Found these when I was sorting through a pile of papers. Thought I'd share them with you - and see if anyone knows any more!

Musical definitions.

JAZZ: 5 men on the same stage playing different tunes.

BLUES: played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion going on at once.

OPERA: people singing when they should be talking.

RAP: people talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL: discover the other 45 minutes from the TV advert.

FOLK: endless songs about shipwrecks in the nineteenth century.

Hehe, I like that, it's like the musician jokes..take for example, the bassoon:

'Bassoon players should be perceived as 'odd' or 'weird' by everyone else' - No offence to the bassoon players on here, you're not weird!!

I like that very much, chocolatedog except I didn't get the one joke about classical. Can you help? What 45 minutes?

Fugue, a piece of music where the instruments enter one after the other and the audience leave one after the other....

It's a joke based on the fact that TV adverts often use short extracts of 'classical' music in the background. Often people when they hear a piece of music say 'oh, that's the tune from the British Airways advert' or whatever. So hearing the real piece is hearing the rest of what wasn't heard in the advert; the 45 minutes is just an arbitrary figure.

love it!

Yes love the rap and opera one and the fugal one too.

Fugal one is GRrrreat!

Some of you may have seen this before, but basically it is to make people who play the same instrument as you sound good . Here it applies to a wind orchstra, but obviously you can change it to apply to any kind of ensemble you play in. And you can change the last one to suit the instrument you play. Anyway, I thought it was funny! No offence meant to anyone by the way!

A Close and Factual Look at our Orchestral Brethren (wind orchestra)

Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to god

Concertmaster:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with god

Clarinet Player:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water on an indoor swimming pool
Talks with god if special request is approved

Oboe Player:
Makes mark high on a wall when trying to clear short buildings
Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by god

Trumpet Player:
Barely clears a tool shed
Gets run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring self
Dog-paddles
Has interesting conversations with animals

Trombone Player:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls, argues with self

Tuba Player:
Too lazy to attempt getting up, let alone any sort of leap.
Drives the locomotive.
Stole some ammunition for fun. Though he has no gun.
Must wear floaties on both arms.
Doesn't believe in God.

Drummer:
Falls over self trying to climb into bed
Says, "Look, a choo-choo"
Doesn't even get a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses arguments with self

Horn Player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.

Love that

Music - The only sensual pleasure without vice (Dr Johnson)

Contemporary Music - Three farts and a rapsberry, orchestrated (Sir John Barbirolli)

love all the jokes, esp the contemporary music one!!

what's a switch engine?

To add to the fun and games....

Real things conductors have said to their orchestras!

And these were real-live-pro conductors....enjoy....

Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato

Pianissimo doesn't mean 'drop the f*ck out'

Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion

Lets see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way

It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does

You know, there's a fine line between artistry and sh*t. Not that what you're doing is sh*t, but it's close to it

Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do

Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in his Underwear'

Play short, especially if you don't know where you are

That was a drive-by viola solo

Horns, imagine you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up

There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them

Strings, I know you're thinking 'with this kind of racket going on, why am I playing?' Well there's no time for existential questions right now

This must be much more agitated. Think of you mother-in-law

The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26

Now forget all the nasty things I've said and play naturally

You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I

Play as if you were musicians

QUOTE(SuzyMac @ Aug 22 2005, 04:25 PM)

I love these!lol!

great!!

Some of Thomas Beecham's definitions of instruments -

trombone - an antique drainage system applied to the face

organ - a mechanical box of whistles

harpsichord - sounds like two skeletons copulating on a corrugated tin roof.

better leave out what he said to the female cellist.

Er... yes, better had!

yes, we have to protect the younger forum users.

Sinfully rich

Lol!

The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There's also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally required that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups don't want to have anything to do with someone from another section. Here are some of the characteristics which typify the four groups.
Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions -- their instruments -- so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female.

String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully ... or often.

Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.

Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough.

Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective -- if not respected -- players within each section.

The woodwinds


Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumours from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special. English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.
Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs -- their only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.
It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers - - the instruments as well as the players - - and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.
Okay, now we come to the flute. Over-sexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning.
Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.
The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.
The strings

We begin with the string family's smallest member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one -- the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.
The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They wear shabby clothes so that they'll look as if they've just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.
People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player's considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won't end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.
Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?
Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen's teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind players into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right - - harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.
The brass

Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenceless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.
The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.
The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different.
The percussion

These stand-offish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily-duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice - - I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.


People who play these instruments... don't take it personally!

If anyone wants to read loads of musical jokes, including the one above, go to this website

Link

Sorry everyone... I couldn't resist adding another:

Musical Malapropisms
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A character piece is a piece of music that is dressed up.
A chromatic scale is formed entirely of semi-circles.
A dot lengthens a note one semitone.
A drone is an imitation or look-a-like of someone else's work.
A harp is a nude piano.
A man who loooks on the bright side of things is called an optimist, and one who looks on the dull side is called a pianist.
A refrain is music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
A Sonata goes through the expedition stage.
A sonatina is an instrument which you play by pulling it in and out.
A Stradivarius is a prehistoric animal.
A trio must be sung three times up to the word D.C.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do no live until they are dead.
Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in middle of playing a piece.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
An instrumentalist is one who plays his instrument for love.
An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
An oboe is an American tramp.
An octet is a figure with eight sides.
At one time singers had to use musicians to accompany them.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach's family was full of musicians which he made the best of.
Beethoven is found in The Radio Times. He made 38 senators and lately celebrated his centurion death. His father was a drunkard and sang Bass.
Beethoven wrote three symphonies the Third, the Fifth, and the Ninth. He wrote music even though he was deaf. Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his death?
Chopin died at age 39 from rebirtihabtion.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Crooning is a modern form of singing derived from sub-animal or vegetable sources.
D.C. Don't clap!
Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
Esipodical form is when one tune goes out while the other comes in.
Euclid wrote lovely music.
F.R.C.O. Fellow of Royal Canine Office.
Folk music is pasted (passed on) by oral tradition.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Handel wrote fairy tales.
Handel wrote the "Messiah" and later "The Lost Chord." It is the latter people cannot forget.
Henry Purcell was a well-know composer few people have ever heard of.
I know what a sextet is but I' rather not say.
In defining musical terms, they also demonstrate that they know their brass from their oboe.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Neda, who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon, Silvio gets stabbed also and they all live happily ever after. Caruso was the first Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
Interpretation is the way you present a piece of piece to other people.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Mandolines are high officials in China.
Melba-where Napoleon was imprisoned.
Microtones are consistent soft sounds heard through a piece.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing with music it is called Acapulco.
My favourite composer was Opus.
My favourite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
My favourite instrument is the picadilly.
Nocturne - when a particular artist writes best at night and usually composes all of his music at night.
One semibreve equals two minions and one crochet four semi-skews.
Piano trio has a piano, two violas, and a cello. String quartet has a piano, violin, and cello.
Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
Refrain means don't do it.
Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
Scales are of two kinds - diatonic and rheumatic.
Silence in music is shown by putting your feet down on the paddles.
Since synthesisers came along, singers can now play with themselves.
Some instruments used in the orchestra are: viles, cellars, trumpets, hornets, baboons, old boys and bubble basses.
Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.
Syncopation is emphasis on a note that is not in the piece.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
The difference between twelve 5ths and seven octaves, or 23.460010 cents, is labelled the Pythagorean coma
The fugue is what you get in a room full of people when all the windows and doors are shut.
The gamut is a musical scale. The name is derived from gamut or catgut, the material from which the strings of instruments used to be made.
The great 12th-century Notre Dame de Paris duo---Lenin and Protein
The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
The principle singer of 19th century opera was called pre-Madonna.
There are two kinds of scales, dramatic and chronic.
There are two pedals, the soft and the hard.
Three-four time is simply cripple time.
To descant is to pour out the air above the tune.
Two crotchets make a quaker.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tschaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

And just remember, folks

ORCHESTRA is an anagram of CARTHORSE.

Serendipitous, given that both are large and wayward, and need to be controlled by someone waving a stick.......

Why serendipitous?
I know of cart-horses only from old photos but were they wayward?

I LOVE these 2! Who's Dr Johnson, by the way? Never heard of him in music.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Rainbow and kind-hearted enlightened folks out there - I have read this one before but I don't get it. Care to explain?

Agnus Dei is Latin for Lamb of God, and, with a few other lines, forms part of the Communion Service. It's often sung as an anthem.

Make sense now, or have I missed the ponit too?

Agnes is a woman's name - not so fashionable these days................

Yup, those explanations are right!

Sorry, I'm afraid I am a bit thick today. Still don't get it! True, Agnus Dei is a hymn we sing in church but I still don't "see" the joke though I want to, really. Never mind. My favourite one is still crazy cow's electric guitar joke. That was great!

Agnus is like Agnes, an old fashioned girl's name and 'Agnus Dei' is religious music sung as part of the service in the Catholic Church

Not just the Catholic church....

What other churches? I don't really have that much knowledge about the church music of other denominations.

Well, the Anglican church uses it at every Eucharist, and I think, but I'm not sure, that it's in the methodist one too.

The Anglican does use it at every Eucharist, you're right!

Edit: Not sure about the Methodist though

My memories of Methodists is that there would not be latin texts.

However that's another thread

The Agnus Dei appears also in the many Requiems (or is that Requia?)written (such as Mozart and Faure) too

No, but it might be in English. We (I'm anglican) sing it in Eglish more than in Latin, though the heading is 'Agnus Dei' nonetheless.

and of course there's her brother Angus Dei .....

heh, nice one maggiemay...

????? maggiemay???

katyjay's post came over restraining. why would someone want to restrain a happy outcome, a fluke (serendipity) with control and waving a stick? (shrugs).

Um, sorry, no brain....

BOING, time for bed, said Zebedee...

he he, good night, sarah-flute. I love that one, too. Carthorse, indeed!

yes...! goodnite and sleep sweet...a little late, it's 8.15 in the morning but does that matter?

Dr Johnson was the writer of the first (sort of) English dictionary, he had a few odd defintions though:

Oats- A grain that is eaten by horses in England and people in Scotland

He might as well add... and sown by males everywhere!