I run a big community choir and offshoots. I started it because I had severe post traumatic stress disorder and post natal depression and I wanted to bring music back into my life but in a fun casual way instead of the seriousness of other local choirs.

Unfortunately/Luckily (delete as appropriate) it took off in a major way and instead of being a small gathering of like-minded people it became a full time job. So I did the only sensible thing and quit my stable well paid job and I've been doing this for next to nothing ever since. No regrets.

The trouble is, them main aim of all my groups is inclusion, welcoming atmosphere, making friends, creating community spirit. These are all things I craved in my life and I'm thrilled to create that for others. But of course I make friends myself. Instead of feeling alone, I feel part of a group, a team, a family. So people come to me feeling anxious, unhappy, shy and then become happy, relaxed and confident. And then leave. And that then leaves me anxious and unhapppy.

In fact recently one of my closest friends has jumped ship to another high profile, auditioned, blow your socks off choir. To be honest, she wants to do both but I can't see how that's feasible.

At the end of the day I'm providing a service that people can take or leave. I'm not saying they aren't my friends but the line between client and friend is blurry. I guess in the same way that I "made friends" with my therapists but once your need for them is over then you don't continue that "friendship" you have to say goodbye and the realisation that your relationship is temporary is quite a hard one.

I'm not cross with anyone for leaving, in a way it's great that I've given them the confidence. But I can't shift this low feeling I've got. It's been a week now and I've cried every day since then.

Sorry you're feeling sad.
The boundary between client/pupil/friend can indeed be a blurry one.

One of my closest friends was my teacher for an instrument I've since given up. She used to come
every week and teach me and I paid her. Then one day said "Look I can't take your money - you're a friend now" - which surprised me as although I had thought her a friend I didn't know how the move was possible. She continues to come at the same time each week although I've long since sold that instrument.

I think to safeguard yourself in future you need an interest away from your choir - something you might invite others to enjoy with you so that you can be sure that they know you're a friend. For example, and just an example, if you were into hiking in your spare time you might invite one of your choir friends to come with you - but don't make it a group thing.

I managed to move a favourite pupil (slightly older than me) into being a friend when I asked if she'd like to come with me to a National Trust place that's on her doorstep but I hadn't been to.

My own piano teacher promoted me to friend one day when she rang to say she was too poorly to teach me but could I come anyway and cut the grass.

What I'm trying to say, with my long ramble, is that it's OK to feel sad that your friend has drifted off, but try to firm things up away from music. It's not too late to arrange to meet up with your friend in town or somewhere, - this is a good time to year to visit places and you could invite your friend along.

You should be very proud of what you have achieved. In simplistic terms, why not turn this feeling around. View your members as your children, teaching them to grow and flourish and to move onto other things. They couldn't have done it without you and they know this and will always hold you in high regard.

It may be worth you getting involved in a different activity but with a similar set-up where you will move onto something different or better. This may give you more perspective on the thought process of those who have left and help you to deal with these situations in the future.

I hope you didn't have to pay for that lesson!

It must be hard for teachers to see pupils move on, it can be quite an intense relationship to have suddenly end after X years, especially if in that time you've seen someone really develop musically or even in their confidence, personality, etc.

Im not looking forward to the end of August, when a few of my really talented and long-standing pupils are moving away to uni... And one of my pupils has just emigrated to Dubai! I do miss them... But I keep in contact as much as possible, and invite them to concerts etc when they are back home over holidays

I think that is very kind and sensible advice.

It reminds me of an eleven year old pupil now grown up and gone away who gave me a little book of quotations. One of them is "I touch the future. I teach". Very humbling and very comforting. I hope it will help you Express Yourself.

I agree with Alicia Ocean really and think she's got good advice - try to keep contact with your friend who's jumped ship and do something a bit different, even if it's coffee once a month.

It is so difficult sometimes to let go and I think Aquarelle expressed it beautifully.

It is undoubtedly a difficult time for you, to let go what you have nurtured.

Thanks everyone for your support and ideas. Student in question and I went to the pub last night and had a great "friends" time. Feel much better now but will need to start exercising some professional distance!

You've enabled someone to take a step they'd not otherwise have managed to - and have made a friend in the process - both incredibly rewarding things to achieve . The world of adults teaching adults is a different one from adults teaching children: there is scope for the ordinary human things in life to happen, like making friendships - and good friendships will continue whatever the setting. Two of my closest friendships were made when we met over common, single interests - but they became ongoing friendships precisely because we found we had so much more in common than just the ones over which we'd met. Now, the original reasons for meeting up, whilst they still exist, are by no means the reasons for going on to meet up again and again - and as well as common interests, we've discovered interesting and challenging differences of opinion, which make for lively discussion (and the friendships allow those to happen without falling out ).

So - there are a lot of positives in the situation you describe, and with the right outlook you can make more of those. Don't let "professional distance" wall you off from such opportunities - yes, it's good to protect oneself from hurt, but not if done so effectively that it also protects from any human interaction at all .

Life is so full of bereavement, isn't it?
Not just through death but divorce, a child leaving home, losing a job, having to relocate - losing friends and people we value. And we so often have to go through a grieving stage.
We all have to find a way to manage the grief and I hope yours isn't for too long. If you can find an inner strength and see the positives from the loss it must surely help.
I think that many people feel for you because such grief is experienced by us all at some point - and usually several times in life.
Best wishes ExpressYourself.

You say you have been crying for a week over your friend's pending departure. My perception is that you may be finding the leadership of this choir a good deal more stressful than perhaps you realise.

You say the choir has expanded - in a pretty short time by the sound of it - into a large enough venture for you to work at it full-time. That's quite a big undertaking. Even if it's fun and casual, running any musical group is likely to have pressures, difficulties and responsibility alongside all the nice stuff. And although I don't doubt your choir has lovely people in it, community choirs can also attract more needy souls. I suspect you were more dependent on your friend for support, at least emotionally, than you were aware.

I agree with others here that finding an outside interest will help keep things in perspective, but can I also suggest that you start sharing the responsibility for the choir. I know that when you are getting paid you can feel you've got to do everything, but the community choir I belong to has a voluntary committee working alongside the paid musical director. You may feel far less vulnerable when you know you are part of a team.

It can help to keep in touch and invite people back to a reuniun every now and then. If you keep a list of "old" members could you do a concert or something every so often with say one rehearsal all together and a social event afterwards? It helps to soften the blow if you can look forward to something in the future, even if they can't actually make it when the time comes (well, there's always next time...)

I'm not very good at saying goodbye to people myself, but if I think I am keeping in touch it helps. You can alsways send Christmas cards etc too.