What's the best way to deal with a (very) young girl who, more and more each lesson, tells me what to do (or tries!) She's not naughty and i don't want to curb her enthusiasm. I overhear her and mum in the corridor outside, and she orders mum where to sit, to do this, to do that, not to touch this etc. Mum seems harassed most of the time and obeys the little girl. Obviously when she comes into my lesson, she's trying the same with me. I've noticed too that she comes in eating all types of sticky sweets and there's often an almost crying tantrum outside when mum asks her to leave the sweets with her until the end of the lesson. I've had to clean my keys a few times with wet wipes. Sometimes i think the mother gives in for an easy life, resulting in a few minutes into the lesson the child is already delving into her bag to retrieve a chewy sweet. Then all concentration goes..... I had thought about bribery using sweeties, but i'm not a big believer in that at all.

She could respond to a little straight talking.
Something like...'Hang on sunshine, in my room I'm the boss..' Said with a smile.
Maybe a deal that she gets to be in charge at the end of the lesson by 'teaching' you. play through a piece she's been learning and get her to tell you when you make a mistake....a good aural exercise.

Don't be afraid to impose a little discipline. Kids are quite capable of adapting to different rules depending on who is in charge. You just have to show her that in your home, it's you! Who knows, Mum might even pick up some tips....

I think you need to implement firm rules about what is / is not allowed in her lessons with you, so that she knows where her boundaries are, and then don't let her get away with stepping outside them. Whatever you do in the lessons, a similar discipline is obviously not going to be followed up at home, so she needs to be very clear about what you expect of her when she's with you - which includes not delving into mum's bag for more goodies, and the resulting loss of concentration. You can do this without curbing her enthusiasm.

Could you ask mum to leave the sweets at home? Then at least you won't have the sticky hands / keys problem. Just a comment that instruments and sweets don't mix well, and could she please leave them behind as your other students do should be enough.

Might she be playing to the audience, because she knows (it would seem) that she can wrap mum round her little finger? If you think she is, maybe suggest that she has a lesson or two on her own, and then see if there is any improvement.

I have a bossy one, too - although I think she is a good bit older than yours (10). She has mellowed over the 2-3 years I have taught her, but she still has her moments, and I still have to be clear about what I expect of her.

Bribery with sweets may not be such a good thing, but find out what she likes and bribe with stickers and a reward chart with 2 or 3 targets (one - maybe to come in with clean hand and leave stickers outside - perhaps ask her to clean hands with wetwipes, two - to concentrate and listen well etc...) As a teacher, I find that stickers work almost without fail with young children, and also that children PREFER to have boundaries and know what rules to follow, and LOVE doing well. As a parent of a five year old learning instruments I have found the same thing. I agree that mum may learn something too

You've got to let them know who's boss. I had a young girl come to me aged 6 who knew no boundaries at home. It took me a while to get to grips but now she's mostly good as gold. One day I just looked at her and said "Who's the teacher here?" - we know understand each other. Sometimes she wants something (for eg to play some disney) and I want her to play her scales. I tell her that if she's good and works hard on her scales I'll let her pick some disney at the end. Seems to work. If not, find an award sticker chart- I get mine off the internet. Tell her she'll get a sticker on the chart each week if she...and list your rules. If she collects 10 stickers, she can have a small prize- I've got a bag of cheap pencils, rubbers etc that kids love to choose from! Or if you work in a school, they love getting certificates in assembly.

You don't say exactly how old she is. I think the best thing is to decide whether she really is ready for individual lessons and if you think she is then be firm right from the start. My bits of advice would be:

1. Stop the sweet thing straight away. Tell the mother in front of the child so that they both hear together that sweets are not allowed in the music room. Is it the child?s bag or the mother?s that she delves into? If it?s the child?s tell she must not even have any sweets in her bag and if you find she has you will remove the sweets or the bag (whichever is best) and put them out of reach until the lesson is over. Explain why because it might not have occurred to either the mother or the little girl that she is not respecting the piano or the other people who play on it. If she doesn't get the point ask her how she would like to play on a piano that someone else had left in a sticky state - and that pianos are expensive and need to be cared for. Do this politely but firmly and stick to it.

2. If the child starts to tell you what to do in the lesson just say quietly that you are the teacher and you are therefore the person who decides what we do and when we do it. Keep at this approach until she realises that you mean it. Use a quiet but very firm voice. Don't forget to praise - but gently - when she does what you want. If the child throws a tantrum put on a very surprised look and say something to the effect that you have never known a little girl behave like this and you are quite sure she can do better ? like most other little girls. She needs to know her behaviour is not the general trend and that there are alternative ways of behaving.

Young children need firm limits and grow into unhappy adolescents and adults if they don?t have them. Don?t go down the same road as the mother. She may think she is doing the right thing, she may simply be overwhelmed and not have enough energy to be firm. If you can give this little girl some clear boundaries you will do her a great service. If this approach doesn?t work and she gives up then you have lost nothing. Years ago I wouldn?t have believed that but experience has shown me that you can?t win them all, particularly if the home background is giving the wrong or confusing signals. You can open up a pathway but you can?t force anyone down it.

Just one more thing. I wouldn?t use any form of bribery in this case. I wouldn?t even give stickers. I?m a hard nut I know but I would stick to verbal praise only for a very long time because I reckon it is because of giving in and bribery that she has decided she can rule. And she might start do demand stickers. And just one last thing ? it is, of course possible that if her strong personality can be channelled in the right direction she might grow up to become a real and responsible leader.

I agree that you should not stand for being bossed about and I think it's possible to say so in an energetic, firm way without getting cross. I don't mind a certain amount of liveliness so long as it isn't naughtiness, but it shouldn't make the lessons impossible.

Is she pre-school? You may find it better when she starts school, because you can be pretty sure that she won't get away with bossing her school teachers about!

I have to say though - having a parent sitting in who does nothing about discipline makes things very, very difficult. I had a situation, when I had just started, where the child messed about and refused to do what was asked and the mum would just laugh! It improved once I suggested that I teach the child on my own - but that was an older child aged 8-9.

Good luck . Keep us posted about what you do.

I think that's the problem!

I'm not surprised she's out of control - her sugar levels are probably sky high.

I agree with everything Aquarelle said - bit of discipline and no bribery should help the situation. I've experienced a similar case recently with a 6 year old who, after a firm, but fair, approach is responding very well in the lessons now.

I'd respond with love and kindness as the child isn't getting this from her family! And craving the love she needs. = her behaviour! Its not the child's fault.

I do agree with Aquarelle and I think some of the liveliness is due to the excess sugar and probably colours in the sweets.

I think that you could get around this by creating a "grown up" atmosphere in the piano lesson. She presumably enjoys being able to learn piano which is a grown up sort of activity. Therefore, you (as teacher) have a right to expect grown up behaviour and she should be able to survive a lesson of however many minutes without resorting to babyish activities like wanting sweets. (If she were my pupil, I would say that I have let her have sweets until now, but because I see that she is serious about learning piano, she must behave like all pianists do and come to the piano with clean fingers so from now on that's how it's going to be. OK? - cue raised eyebrows on my part, serious face, and only a short wait before I assume that she agrees and we get on with the lesson.)

It will be tough if mother is there, with sweets in her bag. But you will need to be persistent to get her to sit down again without sweets to do some work. I would for the first few lessons have short activities so that if she gets up to go and get sweets, you can call her back for a new activity.

You may be a lone voice in this child's life trying to instil some discipline, so for the other x hundred hours in the week, she may be the boss and so you may not win this one. On the other hand, she may develop greater concentration and it will be the saving of her!!

Do you think you could persuade the mother to "forget" the sweets one week?

I do agree with Susie and other posters that you can be a force for good here. And it is probably not an appropriate or helpful remark in this particular case, but I do sometimes wonder.... Are male childen ever described as bossy?

I had a boy pupil who was very bossy but I worked out that he couldn't cope with the unexpected. Once I'd worked out that my going sideways into a scale pattern or a song really bothered him I used to email him a list of 7 things before each lesson and then we worked through in sequence.

This stopped him trying to demand 'I want to do this now! Now it's this piece! Listen to me play this!'. Over time the list of 7 things began to have spaces which said 'Phil chooses something to do next' so he <did> get to choose and we practised saying those things politely and articulately. Eventually he said he didn't need lists any more

He went onto Junior Conservatoire a while after that and had got the hang of the whole 'how to have a violin lesson' by then

Bravo! It is nice to hear the good stories too.