Hello,

When I started to learn the flute my husband and children were very supportive. My own parents think I am too old to be learning an instrument. Recently I have wanted to also learn the violin. I will still continue to learn the flute. Now I can feel the support slipping away. People are starting to mention that I should be concentrating on my kids more and I am taking on too much. My husband is still supportive and so are the kids. It is everyone else that is making me wonder if I am being silly. I was just wondering what other people's experiences were as adult learners.

LearnerFlute x

People ask me why I work so hard with lessons in 2 instruments and practice in another 2....my answer is that it is something that is a part of me...I now can say it's what I do, since I am now teaching etc - it all earns money.

But before that, with a job, teaching, family, plus the band and 3 instruments at that point - one of which I was doing DipABRSM they thought I was crazy. Probably still do, but I care less. My family are supportive, hubs sometimes more than others, but we now have an understanding...(mostly!). Kids love it - apart from when I'm away - and it does inspire them to practice too when they see me doing it.

I'd be politely suggesting they find interests other than your lifestyle. (Mind their own business).

Possibly a degree of jealousy that you've the drive to learn three instruments, most don't have enough zip in them to learn one. You can spot them a mile off because they say things like "aren't you too old?"

Most of my family is indifferent-supportive in that they don't bother me about playing the piano (but I also live alone, so I don't have to deal with *that* either). Mr corenfa is supportive in that he is also learning the piano (with occasional lessons from me), but I do also make sure that I don't completely leave him a "music widower" when I go for forum events (I won't spend the whole weekend away, for example) so maybe I never gave him the chance to complain about anything

I think that how you run your family and your interests are entirely your own business. I don't get the intrusive questions about how much time I spend with children, as I haven't got any, but then I do get stupid questions about why I haven't got any children, and I have started making up stupid answers.

All the best!

Agree with comment it's none of their business!

Bit of a long discourse to set the scene - I'll get to the point I want to make eventually

Once upon a time (and it was not long ago) people always had activities and interests outside of work and the home. Hobbies and interests of all types flourished and people got involved with groups etc to follow them. Could be anything from outdoor activities and sports, or history, astronomy, music, geology, etc etc.

Over the last 30 years we have seen this fall away. It doesn't matter what the subject is - local choir, amateur group of whatever type (astronomy, photography, geology, history, scouts) they all tell the same story - the complete collapse of membership from people in the 20 to mid 50s age range.

I'm sure there is a Ph.D in researching this! The reasons are many and complex. People are time poor. For people with families, parents are often taxi services as kids don't walk or use buses to get around (like I did); working days are often longer; people's commutes are longer - people used to live and work in the same town; television is an easy option, and so on.

I don't have a family, but there is pressure on me to work long hours, whic I try to push back on.

I have experience in two areas: choirs and amateur astronomy. I was invovled in administration of amateur astronomy from 1976 until 2006 (I started young ) from local level right up to national level. In the 70s, societies had a broad age range of membership from teenagers right through to people well into retirement. Many of these groups, especially in the large industrial cities, have a long proud history going back into the late C19th. Typical compositon was one third U20, one third 20 - 50; one third 50+. Nowadays it's more likely to be 10% under 25 and maybe another 20% covering 25 - 50 (i.e. one third covering everything U50) and remaining 70% over 50. Nationally, I used to get chairmen of local societies telling me the same story from across the country.

Choirs it's a similar story. Members U30 are rare - you do get a few. You do get younger ladies in the choir, but men U50 are very rare. I was 39 when I joined the choral society - I was the youngest man in the choir. For almost all of the time since (over 12 years) I have remained the youngest. It's only in the last year that that has changed.

Over the years I've talked to archaeology groups, geologists, ship societies, history groups, photography groups - they all tell the same story: the decline of membership from people of working age.

So, back to the main story From my own experience at work, relatively few working-age adults are occupied in "hobby" type activities. The consequence is other people do not understand this behaviour and have no experience of their own to relate to. Consequence is they regard it as odd.

I'm a firm believer in individuality (that's a surprise given I play the viol!) and something which I find very sad is the way that modern society is so conformist. It was bad enough when I was at school to plough your own furrow (yes I preferred astronomy to football and I preferred Mozart to heavy rock). I think it's much worse now.

So, more power to your elbow and we should celebrate individuality and ploughing of furrows . It's ironic in an age that "celebrates diversity"

In childhood I was only allowed to play the organ. There wasn't just no support for other instruments, they were actually Forbidden. Of course that wouldn't stop a naughty child and I bought a flute out of secret savings when I was ten, and learned to play the piano in the practice room at school and while babysitting (poor children I was minding must have got no sleep).

As an adult no one gets to tell me what to do. I have no tolerance at all for other people being prescriptive about what instruments I am allowed to play, how many, where or when (I try not to wake my children early on Sundays as I'll have to leave off practicing to start catering). I guess I radiate this opinion as no one has challenged it.

I take this aggressive stance when I hear of other people being criticised in their musical aspirations too. Blood starting to boil now... Red Mist decending... Let me know who/where these criticisers are and I'll come round and shout at them for you.

I have the same scenario more or less. Maybe I am being slightly selfish but I have wanted to learn to play the piano for a long long time. Food still gets put on the table, the washing is still done, I still go to work etc. I am even more determined to practice, I just sometimes have to be up at silly o'clock to get it done. I suspect that the people who tell me I am too old, neglecting my husband, kids etc are just jealous that I am getting some me time. If you really want to learn your instruments then keep at it. It's good for the children to see that mummy has interests of her own too.

too
If the arrangements you have work well for you and your immediate family (i.e. those dependent on you [be that children, spouse, parents, etc]), then it isn't the business of anyone outside of that group to pass judgement or even casual comment!
In my experience (well, my extended family), it's definitely the aunts who feel most free to make mention of the fact the lifestyle you have chosen isn't the one you 'ought' to be following. Huh, I've just made a mental note to be suitably supportive towards my brother's children in doing whatever it is they and theirs choose to do, and not be a dreaded aunt

Like corenfa I'd describe my family as indifferent-supportive.
This was pretty well always so from playing instruments at school and finally getting my much wanted but not expected piano lessons at 14. It was what I did.
My husband and children have never known me not doing music in some way and luckily my husband didn't expect me to change when we got married. Having separate interests served us well when the children were young since being out on different evenings meant we didn't need to compromise or get baby sitters.
Having interests outside the home also meant that our children grew up knowing that we had things we enjoyed doing the same as they did and that we all had to fit in together. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mother but stopped piano lessons for a few years when the children were young as I didn't feel able to practice enough for it to be worth it.
Now our children are grown I do take the weekend away for things like forum events and my husband has away trips to watch sport (mostly cricket). It's accepted that practice happens and that it means that being at home doesn't necessarily mean being available.

People just like to criticize and be negative. I think it's mostly because they don't like change, or because they envy someone who's following a dream. I guess some people might just be mean-spirited.

I've lost count of the people who've "kindly" told me how "brave" I must be - learning "such a hard instrument" at "my age". I'm hardly geriatric (though feeling it right now). Maybe they think they're being kind? Maybe they think they have a right to comment on how I choose to live my life? Maybe they should just butt out!

We all have 24 hours in a day. Some people choose to get up early and go to the gym. Some people choose to watch TV all evening. Some people spend all Saturday at the footy then the pub. Do those people get criticised? Nowhere near as much as someone wanting to spend their time learning an instrument.

I'm lucky - my OH is very supportive, but my birth family and most other people I know think I'm nuts, but frankly I don't care. Sometimes I think I'm nuts, spending all this money, effort and time for what is unlikely to be more than a hobby, but I enjoy it, and when it goes well the pain and the effort and the expense is worth it. And when it goes badly - it's still worth it.

I think if I was a parent getting the kind of criticism the OP is getting I'd ask "So what do you think I should be doing then?" Or ask "How much time do you spend engaged with your children?" As opposed to watching TV while they're on Facebook. I'm sure watching mother making the effort to chase a dream, watching her determination and dedication, how she deals with frustrations and still keeps going must be much more useful life lessons to the kids than slobbing in front of the TV. (Yes - I realise it's not an either/or situation - music/TV - I'm just using those as shorthand).

Learnerflute - the only think that would be silly is to give up your dreams because of the criticisms of someone else. You and your family are happy with your musical pursuits. That is all that matters.

Sorry - rant over. But I feel very strongly about this.

My family are vaguely supportive / politely disinterested - my sister's children have never known me not to play the piano so they just don't think about it much

I've actually stopped telling people that I'm an "adult learner" - if they ask how long I've been playing I just say "years", which is true. If they ask about playing as a kid I just say that I never used to practise when I was a child, which is also true.

So I suppose I don't encourage other people!!!

A surprising number of people say how lucky I am and how they wished they'd learned as children, too late now etc. I'm afraid to say that I offer no help at all apart from to say that learning piano has very little to do with skill and a lot to do with practising every day for several years. Very few people believe me - so I don't try to change their minds.

Comments above about hobbies are very true - I've been involved with Am Dram / Music theatre for many years. There is usually some interest from teenage girls, but males under the age of 50 - forget it. A friend of mine is also a very keen member of the local bridge club - at 47 he is the youngest member!

People outside my immediate family think it's a weird thing to attempt in my 50's, but my daughter who is in her 1st year of a music degree, has played piano for me to practice exam pieces, and tests me on scales, and my son, who is grade 7 on cornet, will help me with reading awkward rhythms now that his sister is away from home. My husband has been inspired to take up Sax, something he's wanted to do since childhood. We have a standing joke, that we have a family band called "The ASBO's" (as A, S, B, & O are our initials!!)
When I first started, four years ago, everyone understood that my time practicing was important to me, and were very supportive. Now that the kids are starting to live their own lives, it's become something worthwhile to do with the extra time I now have for myself.
So, keep it up. If the family don't understand your passion for music, that's their problem, not yours.

No-one round here seems to mind my taking up the violin in my 50's.

Maybe they're resigned to my eccentric ways by now...

It was my husband who found me my first recorder teacher, and chummed me on the harpsichord when I was trying to teach myself treble recorder: the kids were smallish at the time I started (about seven and five, I think) and tended to bounce in and out and demand attention when we were playing. We rarely played for longer than an hour or so though, and not every day, so we didn't feel too guilty or neglectful. It's good for kids to learn to entertain themselves too - I find dawn to dusk packed timetabling of kids' lives to be a bit precious and stifling, to be honest.

Extended family, well yes, they're different. Some of my lot do think the full package of middle class curriculum is the way to go, and feel it's their business to imply we're rubbish parents, most of them think the recorder is for kiddies, and have taken a very very long time indeed to realise that I might actually have moderate skill at playing by now, and that the effort has been worth it. Other parents in the school playground have clearly thought that music lessons are something you put kids through for their CVs and personal statements, and have asked me why on earth I've been taking them, as if one grows out of learning .

Are parents selfish to follow their own wishes and desires when the kids are growing up? I don't think so - not if they also spend time with their kids: it's a balance. For one thing, parents who devote their every waking moment to their kids' lessons in dancepianojudokumonswimminggymnasticsviolin, enforced socialising in cubsbrowniesyouthgroupdrama and supervising homework and practice suddenly find, after a couple of decades, that the last of the brood has fled the nest and they've got no meaningful existence of their own to follow - doing music, or art, or sport, or whatever it is which rocks your boat, can ensure that you have something to do when the kids flit. The kids also are able to learn to plan their own time a bit, which can help when they move on to the more independent bits of life.

I spend alot of time on music, comparable to how much time my kids spend on all their extracurricular activities. Anyone who thinks I should spend less time on my own pleasure and even more of my "free" time being my kids' and OH's personal assistant can take a running jump. My needs are as important as theirs. But it is a two way thing.
I like to think I am setting an example of the pleasure of lifelong learning, an example that yes first you have to earn a living but also life is to be cherished and enjoyed to the full doing things you enjoy, and time should be allocated to creative activity. It's good for them to see their mum being creative and learning new skills, and important to learn that sometimes they have to give support to me, just as I happily support them by ferrying them to lessons and attending their performances etc.
Sometimes I do get carried away with the length of my practice time, and my OH has to remind me not to get carried away and not to forget him. But that's ok, I am aware that I have an addictive personality so don't mind being reminded not to over-do it. We have an understanding that we have arrived at through love and negotiation.
I've been set a good example myself. My father age 67 has just completed a degree with the open university, and just taken his grade 3 piano. My mum has just started art lessons and is learning to draw. To me this is completely normal and healthy behaviour. My in-laws are constantly baffled by our strange ways...........

I'm probably relatively young, but I've mainly found support so far, some slight disinterest from the previous generation of family, and very little reproach.

I usually end up trying to encourage friends and family to take up an instrument (or restart one from childhood as is often the case) as they moan about never being able to play anything properly. Maybe they would be more negative towards me if i was part of their generation? but as a young adult I am excused from this stigma?

Either way I would put it down to who matters the most, and if your partner and children are happy with it. What right do they have to judge? If anything your playing should motivate your family to join in with you, possibly learn their own instruments. Not push them away. And if that happens those who are critical have absolutely no grounds on which to base their judgement.

One of the most destructive mental habits that I used to have (since thankfully grown out of) was that once I was out of school (including university) I would never have the time to formally learn anything new again. I'm glad I dumped that one some years ago.

Completely agree about not spending 100% of time doing stuff with or for family - if my situation changed and I had children, I still wouldn't spend 100% of my energy on them. I think it's good for children to know that parents have interests too, and that parents don't exist just to serve them. That's how it was when I was growing up.

I quite agree, not that I have kids myself, but I agree with the philosophy.


brilliant - well done to your Mum and Dad What a great example!

I think it is probably a bit more acceptable for me, as I don't have children. My OH is very supportive - and my practice has encouraged him to get his guitar out and start writing songs again. Which is great! My friends are generally benignly disinterested but I haven't had any disparaging comments. I have one lovely friend who is very supportive and always wants to come to my orchestra concerts. Thinking through the friends that I have, a large number of them also have their own "thing" that they do that also takes time/ money so they probably don't think it odd that I do - a lot of them also play musical instruments as that's how I've got to know them, but others are into rock climbing, going to the gym, crafts, singing in choirs, photography, amateur dramatics etc. I suppose that because I am not in that Mums network I don't come across people that are completely focussed on their family...and any friends that I had that went into that mode I gradually drifted apart from as we didn't really have anything in common anymore.

So in answer to the OH, it sounds like you need some new friends. Beware the frenemy - those who prefer to have company in dullness and misery. A true friend will encourage you to do the things that make you happy and fulfilled.

That's fantastic, congratulations to your mother and father.

Happy Easter!

Hello,

Luckily my friends have been very supportive. My mum friends and work friends are brilliant. Opposition is mostly from family (including my own parents). My my mum won't even listen to me play. My dad thinks it's good I play the flute but doesn't want me to learn the violin. It seems I had more support when I was just learning one instrument but now I want to learn a second, the general feeling is I won't cope or that the flute playing will suffer. I just really want to learn. As training for my flute exam I had to listen to loads of classical music and I love the sound of the violin!

LearnerFlute x

Have you thought that it might be the thought of the sound the violin beginner is known to make that is worrying them???
Just a thought....

Ha ha yes indeed! But you can get a good mute. And being already a musician, and an adult, I'm sure you will be sensitive to working towards making a pleasant sound from the start.

I used to have a "friend" who would put me down at every opportunity when it came to music - they would say I sounded awful, that I would fail exams etc etc - needless to say this person is no longer a friend. Generally friends and colleagues are very supportive - offering to come and hear me play or listening to me waffle on about my lessons, music, instruments......

My OH is particularly supportive - he offered a shoulder to cry on when I failed, a new flute when I passed and has recently driven over 100 miles just to bring my violin to my new location as I happened to mention in a phone call how much I was missing playing.

I'm very lucky.

This rings bells I had a long-standing "friend" who would denigrate anything I did including being disparaging about my singing yet had never heard me perform in a concert.

I eventually realised his put-downs and behaviour were his "entertainment" and that I was being used for his amusement. Took me a while to understand this, but he became an ex-friend. It was remarkable how many things straightened themselves out after that decision.

Sadly, there really are people who enjoy putting others down - probably because they can't do it themselves, so it's a form of jealousy.

I agree totally with those who like to demonstrate life long learning to their children. Be it an instrument or a new language or a new sport etc etc. Lots of my work colleagues play something as well. And now I am of a certain age where I am seeing the decline of my own and friends' parents I can say that it is the beginning of the end when you have no interests in life apart from moaning and your health. The healthiest older people are those with continued enthusiasm for life and new learning opportunities.

I am lucky in having a DH who has always been used to me travelling away for work, training for sporting events, playing music.....And I happily wave him off to wherever the National Sailing Championships are and to weekly sailing, golf etc. We are happy to hold the fort and tend to the children alone to let each other do these things. I have friends who have a separate holiday each per year - he cycles vast distances with cycling mates and she does cultural pursuits with friends in various countries and cities. Children never stopped them doing that even when they were very young.

Now if only I could train DH to cart the harp about for DD with more skill and confidence.....it scares the life out of him especially steps and car loading. I get advice seeking texts like crazy if I am away from the moment it gets the covers on to the moment it gets back into the house!

Well, that's ok. Practice makes perfect, even with harp moving skills. And if that's what it takes to let you have time away doing what you like then that's ok. Try convincing him that harp has been ok so far, so he's very competent.

I think I'm quite privileged in my position: OH ( ) goes out to work, I work from home and we have no kids. He has his interests (mountain sports.. so days/weekends away climbing then) and I have my music and we share the dogs. For context I was a semi-professional clarinettist but gave up in my early 20s so I had a musically saturated early life!

When I started violin about five years ago (aged 39) OH was very sceptical and I could only practice when he was out. He made it hugely clear on a regular basis that he "hated" the sound but of course I was free to do as I liked when he was not around.

When I switched to viola OH said he was much happier with the sound and when I bought my 'good' viola last year he did admit it had a "glorious" sound and was less painful on his ear. With my string of high marks too for the beginners exams he has developed some respect for my music and will quietly help out even to the extent of encouraging me to practice leading up to an exam! But I still have to play two rooms away with all the doors closed

The rest of the family is different though sadly. My brother always hated me practising when I was a child so when I offered to buy his twins (aged 7) starter violins, or ANY instrument they chose, he was extremely rude about it. Thankfully his wife understands the benefits to concentration of music etc but she also has no respect for anything I do so refused the instruments but at least enrolled them in choir .. which they love. They also have a piano in the house but no lessons as yet. I am not allowed to mention music to any of them without accusations of snobbery.

My Father still loves his own music and although he can't play his violin any more he manages to play the mandolin and enjoys it. But although he happily will chat for hours about music and instruments it's generally only about his own interests and doesn't want to hear about my viola playing. He certainly doesn't want me to play to him in case I make a mistake which would distress him as it did when I was a child (and yes, you can imagine the damage that did to my confidence). But he is on the Aspergers end of the Autistic spectrum so as an adult I don't take it personally. He has never seen my viola but is actively trying to get me to play the mandolin... because it's HIS interest. (No, I'm not )

My Mother-in-Law seems to hate all music although she did tolerate her husband's interest in Opera on a small level. When I began violin she told me just how much she "hated" it! Luckily she lives far away and when she came for the weekend I just didn't play and said nothing about it. Over the years though, and with the high exam marks, I think she has developed some respect for me and my dedication. Although she has never heard me play, and probably doesn't want to, she will ask how I am getting on with practice, will phone to wish me luck and again to see how an exam went, and will send me birthday cards with violins on them!! I think her attitude is now very sweet

My non-musical friends know I play but we never discuss the subject... if anything they express some admiration for my interest and are never derogatory.

And my musical friends know me well It's all about fun It's only my 'hobby' (loved the interesting post from TenorViol back on page one and agree with him) and I have no intention of professional ambition (I love my current day job). So really I don't care who is supportive and who is not because I am doing it out of love for the instrument and am having a great time !

I am in a lucky position too. Husband leaves home for work soon after I am back from work. Thatfor he seldom is at home when I am practising. But he is very supportive. He will take some days of work when I will be away to take a masterclass, he will take a day off, when I will have exam, he travelled with me when I sat grade 5 theory and if he is at home he sometimes is giving me feedback.
Mother in law is also very supportive. She wants me to tell everything that happens on my flute journey and asks from time to time to bring my flute so she can hear me playing.

My own parents are not supportive. Just some month ago they stated, that I can only do this, because whe don't have children. But maybe it is a general problem with my parents. They seem to want me getting good results in exams but they also seem to not want me to put time, money and other things into learning music. Someone here said something about jealousy and maybe that is right.

Most of my colleagues have no idea about classical music and think the only true music is the one you need electric guitars and other electronical stuff. Maybe they think I am crazy loving classical music or they feel dumb that they don't know a thing about it, I don't know.
And from time to time I got asked if I still can not play the flute after such a long time of taking lessons. Maybe it is just foreign to some people that there are things in life to learn, that need more time than just a few days.

All in all I have to say I now get much more support from people around me than I got when I was younger and first of all I have to mention my teacher, my husband and my best friend.

Aww shucks

Family are a mixed bunch here .....

.... but if I had a penny for everytime someone who thinks adults participating in music is weird starting a conversation about the latest reality television/soap/series I would be able to afford a far better violin than i have now

I get this at work. IT is a generally male domain (about 80%). Almost all of my colleagues are graduates, some with Ph.Ds. Some of them are musicians - in bands playing guitar etc. Never been able to get any to support a concert of any description, even when it's on their doorstep.

When I think about it, I'm actually OK with not receiving any overt support (from family or otherwise) as long as I don't get any flak about it. There are so many bits of pop culture that I just don't participate in already, I gave up feeling anything about that long ago. I simply choose not to talk about it now unless someone asks directly. Anyone who wishes to think I am a snob for liking and participating in classical music is welcome to do so, I simply could not care less. That probably does make me a snob

To be fair, they tend not to be against, but they are generally sports focused - either season ticket holders for pig-bladder kickers, or some golfers, or serious cyclists. A few have horses - so they're always 'showing' or at show jumping competitions (kids and adults in a couple of cases). There's a few cricketers and the odd sailor with a dinghie. One bass guitarist in a rock band and another guitarist without a permanent band, but has regular lessons - he's older than me

I think, then I am a snob too.

You might not agree with me (!) but one of the things I have noticed about music and being a late starter (mainly thanks to parents laughing uncontrollably when I started scratching violin many moons ago) I've seen both sides, is how exclusive it is. Listening to music is one thing but making it, especially in a group, is something you can only appreciate when you're on the inside. Those on the outside, whether it is because they do something else for kicks or whether because their 'get up and go' has 'got up and gone' will simply never understand. I didn't realise how great the threshold was before I joined the club. You need to have gone quite a way before you can 'join in'. And with ignorance, comes fear....!!!

In my experience the only thing which comes close is chemistry. I have noticed many times over the years that chemists talk in their own language (long chain alkyls, Friedel-Kraft reactions, ect) and if you can't speak it, well you're not part of the clique...

You should see my neuroscience lab. I don't understand what the people a few doors down are talking about!

It would be nice to have family support: my birth family still regard me as being "too stupid" to learn anything, never mind a musical instrument (or two) and my OH neither knows nor cares of my grade 8 success and considers there is no difference between a barely reaching grade 3 cellist and an almost ready for grade 8 cellist, or between a pre-grade 1 pianist and a grade 6 pianist. Whatever roles you play (parent, paid worker etc etc) you are still an individual and free to make your own choices and decisions. There are far too many people happy to spent too much time criticising how others choose to use their own time. If you want to learn 1 instrument or 10, climb Everest, or volunteer for a charity, GO FOR IT!

It's the same with any specialist subject... they all have technical vocabularies

It's the same with any specialist subject... they all have technical vocabularies
[/quote]

I don't think it is, that's my point. I'm an inveterate self-improver with 101 hobbies under my belt but none prompted the kind of reaction I got when I started to learn to play an instrument. I learnt to fly and people said, "Wow! That must be fun!"; I teach martial arts "Gosh! I bet that keeps you fit!"; I arranged for my first cello lesson...."Why are you doing that? Aren't you too old??"

How odd. I've not had that experience with music, but I have had it with one of my other interests - astronomy - were people just think you're weird.

I think Cestrian was talking about the language used by subjects, not the reaction to it. In which case I would agree (hence my comment above). In any scientific field there is a certain language that has to be learnt. But this applies for all of these pursuits such as engineering. I'd imagine even a professor of English would have a vocabulary filled with words that most of us would never use or know (although we probably should)



I can half understand why people would find astronomy weird. Although personally I would love to own a telescope and have a go. London doesn't really allow for that sort of thing though.

I was going to say though, this thread is a bit of a complaint about why people regard adult musicians in a certain way. But I'm sure everyone here has some kind of hobby that they wouldn't understand, or think odd.



I would probably have nothing but respect (and worry) for the 50 year old who started gymnastics.
But I'm not sure what I would think of someone who started a stamp collection that late for example.

It's really sad when family members don't support you in your pursuits. Unfortunately my partner is at best disinterested in my music - and he's a musician himself! I've resigned myself to practising when he's out, but it's really frustrating. Sometimes I find myself wishing he would go out, so I can do what I want to do!

My parents are supportive non-musicians, and they are always asking about what I'm doing. They don't ever ask me to play for them though - that's something only my grandparents ever did.

LearnerFlute, you say your husband and children are supportive, which is the important thing, if you share a home! As for your parents, maybe they are worried that you won't have so much time for them if you take up another instrument?

Yes! I have personal experience of this one. Most memorably, I spent my teens wondering why one particular classmate was so vile to me, when I'd never knowingly upset her. It took me until I was about 30 to realise that envy (of my drive and enthusiasm, I think) was probably at the heart of it.

Indeed! Have you listened to Wordaholics on Radio 4?

This could also be a new thread in itself - "Name your favourite specialist word from one of your non-music interests". I offer tumblehome

And to the OP, my husband was very supportive when I resumed piano lessons

Sounds like a good idea - I'll start one!

After two marriages to men who belittled my achievements to make them feel better about themselves, one of the reason I have been with my current partner so long is his unfailing encouragement in whatever I want to do, however harebrained. He was shocked when I said I had bought a violin because I had never shown the slightest interest in music before, (probably more shocked then when I told him I'd bought a block of flats or when I came home with a motorbike), but nonetheless very supportive. He was even more shocked when I didn't chuck it in after six months, but pleased. He has even got used to me taking a violin on holiday with me.

Everyone else I know seems to be somewhere between slightly puzzled to openly admiring and even voicing jealousy that I can play, (at least somewhat), and they can't. I don't think anyone has said anything negative about it.

Personally I can't think why anyone would criticise. I always think that having a hobby, no matter how bizarre or even boring to other people is better than not having a hobby. I know people someone who has a room full of Spiderman artifacts, and another with an encyclopaedic knowledge of numberplates. Good for them I say. If it gives them pleasure why not?

I consider myself very fortunate in that my husband absolutely loves my playing and is very proud of my musical achievements. He listens to my practice and offers helpful comments where he can [he professes to be tone-deaf but isn't at all ]; and he always comes to band and orchestra concerts and usually brings a few friends. I couldn't have more support.

The cat, on the other hand, loathes my playing wind instruments - but she will sit with me while I play the piano

My Mum is very supportive of my music, however my Dad isn't. He has never heard or seen me play and when I sent him a link of me playing clarinet on Youtube with my band, he thought I was one of the flautists! I've never told him I even play the flute.

I am lucky though as my Mum and stepdad put up with hours of me practicing my various instruments every evening

I think this is lovely

I mentioned earlier my husband does support me to an extent but I have only ever played viola in one concert with the local amateur orchestra. It was a summer evening affair in a beautiful little country church. None of my friends and family came and after the concert when the families were all hugging kissing each other, enjoying the home-made buffet and chattering away with their friends I have to admit I have rarely felt so lonely. I had spent six months trying to get to know some of them but understandably they were busy with their own groups so I just slipped away. I loved playing in that concert though and stopped the car at a viewpoint on the way home so I could enjoy the delight a little longer before going home to normal life!!

I didn't go back to that orchestra in the end but my husband doesn't enjoy 'my' kind of music anyway.

How sad.

My mum goes to most of my concerts (my dad did when he was alive). Sometimes travel logistics prevent that from happening. It can be underwhelming when you have no-one to share the experience with - there's nothing flatter than just going home on your own after a concert. We do make a point in the choral society of having a glass of wine and a few savoury nibbles at the end of concerts - our MD is keen that we have a chance to "decompress" and we're careful that people aren't left alone.