LOCAL TEACHER ARRESTED (Newport News, Virginia)
Acting under the authority of the Patriot Act, federal officials today
arrested a suspected terrorist at the Norfolk International Airport. The
individual later was discovered to be a public school teacher and was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a
fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means
and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every
triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.
