Try listening to hear what someone else hears in the music - it isn't always the same as what you'd want to do yourself in any case - your own performance needs to match your personality, the acoustic you find yourself in, the instrument at your disposal. And remember this - you feel you murder the music because you know what you did wrong: in a recording, a musician has to get everything right, but they don't always do so in one single attempt....and in a concert they don't get it all right, but the moment passes and not all the faults are noticed.
I do listen to recordings - to lots of them. I know there are teachers out there who say don't, you'll destroy your own interpretation and try aping what you hear: I don't think it has to be that way. By the level you've reached, you are ready to listen for what the masters do in order to develop your tastes in performing style, and can hear what works for you and what doesn't. As far as you never playing as well as the performer in the recording - well, but nobody else will either. No performance of any music is flawless, because the issue of taste comes into the equation: I don't aim to play as well as my musical heroes do, but I do aim to play well enough to get out of the music the sense and expression I can find in it. When I was at grade 7-ish level, I also didn't believe I could manage even that, and have been suitably surprised and pleased to find that actually, it does come
When coming to Egham, I'd sent out a link to a recording of the work I was attempting, for my accompanist to hear, knowing they were going to hear something far more accomplished than I can do, just to give a sense of the shape of the thing. Knowing I can't play as quickly as the guy in that youtube video, I played much more steadily but comfortably within my capability - making it my own in the process. I still fluffed some, but nothing like as much as I would've done if I'd tried to do the same as the professional