I imagine we've all experienced it - a pupil you just no longer enjoy teaching for some reason, and you start almost to dread that time coming every week! I'm just wondering, how long do you personally usually go on teaching a pupil when it gets like this? So far when it's happened to me, they've quit before it's become too unbearable! However, I currently have a pupil where unfortunately I'm starting to feel this way and, despite all sorts of issues, they seem intent on continuing lessons.

I'm torn between thinking it's something I just need to accept as part of teaching (and hope it gets better again at some point!), and wondering whether it's worth the hassle. I also always feel guilty for feeling like this about a student - even though I know it's not my fault - and I can't help looking forward to the relief when they quit and I can get back to just enjoying my job!

Interested to know what others think.

i weigh it up by thinking: would i happily pay the cost of the lesson to NOT teach this child? if the answer is yes, then consider ways to extract yourself so that dignity is preserved on both sides - eg, my style of teaching is not necessarily the best for this child; and give the parents contact details of alternative teachers. i had one child who would hit me with her bow, in front of her adoring mother; and another who was was vile to the other less confident girl she shared her lesson with. teaching requires too much energy and enthusiasm to waste it on those who don't appreciate your efforts. extract yourself gracefully, and don't feel guilty!

Yeh, if all teaching methods have been exhausted then I think it's counter-productive and you should find a way to bow out gracefully? Can I ask, is the pupils enjoying lessons? Why do they feel so much like hard work?

My only other suggestion is to mix it up a bit...change the lesson completely, maybe bring in another student and do duet work, try composition or improvisation, pupil led...

However, if you truly feel it's not working the above is unlikely to change your thoughts on the matter. Just use your judgement. Perhaps the parents are pushing the child to do lessons?

I agree with the previous post, you can easily make a reasonable request to change as your teaching style isn't suited to this child and you don't see the benefit for him, or the parent paying the money.

On the other hand, if the pupil is enjoying the lessons, I'd say it requires some creative thinking.

I've been in that situation lots of time. I think I've found the right balance for me in terms of how long I let it go on for and how much effort I'm prepared to make things different, and when to let go.

I went on a sales course a few years ago (the one where they show you videos of John Cleese) and what struck me is the line "One in ten people are not going to like you whatever you say or do". This gives me strength when things don't work out - I can accept that 10% of people are never going to be compatible.

This is a difficult one. I have got to an age where I think life is too short to spend time with children who do not practice, make no measurable progress, resent coming to their lessons, bring unpleasant bodily odours with them, or whatever the problem might be.

One of my piano students, a little girl in Year 4 (who fulfills all of the above criteria), is 9 going on 49. Her manner can be abrupt, rude even, she deliberately speaks in a voice I can barely hear, often facing away from me at the same time, made very slow progress during Year 3, and for a long time I have been considering terminating her lessons. But I persevered (thinking of the money).

Last week she came along with a piece of paper on which she had written out a tune she had composed. She played it to me, and I was amazed to discover it was actually rather good. Eight bars long in G major finishing on the dominant, and musically satisfying. Her method of notation was entirely upside down and back to front, but she knew what it meant. I challenged her to write another eight bars finishing on the tonic, and this week she delivered.

Would that all difficult kids were capable of springing that sort of surprise. Perhaps some of those I have turned away in the past might have done so, had I hung on that little bit longer. Who knows?

Through being on various teaching courses, I've read quite a few books on the subject, and the conventional wisdom seems to be "let the pupil terminate the lessons, otherwise they will feel that they've failed if the teacher does it". I dutifully followed this advice for 20 years (it caused me stress on occasions), and last month I'd had enough. Most of my families are lovely - they have enriched my life, I'm eternally grateful to them for their friendship and consider it a privilege to teach their children. The small minority, I'm managing out, making the reasons why clear (but in a no blame, holding the youngsters in high regard, being positive about their musical futures, "this just isn't working at the moment" etc etc kind of way). I feel so much better, and am in a happier frame of mind when teaching the rest. It's tough to move on the first one, (especially if like me, you have low self-confidence), but trust me, it gets easier, and is, I think, absolutely necessary.

I personally think it's a fact of life that we get along better with some students than with others. I guess what you need to ask yourself before you make a decision is WHY do you dread these lessons?

I have no qualms terminating lessons with people who are in breach of contract in some way (bad payment morale etc), or who are rude/abusive, come to lessons drunk or stoned (yes, had all that, and I'm kind enough to give them a warning first - the rest is up to them). These are really no brainers (quite figuratively as well )

Non-practisers are already a different kind of beast. Of course it's not very satisfying to work with people who make no progress, but ultimately, it's up to them. I teach a lot of adults, and for a few of them, lessons are a weekly hobby like a choir. And like with the latter, they also tend not to put much work in in-between, but they thoroughly enjoy their lesson. I'm fine with that, as long as we're clear that I'm not responsible if progress is painfully slow because they hardly work on their voices.

The last group are people who are simply not on the same wavelength. If I'm honest: I think we should be professional enough to put up with them, because it is just one of these things that happens in any job. I don't need to like all my students (although it DOES make work easier), I can draw professional boundaries pretty well, and whether I think they are also nice people I would be able to spend time with outside the lesson environment ultimately doesn't matter.

However, that's just my take on the matter...

Hmmm, I've hung on to a lot of pupils who are well past their sell-by date in the past, and I do agree to some extent with the idea that as teachers, we should be prepared to take on all comers, and make the best of what we've got. However, there are some students whose lessons do become painful for all concerned, and surely it is best to let them go, as there is a chance, however small, that they may find a different teacher who is more suited to them. If we insist on persevering, even when we are getting nowhere, because we don't want to admit defeat (professional pride?) then we are doing a dis-service to some of these pupils.

I think this is quite important: It's not about hanging on to students because of professional pride, it's about being honest and letting the student/customer decide. If they are still happy with the arrangement, we can carry on (provided none of the "breach of contract" reasons I mentioned are an issue).
That's the difference between a student-centred and a teacher-centred approach imho.

I know we all want enjoyment from our work, but at the end of the day (whether we like it or not), we are providing a service. This occasionally includes work we don't feel so hot about.

If both sides are honest about expectations, and we communicate clearly, I don't see a problem either way. If the lessons become "painful for all concerned", the student quite clearly doesn't want to be there. Better to end it then. That's quite different though from "the lessons are not enjoyed by the teacher". If the latter is the case, we need to do a bit of soul-searching and pinpoint why this is the case. Only then, we can make a decision if it's wise to terminate lessons from our side without alienating people.

You haven't said why you dread the lessons. I find that when I start dreading a certain student he or she is almost certainly feeling the same way. For example recently a Year 2 child was finding things just too difficult but he didn't say, I just dreaded the lessons & wasn't sure why. I made some changes - introduced easier pieces for a few weeks and immediately I stopped dreading lessons. I asked him how he felt and he felt better too. After a few weeks of that we've gone back onto the tutor book where we were and he's still feeling ok and so I am. Isn't that called transference in psychology terms - or something like that - where what you're actually feeling is really what the other person's feeling.

In another case I told a teeanger who wasn't practising, and hasn't practised since I've had him (about 5 years!) that I really couldn't take it anymore and if he wanted to continue learning with me then he had to do some practise. Otherwise he would have to find a different teacher. He now does a little bit of practise which means progress and again, I don't dread the lessons.

Be interested to hear what it is you're feeling about the lessons and what your student feels too....

Problems can arise when the parent is the one who is keen for the child to continue, but the child doesn't want to learn (ie doesn't enjoy lessons, doesn't practise etc). Who is the customer in this situation? Surely a student-centred approach in this situation is to tackle the issue and end the lessons if need be? It's all very well saying that we should let them make the decision, but realistically, they aren't always going to get the message that things aren't working.

I don't disagree at all, Scooby Doo. If the student doesn't want to learn and they are, in a way, attending lessons against their will, we have to discuss the issue (with the parent, if applicable). Sometimes things will change, often they won't, and then it's time to say goodbye.

To play they devil's advocate though: "Things aren't working" is relative. For whom?

If both parties are clear that no progress is being made, and the student doesn't really want to be there, the case is straightforward.
What though if it is just our assumption that things aren't working, because of our expectations as professional musicians? The student's expectations might not be that high. They might be perfectly happy to just come to their lesson once a week and find it quite "therapeutic" to just play, even if realistically, they don't make much progress. That's what I meant about communication being a crucial factor. We might not massively enjoy teaching students who don't have goals. In that case, maybe we should focus on just teaching (semi)pros.

There are many ways around the issue if we are clear about what our preferred type of clientele is, and what we are able to put up with. If we e.g. repeatedly get fed up with students who don't have high(ish) aspirations, we have to look into teaching a different clientele (solution A), or make peace with the fact that if we want to/have to teach all levels and abilities, there will always be ones who are maybe not "our favourite type of student" (solution B).

To give you two very similar (only at first glance though) examples from own experience:

Student A: Very busy self-employed person, often has to cancel last minute (has no problem with paying for this), enjoys their lessons though when they can attend and is happy with slow progress. I keep them on. No problem for me since the issue has been discussed, and they are completely clear about the fact I cannot be held responsible for virtually no progress.

Student B: Also very busy business person, cancels constantly last minute (sometimes without notice), always moans they still have to pay (although they always do in the end), gets impatient during the few lessons they actually DO attend. I have an honest chat with them, they feel they are not getting enough out of lessons (and a bit hidden, they actually imply they should be more advanced after over a year of lessons, when in fact, they probably only attended 4 months' worth). We decide to terminate lessons there and then (and I don't insist on any notice periods in that case, because it's in a way me who instigated the whole thing). Fine by me as well.

I don't have any clue what the OP's particular problems with this student are, but I would advise, in any given case, to be aware of the fact that sometimes, it is not the student, but our expectations that make teaching relationships tricky.

BabyGrand's case might be totally obvious, they don't pay on time, are rude, whatever. Then I'd say: Stop it there and then, you don't need to put up with bad behaviour.

If there are other reasons, the case might not be so clear-cut and require a bit more thought.

I agree - and would also add that a teacher's mental health matters too - sometimes we need to protect ourselves from (unintentional but still real) harm. The more you care, the harder it is, and repeated negative experiences can really get you down. The beauty of being self employed is that we have a high degree of control over our lives and who we deal with - it took me years to get round to using it!

Thanks for all the replies - really helpful stuff and lots of food for thought!

With this particular pupil it was a combination of things, the main ones being lack of effort or enthusiasm on their part lately, bad attitude, and a refusal to do things I've asked them to. They also tend to want/expect everything done their way and on their terms. I've gone out of my to adapt and accommodate their preferences, but I've also insisted that there are certain things (like technnique!) that simply have to be done 'my way', and that, on a basic level, if I've asked them to do something, I expect them to do it. It's felt for the last few weeks/months that every single lesson is a battle, and that maybe our relationship has soured as a result. I do know they must want to continue lessons, because if they asked to quit their parents would let them, but they haven't seemed to be enjoying them any more than I have.

However, after posting here, said child greeted me at this week's lesson with: "I've done all my homework and I've done this, this and this exactly as you've told me to do, and lots of practice!" A lot of issues remain (more than I've said here), but it's the most enthusiastic I've seen them for ages - and perhaps they're starting to realise that doing as they're told is actually the best idea!

Thanks for all the advice. I had planned to see how it goes until the end of term, and reassess then, so I'll still do that, and hope things continue getting better. Actually, there are a couple of specific issues I'd really like to ask about here, but I'm worried about the pupil somehow finding their way over here and recognising themselves being talked about! Highly unlikely I suppose, but possible enough to put me off!