Hello

I have a difficult problem to deal with and am wondering if anyone may be able to help me solve it. I suspect this will turn out to be a pretty long post, I hope you can bear with me

I have a stepdaughter who has been learning to play the cello for around 3 1/2 years and who has asked her teacher repeatedly if she can take a graded exam and is always being put off. He will say things like, 'I think I will put you in for grade 3' but not give any idea of time scale. She is seeing her step sister and all of her friends who started instuments at the same time go from grade to grade, and take up second and third subjects and would love to have a certificate of her own. I do not believe in entering children for exams unless they want to do so but, I do feel that this child (aged 12) would gain a lot from such an achievement even if it was only grade 1.

I need to explain the background a little, as it is this which makes it so difficult for us (her father and I). We are unable to choose who teaches her as she lives with her mother during the week only coming to us at weekends and holidays. Her mother is not at all musical and does not believe in encouraging practice, she calls that bullying. We have NEVER met her teacher.

We have been to every concert she has performed in at the academy she attends. Unfortunately her mother always reaches the teacher before we do and takes so much of his time talking about general matters he understandably needs to move on to speak to parents of other children. He holds parents consultations annually, one per child, and we are always excluded from these. We have seen her written reports, which are always encouraging and suggest she has talent but give few pointers to her actual progress or targets to work towards.

For some time we wondered if she was only learning the instrument to please us. She will do most of her practice when with us, and seems to enjoy trying the pieces we buy her for fun, the easy type with play along cd's. She finds it difficult to play most of those pieces well but that appears to be because she does not put in much practice. I couldn't honestly say she plays the instrument for pleasure when comparing her to my other daughter who will play for hours and who has to be told to stop. However, if asked she will insist she is enjoying herself.

when she started she was loaned an old and tatty instrument, the hire of which is included in the cost of her lessons. At the time we suggested that once she was sure she wanted to continue and had taken her first grade we would buy a new instrument for her. She has now been told by her teacher that she 'could do with' a new instrument.

Do we encourage her to learn the required components for an exam on her own and insist the teacher enter her before buying the instrument or do we just buy one and let her and the teacher plod on ad infinitum?

Thank you for taking the time to get to the end, I look forward to hearing your views

Jenny

Not satisfactory at all. What about changing teachers?

Do you pay for the lessons? What's to stop you contacting this teacher diplomatically? It would have to be diplomatic because if this teacher decided to play up he might work it that she isn't prepared properly. Much of course would depend on whether your step-daughter wanted to change teachers.

Unfortunately we have little control in who her teacher is. We do not pay for lessons at the moment, her mother does, altho of course she receives maintenance payments which go someway towards covering these things. We just buy the music bookss and have offered to pay any exam fees. The teacher has to be someone who can fit in with the mothers schedule and I think the child might not want to change.

Contacting the teacher however is a good idea, we might get a better understanding of the situation. diplomacy is certainly needed. Preparation is one issue, but also we don't know what he has been told by her mother.

Is the mother really rude and hard to approach..like if you tried to bring it up would she jsut ignore you?

If not maybe try to explain it to her

I think you do need to talk it over with the mother here, difficult though it may be. And whilst she doesn't encourage practise, does she actively discourage it? There is a big difference in bullying a child to practise and reminding them that it is good if it is done. Of course you also get far better value for money if they do practise.

I would not recommend preparing for the exam independently it will undermine whatever her teacher is doing with her. Although I do think it would be a good idea if you are able to establish what the teacher is doing. Also she will not be adequately prepared for an exam if she is not practising at home.

I would also wait until you personally feel more comfortable with the situation before buying a cello, which hopefully you will after speaking with the teacher.

Best of luck.

Hmmm this sounds like a tricky situation. Yes firstly you need to get hold of the teachers number to talk directly to him/ her. It does seem odd that she has been playing for this amount of time yet the teacher doesnt want to put her in. I mean I have a few pupils I have taken over and have been with for a couple of years but they are very young (7/8) and def not ready even for Prep test, but it sounds as though your child is ready for at least Grade 1.
I hope you can sort this out! I feel for the poor lass!

When you say to prepare a graded exam independently, it will be really difficult. If the student is above grade 6 standard, it is still possible to practise the three pieces on their own using the CD; and learn the scales on their own. However, it will be really hard to do this below grade 6 standard.

When i did my grade 8, my teacher said that i was a complete fool and gave up teaching me about 2 months before the exam!! But i didn't give up -- i just kept practising everyday, and learn ALL the scales on my own. I wanted to prove to my teacher that i CAN do it!

There is one great tip: Do NOT rely on teachers too much. I always tell my friends' parents not to do so. Students should do practise and study on their own! Sometimes teachers do slow down the progress!

Matthew

Yup. Actually really rude is not the right phrase. Defensive, but it can come over as rude. She would probably say she doesn't believe in exams even if that was what her daughter wanted; because it is an easy way out.

Having seen my other kids go through numerous exams I know it can be a strain on the parents too. The kids say they want to do it but they generally need reminding. They sometimes need extra lessons nearer the time and it helps to speak with the teachers to understand their progress. All of those things would be difficult for the mother, so the child is really on her own. If the teacher isn't encouraging her to do it it won't get done.

We will speak with the teacher, we know where he is. We need to know what he is doing and why. Although, I wonder if we should just buy the cello and let them carry on regardless. I'm sure she keeps the lessons up because of the one to one attention she gets and is enjoying that part of it as much as anything else. It is the only activity she does outside school. Would be a pity if she lost that.

You'll probably find that as step-mother you are entitled to see this teacher regardless of consultation evenings. If either my parents want to see a teacher aside from consultation evenings, they phone and make an appointment usually after school hours. It happens because schedules get so disarranged at consultation evenings and my dad gets too impatient to hang round an extra hour.

Are you musical enough to enter your daughter for grade 1 yourself? You'd need to know if her aural and sight-reading skills are properly prepared.

cheers.

I agree it's a shame to hold her back from exams if that's what she really wants to do. I think a certificate and a new cello might really boost her confidence and enthusiasm, but you don't want to undermine her teacher or her mother. I'm sure you (and certainly your husband) would be more than welcome to talk to the teacher yourselves, to ascertain exactly what standard the child is at. You could also ask why the teacher is reluctant to enter her for an exam - he could have issues of his own. In the meantime, you can give your stepdaughter lots of space and encouragement to practise, and work on scales, sight reading and aural tests together if her teacher isn't doing this. That way she will be prepared, if and when her teacher DOES decide to enter her.

Just a thought: would it be possible for her to have lessons at weekends (with a new teacher) when she comes to stay with you? I understand that in some areas cello teachers are in short supply... if you don't get any joy after speaking with her current teacher, I would discuss with her mother the possibility of changing.

This is a tricky situation for you and I sympathise.

There may be all sorts of reasons why the teacher is dragging feet over exams. He / she may not be keen on doing exams, or may be aware that your daughter is not quite ready in some areas and is practising under difficult circumstances, or any one of a number of others .... some valid, some not so.

I think it's important to open lines of communication with the teacher. If I were teaching this child I would want this to happen and it seems to me that it's likely to open up the way forward.

You've had some pretty helpful replies already, so some good ideas for you to be working on. Just one thing I wouldn't do though - I don't recommend entering her for the exam yourself unless you are willing to go it alone without the teacher. I agree it's a pity to hold her back if she is keen to do the exam; there may or may not be good reasons why the teacher hasn't entered her yet - whatever, I believe the exam decision ought to be a three-way one between pupil, parents and teacher. If having talked it over you still feel dissatisfied, then you'll need to decide what next - but do talk to the teacher first, you'll probably find the opportunity is welcomed.

Good luck - I hope you are able to keep her playing going in a way she will enjoy.

Jenny

I have been pondering whether to add a reply or not to this delicate situation.

Like other people have already said your first port of call is to approach the teacher. Briefly summarise that as her parents are divorced both you and her Father would like to be kept up to date on her progress on a regular basis.This need not be mentioned to the mother. Dad is just as entitled to know as mum is.
The teacher should have enough understanding to appreciate this.

I see you have her most weekends.Perhaps Dad could gently request that he could take over the tuition,by taking over the paying ( and not reducing the maintenance payments...that would never do) and organisation of the tuition...ie at weekends...either with the existing teacher,especially if she is happy with the teacher or by changing over to another teacher. This would also lift the burden from mum actually taking her to lessons as she doesn't appear to be that interested in her musical progress.

But consideration needs to be discussed as to her practise during the week.

Just a couple of suggestions here.See how things go and then perhaps enquire about renting a cello for a few months and take it from there.

I also agree that examinations should be left to the discretion of the teacher.Be interesting to know the reasons for her existing teacher's reluctance to enter her.

I agree - contact the teacher. I know you said it's hard to get a chance to talk with him but you can write to him? Communication is everything. He may have good reasons... not to enter her for an exam of which you know little about?

My daughter started the violin for a very short time when she came home to tell me that the teacher recommended an exam. My hubby was delighted! I was absolutely horrified. But my hubby was so flattered that to pre-empt any arguing on my part, I did a sneaky thing - I had never met the teacher so I wrote to him and set out my arguments based on my personal knowledge of her character that she shouldn't be taking any exams till much later if he still thinks fit. It was a very polite and tactful letter. He saw my point.

He agreed with me and then my hubby, too. I had to win him round first. It can be done. It may just work. Try writing. Put in at the outset, some genuine praise for his achievement in your stepdaughter, please.

Hi, I think you are probably getting too involved in the emotional baggage here and points to simply remember are:-

1. Your stepdaughter has mentioned grade 3, in which case this is why it has been mentioned by her teacher about a new cello as school instruments are only really suitable for up to grade 2 then not be of a good enough tone or sensitivity to carry you through grade 3 due to inferior strings etc. (can this be bought for a xmas present by her father, you can get good second hand instruments, and instrumental teachers usually know of people who deal with these independently, at least do your homework, so you have a good enough instrument for her standard.
2. She probably has not been entered for a number of reasons. Her intonation may be not secure enough at present and will not improve without practice of the pieces, she may be weak in her music theory, scales or sight reading.
3. Have a serious talk with her. Get grade 3 pieces along with cd. You can also get an aural training book with cd. She is old enough now to understand that regular practice is essential. Sit down and work a timetable out with her. Even it is only 20-30 a day playing time, this should be enough at this level to get her through comfortably. When she comes over then get her to play pieces for you, and you can then assess for yourselves how she is getting on, and you will be able to tell from her performance if she has been keeping to the practice timetable. If she wants to enter a grade badly enough, she will do this, she just needs a little organising, she will do the rest, and this can be done with or without her mothers help.
4. Even if mother and father are estranged, he has the right to know how his daughter is progressing in all walks of life. She should have had a report on her progress last term from her cello teacher, have you seen this? If not ask to see it and you may get some insight as to why the teacher feels she is not ready to take this grade yet.
5. Music books purchased from shops with cds are often of a grade 3 level, and these can be quite tricky without practice, which is what this all seems to come down to.

It is easy to sit back and blame the mother in these situations, but this should not be made into a point scoring excercise, I think between you and your stepdaughter, this can be sorted without creating waves with mother and music teacher. Good luck!

Having read on here how strongly music teachers dislike people coming with the next exam book and parents deciding whether or not the child is ready to do the exam I would strongly advise against this; besides it will be very difficult if the grade 3 part is a mixed message and the teacher wants to do an earlier grade (particularly if the child really wants to do an exam and the teacher would have wanted to compromise and do an earlier grade if they're not ready yet).

The best thing to do would be to speak to the teacher and find out why even if it means giving your daughter a letter to take to the teacher if that's the only means of communication (bit risky though as she might tell her mother....). Open communication with the teacher and then go from there, there's really not much advice that can be given until the teacher's reasons have been heard.

It's good to hear that she has someone who cares so much about her musical education .

Tracey

I feel you are being a little hard on Jenny here. Dealing with two families is never easy.

Thank you for all your suggestions. We have been working on it and thought you would like to know the outcome.

Hubby phoned the teachers office, understandably he was out teaching but they promised to pass on a message and he called back the following morning

The teacher said that he felt she had made good progress especially over the sumer holidays. She had a break from July to September. He was pleased that she was finally playing something other than those one or two pieces she is given each week to practice, ie the playalong books and also going back over her other books to find pieces she likes. He said he thought she was ready to go in for a grade 3 exam. Hubby pointed out that she had never taken an exam before and suggested it might be less daunting to put her in for grade one or two first. She would feel good about passing and may get a better mark which can be a real confidence booster. The teacher was fine with the suggestion and said he would put her in for grade 2 at Christmas.

On the matter of the cello, we are a little gobsmacked by his suggestion. What is wrong with a modestly priced student cello ? I'm not speaking cheapest, but all the other beginner instruments we have bought have been good student instruments which will see the child up about grade 5, and have been reccomended by both teacher and our local excellent music shop. The cello the teacher suggested costs twice as much as the recomended student one. Also we asked about size and he said they didn't come in standard sizes. That if we got the one he suggested it would be the right size. I think we might have to go back to him about that .

Thanks again for all your suggestions, this is a lovely forum.

You sound quite relieved. I am pleased to hear that you have got that fairly sorted. All the best for the cello issue, too.

Tess

Thank you for keeping us posted Jenny!

Pleased to know you have opened up communication with the child's teacher. It's very encouraging to know that he feels she could cope with grade 3 - the suggestion of doing gr2 is probably a good one - but the thought that she could attempt gr 3 is very confidence building for her.

I hope the lessons continue to go well and your daughter enjoys working for the exam.

Jenny, I'm so happy for you, and the teacher sounds very helpful, well done! I'm sure that a good pass in grade 2 will boost your daughter so much, and probably spur her on to attempt grade 3 really quickly! Did you find out whether she has been covering scales, sight reading and aural in her lessons? If not, might you be able to help her with those things?

I'm not that surprised that her teacher has suggested a really good instrument, especially if she shows potential, and it sounds like she does. But you know what your budget is, and if you go back to your music shop, with your daughter and armed with this knowledge, I'm sure they'll be really helpful. A standard grade 5 instrument will probably be fine for at least 2 or 3 years, and then if she's still doing well you could always sell or part-exchange it to buy a better cello. As she's still growing, it is important to consult the shop on getting the right sized instrument for her. Hopefully they will be able to recommend something within your price range which will last her for a few years, both in terms of quality and size. Thanks for keeping us updated.

Good to hear a story with a happy ending, we never usually hear the ending, just the dilemma and then nothing else. Thankyou for coming back to share the ending .

I'd put an awful lot of money on that being a teacher kickback situation.

Liz

Glad to hear a happy ending on this story re lessons/exams.

Just in case you are looking for a cello, read on

My son is a young cellist too. He is sitting grade 3 this term. Where are you just out of interest? My local music shop hires out cellos £30 a term they are really nice whatever size you need. They are all stentors in excellent condition and all setup ready to pay. As far as I know there is also no deposit !!

Alternatively www.gear4music.com have very cheap cellos especially if you use the AIPS Vat free scheme through the school your stepdaughter is at. A child in my son's group has just got one from them and it is very nice, he upgraded the strings on it but it has played in very nicely. Cost him under £200 for new cello with dominant/jargar strings from ebay . Other option is purchase 2nd hand which is what we did.

This is worth considering. Just about every piano showroom I have ever visited has offered me a 'kickback' for an 'introduction' resulting in a sale.

Never accepted them and never will. I want advice I give to students always to be entirely in their interest.

Steve

message deleted

I obviously shop in the wrong places - I've never been offered a kickback!

I get 10% off music and that's my lot.

How common it is varies from country to country. I remember being quite shocked when the Armstrong flute representative told me that if I were in continental Europe i would have to offer 15% to the teacher to have any hope of getting a sale. In the US it seems to be very common too, at least with strings. It doesn't seem to be common in the UK but it does happen. One fairly innocent way it can happen is that a shop routinely gives a 10-15% discount to teachers, the teacher buys the instruments and sells them on at the shop's usual price. I used to get this discount from a specialist violin shop (closed long since) but I always passed it straight on to the pupils.

Speaking as a dealer who does not give teacher kickbacks, you can spot the "kickback" situation a mile off. From our point of view, it looks like this: the pupil or parent calls and says that the teacher is keen for her to buy a (whatever it is) but she's seen our website and wonders what we might have to offer. We send something, or several items, out on approval, and in no time at all, almost by return of post, it comes back with no prior contact (just "we're sending it back" or even it just turning up unannounced), with no reason given or a reason given that makes absolutely no sense (such as "the tailpiece was too small" said of a full size Wittner tailpiece on a full size violin). The pupil or parent makes no move to discuss any other possible options and that is the last we hear of them.

From the pupil or parent's point of view it should be even easier to spot: if the teacher is keen for you to buy from a particular shop and tries to convince you that every other shop for miles around must be inferior, or the teacher is keen for you to buy a particular instrument that he just happens to have in his possession, you've probably got a kickback or commission situation. You may consider it worth buying what the teacher suggests in order to keep on the right side of him, but it is worth being aware of what is likely to be going on.

Liz

I'm shocked... maybe I'm ignorant, but I've never come across anything like this. I know my local woodwind shop does nothing like this too. I have sold instruments through music shops, who then take something like 10% commission, but that's normal and completely different isn't it?

Sorry have gone OT now.

Yes Ellie, that's normal and completely different (and indeed rather low, most shops ask for 15 - 20%). Kickbacks aren't all that common in our experience but are very easy to spot when they do occur.

Liz

interesting thread, Jenny.

it must be very frustrating because you are trying to fit what is meant to be a day by day learning experience into the weekends. I have to say I don't particularly blame your step-daughter's natural mother for not promoting the cello practise - whilst her daughter is with her she is within reason entitled to lead the family life she chooses, and not one she perhaps feels "squeezed upon her" by her ex husband's family.

It would be a different matter if her mum was refusing her permission to practise, but actively supporting practise is an enormous task even for a parent who loves music and the instrument in question. A parent who has no real interest in music or the instrument in question may nevertheless want for some reason to encourage that instrument for their child's sake, but I don't think they can be criticised if they don't want to. Of course if your step daughter lived with you things would be different, but that doesn't mean that her mother's way of life is wrong.

It seems to me almost inevitable that if practise is only done at the weekends, progress will be slow. Waiting for mum to encourage progress will be a frustrating waste of time. The only way that your step daughter will progress more quickly is if she herself decides to get on with her own practise whilst staying at her mothers house. That is a matter of choice for your step daughter and not her mother. If the desire and enthusiasm is seen to come from your step daughter, rather than her father's family, it would be reasonable to expect mum to at least allow the practise to take place.

It may be that your support of your step-daughter's wish to take exams will encourage her to take her own decision to practise. Since she is the one who wanted to take an exam, I think the expectation to do some practise throughout the week is a fair measure of responsibility to place on your step-daughter's own shoulders.

In my view, although life shouldn't be like this, how nice a cello your step daughter has may well affect how much she wants to practise it. For instance an instrument which after three years of practise sounds less pleasant than the natural singing voice of the instrumentalist is unlikely to have the same daily attraction than a beautiful instrument with a big round rich mellow sound which hits you the moment the bow hits the strings. It may also affect how keen her mother is to hear her practise! I don't therefore automatically criticise your step daughter's teacher for recommending a more expensive instrument. However all that mullarkey about being so sure that one particular instrument will be just the right size before she's even tried it does, sadly, raise a few questions even in my generally trusting mind.

If you know a professional cello teacher or player near you, I suppose you could take a second opinion from them - firstly as to the appropriate size of instrument (I think it is true that with cellos not all full sized instruments are the same size, but you could at least get a rough idea of whether it's a 3 /4, 7/8 or full sized cello she needs). Then get in a number of instruments on approval, including the one recommended by your daughter's teacher, and perhaps one of the less expensive ones you have in mind or on this thread, and see what your cello playing friend and your step daughter think. Maybe it will turn out that her teacher is much maligned and has in fact chosen her the best deal.

I bought a 1/4 sized Gliga Gems II for my daughter (6) from Liz (who has posted above), and we agreed that I would be able to trade it in in part exchange for her next instrument (obviously not at full value). My daughter has been knocked off course by a bad arm fracture, but has now fully recovered, and I am really looking forward to finding out what her teacher thinks of the instrument when she goes back. I think it is stunning. The only downer with the Gliga Cellos is they come by post which is included in the price, but expensive (I guess) if you have to send it back. That didn't put me off because I've already had one or two other Gligas off Liz and I know how good they are, but to someone who doesn't know the instruments, the amount of P&P really could be offputting.

Don't forget to take into consideration what your step-daughter thinks. Does she really enjoy playing? How well do she get on with you? She may feel hurt or angry if you take charge of her music. Don't end up ignoring what her needs are.

At the risk of sounding crass mentioning money, it might be helpful to know what you consider the price for 'a good student instrument' and what the teacher wants you to pay.

We decided when my daughter started that it was imperative that the cello had a decent sound - we wanted her to realise what a beautiful instrument it can be, and our ears not to have to suffer! We rented a very good half size for £26 per month but quickly realised that this was no investment, so bought it for £700 (it would have been £850 new). I've just put in the paper for £499. We've saved money over renting and it should hold its value for the next purchaser.

We've now bought a second hand three quarter size for £1250 (extra for bow) which is a hugh amount of money, but we should be able to sell it for a similar amount, or trade it in, when she outgrows it. The beauty of the tone has inspired my daughter. She got so attached to her first cello I was worried she would grieve when it came to move on, but from the first bow stroke of the new one, 'Sparkle' was never played again. I don't know what your price expectations are but the point is that if you buy carefully second-hand, the cello should not lose value.

My daughter's cello teacher recommended various shops for the three quarter size and made us promise not to buy one without her seeing it first. They will usually let you have it for a week or so on trial. Her teacher is helping us sell the half size with no question of any commission - she wouldn't dream of it.

I hope this is helpful.

what is the make of your daughters cello? My son will need a new cello soon. His teacher has also said it must be a very good cello, not student anymore !!! so out go those cheap ones. He has suggested that I loan one from Benslow Music.

I've emailed you frumpybabes, but would say it makes sense to buy rather than rent as with a second hand cello you should be able to sell it on after a couple of years for what you paid for it.

I think the kind of instruments the loan out at Benslow are beyond the reach of most people to actually buy!

Jenny,

I just read your question and don't have time to read all the replies - though knowing the people who post- they no doubt contain excellent advice.

The ABRSM exams are open to everyone. You are not obliged to go via your music teacher.

We're not talking nuclear physics here. It's not quadratic equations. If the girl can play the set pieces, can cope with the theory and WANTS to do it, just enter her.

Steve

Hi there,

I thought I should post to let you know the outcome of the original enquiry. my stepdaughter passed her grade 2 Cello exam with 117 points We are all very pleased and think this may give her the motivation to continue and encourage a little more enthusiasm, but we will see.

I am still very disspointed in her teacher who told he for months before the exam she should be doing grade 3 and would get a distinction. The end result was a result of a lot of hard practice on her part, 117 did not come easily.

We will be holding fire on the new cello the teacher suggested she needs to see how she gets on in the near future. Upwards of £500 is a lot to spend on a child who is still not enthusiastic or confident? enough to pick up a book and try new fun (grade 1 - 2 standard) pieces without encouragement and who needs reminding before she practices.


Jenny

Well done to her and thanks for letting us know the outcome .

I am glad things worked out but can I just say one thing, I think it is very dodgy stepmothers or stepfathers doing the negotiation. I am separated myself and have a good relationship with my ex with regards to the children but am not at all sure how I would react to a his new partner being involved with our children. I would be affronted to say the least, incandescent springs to mind. As although great if she has a good relationship with the kids she is not my children's mother full stop. Dad setting things up or involving the children great, dad at parent/teacher meetings wonderful. But policy decisions, or discussions with teachers... that is original parents territory...I am afraid the idea of Stepmum elbowing in, and I am sorry if this seems intolerant, I would not be happy bunny......

Advice offered fine, probably would ask for her help if she is an expert...fine. Dad going to teacher to check progress fine, stepmum being involved without invitation and I would find unacceptable. By invitation I mean by both parents. Stepmother approaching children's teacher behind back... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, father going on his own fine his perogative. All of ex's girlfriends have always been pleasant people but the idea of them being involved in policy ....

It is terribly important to have a good working relationship when you separate for the kids and it is important to recognize territory.

I wouldn't be too hard on the teacher. 117 at Grade two for a first exam is a good result. Unfortunately musical instruments are expensive, but it is important to get it right, it will be much more satisfying for your stepdaughter.

The decision over when and which examination to enter pupils for is a difficult one. As some one who scraped her Grade3 Piano with 100, and failed Grade 6 at the first attempt, I do not let my students go on an examination treadmill. They are entered for the exam that is right for them at the right time, and not before. However, this decision is always made with all the parties involved, which may be difficult in a step-relationship. As the daughter of divorced parents, I know just how awkward this can be.

Just be happy for your step daughter, this will help your relationship with her immensly. But it sounds like you are the type of caring stepmother who is doing this already