can only presume you are lol!

Have a word with your friends, explain to them how important music is to you personally and, if you are planning taking music higher, how important it is to your future. Try to make it to more important social engagements if you can, that way they might not mind if you don't make it to the smaller get-togethers.

Your teachers will hopefully understand your passion for music, and as long as you get by in their subjects they shouldn't cause too much trouble.

I imagine driving you everywhere isn't your parents favourite thing to do, but on the flip side I am sure they find it well worth it to see you develop such a passion for something. If it was my mum, she would prefer to drive me to all these music places than see me start to miss them or cut them out.

The above is only my advice, by no means follow what I have said to the letter lol! Be proud of your musical talent, and the passion you have for it.

Danny

Friends: A "friend" that works against your efforts in music, whether out of jealousy, or insecurity, or resentment is no true friend.

Teachers: A teacher that values your achievement in their own subject above your progress in an art that you have discovered for yourself, that you love above all others, is no real teacher.

Parents: When an adult chooses to have a child they take on the responsibility of putting the child's needs above their own, and that is going to mean a large commitment of time and money - certainly for the first 16 or 17 years. They have no right to complain about it. They do have a right to demand certain standards of behaviour in return.

Yourself: Striving for excellence in anything can be a lonely experience, and can shame those who secretly wish they could do the same, but are unable or unwilling to do what it takes

I wouldn't describe you as a Fossil, skyers You still have youthful good looks!

Why are your parents annoyed about driving you everywhere? Is it a time or cost issue? If so, can you ease the burden by doing any of the following:

Jobs around the house, so that they have more time to drive you
Contribute to the cost of petrol etc
Arrange your own transport for some of the trips - walk, cycle, bus, share lifts with someone else

Be nice, say thank you, tell them that you appreciate what they do for you, it's an investment in your future, you'll drive them around when they are ancient, er.... etc!

If you are happy doing what you're doing, go for it and don't let 'friends' derail you. Ultimately people will respect you for following your own path, and as others have said, true friends won't hold it against you.

Parent here - there are some very sensible suggestions given by Sue HM. I know it really helps me when my daughter is prepared to pitch in and help around the house and if I am feeling appreciated and not taken for granted, I feel a lot less cranky about driving her to her various lessons and orchestra rehearsals. Don't know if this is true of your parents, but I am often most grumpy when I feel under pressure with a million and one things to be done and not enough time to do them........oh, and absolutely NO time to do the things I would really like to do (used to get very annoyed with her when I was nagging her to practice at the expense of my own practice time........until I learnt to stop nagging and just go and practice myself, which was sooo much more effective. ) If you have brothers and sisters, don't forget that your parents are probably trying to juggle their activities with yours and share things around as fairly as possible - carpooling with other parents can be an absolute godsend here and you can help set those arrangements up, which also takes the burden of having to ask off your parents.

Music is obviously very important to you and that is absolutely fine. I'd just be a little careful about keeping a balance - I don't know how old you are or whether you have already settled on a career in music, but it is still worth keeping some options open even if the latter is the case. I'd be a little worried if my daughter was neglecting her school work in favour of her music (no, I'd actually be very concerned) - if you are having to choose between the piano exam and the maths test, you might indeed have a little too much on your plate. Then, of course, I don't know your full situation - perhaps you are amazing at maths and you don't actually need to revise for the test in order to get good marks . In which case, good for you, and you are just prioritising to get the best result all round, which is a great skill. I'd just hate to see you paint yourself into a corner and not have any other future plans to fall back on apart from music - what happens if for some reason you can't pursue that path? (injury, illness.......sorry to be such a gloomy soul, but I have seen it happen).

Friends........well they are important. My daughter is 12 and is having difficulties with some of her friends as one in particular is jealous of her musical progress - others don't really understand how passionate she is about music. She has some wonderful friends outside school whom she has met through orchestra and music camp - they have stayed in contact even though they don't see each other regularly through orchestra now. I think they'll end up being lifetime friendships. She also has friends outside music and I think it is healthy for her to sometimes "switch off" and talk about non-music related things. Her musical schedule isn't as busy as yours (she is only in primary school still - I can see it getting busier next year when she goes to high school), so perhaps it is harder for you to keep those non-musical friends? I do think they are worth the effort though, as they'll give you a different perspective. It's all about compromise, I'm afraid - you may not be able to make it to all their catch ups, but perhaps you can set aside some time to spend with them at other times? If they can see that you are making the effort and that you value their friendship, real friends will respect your need to focus on other things at other times.

Mad Tom - with all due respect, parenthood absolutely involves sacrifice and compromise and those of us who choose that path are choosing to invest time, love and money in our children, no doubt about it. But I think it is a little strong to say that we have no right to protest about what our children expect from us. No parent has unlimited time, money or energy........many of us have more than one child and jobs to juggle with our children's needs.........and we need time for our own passions as parents, because that makes us kinder and more loving people - just ask my kids if I'm not more patient and understanding when I have taken time to do my cello practice and switched on all my endorphins . Our children are only seeing one part of the puzzle (which is fair enough, as we don't expect them to understand what is involved in parenthood yet....) and so they may not be in the best position to judge what is reasonable in terms of expectations - negotiation and patience on both sides goes a long way towards sorting this out.

Wolfnotes (who knows that parenthood involves just as much practice as playing the cello, now if only I could find as good a teacher for parenthood as I have for my cello!)

But that is not what I said!

I said their needs, not their expectations.

If the young person is being selfish, or obnoxious, or unreasonable in their demands you have every right to protest ... and put them straight. It is not a parent's job to run around after their children like slaves, pandering to every little whim.

MT (also a parent)

Since embarking on learning the piano, I too could spend all day practising and I do practice a lot and often feel like I should spend more time with the kids. I understand how difficult it is to draw yourself away from what is clearly a passion for you.

It is an interesting situation for you, because firstly as you are a child/teenager, you are experiencing many issues that parents face in their lives when their children are young; having to sacrifice their own time and desires for their children, but obviously you are not at that stage in life yet.

As an adult we know we need to do this as we made the choice to have children in the first place. As much as it is important to indulge in your enjoyment, it is important that you take that adult step of making a compromise. However, I think skills like these take time and years to aquire, because they are skills we learn through our lifetime.

As a parent we do indeed sacfrifice an awful lot for our children and I think the most important thing is to feel appreciated for the sacrfiices we make.

I think the most sensible way to move forward is to speak to your friends, teachers and parents and work out a compromise that will keep everyone happy.

I know if my children were older and they approached me to work out a solution to a situation like this I would be chuffed and would probably be more inclinded to put myself out for them because I know they appreciated it.

I hope this helps you.

I do beg your pardon - I have indeed misread your post when I went back and looked again. I think on reflection that this is because it seemed to me that you were responding to Ella's comments that her parents were annoyed with her for the fact that they have to drive her to her various musical activities - while I know that music is extremely important to Ella, I wouldn't class this as a need in the same way as food, shelter, having loving adults to care for her, and so on.......although Ella might! (and fair enough, Ella, it is a very large priority for you and I completely accept that) Being involved in so many musical activities seems more like an expectation than a need to me, which is why I used that wording in my reply, and so misattributed it to you, Mad Tom. Actually, needs beyond those basic ones listed in the UN Charter (Rights of the Child, or whatever it is called, can't think off the top of my head) are a fairly subjective area when I stop and think about it.........which is why it is so important for parent and child to sort out between themselves what is reasonable and what is not. I'm sure you have spent your fair share of hours doing this as a parent as have I - and I salute you for it and apologies once again for misquoting you!

Wolfnotes (who is hopefully a firm but fair parent......as she enters the "interesting" teenage years with her lovely daughter and still enjoys the small child years with her strong-willed son)

That sounds a pretty normal kind of week to me.

Maybe your parents only complain when they're under pressure to do other things - adults are only human, and sometimes not quite that. It's a good idea to help out at home and make your own travel arrangementts where you can - but it sounds as if you have little time. Coming from a generation where daughters were replacements for housemaids (my two brothers were not), I tried to free my daughters from the tyranny of household chores; I only rebelled against self-inflicted sainthood when it wasn't appreciated. And neither of them can iron still but that's another story

Your non-musical friends may never understand why all your time is filled up with music, and almost certainly won't understand what practising means - they'll assume quite reasonably that it's an optional extra. But they'll get used to it - apart from the need to practise. An air of mildly dizzy eccentricity has helped my daughter - but you'll know what might help in your case.

Teachers want you to do your best at their subject - that's how they're judged apart from anything else. All you can do is YOUR best and that may not be the very best in everything all the time.

You know what you do want and that's terrific. Stick with it and good luck

One of my reports said, 'Ann has the potential to obtain a higher grade in subject x were it not for her outside activities'. They were singing and piano lessons and lead parts in two performing societies.
Guess which was more important to me in the end?

This is likely to be an extremely unpopular viewpoint, but I made the decision as a teenager that I could not spare the time to excel at everything, and that in fact in 'the real world' it made very little odds to people whether you got an A or a C at GCSEs, so long as you passed. Perhaps less true for those competing for a few places on a medical course, but for most people in most situations for employment and such the tickbox is do you have x number of GCSEs at the passing grade yes or no. My 4 As and 6 Bs are counted exactly the same as my husband's 5 Cs and a D. I eventually tuned out the teachers saying that if I "just worked a little harder" I would get all As because I would have had a nervous breakdown if I worked "just a bit" harder in so many subjects. So I set my limits and my expectations and I worked within those. I would never have put music before schoolwork if I might fail the schoolwork, but I did if it meant I would do not as well as my potential. This is an approach that is well accepted in certain quarters, and my friend who came back from ballet school for the holidays told me her school was very open to the idea that they would give them the minimum fallback qualifications, but it was ballet that mattered. That said, if they failed too much work they risked getting their part in the school production cut to a much smaller part. Having control over all the parts of the kids' education really helped I suppose.

My big tip, however, is do not burn out! You have to eat, you have to sleep. You cannot live out of a packed lunch box all week long for 2 meals a day while you dash from orchestra to piano lesson to junior opera, you will get ill. I got a stinking chest infection during opera rehearsals when I was somehow putting in 21 hours of opera, 6 hours of orchestra and studying for 4 A-levels and my grade 8. I didn't rest and it caught up with me, and I had to drop out of my beloved and long worked-for music course because I couldn't put my feet on the floor to get out of bed. I was ill for a year. It sounds as if you need to make some cuts somewhere. It may be music, it may be friends, it may be an element of school work, but you would really, really need to sit your parents and school and music teacher down for a conference to decide what is reasonable. If you are a genuine prodigy then giving up a school subject may be the way forward. many schools arbitrarily put pupils in for 9 or 10 GCSE exams, and for what? You might be better off with 8 GCSEs (difference between 8 and 9 is minimal to say the least) and keeping your music, IF a music career is realistic for you. Looking back I dearly wish I had done this. My art GCSE has yet to be of any use to me in my thirties, and perhaps I wouldn't have collapsed out of uni first time around. That is a humungous decision and it's certainly not the decision for everyone, but it's only fair to put each and every item up for consideration as something that might be cut. At the end of the day what's better, doing mediocrely in all subjects or taking on the number of subjects you can handle and doing them well? Schools and parents are rightly worried at the idea of cutting any part of "education" but music is education too, and they need to ask themselves why exactly did they pick 8/9/10 GCSEs for each pupil anyway? They see music as a hobby, but if it's a real career for you then it's an important subject, and I bet anythign you practice for your music exams at school is somehow "real school work" and everything else somehow not, but it's just the way we arbitrarily divide things up.

Good luck with it all, but please don't ignore the early warning signs of doing too much.

No involvement in school music at all here as there's nothing to be involved with.

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday Arts Centre groups for the Music Service. Friday 9.15 - 4.30 instrument lessons, double reed goup, composition and wind band. and Sunday 10.30 - 4.00 two Orchestras. Piano, Recorder and other lessons thrown in and it adds up to way too much.

I don't mind doing the driving round. I've always done it so I'm used to it I suppose. Daughter did try to drop one of the music service groups but caved under pressure to return. The only thing she gets moaned at for is not being able to attend whatever the vitally important thing is, usually because she's already committed to something more important.

July was an absolute nightmare with concerts virtually every night for about 10 days. I'm dreading December as things are already starting to clash. We are writing off the first week. Emsoboe is already planning next summer . Think we might be holidaying alone next year

As music was priority emsoboe stayed away from GCSE where she knew there was heavy coursework (Art). She's really enjoying her options at the moment. Fitting homework in is ok so long as it's not due in the next day.

I don't think your schedule sound too ridiculous! You're young and don't have the responsibilities of an adult who's trying to work, keep a house, run after kids AND fit in musical activities! I'm at the stage of life now where I'd like to be doing more but just can't. It comes all too soon.

One thing I would say about friends though: plan in advance. Don't wait till x rings and suggests a shopping trip or a night out or whatever and have to say you can't make it. Decide a week or two in advance when you're free and you ring them to arrange. Friends are important, and if you're never available they can stop asking - not because they don't like you any more, but because they think there's no point when you always say no.

You didn't say what age you are. Is it getting close to the time when you'll be able to drive yourself? If so, ask for driving lessons and to be put on the car insurance for Christmas or a birthday, and then you can offer to take your parents a few places in return as well as driving yourself places. I can't afford to insure my eldest for the car, and it's not a big issue as we're on bus and train routes, but there are times when I'd really love to be able to ask him to do the odd errand for me!

Doesn't matter what you do in life, if you pander to other peoples wants and needs you wont go as far in life and you will regret it later on.

You have time, you have your parents help, do as much as you can now because sooner or later you will need to earn money and you wont have as much time.

I'm not saying that people who are married with kids should ignore their family to do well in life - thats silly because in the end they will lose their family. Once you have responsibilities such as work and family, that takes your time away and it becomes more and more difficult to learn what you enjoy.

The best way around this is to get a job in an area you enjoy. If you enjoy music then your loyalties should lie there, since when you complete your studies you will be able to work within that area furthering your knowledge of music and you will enjoy it too.

I'm not sure what age you are but if you really want to do music then look into conservatoire universities and find out what you need to do to be considered for enrolling. There would be nothing more uplifting then for your Mum to know that you succeeded in life and you are happy with her help, even if she has to be a bit of a taxi driver for a couple of years.

Ella
Only you can decide if you are doing too much. It's possble that others who comment have another motive than your best interest. Sounds to me as though you have great passion and a will to excel. Harness the energy and run with it as fast as you can. You don't know know whether you'll reach the moon, but you certainly won't if you compromise. The world is full of people who 'coulda a been somebody'.

Sorry - I've run out of cliche's, but I think you get the point.

I missed this in my first reply - and it is the most important part

Yes, understand this


Some understand already. For the others - I no longer bother trying to persuade them!

Two points:
One - as a parent I would much rather have the hassle of running my kids around to music or other worthwhile extracurricular lessons than worry about them hanging around on street corners or what else they might be doing (even if I might grumble a bit on occasion)

Two - as far as friends are concerned, I think that humans (and children) are somewhat less tolerant than in yesteryear. Don't worry about taking a slightly robust attitude. As MT says, real friends would support you.

Ella, it's commendable that you have such focus and commitment to what you're doing. If you can continue that, and not let other areas of your life suffer, then you'll go far. Be careful that you don't use your music as an excuse to get out of things you know you really should be doing (maybe that maths test?). Even the most brilliant musicians have to get on with their families and friends, and have other less interesting commitments.

Personally, I think 'work hard, play hard' is a good rule to live by. I tend to get very workaholic about my music, spend lots of time getting things done (and enjoying it), and then get exhausted when I realise I've not really let myself have a break for weeks or months on end! Sometimes I even forget to keep in touch with my friends! Don't get into that habit! Make sure that during your non-music time, you can manage to switch off and just chill out, whether that be with friends, family or on your own. As long as you do that, and as long as you can be considerate towards your family and the people that matter to you, then I don't see you're doing anything wrong.

The last couple of years of school is a funny time, socially. It's the time when everyone generally starts to branch off more. Soon, instead of you and your friends just being a group of teenagers who go to school together, you'll be young adults who are allowed lots of choices: who you spend time with, how you like to spend your time - both socially and in your study or work. As a result, friendship groups do drift and split up sometimes as you all develop into individuals with different lives. It's nothing to worry about. You might find your friends do actually understand your priorities and grow to adapt to them, or you may find they can't, in which case you'll end up being friends with people with whom you have more in common. Either way, friendship is a two way thing. If you want to be understood, you need to try to understand them, too!

Sorry, hope that didn't sound like a lecture!

you sound like I was... if yu love it, keep doing it...

You can't ever play in too many music groups. the problem I find is that if you join loads of groups their concerts tend to clash.

For example I have to miss my youth orchestras christmas concert for aother concert I am appearing in.

You can say that again!! One major clash that effects lots of people is in the process of looking for a new date. The proposed one is also going to clash. It's rehearsals causing the problem fortunately the concerts are at the same venue. I'm waiting to find out if we have another problematic clash. I think it's high time musicians learnt to split themselves into two.

Another thing I notice is that the choice of traditional orchestras is great in the UK.

However I looked for a chamber orchestra back in september but failed to find a suitable one in central/south London.

I know exactly how you feel! I'm not as high as you yet on instruments, but I find it so hard trying to fit everything in, and it's so confusing trying to figure out what you should work around: instruments? school? artwork? drama? family? chores? exercise?

My friends got really annoyed recently because they thought I was avoiding them. Like they would ask if I wanted to go shopping or swimming or something after school. I had to say no every time so they started going without me. But the fact was that I HONESTLY couldn't go! After school I had flute lesson on Monday, theory lesson on Tuesday, senior orchestra, then volunteer work at old people's home on Wednesday, piano lesson on Friday. Then at lunch times I had music composition on Monday, jazz band on Tuesday, choir on Wednesday, IT coursework catchup on Thursday, and junior orchestra on Friday. THEN in the evenings swimming club on Monday from 8:15-10:00pm, drama rehearsals Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, from 7pm-10:30pm, and Sunday 12-5pm.

I was absolutely shattered trying to practice music, do artwork, learn my lines, do all my homework, and EAT! (Cereal bars became my best friends )

If I were you, I would cut down. I'm having a break from drama for the next play over xmas, and that has given me a lot more time. Also now I've stopped going to one of the orchestras, so have a free lunchtime, and although after school is still the same, it has helped a lot not having so many late nights lol. Yeah, but you sound very busy, so give yourself a break once in a while! I personally like having some things to do, but only having an hour or so to squeeze in everything every night seemed impossible. On the plus side though, all my friends who've never done any clubs, and never do anything have amazingly bare CVs, and mine is jam-packed full of things

I'm only fourteen :/
I do get lifts with people if possible
The buses round here aren't great
Dad's generally happy to drive me to music things, but then he won't do anything else after that because he's done his bit? Which is fair enough I suppose. I'd go by bike if violin and saxophone weren't so horrid and big.


Well I don't think so


Very true