I woke up this morning to a long email from a parent whose son have been crying in his lessons over the last couple of terms. He is Year 6 now and cries when I ask him to repeat something over and over as he feels I am getting angry with him and wants to get it right to please me. He says 'I'm a wimp and I hate myself'. Very disturbing and I've tried talking to him very kindly many times and had numerous conversation with his mum. I have heard that he often does this at school and the teachers send him to the library to calm down or just ignore him.

I am getting really stuck now as to what to do. I told him this week that he needs to try and tell me before he starts to feel tearful that he is struggling and we will stop and do something else. I'm hoping this will work and that even pre-empting the tears at the beginning of the lesson will be beneficial in itself.

I've just read through a recent topic like this but would still welcome some advise. There is a problem regarding an older brother who's very clever/popular/handsome/personable etc. etc but how do I help him get over this - at least in his piano lessons.

The next person who tells me a piano teacher's life is a doddle may be met with a rather frosty response!!!

That's very sad, but it seems to me that if he does it in school as well, it's not a problem caused by you! I think it's something that needs to addressed at home, by his parents.

It would be wrong of the parents to blame you for this situation. Although you can work with them to try and find a solution, you shouldn't be shouldered with the sole responsibility for it....

If he's constantly being compared to an older sibling, that will be damaging to his confidence, but again, you didn't create that situation.

The best you can do is to be kind a patient with him, and it seems like that's what you are doing!

Amanda xx

I agree that this sounds like a problem that goes far deeper than piano lessons and seems to have a lot to do with self-esteem and confidence. If the older sibling is all things successful and your pupil knows he cannot compete, one way to get attention and have everyone feeling sorry for him is to cry. His school teachers are ignoring him and that is one way to cope, especially in a large class. Someone, somewhere has clearly convinced this lad he's a failure and he's going to live up to it - I would think it's become a habit that may, ultimately, need professional help to cure. It is quite unusual for a child of this age (especially a boy) to cry so readily week in, week out.

However, you are wanting to work 1:1 and so the problem is, in some ways, greater for you. Have you tried a sticker chart reward system (or something similar)? I have done this with "problem" pupils in the past. Set small achievements to be mastered and, when they are, reward with a sticker on the chart. Get a row on the chart completed and the reward is perhaps a little more tangible (you would know what would be appropriate and acceptable). I keep some of those cards boys like to swap in the playground to hand and some of them work their socks off to get one of those. Some respond to the occasional lollipop etc (but that depends on your view and the parents' view on sweets), some to a special certificate..... all sorts of things but something that is for him and not his brother.

A sticker if he manages not to cry on arrival at lesson and so on. Gradually, of course, the tasks get harder and longer to achieve but you have to build to that. I wouldn't do things "over and over" right now. None of us like that being done to us in certain circumstances and, even at his age, that kind of pressure may be too much for him. Yes, you want him to play the piece correctly (or whatever he's doing) and so, I hope, does he but I would personally use short bursts on things and keep the lesson moving on pretty quickly with plenty of musical games too.

I suppose, if he really cannot stop the tears then he may have to stop lessons but that would be rubbing salt in an already sore wound that he is "no good". I think you have a unique chance to help this chap and I do hope it works out OK for you both. Best of luck.

I went through a brief period when I was younger at crying at anything; it was as a result of stress of being bullied at school. People forget that children can have stress as badly as anyone else, and quite often it can be the root cause of a lot of problems.

As amanda41 says, it's probably a problem outside of lessons; it could be that he feels, in lessons, that he's allowed to let his guard down and cry a little in front of a neutral third party. It could be that he's being bullied at school if his teachers have noticed it too; has his mum asked them to keep an eye on him to see if he is experiencing problems there?

In the mean time, I think you're doing the best job you can and I'd try not to take it personally . Do you have any fun duets or something you could do with him? He might like the opportunity to unwind a little and to play the piano with a friend, even if that friend is his teacher.