Has anyone else dealt with unpleasant wedding couples/funeral families?

About two and a half weeks ago, I was asked by the church in the village up the road if I wouldn?t mind playing for a funeral this Wednesday.

The family hadn?t requested any specialist pieces to be played before and after the service, just three hymns and my own selection of appropriate funeral voluntaries. Well, this morning I received a call from a lady representing the family. She asked if I would play Elgar?s Nimrod as the coffin left the church (no problem there, as I play this piece regularly), but then she started reading off all these piece to be played before the service and as the coffin came into the church, including the Adagio from BWV 564 and the Solemn Melody by Walford Davies . I explained in a polite manner that it was impossible to play the pieces mentioned above, as A. I don?t play these organ works anyway, and B. I couldn?t possibly learn them one day before the funeral. Her response was ?Oh my, really? Hmm well, I suppose you?re good? which was delivered in an extremely condescending tone . She then proceeded to question which pieces I would be playing before the service and whether or not they were suitable.

Thank God I managed to bite my tongue through all this

I'm afraid I'd have told them to *** off!

Makes me glad that when we were selecting music for my Mum's funeral we requested anything baroque that the organist liked playing. We were greeted with lots of 'are you sure's but wanted something played with enjoyment rather than any tension over an unknown piece. The organist improvised a lovely set of variations around the hymn we'd chosen which was just what we wanted.

"Actually, now you come to mention it, I’m really rubbish, and my woeful playing is going to make a mockery of this solemn occasion. May I advise you to seek an alternative musician…" Sooooo tempting.

All of the above presupposes that the requested music is actually playable on the instrument concerned.

I just wonder what gems this weeks royal wedding will give popularity to, and will no doubt be requsted by happy couples for the next ten years at least. Never mind that the organ in the parish church only has two manuals, that the reed stop is out of tune and the only pedal stop has a cipher.

SB

Mercifully, I have had very little - indeed, none of this nonsense. I have been treated very well.

The only 'incident' happened when I was a church organist some forty years ago. The bride's mother (but not the bride and groom) had given everyone in the church grief in some way or another. The flowers arrangers, parish clerk etc were all thoroughly fed up with her. She even wanted to rehearse the servers herself as well as come to choir practice! Anyway, the vicar suggested that when the bride's mother arrived on the day I should play the Presto from Mozart's K522. I duly did and the flower ladies, parish clerk, choir, servers and Assistant Curate all saw the joke, for at that time the piece was used as the theme music for a well-known TV programme. It is the only occasion I have ever done such a thing.

At my mother's funeral in 1989 the organist not only ignored the (very reasonable and straightforward) requests for entrance and recessional music, he 'doodled' very badly instead (whilst wearing a rather well-known hood indicating a qualification of some considerable distinction). Our requests were made courteously and in good time. It was quite appalling, as was his hymn playing. Happily, things are better at Exeter Crematorium now. The senior verger is himself a fine organist with a committment to getting things right. For my father's funeral last October my stepmother asked my wife to give the eulogy and me to play the organ. The senior verger and his colleagues could not have been more helpful. He told me that he always asks families to speak to their organists in good time so that the music can be sorted out.

MDSS: you were very well controlled in the circumstances. SueHM's suggested respoonse is really a most attractive way of handling such a situation.

Barry Williams

PS Whilst preparing this post an email has come in from the vicar at the parish where I played over Holy Week and Easter. It was to thank me for me efforts. Proverbs 16:24.

Have been wondering this too - shall we start a sweepstake in another thread?

MDSS please send me a supply of the medication you use to avoid snapping in the face of such rudeness!

I dread to think


Thanks to everyone for replying. I was extremely tempted to lose my rag with this woman, but that would have played right into her hands

I like it when they play music on cd players as the coffin enters/exits...then you get paid for playing a couple of hymns!!!

I've had many weddings where the couple request the Widor at the end. The chapel where the weddings take place has a 1 manual, broken pedal board, 230 year old organ which the owners of the estate where the chapel sits, rarely have serviced! I devised a suitable reduction trying to keep it sounding as close to the real thing.....some people say: "was that really the Widor" or "that's a new one!" - I'm always honest and say: "why don't you try playing the real version on that hunk of junk!"

We had a wedding at our church where the bride-to-be had taken herself off to a recording studio, and had paid 450 pounds to record her version of Shania Twain's You're still the one, to be played as she walked down the aisle.

Unfortunately the CD wouldn't play in the church's ancient CD player, so as the church 'techie' I was asked if I could make a recording that worked. The Bride's mother clearly thought her daughter had a great musical career ahead of her, and told me she was sure that the CD would bring tears to my eyes. She was absolutely right!

SB

I suppose it's too much to hope that they will go out to something vocal/choral...

I would just refuse to play it. There's no way you can do the Toccata justice on that thing. Unfortunately, the happy couple don't always see it from the organist's point of view.



There's always one. At my old church, we had several weddings where I was told my services wouldn't be required, as the wedding family were bringing their own "organist". Needless to say, it was always always a disaster

I was asked to accompany a trumpeter and a singer once as well as play the hymns for a wedding.
Both of them were very obnoxious and full of themselves. They could play and sing very well so all credit to them for that.
However, the trumpeter was just rude and at the practice we played through the piece once and I wanted to go over 2 bars again which hadn't gone well - mainly because she had put in an unmarked rit when playing which I wasn't expecting. I wanted to do it again just to be sure of exactly how much rit she was doing and she said, "No, I've played enough today and if you aren't a good enough player to keep in time with me then that is your problem". Well, I was speechless.... I accompany a lot and I've never had anyone say anything like that before. It was only 2 bars for goodness sake.
The singer seemed ok until I started the first hymn whereupon she came over and while I was playing started telling me that I was out of time with the congregation and was playing too fast and then started conducting me. I ignored her and she just started conducting more wildly and saying "too fast". I was absolutely fuming. I am the sort of person who doesn't mind constructive criticism and I am the first to admit if I have botched something up but I thought that was well out of order. She started laying into me after that hymn while the service was going on and said I was ruining the bride and groom's big day.
What a cheek. In that church when you play in the organ loft it always sounds like you are ahead of the congregation and if you don't keep the tempo up and preempt them a bit then it very quickly goes completely haywire. I've played that organ on TV, accompanying hymns and I have watched the DVD several times and it was never out of time with the congregation so I know what I am doing!
But this singer... she was just vile to me about it. I asked her not to conduct and make comments but during the other hymns she kept doing it, sighing at me and waving her arms, shaking her head and saying how bad I was!

If anyone tried that with me they would get some exceedingly sharp home truths followed by an order to go forth and multiply.

Absolutely outrageous.

I hope you gave her a real earful afterwards; I would have found that completely off-putting. One can only hope she was visible to the congregation and looked a complete prat.

That is a disgrace. In my view you would have been well within your rights to ask the singer to vacate the organ loft forthwith, (whilst going forth and multiplying of course ), or alternatively showing her where to switch the blower off when she had finished the voluntary.

Weddings and funerals seem to bring out the worst in some people, especially when they are trying to make a big show of things. My pet hate is wedding photographers, who seem to think the whole show is staged only for their benefit, and that everybody should comply with their timetable. Even worse, many of them deliberately try to block the view of anyone with a half decent camera. After all, they charge 2,000 pounds or more these days, so what more do they want?

I was asked to take some photographs at a friends daughter's wedding, and this was agreed with the official photographer in advance. The day was bright, and the light was good, so I took the opportunity to use my medium format film camera. However, when the photographer saw me using it she became very hostile. I explained that she had previously agreed to me taking photographs, but she said she hadn't realised that I would be using a film camera, and that if I continued she walk off the job.

She and I both know that MF film is far superior to digital; yet she chose to use digital to make her life easier, and then refused to allow me to use a film camera!

In the event, her photogaphs were a dissapointment, and had it not been for the few images that I and other guests took the album would have been very thin indeed.

SB

This woman looked a prat without trying. When I arrived at the church this morning, she was ushering people into the pews

I noticed she was quick to thank me for the wonderful music. Humble pie eh?

As a singer who occasionally plays for services, I know the organist is never playing out of time; it is his or her job to lead the music!

On the occasion when an organist was accompanying me an turned two pages at once during a candle-lit service it was a case of keep going and know when he had sorted himself out he'd come back in again.

Anyone who does anything else is just insulting the Organist.

Oh and as for Priests etc who have grand ideas, do a "Jeeves" on them - Play the tune you know nobody knows as if it is well known, then when no-one joins in and you are asked, at least you warned them.

Not that any of these people will ever thank you for it!

.... and they go forth ALONE!!!

LOL-ly
GC

It is always the worst form of laity who tries to tell you what to do... you know the type who thinks they know but doesn't then decides to carp and criticise behind your back over why what you knew was necessary wasn't.

Either you need the patience of a saint or a thick skin. I possess neither, so my new role model is Zippy from Rainbow... preferably with the mouth Zipped... me that is ... at least until the stam has stopped escaping from my ears.

As a newcomer to the forum I was very interested to read this thread. I'm a chuch choir director; I'm not an organist and would never be talented enough to do that so I hope you don't mind me reading the organ forum!

Anyway, I was reassured by this thread - my choir is OFTEN asked to sing the most random and odd selection of pieces. And as a four-part choir it presents us with similar problems. The main ones being a) Is it a piece actually written for four parts, or do I have to find suitable soloists or just have a slightly jumbled unison and b) Can we realistically practice and prepare the piece in time for the wedding / funeral? The answer to either or both is often no, but the persons requesting seldom appreciate that as "I've got it on CD so it must be possible".

I wonder what some organists think about the selection of questionnably "inappropriate" music for a church service? Would you entertain "The Beatles"? Pieces in the style of "Sister Act"? Not to mention the oft-requested love songs currently in the charts?

And yes, in response to an earlier comment, we too don't mind pieces being played on CD. We get paid the same whether we sing two congregation hymns or those AND three anthems during the signing of the register.

But if you're planning a wedding and reading this....enough with "Jerusalem". PLEASE. If you genuinely don't know any other hymn, please seek advice.

Even though it was used for a certain wedding this year, Jerusalem is not suitable to be sung in a CofE church. It is not a cry of national pride, the 'satanic mills' are Englands Churches and Cathedrals. Blake was a non-conformist, the double entre between Albion Mill and the Church is quite deliberate. Unfortunately the Union JackFlag wavers are not scholars in English Literature and are as thick as pigs blissfully ignorant over this matter. Love Divine (Blaenwern) is a much more appropriate choice!

People think too much about the words when hymns are concerned. My primary concern is the music and whether or not it is a lot of fun to play. Jerusalem works well on both those levels, so I am always delighted when it is programmed for a wedding down our way. I'd rather have a decent tune and supposedly 'inappropriate' words than some liturgically-righton claptrap with a banal melody.

You can have both! I don't normally do liturgically-right on and banal... if the tunes that bad I check the metre and find another tune (where possible)

The day I looked at the liturgy and thought of the congregation sighed and selected Amazing Grace was the exception not the rule. The real pity was I'd judged the congregation perfectly; they loved it. Still no accounting for taste.

Our church seems to work quite well in having what I assume are liturgically correct pieces which all work. My main ambition for my wedding music is to pick hymns that are appropriate, well known enough (for a congregation who have been largely brought up to be churchgoing/public schools with traditional assembly) background and interesting musically. I'd've accepted the patriotic hymns (Jerusalem/I vow to thee my country) if one of us had been in the services but otherwise I don't like them (and you can always use the other words to I vow to thee my country!) so they're not on my list. Currently got a short list of about 7 or 8 (without OH's additions such as "fight the good fight" and "He who would valiant be" which I am sure are there just to annoy me!)

I like the suggestion of 'Dear Lord and Father of mankind, forgive our foolish ways....

Wonderful tune!
Oh and always use Bunyan's original words for Who would true valour see, especially the bit about Hobgoblins nor foul fiends' Normally makes the mother of the bride wince (and you can say it was the author's original text!).

I'll risk appearing as one of the thick as pigs blissfully ignorant ones here, although I've never waved a Union flag, and defend Jerusalem as just being a rattling good sing.

My personal yawn is Lord of the Dance. I fail to see how that is appropriate for a wedding either, but every other ceremony here seems to request that; probably because they don't know any others, so when Jerusalem appears it is almost a relief.

I don't see it as my place to tut at people's choices, although I will happily advise if asked.

It is probably not even a generational thing either; my dad is nearly 90 and had not a clue what hymns to have for my mum's funeral - he simply didn't know any so I had to pick them.

Occasionally a piece will be requested to be played/sung during the signing of the register but 99% of couples just want some suitable noise to fill the space.
Is this the place to record that last Saturday I played the Lady Gaga fugue that was linked recently? Nobody said anything about it but then it was a rather subdued do - probably the bad weather and the fact that there were only about 40 people there might have had something to do with it.
The service sheet was a delight; 2 hymms (sic) and 2 verses of All things B+B conflated into 1 with an extra line. Oh, and the Almighty was asked to lead us into temptation.

Mel, I agree with you about 'The Lord of the Dance'. Theologically it is unacceptable in Christian worship, being syncretism on Hindusm, of a sort. (Mr Carter explained that quite clearly many years ago.)

Musically it is trite, being a badly watered down version of the Shaker Song, '"'Tis the Gift to be Simple", which is rather lovely.

However,if it has to be performed at all, it is best played in the organ arrangment by A G Mathew, to be found in the 1969 Supplement to the Methodist Hymn Book. Regrettably, Christopher Dearnley's weak arrangement in New English Hymnal is ineffective by comparison, being better suited to the piano, if at all.

Because the item is popular, there is a tendancy to allow it to be sung. If 'The Lord of the Dance' is theologically acceptable then 'Jerusalem' is positively orthodox and has a much better tune.

Incidently, Jerusalem is set out nicely on three staves in Hymns Anceint & Modern in a very straightforward arrangment by the late Sir George Thalben-Ball.

Barry Williams

Ha ha! I appear to have opened a "Jerusalem" can of worms...but am very interested to hear what others are asked to sing at weddings.

Our frequent flyers are:

- Jerusalem
- Lord of the Dance
- Amazing Grace
- Morning has broken (at any time of day)
- Give me oil in my lamp
- Love Divine
- Make me a channel

*yawns*

I think the right way to handle this would have been to contact the family at that point ot see if they had any special requests ... with 2+ weeks it might have been possible to agree to their requests.

"Make me a channel.. ", is known in my church as "Dig me a ditch".



Chris Baker, Durham

I quite like that one...

Not to play though. Too many F#s in a row... (in the version of it we used to bash out on recorder for school assemblies).

Very rarely do I get to speak to the funeral family with regards to music. It's often taken care of by the funeral directors (as is the fee) in this area.